When We Were Friends (40 page)

Of course it’s not true!

Of course …

But his face showed nothing as he reached for an apple and a knife, proceeded to peel the apple in a long, slow curl. Finally he said, “I guess it
was
intense. She has this lovely tendency to intensify every disagreement and every situation that makes her the least bit uncomfortable.”

“You’d tell me if there was anything I should know, right? If she was upset about anything to do with me. Or Molly.”

“What? No, it’s just family stuff. We’ll get past it.”

As he said this, Posy entered. Had she been listening at the door? She was barefoot, dressed in a white silk robe, her face pale and shadowed without makeup. I could see the blue of a vein under her right eye. She waggled her fingers at us, then reached for the spiral of peel Alex had dropped to the table and started to gnaw at it.

“Me and Posy were going to hike part of the Kinsman trail today,” Alex said. “Bring a picnic lunch complete with jug wine in canteens, because we’re classy that way. Come with us, Leah? There’s a waterfall I think Molly would get a kick out of.”

“Please do,” Posy said, teeth clenched on the peel.

I studied her face for some trace of sarcasm, some sense she was daring me, but I found nothing. No sarcasm, no enthusiasm, just apple peel chewing.

I was tempted to go with them just so I could keep Posy from talking about us, figure out whether she suspected who we were. But what if Sydney showed up while I was gone? If she’d driven without stopping then she’d already have been in New Hampshire yesterday. I doubted Star would be able to get her to leave, to explain calmly and rationally why her presence would endanger everything. She very well might freak out; I could imagine her screaming out the window or becoming catatonic with fear. Either way, she was bound to just make the situation worse. So I’d have to stay home today just in case,
sit by the window watching for cars so I could intercept her before she even got to the door, and send her off to stay somewhere outside of town.

“I would,” I said, “except I have a job I’m supposed to start today, over in Easton.” This, in fact, was true. I was supposed to paint Peter Pan and Wendy flying over London, totally escapist imagery I’d been looking forward to. I’d have to call and cancel.

“Leah’s an artist,” Alex said, reaching for a flour sifter. “You should see the canvases and murals she’s done over the past few weeks. She’ll be famous someday.”

“How interesting,” Posy said, her tone patronizing, like she’d been told I attached bolts on an assembly line.

I heard Molly call out from the living room and I screwed the top on her cup, stretching a smile. “I better feed her. Let me know if you need help with breakfast.”

In the living room I lifted Molly from her pillow fort, and sat in the armchair with her on my lap. She gazed up at me as she sucked on her cup, snorting softly as she drank, opening and closing her free hand meditatively, with her eyes glazed. So hypnotizing it was to feed her, so immediately calming, and I fell into her trance, smoothing my thumb rhythmically against her chubby arm.

“She looks like you.”

I startled, looking up to find Posy only feet away from my chair. “You think?” I said. Should I read anything behind the words? Was she implying it was strange Molly looked like me, seeing as she was someone else’s daughter? Why did everything she said sound accusatory?

“The shape of her face, her skin tone. And of course the hair.”

Was there amusement in that last sentence? As in,
Do you really think I can’t see her roots?
Oh hell, I had to stop this.

“I guess I never understood the attraction of babies,” she said. “Which I realize makes me sound like a cold witch, it’s just why would anyone want to create another poop and spit-up factory? But with Molly, I guess I can see the appeal.”

As in,
I can see why one might be drawn to steal her?
I gave my head
a quick shake. She was trying to be nice, maybe make up for her coldness yesterday. They were completely normal statements one might make to any mother. “Thanks,” I said. “Is that ridiculous to say thanks? I never know what to say when people tell me she’s cute. I mean it’s not like I can take credit for the cuteness.”
Shut up, shut up!
“Except I guess I can take credit for half her cute genes.”

“Yes.” The corners of her lips turned up and I felt a sudden stab of fear.

She knew.

Seeing that expression I was sure she knew; there was a smugness and an intensity in her eyes that clearly said
You’re sucking at this
. How would she possibly have figured it out? Yes, Molly had distinctive features, but all babies this age looked somewhat alike. She didn’t know for sure, there was no way she could, so maybe now she was just trying to feel me out.

