When She Was Bad (26 page)

‘You woke me up!’ She knew she was sounding defensive. ‘When you shouted! I came to, and stood up – and Rachel was gone. I didn’t see anyone else here. Are you sure you couldn’t have slipped?’

She’d turned to face Rachel, but couldn’t bring herself to look her straight in the eye, focusing instead on a point just underneath where the dim light was picking out leftover glints from last night’s make-up.

‘I didn’t
slip.
’ Rachel pronounced the word as if it was something distasteful. ‘I was pushed.’

There was a silence while everyone tried to absorb what had happened. Paula, who’d been largely silent since returning from her solitary exploration, was the first to break it.

‘I think we should talk about all this when we’re safely back at the hotel. Rachel should probably get that head looked at.’

They set off in the opposite direction from the arrow Ewan had drawn in the dirt with a stick, heading, they hoped, in a south-westerly direction to where the van was. With Chloe dredging up her A-level Geography knowledge to read the Ordnance Survey map, they navigated their way through the seemingly never-ending wood, eventually coming out into a field from which they were able to pick up a public footpath that would lead them to the pick-up spot.

While Ewan and Amira followed behind Chloe and Paula, supporting Rachel who seemed to be recovering quickly from her ordeal, Sarah and Charlie fell back behind the others. Shock had jolted Charlie out of the strange mood he’d been in since her pregnancy announcement of the day before.

‘What really happened?’ he asked her, his voice low.

Sarah felt another stab of misplaced guilt.

‘I told you. We spoke. She called me a bitch, out of the blue. Or at least I’m pretty sure she did. Then I passed out.’

‘What, literally blacked out?’

‘Yes. Well, no, not literally. It’s more of a wooziness that comes over me. It’s a pregnancy thing.’

She thought she could sense Charlie stiffening beside her at that word ‘pregnancy’.

‘So you didn’t see or hear anything?’

‘No, Charlie, I didn’t. What is this? You don’t believe me? You think I
pushed
her?’

‘No, of course not. I mean, everyone knows you’re pissed off about this disciplinary threat – not to mention hormonally unbalanced – but that doesn’t make you a homicidal maniac, does it?’

Sarah glanced at Charlie and saw that the corners of his mouth were twitching. She relaxed slightly, hoping they were friends again.

‘I bet she slipped down there, and was too humiliated to admit it,’ she said. ‘So she made the whole thing up.’

‘Yeah, or maybe she planned the whole thing and bashed herself in the head with a rock to make it look good.’

They both giggled, and Sarah could have cried with relief. It felt so good to be sharing confidences with Charlie again after feeling so cast out.

But as they emerged through another copse of trees and saw the minibus in the distance, with the sales and marketing team already gathered around it, swigging from plastic cups, the knot in her stomach returned. Surely no one would believe she’d actually done anything to Rachel? The rain was starting to come down in earnest now, soaking through her jacket and dripping off her eyelashes. Yet with every step they took towards the bus, her trepidation grew. Something bad had happened back there. But she had a terrible feeling that things were about to get a lot worse.

30
Anne

There was another photograph on the news last night. Taken with friends outside a café or bar, three faces smiling into the camera, arms around each other’s shoulders. I knew instantly which one was you. I’d kept tabs over the years, through Barbara. When a case affects you that much, you don’t let it go easily. Until that picture flashed up last night, though, I hadn’t recognized anything of the child from all those years ago in the photos she’d sent me. But something about that picture, a familiar look in the eyes, brought it all back.

I wondered then about your life. Were you close to the two women either side of you? That would mean you were at least capable of forming friendships. Have you been happy? What had turned the person smiling at the camera into someone capable of doing what you did? Was this in some way my fault?

Before our fifth session with Laurie, Ed Kowalsky and I met up with officials from the Child Welfare Department. Hurrying up the steps to the brownstone building downtown where the Welfare Department was housed, past the flagpole where the Stars and Stripes hung, noticeably faded after a relentless summer, I felt nervous. Underqualified.

