Where Yesterday Lives (39 page)

She sobbed harder and reached toward him once more. She knew what to expect this time and she didn’t pull away. Instead, she ran her fingers gently over his hands, remembering the way those same hands had loved her and her sisters and brother through the years. The hugs and hand-holds, the ball-tossing and shoe-tying…hands that had been loving and warm, gentle and strong.

“Dad, I wish we had more time,” she whispered. The sobbing finally slowed but the tears continued, as did the empty ache in the depth of her heart.

Suddenly she couldn’t stand to see him that way a moment longer and she closed her eyes. Why was she doing this to herself, participating in a ritual that meant nothing? He wasn’t there, resting in a casket. He had moved on to a better place, the place for people who have loved God and done his work on earth. She knew the Lord was watching over her that very moment, Wishing he could comfort her, willing her to know that her father was all right.

She opened her eyes and looked into the coffin again. Dad’s body would be buried there, but not his soul, his heart. No one could bury that.

She clutched the handkerchief and comb tightly, holding them to her face a final time. Then she gently tucked them under his hands.

“Dad,” her voice was choked with tears. “I have to give them back now. I…I can’t hold them anymore.”

She hung her head and cried again, knowing that Jake had been right. For the first time, her dad’s death seemed real. She looked at him once more, still, lifeless.

“Daddy,” she cried softly. “You were the best. You believed in me…encouraged me, cheered me on. You were always there for me. Even when I was wrong you never let me down.” She was quiet a moment, tears streaming down her face. “I love you so much.”

She gazed toward the heavens then, her voice barely a whisper. “I love you, Daddy.”

The sadness was like a lead weight as she stood up and moved to the back of the chapel. She had said good-bye. She found a seat near the back of the chapel and sat down to wait for the others.

The remaining adult Barrett children arrived within five minutes of each other and met in the parking lot. Aaron did not say where he had disappeared to earlier, but he was outspoken as they gathered near their parked cars and prepared to enter the mortuary

“I don’t know what problems you all have between you,” he said waving his hand at Megan, Jane, and Amy. He stared at Jane, who stood quietly by Troy. “I know there’s something going on between you and Ellen, but I don’t want to hear the details or whose fault it is. Right now it’s time to put our differences behind us. All of us. Dad would never have wanted us fighting right up until the moment of his funeral.”

He looked at each of them slowly “I want you to listen because I don’t say a lot, and this is the way it’s got to be. If you
have a problem, hide it. In two days well all go our separate ways and you can think whatever bad things you want about this family Right now, though, we’re in this together.”

Jane looked stunned. “Fine,” she mumbled. “It’s just two days. I can pretend with the best of them.”

“Fine.” Aaron was satisfied. “Now let’s get in there. Mom’s waiting.”

Ellen watched in silence as her brother and sisters came into the room. She continued watching as, for the next two hours, they took turns kneeling by their father’s casket, staring at his body, and reckoning with the fact that he no longer lived there. When Megan took her turn bidding their father good-bye, she cried much the way Ellen had.
Probably regretting the lost years with Mohammed
, Ellen reasoned.

Amy’s grieving was quieter, more reserved. She seemed awestruck by her father in death, much as she had been when he was alive. She didn’t fully give way to her grief until she had risen from the spot near the casket and returned to the pew where Frank sat. He stood, holding his hands out toward her, and she collapsed against him, sobbing.

Ellen remained at the back of the chapel where Megan and Amy approached her at different times to see if she was all right. For a time, her mother came and sat next to her, but then as the others seemed to take turns grieving she tried to make herself available for them, too.

Jane never even looked Ellen’s way. She did spend a short time kneeling near Dad’s casket before returning to sit with Troy for the remainder of the viewing. As the evening went on, Ellen couldn’t help but notice that Jane appeared neither concerned for the others nor anxious for their comfort. She was
the only one who did not cry

Aaron was the last to approach the casket and he did so reluctantly He wore his sunglasses and his tall frame looked uncomfortable as he knelt before his father’s body

Ellen watched from a distance, and although Aaron neither moved a muscle nor spoke a word, she knew his pain. Not because of anything obvious about the way he grieved for his father. But because of the angle at which she was sitting. He had his back to the others, but she could see his face, the dark glasses. And the steady stream of tears that ran from beneath them the entire time he remained on his knees.