“Tell me about the other half,” Posy said. “Molly’s father, who is he?”

I watched her carefully. What kind of game was she playing? “Alex didn’t tell you?”

“Yes, he told me some of it last night. Cigarette burns, right? It’s so awful; I just was interested to hear it from you, since it upset Alex too much to really talk about it. If you’re not comfortable discussing it, I completely understand.”

If she knew, then this would be how she’d figured it out. The news stories about the burns, David’s abuse, me on the run, maybe my and Star’s Virginia accent, the pieces snapping into place. She would’ve told Alex her suspicions last night, and he would’ve dismissed them. He must’ve dismissed them because for sure I would’ve been able to sense if he was starting to doubt us.

“He was dangerous,” I said carefully. “I did the only thing I could think of to keep her safe.”

Posy walked toward me and I flinched, but she only set her hand on my shoulder. “I know,” she said softly. “I get that, and Alex is going to do whatever he can to protect you, even though it might be best for everyone if you considered leaving. I just hope you’ll protect
him as well.” She hesitated, then squeezed my shoulder. “I think he loves you,” she said, then pulled away and walked from the room.

I stared after her. What had just happened? This conversation had been on too many levels for me to keep track of, like all the words we’d spoken were dubbed over some convoluted doublespeak, and I had no idea what she’d been trying to tell me. Was it a threat, or reassurance, or a threat disguised as reassurance? Maybe she was telling me to leave so that Alex didn’t get implicated, or maybe she was saying she’d really rather I go, but would understand if I chose not to.

I wiped my thumb over a spill of formula on Molly’s chin, remembering the last thing Posy had said and wondering how it fit into the conversation I didn’t understand. It almost seemed like the crux of all of this, the key that could unlock her meaning. That she’d try to protect me or that I needed to protect Alex, or both. Because he loved me. And maybe it meant nothing, was just a misinterpretation or her penchant for adding drama where none existed. But somehow it was this last knot in the tangle of my trepidation, my confusion and my fear, that hurt most of all.

That morning, after Alex and Posy left, I played with Molly under the shade of one of the tall pines. Every sound seemed magnified; crickets chirping, branches creaking, all jolting such intense terror through me that several times I jumped to my feet. It had rained at some point in the night, breaking the heat, and the sun lit the rain-fringed grass, making each blade look strung with rhinestones. Leading me to ponder how such a beautiful day could possibly be, at the same time, so crappy.

I could only imagine what Posy was telling Alex now. For sure she’d say how suspiciously I’d acted this morning, how it had cemented her conviction of who we really were. And because he trusted me, Alex would refuse to believe it. Of course I’d acted suspiciously, he’d say. I was protecting my daughter! I was scared somebody
might go to the police! My story of Molly’s abuse might be similar to Sydney’s, he’d say, my daughter’s face might be similar to some other baby’s face, but that’s all they were—similarities. This is what he’d tell her, what he’d try to believe. But inside, deep inside, he’d start to wonder if it was true.

From a distance I heard the sound of a car engine and I made a small strangled sound, swiveling my head to look. What kind of a car did Sydney drive? A black Acura, the news articles had said. I tensed, preparing to jump up and intercept her. (And do what? Yell at her? Strangle her?) But it was only Susie’s gray VW approaching. She honked twice when she saw us, waving, and I startled, biting my tongue to keep myself from crying out. Which is when my phone started to ring.

Sydney? I pulled it from the front pocket of my T-shirt, stared at it a moment, then answered.

“Lainey, oh my God,” Sydney said. “I’m going crazy.”

I raised my chin and waited.

“I mean I’m really going crazy.” Her voice broke, and then she said, “Say something!”

“Where are you?” I said.

“You heard I left?”

“It’s in the news, Sydney. They’re searching for your car.”

“I know; I got new plates.” She sounded frantic. “I mean I got rid of my plates and took somebody else’s.”

“You stole somebody’s license plates?”

“Isn’t that the least of what we’ve done? It’ll be fine long as I don’t get pulled over.”

