Where I Found My Heart (3 page)

Chapter 6

“Baby.” I felt the tips of his fingers as they worked their way up my sides and I relaxed and leaned back into him.

“Yes.” I was out of breath. I was always out of breath when he touched me; this man, my reason for living. Everything about him was frigging magical. At one time, I was actually afraid the ‘magic’ would fade with time. But to my surprise, it grew bigger, wider, deeper, even more magical, and I’m happy I’m out of breath. I am.

He traced the bottom of my bra with his fingers until he got to the center. Then he slowly—achingly slow—walked them up until he reached my nipples, which were tightening into oversensitive nubs.

I took a deep breath, trying hard to get air into my lungs so my head would stop spinning.

“Jesus Dylan.”

He pulled me back to him, until my body was against his and I could feel him conform to me.

His body actually molded to mine.

It was hot as hell.

He was hot as hell.

It was like we were one. I really think sometimes we were.

“No, just Dylan. Or sugar lips, or honey pie.”

I laughed out loud.

“You are so corny sometimes. You sound like a character in Gone with the Wind or something.”

“I do, don’t I?”

He cupped my breasts, and I immediately put down the spoon I was stirring the sauce with, and turned around to face him.

His eyes literally twinkled and I almost lost it. His amazing, light hazel orbs with the golden specks surrounded by thick dark lashes were my undoing. No. Actually, it was that damned smile of his. Gut punched me every time he used it. And he used it a lot.

“I think you need a break.”

“Oh, do I?”

“Yeah, you been slaving over that stove for um…” He overzealously looked at his watch, “twenty minutes now. I think you deserve a break.”

“Mmmm. I think you’re right.”

He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his midsection. I smiled when I felt him hard against me.

“Oooh, wait. One sec.” He stopped and I reached down to turn the heat off. “Wouldn’t want to be interrupted. You know…fire.”

“Yeah, all we need is those lugs breaking through the windows and doors.” He pushed himself against me. “Besides, I got your fire right here.”

I giggled. That’s another thing. I never giggled before I met Dylan. I liked feeling silly. I loved feeling silly enough to giggle.

“Indeed you do.”

He dropped me on the couch, my legs still wrapped around his middle.

“Ren, you need to loosen your hold if you want me to get my pants off.”

“Oh, all right. But only for a few seconds.”

“You might want to take yours off too?”

“Well, that seems like a good idea in theory.”

I remember him laughing out loud as he stepped out of his jeans.

“I’ll give you a theory.” He yanked my pants down over my legs, and ankles and tossed them on the rug.

“I think I’m gonna like your theory.”

I reached up and pulled him on top of me. The warmth of his body against mine was so, yeah you guessed it, perfect. It’s hard to understand. Like everything in the world was right. Like everything lined up as it should. He moved over me, his erection rubbed against my inner thighs and I felt the wetness on the tip.

“I want you inside me.” I whispered against his cheek.

I think he actually growled before he lifted his body onto one elbow and with his free hand inserted himself into me. I threw my head back into the cushions as the length of him slid into me. I was more than ready. I was always more than ready with Dylan.

He moved in me, slowly at first, and I felt the first tingling sensation building deep inside me. The way he filled me. The way he felt as he caressed me from the inside was putting me over the edge. He lowered his mouth onto my breast and licked me gently before taking my whole nipple into his mouth. My body reacted with a jolt. I grabbed his ass in my hands and pulled him to me as I lifted mine up to meet him. I wanted him deeper inside me, as if it were even possible.

I heard his soft chuckle. Then before I realized it, the first wave of my orgasm crested and was about to wash over me with such a ferocity I had to grit my teeth together.

“I love you baby.” His voice nearly purred it was so smooth.

“Me too. Fuck me.”

“I thought that’s what I was doing.”

He picked up speed and he circled his hips side to side, stirring me. Screaming out his name I came again. The sweat from his forehead dripped on to my face and I opened my eyes to see the corded muscles in his neck and face. He tried to control himself, tried to hold out for me and the intense expression was so passionate I was about to come looking at him.

“Dylan, with me.”

“You ready?”

“Dylan…” my voice was teetering, I was on the edge and he sensed it. And with a few strong pushes he lifted his head up and moaned loudly. I trembled as another wave washed over me. Then I felt him, hot and wet and sweet, as he pulsed inside me. Good thing I was lying down because I know I was legless.

“I love you Ren, I love you so fucking much.”

“Me too.” My words were more breath than anything else. This man took my breath away every single time and I loved him more than I thought it was possible to love anyone.

