Where Secrets Lie (20 page)

“
So being completely out is what you really want? For yourself?”

“
I want Emily, and I think I might lose her if I don’t do this soon. Losing her scares me way more than anything Mom might do.”

When fear besieges you, that’s what it boils down to in the end. Which fear terrifies you more? Katie had made her determination.

“
Then I guess it’s time to tell them,” Sara said.

“
Yeah, it is.”

“
You sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

Katie nodded. “If you were there I’d probably chicken out, and you’d have to do all the talking.”

“
I’m ok with that.” It wasn’t hard to do the talking when it was someone else’s stuff, someone else’s risk.

“
I know you are, but I wouldn’t feel right about it. They need to hear this from me.”

“
All right, I can wait in case you want to talk after.”

“
Thanks, but you probably need to get home yourself.”

Of course, Katie had not forgotten something was amiss between Sara and David.

“
That can wait,” Sara said.

“
No, you go ahead, I’ll manage.”

Sara hugged Katie tightly, and then kissed her on the cheek. “Promise to call me if you need to?”

“
Ok, but I really hope I won’t need to.”

“
Well, you’ll have to call me tomorrow anyway, and tell me how it went.”

“
I will.”

Sara opened her car door but hesitated before getting in.

“
At least text me tonight, and let me know you got out of the house alive.”

“
Oh yeah, that’s a big help,” Katie said. “Thanks a lot.”

They both laughed.

Sara got into her car and watched her courageous little sister go back into the house. Now that she was alone, the reality of her own situation loomed before her. Sara started her car and began her short drive.

The closer she got to home, the faster her heart pounded, and the more constricted her stomach became, but she remained resolute. There was no turning back. Sara was determined to undo any damage she had caused her marriage, and that process began by telling David everything.

~

This isn’t true, Lee thought. This can’t be true.

Katie sat across the table from Lee and Jack. Her posture was rigid, her breathing shallow. She held her hands in her lap, and as she spoke, her fingernails dug into her palms.

Although Lee was attentive, she resisted hearing what Katie was saying, resisted the implications of what this would mean for Katie’s life, actually, what it already meant.

Based on what Katie was telling them, this had been going on for years. Years! Lee’s baby already faced any harshness she’d encountered without Lee there to fend it off or defend her. How could this have happened? How could this be true?

Despite her obvious tension, Katie’s face became animated when she spoke of Emily, a girl whom Lee hadn’t given a second thought to. All this time, they were not best friends, didn’t even start out as best friends. All this time, Lee hadn’t recognized Katie was in love with this girl and happy to be so. Look at her now. Nervous, yes, but so determined, so committed.

Lee was at a loss for words. Katie had stolen them from her with her lucid account of how for her there were no doubts, no ambiguities, no uncertainties. It was as though Katie anticipated, and addressed, Lee’s objections before Lee ever got the chance to make them.

Lee’s head was spinning, but she wasn’t sure if it was alcohol induced or due to Katie’s discourse. She reached out to push her glass of champagne away. Instead, her fingers wrapped around the stem of the glass, she lifted it, and drained its contents in one long swallow. Then she refilled it.

Coming out was a venture that just rubbed Lee the wrong way. It went against her grain. She spent a lifetime deploying secrets in order to protect her loved ones not only from difficult truths, but also from the prejudices they elicited. Secrets became woven into the intricacies of Lee’s life, and she considered them invaluable allies in spite of her own personal experience to the contrary.

~

Lee sifted through the paperbacks she discovered in the box in Paul’s study. A wave of realization overcame her, and her eyes filled with tears. She recognized each and every one of the titles because she had read all of these novels herself. In fact, she had read them first. These were the books she had given to Paul to read during the first few years of their marriage.

Paul read every one of them, from the looks of them several times over. He employed his favorite practice of dog-earing pages that contained passages he was fond of, and he wrote short cryptic notes in the margins. Not once had he ever spoken about these books to Lee. Not once had she ever seen him reading them.

Why would Paul choose to exclude her from a part of himself he knew she cherished? It was inconceivable to her. The man she knew couldn't do this, would never do this. Yet, here was the irrefutable evidence that he had. What else had Paul done, what other sides of him existed that Lee knew nothing about and now that he was gone, would never know about?

“
Lee,” Ruth called from the kitchen. “Do you need help?”

“
No, Mom, I’ll be right there.”

Lee wiped her eyes, returned all of the books to the box, replaced the lid, pushed the box back into the corner, and took the leaves for the dining room table out to her mother.

In the years that followed, Lee kept Paul’s box to herself. Every year, on the anniversary of his death, she felt compelled to peruse the box’s contents, contemplate her first love, and ponder all of the unanswered questions he had left her with.

Lee came to believe she never truly knew Paul, regardless of how much she loved him, and it tormented her. Despite all the years of her obsessive yearning to unravel the mystery of Paul’s underlying story, Lee never discovered where secrets lie.

THE END

I want to thank all of my friends who read early versions of this novel and gave me the benefit of their insights: Danean Ogden, Gretta Krane, Stephanie Goldin, Julie Coder, and Chris Parker. Your time and efforts were invaluable and greatly appreciated.

A special thanks to Sandra Faria for our “book club” discussions. You have the keen eye of an artist, the heart of an editor, and the generosity of a dear friend. This novel would not have been the same without you.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone who offered me words of encouragement along the way, many of whom requested autographed copies (yes, I’m primarily talking to you Niwot High Alums). Since this is an ebook, the best I could do was include it here and hope it conveys my gratitude for your support. Thank you all!