There was no reason for this to seem so shocking. Sydney was right, we’d done much worse. It was just that it seemed so
criminal
. “So,” I said. “Are you coming here? Is that what your plan is? Because you better not just show up at the door. You can’t let anybody here see your face.”

She hesitated, then said, “I’m not coming.”

I blinked. “You’re not?”

“I don’t even know where you are, so how could I find you?”

“But you told me—”

“I know what I told you! I was bluffing, okay? Look, I’m on Long Island. I don’t want to stay in one place for too long, but I’m at a hotel for now. I just needed somewhere relaxing to go. This wasn’t supposed to happen, it’s all turned upside down, and I didn’t know what else to do.”

“And then what’re your plans? You’re going to hide out there for how long?”

“I don’t know. I have to get a few things settled first, but we’re still planning the whole Montana thing, right? We can both leave in a couple weeks and meet up there, I’ll take Jacqueline from you and you can go back to your old life.”

Go back to my old life? Was she kidding? It was like being given a heart/lung transplant, a
life
transplant that later failed. “I’m sorry, Sydney, but no. You can’t use me as your doormat, just wipe off all the crap of your life and then walk away. You turn my life inside out, I leave home, spend weeks taking care of a baby, commit a felony and you think I can just forget about it?”

“I promise I’ll reimburse you for every penny you’ve spent, plus extra. We can figure out how much would make up for all this.”

“You think I care about the money? You really think that’s what this is about?” And as soon as the words left, a thought slipped behind them. “The reward money,” I said. “That’s what you mean by having to get a few things settled; you want to see how high the McGraths’ reward gets.”

“That’s ridiculous.” She exhaled a little laugh. “You think I’m going to tell them I just happened to find Jacqueline somehow? By what, knocking on every door in the U.S.? You seriously think I’m even eligible to get the money?”

“Then what? What’re you planning to do? You’ve told me you had plans before and look how well they’ve turned out. You can’t expect me to trust that you know what you’re doing.”

“I know I’ve screwed things up. All I can tell you at this point is it’s not going to be that much longer. Maybe a week, two at the most and then I’ll be able to tell you everything.”

Molly made a face, looking up at me with her eyes tearing, and seeing her gritty drool I realized she’d stuffed a fistful of dirt into her mouth. I wiped my sleeve over her tongue, tried to clear her mouth as best I could and then pulled her onto my lap. “Look,” I said, “I might have to leave here sooner rather than later. The man I’ve been living with, his sister came to stay yesterday and it seemed like … I think she might know who Jacqueline is.”

Sydney didn’t speak for a minute, then whispered, “How does she know?”

“I’m not sure, it doesn’t even matter. Leaving here’s going to be hard, because I can’t leave without Star and she’s not exactly a good traveler. But call me tomorrow and I’ll tell you what we’re going to do.”

“Okay.” Sydney paused, then said, “Fine, then. I’ll stay here till tomorrow.”

I hung up and stuffed the phone into my pocket, watching Molly start to crawl across the yard. How the hell was I going to make this work? I was between a rock and another rock and a hard place, and being pulled down into a whirlpool. I had no idea how I could travel with Star or how long we could survive on our savings. And the idea of leaving here, leaving
Alex
, made me want to beat on walls, tear out my hair and scream, but I didn’t trust Posy and I sure as hell didn’t trust Sydney. So, tomorrow. Tomorrow we would leave.

Molly reached for a dandelion, pulled it from the ground and then held it toward me.
“Fow.”

“Flower,” I said softly, “that’s right.”

In response she handed it to me, and we admired it a moment before she started jouncing up and down on her butt, grinning widely. “Mama!” she said and my eyes filled, as they did now every time she said the word.

And just like that, watching the glee in her face, I realized. Something I was only just letting myself see, something I knew had been simmering just under the surface of my consciousness for weeks.

That I wasn’t going to let Sydney take Molly from me.

Not next week, not next month, not next year, even though she
very well might turn us in because of it. We’d be running from the law, would have to get fake IDs and maybe leave the country, could never go back to our old life. It was unimaginable, but somehow none of it scared me.

I smiled back at Molly and pressed my cheek against hers, held the dandelion wish-cloud to my mouth, and blew.