At five-thirty the first of the relatives began to arrive and the Barrett siblings found their separate places in the chapel from which to watch and remember. It was a quiet time and within two hours everyone but Ellen, her siblings, and her mother had left for the night.

“Mrs. Barrett, it’s time to seal the casket.” It was the director, Mr. Whitson.

Mom had been talking quietly to Amy and Frank and she seemed startled by his statement. “Oh. Of course.” She stood up and looked at the others.

“You can join me if you want,” she said in a voice loud enough for them all to hear. She positioned herself close to the casket and stared a final time at her husband’s face. Ellen watched Megan rise and move to their mother’s side. She placed an arm around Mom’s waist for support. Aaron joined her, too, bracing Mom on her opposite side, while Amy and Frank joined hands and stood nearby. Ellen and Jane remained in their seats on different sides of the chapel.

“Good-bye, John.” Mom’s smile was tender through her tears. “You made me so happy.”

Ellen rested her arms on the back of the pew in front of her
and let her head drop. She couldn’t watch, couldn’t bear to see him disappear behind the closing lid of a coffin.

She heard them unhook the coffin lid and lower it. Then there was the sound of someone moving around the casket as they tightened a series of latches so that it was sealed.

There was nothing left to do but go home. They did so, each in a separate car, returning to the house to discuss the logistics for the following day, who would drive which vehicle, when they needed to be where.

Ellen found a quiet spot in the den where she studied the eulogy she had written earlier in the week. The others milled about the living room where they finished plans and shared a late snack. There was little conversation, and even from the next room Ellen could feel the cool way in which her siblings regarded each other.

She read her eulogy again and sighed. It still wasn’t exactly what she wanted to say She’d been inserting words and crossing out others for what seemed like hours. Finally, she set her pen aside.

Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back. She just couldn’t handle this right now The image of her father’s lifeless face came to mind, and she pushed it aside.
Think of something else. Anything…

Jake’s laughing face came to her, and she felt the familiar pang. What was it about him that captured her so? She couldn’t let him go no matter how she tried.

Help me, Lord
, she prayed desperately as she considered the memories of her times with Jake over the last week. Am
I going to be haunted by him for the rest of my life?

“This is a shadow of the things that are to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.”

Ellen frowned. Why had that verse come to her now of all
times? What could it possibly mean? Jake? A shadow?

Dimly she heard the doorbell ring. Someone opened the front door and in the distance Ellen heard muffled conversation. She pushed the distraction away as she focused again on the images in her mind.

Jake on the beach…Jake holding her…Jake, Jake—

“Ellen.” Megan poked her head around the corner and peered into the den.

“What?” Ellen looked up, startled. She felt completely drained.

“You have a visitor.”

Ellen’s throat constricted and sudden fear assailed her. Jake? Had he come to talk with her again? Oh no, no, Lord. I
won’t be able to send him away again. Please—

“Who?”

That’s when she saw him. A man, standing there in the doorway to the room, looking rumpled and tired and still dressed in his work clothes.

For a moment she was sure it was Jake, and then the image faded, and Ellen stared, her face going hot, and then cold. Quick tears flooded her eyes.

“Mike.”

E
llen stared at her husband in disbelief. He had come. He had found a way to be with her, and her heart soared.

Their eyes met and spoke volumes. She studied the unrestrained love in his eyes, the hope and apprehension on his face, and suddenly the Scripture was utterly clear. “This is a shadow of the things that are to come….” That was what Jake had been. A shadow. An image of something Ellen had convinced herself she wanted. Yes, he was real, but their relationship wasn’t. Not the way she’d been thinking about it. All she and Jake had was a shadow

She took in Mike’s appearance, the dark circles under his eyes, the rumpled suit, the wedding band…he was the reality. The reality Ellen had found through Christ. For that’s who had joined them. Forever. She remembered her anger of a week ago and felt ashamed. She had been wrong about Mike. Yes, he had botched things up, he had left her alone too many times to count and he seemed to have grown cold to all that mattered. But she, too, had let her faith go by the wayside.