There was a loud knocking at the door to the apartment. I turned my head and opened my eyes and all at once my entire world fell apart. Dylan was gone, vanished, and the air was cold against my skin. I gripped the sofa where we made love countless times. I looked at the ceiling and lost it. Somewhere deep inside me I found more tears. I pulled the coat over my half naked body and whispered.

“Goddamn you God.”

Chapter 7

Later that day, I think it was around 6:30, my cell phone rang. At first I didn’t answer it. I didn’t even look at it. It rang again. I ignored it again. Finally, realizing this caller was dead set on speaking with me, I reached over and looked at the screen.

Libby. Should have known.

It was Libby, Dylan’s sister.

I cursed loudly and answered it.

Before I could say hello, she spoke. “I was gonna keep calling until you picked up.”

“I have no doubt.”

“Ren, I know you told me not to talk about it. And you might not want to hear it but you can’t keep yourself closed up in your apartment. It’s not healthy.”

I wasn’t in the mood to have this conversation…again.

“Dylan would hate me if he knew I let you do this. Sit by yourself everyday. You need to be with people.”

“Libby, I don’t want to be with people.” I shut my eyes tight, and cringed trying to keep my voice even. “I want to be left alone…and Dylan could never hate you. You know that.”

I was positive I sounded like a bitch but the dream I’d had earlier really stressed me out, I was drawn tight inside and out. I also had to admit, the small tingling originating at the sling of my panties, proved I was a little more than wound up.

“You’re wrong Ren. Dead wrong.” There was a pause. I believe the woman was trying to tell me she knew more about me than I did. “Okay, I can’t stand it. I can’t live with myself. You need to be with people. You need to like…live Ren. All I think about is you sitting alone, in that apartment, by yourself. No one. Just yourself.”

I didn’t want to be a bitch but her words stuck home and I hated how I felt now. I was angry and hostile and fucking fed up. But Lib…all she wanted was to heal, and helping me find my way was part of her healing too. See, she loved Dylan almost as much as me. No, I take that back. No one, and I mean no one could have loved Dylan as much as I did…do. He was the very air I breathed. As I’m thinking these thoughts I realize I sound like a fucking psychotic. I’m not. Really I’m not. I want my fucking boring, everyday, wonderful life back.

Goddamn it all to hell.

“Libby.” I was warning her.

“Ren. You know I love you but fuck. Fuck Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!”

Libby liked the word fuck. A lot.

I felt a smile pull at my mouth.

I’m not judgmental. I love it too.

FUCK.

“I’m not backing down on this one.”

A declaration.

I was afraid of that.

“Libby.”

“Reny.”

Bitch was digging her heels in.

“Think we got us a Mexican standoff.”

“Ha! Yeah right. I’m taking you to dinner tomorrow. Be ready at six.”

“I don’t think…”

“You don’t have a choice. I’ll drag you out in your pajama pants if I have to. Although you might find it uncomfortable.”

“Libby, I wouldn’t even…I have nothing to wear. Um.” I think I moaned.

“I’ll be over at 4:00. So answer the fucking door this time.”

I was trying to come up with an excuse, but it’s not like you can say, I’ll be feeling sick tomorrow. Right?

“That was you?”

“See you tomorrow Reny.” And just like that, she dismissed me. Another pause. “Okay…okay. Night.”

She hung up, leaving me no alternative. I think I went headlong into a full panic. I shook.

“Dylan?” I moaned.

Of course, I didn’t get an answer.

I was sick with worry all night. My stomach was queasy. I went back and forth to the bathroom. I was exhausted when the sun woke me up. I glanced at the clock and immediately panicked again.

I did not understand how to do this. Shower. Makeup. Hair. Clothes. Jesus Christ, what the hell was I going to wear?

I was comfortable hiding. I like being left alone.

I would not get what I like today.

Could I do this?

Chapter 8

True to her word, Libby was knocking at my door at four o’clock sharp.

I answered it, still in my bathrobe. I hadn’t showered yet. Libby took one look at me and immediately hugged me. Her hair smelled pretty. She was dressed nice in a pair of black jeans and a white blouse. Her makeup had been applied perfectly, as it always was. The stark contrast between us both was not lost on me.

It was shocking.

Before I realized it, I hugged her back.

“Let me see you.” She pushed me away from her, and I stood there, my head bent down, like a child expecting a scolding. “I’ve missed you Ren.” She pulled me back into a hug.

“I missed you too Libs.”

I had let my guard down and I could feel my body tremble from the inside.

“I think you should get in the shower. Getting the knots out of that hair is gonna take a long time, and we have a six thirty reservation.” She was dictating. It was something she did when she didn’t know what else to do.