I’d arranged to meet Ed there, ostensibly because it was more convenient but really to avoid another tense journey in Ed’s dog-hair-ridden station wagon. Ever since we had stood side by side in that dank basement, we’d been awkward around each other. Whereas a few weeks before, he would lean into me in that way he had, as if personal space was an outdated concept, now he seemed to shrink back.

I was late to the meeting. I’d spent too long preparing, trying to pre-empt the questions I’d be asked. Determined not to be found wanting. By the time I arrived at the meeting room, having had to retrace my steps to reception after failing to find it on the first attempt, I was out of breath and flustered. It was an unseasonably warm day and I regretted my choice of a long-sleeved shirt and thick cotton pants. From the heat coming off my skin, I could tell that my face would have gone the deep red I hated.

Walking into the room, I had the strangest feeling of intruding. Ed sat at a round table flanked by Debra, the thickset welfare officer who’d accompanied Laurie the first time we met her, and another woman with short cropped salt and pepper hair and tanned leathery skin, against which her teeth appeared unnaturally white when she smiled.

‘Dr Cater?’ she said. ‘Please come in and take a seat.’

There was another person seated at the table, a slight man with thinning strawberry-blond hair and a short-sleeved white shirt. He had freckles on his face and arms and a strangely shaped nose, as if someone had pinched it until it stayed that way. Jana sat to his left, looking cool and smooth.

‘You know Debra Albright, Laurie’s personal case-worker, and Laurie’s foster mother Jana Green, of course. This is George Sullivan, who runs our legal team, and I’m Nancy Meade, head of the Child Welfare Division. I’m afraid we couldn’t wait to get started. We’re all on a tight schedule.’

Her eyes darted towards the clock on the wall to make her point.

‘So, we’ve just been discussing Laurie’s case with Professor Kowalsky and agreeing that we’re all pretty encouraged by the progress she’s made since her parents were arrested. As you know, Laurie and her brother David have been made wards of state. David’s case is, of course, very different, owing to the level of neglect he suffered in his early years. At four and a half, Laurie still has the potential to put this part of her life completely behind her. There is an enforced adoption order in place so regardless of her parents’ wishes, we can push ahead with that if that’s what we decide is most appropriate. We have reciprocal adoption arrangements with organizations in Canada, Australia, New Zealand, the UK – places where Laurie could be completely anonymous. Mrs Green here is of the opinion that would be the best thing for her in the circumstances, and Professor Kowalsky has just told us that, from your sessions so far, the two of you are inclined to agree, which makes me wonder if we should start the ball rolling. George, can you explain to us the legal steps in this process . . .’

‘Wait a minute.’

The words were out before I’d even had a chance to work out what would follow them. Five pairs of eyes turned towards me.

‘It’s just that Ed and I – that is, Professor Kowalsky and I – haven’t really discussed this properly. The sessions are still very much ongoing and I think it’s too early to completely rule out the possibility that Laurie will need extensive long-term therapy to fully process what has happened to her.’

Nancy Meade blinked in surprise, although her ultra-white smile remained in place.

‘Well, obviously we would need to be completely sure, but I should remind you of the time constraints here. Of course the two of you,’ she nodded her wiry head in the direction of first Ed and then me, ‘know much more about the cut-off age for childhood amnesia, before the formation of long-term memories begins, but I would imagine we’re pretty near. Plus I don’t need to tell you that it’s far easier to find adoptive parents for a four-year-old than an older child.’

‘I think Dr Cater is just erring on the side of caution,’ Ed broke in, and I could tell from the way he stressed the first syllable of my surname, that my intervention had embarrassed him.

‘We know that the hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex – the two parts of the brain responsible for processing memory – become fully developed around the age Laurie is now, so we’re well aware of the need for speed. We still have another couple of sessions scheduled and we will hold off from making any final decisions until we’re completely satisfied that adoption is the way to go, but I can say that at this moment in time, that seems like a more likely outcome.’

He glared at me through his reading glasses as if daring me to contradict him. I pinched the skin of my left wrist between the fingers of my right hand and didn’t look away.