Now, if only they could cling to the Lord as they had in their early days, perhaps the love they once shared would return. Perhaps they could survive after all. Ellen felt a peace come over her as she considered her husband. At least their life together was real. Not an idea or a dream or a shadow. They would have to talk about the future, the expectations on both sides. As in the early days of their marriage, they would need to pray together, find a church family where they could grow. But
looking at her husband now she believed they would find a way to work it out.

Tears filled her eyes as she smiled at him, and in his face she saw the young sportscaster with whom she’d fallen in love. Mike had always been faithful beyond anything she’d ever dreamed. But in those early days there had been so much more love. Mike had supported her decisions and encouraged her writing career. He had taken time for walks on the beach and candlelit dinners at little-known restaurants. Back then he had written poetry for her and rubbed her back when she ached with tension from a day of deadlines. He never let her go alone to anything.

She saw him now and remembered their early days as if they were only weeks ago. She had never doubted back then that Mike was the man she belonged with. Theirs had been a wonderful relationship—intimate, satisfying, deeply rooted. It was a life she knew they could have again. And one she never would have had with Jake. Now, at last, she understood that.

At the thought of Jake a wave of guilt washed over her and she hoped Mike couldn’t see in her eyes how close she’d come only twenty-four hours earlier to breaking her wedding vows. She refused to think about that now. Leslie had prayed for her, and although the bond between Ellen and Mike had been tested that week, it had survived. Thank God it had survived. Even before Mike made the decision to be there for her.

Megan discreetly left the room, and Ellen moved toward Mike. His arms opened, and she went into them, sliding her hands along his back, pulling him to her, overwhelmed with gratitude.

“You came.”

He pulled back slightly so he could look into her eyes. “You needed me.”

She sighed and hugged him tightly. “Oh, Mike. It’s been such a long week.”

“I know For me, too. Do you still hate me?”

She shook her head against his chest. With him here now, solid and reassuring, things were so much clearer. What she and Mike had once shared—what she knew they would share again—was so different than what she’d shared with Jake all those years ago. With Mike, love was steady and real, without the uncertainty Jake had brought to her life. Mike was here and he was real. He was today and tomorrow—and that meant more than all her yesterdays combined.

She leaned up and kissed him tenderly on the lips. “Thank you…for coming.”

He reached down and cupped her face in his hands, holding her gently but firmly His eyes held hers. “I love you, Ellen. I’d go to the moon to prove it to you.”

“Not always.” She smiled sadly

Mike’s face fell. His hands moved down her shoulders, brushing her arms, until he took her hands in his. “I know. I’ve done a lot of thinking. Praying. I spent most of yesterday reading the Bible and begging God to make things right between us again. It was like the Spirit literally picked me up and set me at the Lord’s feet.”

Ellen thought about Leslie again and knew that since their phone call her dear friend had probably not stopped praying for them.

“How could we drift so far from everything we believe?” Ellen’s voice cracked.
Jesus, forgive
us. Her heart felt as though it would break with regret.

“I know. I feel the same way. I’ve been selfish and faithless. You deserve better than that. Things are going to be different, Ellen.” He met her gaze. “Forgive me. Please.”

Ellen nodded and rested her cheek against his chest. She squeezed her eyes shut and felt tears fall onto her face once more. “I forgive you, Mike. Is everything okay between us then?”

He pulled back a few inches so he could study her eyes. “I don’t know. Is it?”

She thought of Jake again and nodded. “A lot has happened this week. I was having my doubts about us, but God helped me work through a few things while I’ve been here. I do love you, Mike. I don’t ever want to lose you. God gave you to me, and he wants us together.”