“Libby, what if we order something in. Chinese, pizza? Whatever you want.”

“Nope. You are going out. We are going out.” She spun me around and gently pushed me towards the bathroom. “Now get your ass in that shower.”

Libby was such a force of nature. Always was, and I knew I was losing the battle. I walked into the bedroom and turned around in the doorway. “I have nothing to wear…” I saw her eyebrows shoot up.

“Get in the shower and stop making excuses. I’ll pick something out for you. Now go.” She pointed in the direction behind me.

Defeated, I shut the bathroom door, got my self undressed, and turned the shower on. Fear gripped me and my heart beat so fast, I felt like I would pass out.

I needed a Valium!

“And use a lot of conditioner.” Libby’s voice reverberated within the confines of the shower stall.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to make her leave. But if I were to tell the truth, it felt good seeing her. It also felt good letting the warm water cascade down my body.

When I was done, I quickly dried off and put my hair up in a towel. Tightening the belt around my waist, I stepped out of the bathroom. Not only was the bed made, but lying on top of the bed were a pair of jeans and a black knit top. Socks, bra and panties lay next to them and my black boots. Boots I haven’t seen in a long time were standing side by side on the floor next to the bed.

“I’m making us a drink. It’ll help you relax.” She shouted from the kitchen.

I could hear the banging and clanking of glasses, pots, and ice tinkling.

“It’ll take more than a drink.” I said somewhat under my breath.

“There’s a Val on the nightstand.” She called out, as if she could read my mind.

I swallowed the Valium down with a chug of water and got dressed. When I was done I walked out of the bedroom. My body swayed precariously as I tried to balance myself on heels.

“Been a while.” I said as I reached the breakfast bar.

“It’s like riding a bike. You’ll get used to it.” Libby laughed. “Here, sit down and taste this.” She pushed a martini glass toward me and lifted her own up.

I took a sip and was momentarily shocked at the taste of the alcohol. My eyes watered as I swallowed it down.

“What the hell…”

“It’s a Manhattan, my new favourite. You don’t like it?”

“No, it’s good. Just shocking. Whiskey?”

“Bourbon.”

“Where did you find that? Here?”

“Hell no, I brought it with me. I knew there was nothing here.” She looked around the apartment.

I took another sip and let the taste of the bourbon slide over my tongue. It was smooth, like caramel and really…

“Delicious.” Libby’s eyebrow shot up doubtfully. “Serious. It’s really good.”

“I know right?” She took a sip of her own. “Now sit here,” she pointed to the stool in front of the breakfast bar, “and let me see about getting those knots out.”

I sat where she indicated and took another sip of my drink.

“I know what you’re up to. You’re trying to numb me before you drag that comb through my hair.”

“Something like that.”

“Owww.” I yelled out as she tugged on the comb.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“I’m kidding Libs.”

“Just for that…” she dragged the comb from top to bottom. Stopping to loosen a knot.

When she was done she brushed it until it was almost dry.

“Next the face.”

“What?”

“Some makeup.”

“Lib, last chance. How about ordering in? Your favourite Chans. Come on, you love that food.”

“After all this? You’re not getting off the hook that easily.”

I sat as still as I could.

“Are you almost done?” I was afraid to move.

“Just about…”

When she stopped to get something out of her makeup case I spun the chair around and grabbed my drink taking a long sip.

“Whoa. Take it easy. We have all night ahead of us.”

“Just dinner Libby.” I admonished.

“Yup. Dinner and drinks.” She took her time, occasionally tossing in an order or two. ‘Hold still’, ‘close your lids’, ‘open your eyes’. Then after what seemed like forever, she stood in front of me with her hands on her hips and a huge grin on her face. “Go check it out. You’re gorgeous.”

“Yeah right. That would have taken a miracle and I don’t think you have any of those in that bag.” I stood and immediately felt the effects of the drink, not to mention the heels. I held onto the countertop for a few seconds before making my way into the bedroom. I walked up to the closet door and swung it open, revealing the full-length mirror.

What I saw looking back at me was nothing short of a miracle. I didn’t recognize myself. I was almost pretty. Well, sort of. “I’ll take another drink.” I said as I turned to her.

“It’s not the Manhattan Ren. You’re beautiful.” She smiled proudly.

I managed a smile as I stepped back and stood there like an idiot staring at the woman in the mirror. Just then panic set in. “Where are we going?”

“You’ve never been there. Adelphia. It’s a Mediterranean restaurant and bar.” She looked a little worried. “I knew you didn’t want to run into anyone, so…the foods great and the best thing is it’s in Chester.”

“Thank you for that.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The Valium was calming and I could feel some of the tension flow out of me.