Jana raised one of her long, slender fingers. ‘Could I say something? I know I’m only a mom and you all are the experts.’

A collective murmur of dissent went around the table. Ed shook his head vigorously.

‘I just wanted to give you my take for what it’s worth as I probably see more of Laurie than anyone else. She’s a dear little girl. That isn’t to say there aren’t aspects of her behaviour that concern me. She has occasional tantrums like all kids that age and she still over-reacts in situations when there’s strong disciplining going on. And she has those kind of trances, you know, like we talked about before.’ She was appealing to me and Ed.

‘Barney – he’s my younger one – gets a little spooked by her when that happens, and he has started asking, “When is Laurie going back to her people?” He’s such a character. But given everything she’s been through, I think she is doing really, really well. Like amazingly well. And I just think she deserves the very best chance of being able to lead a normal life. Anyway, like I say I’m no expert.’

She shrugged her shoulders. Today she was wearing a cheesecloth top with a slash neckline that showed off her long throat. The two men around the table lapped her up like a dish of milk.

‘I like to think I’ve also built up a bit of a rapport with Laurie.’ Debra, Laurie’s case-worker whom we’d met during our first session with Child L, sounded usurped.

‘After all, I was the first person she met here when the police first brought her from that house.’

Nancy’s nostrils flared as if stifling a sigh, but her smile remained fixed.

‘Of course, Debra, you’ve been a real constant in Laurie’s life since she’s been with us, and I know she’s very attached to you, so we’d certainly value your input as well.’

Debra pressed her lips together and a flush of pleasure spread over her wide cheeks. Her tone, when she started speaking again, was softer.

‘I guess all I’d say is that Laurie is real keen to please. You know, you just have to ask her to do something once and she’s already jumped right up and done it. Do y’all know what I mean?’

‘And you think that bodes well for her being able to make a fresh start?’ Nancy was holding a pencil poised over a notebook but her arm was laid across the page, shielding it from my view.

Debra tilted her head and gazed thoughtfully into the middle distance before replying.

‘Yeah, I do. I think it’s got to be a good thing, doesn’t it, for a child to want to make authority figures happy. It means she’ll take her cue from the adults around her. And she’s whip-smart. She’ll learn real fast.’

I felt my pulse speeding up and my mouth went dry, but I couldn’t help myself.

‘With all due respect, I’m not sure I entirely agree. The desire to please isn’t always a positive thing. Sometimes it can be a sign that a person is sublimating their own feelings in favour of other people’s, and that’s not always what we would consider healthy, particularly given Laurie’s background. For me it’s a concern that Laurie hasn’t acted out more. This is a child who has been torn from her family, from her home, from everything she knows. I would have expected there to be more displays of anger, more challenges to authority. The fact that she is exhibiting this kind of docile behaviour that seems built around a need for adult approval makes me worry that she isn’t processing what’s happened to her but is just suppressing it because she’s learned that her real feelings aren’t valid, and, not only that, will probably get her into a whole heap of trouble. We shouldn’t underestimate the effect of exposure to extreme punishment at such an early age.’

I was long-winded in those days. Verbose. We all were. All of us women academics. We didn’t dare launch our opinions straight at people, didn’t have the confidence in our own judgements, so instead we dressed them up with flounces and fancy bows and nestled them in tissue paper so it was impossible to tell what they were without rooting around and peeling back layers. We worked twice as hard as our male contemporaries, men like Dan Oppenheimer, but then we offered up our knowledge like a present to be cast aside or else opened at leisure, its contents accepted or rejected on the whim of the recipient. On this occasion, the latter held true.

‘This is Dr Cater’s first major case study, and I’m sure I’m not alone in commending her thoroughness and commitment,’ said Ed, looking around the table with a smile. ‘As I said earlier, we’ll obviously be making sure that, whatever recommendation we arrive at, it’s in the best interests not only of Laurie herself but also whoever she’s going to come into close contact with in the coming years. So we won’t be reaching any conclusions without plenty of thought and discussion, but at the same time we completely take on board the need for a speedy resolution so that Laurie can move on to the next stage in her life, whatever that might be.’