When Reason Breaks (6 page)

“Can we read the rest of the poem?” Elizabeth asked without raising her hand.

“Not today. You may ask questions or predict what the rest of the poem may be about. You may apply it to yourself. What are your possibilities as you begin the year? I want to see what you can do with a limited number of words and limited time because, as of right now”—she paused and glanced at the clock—“you have only twenty minutes.”

Students groaned.

“Let's get started,” she said.

Elizabeth watched as her teacher's words sparked a flutter of activity. Students opened binders, tore out pieces of paper, and dug in bags for pens and pencils. Some students, like Emily Delgado, were walking supply stores; others, like Kevin, would be lucky to find a pencil in their pocket. Some students got right to work, writing down the phrase and whatever came to mind. Others stared at the bookmark like deer caught in headlights. Ms. Diaz circled the room to save the clueless ones.

Elizabeth didn't need any help. Her left arm circled her paper like she was guarding a government secret—head bent low, hair cascading from her ponytail over the sides of her face. Her hand moved frantically.

When she stopped for a quick break, Elizabeth eyed her neighbor. Emily sat upright with her legs crossed under the desk; she held the corner of the paper with her left hand and wrote neatly with her right. She stopped and tapped her pen against her cheek, like this would incite further inspiration, and then returned to writing.

Twenty minutes later, Ms. Diaz announced, “It's time to
hand in whatever you have. Don't worry if it's incomplete. I don't expect a masterpiece.”

“Is this going to be graded?” Kevin asked.

“No,” she said after another uncomfortable silence. “It's a snapshot of how you think under pressure. It's a place to start.”

“Oh, good,” Kevin said, relief in his voice. “See you tomorrow, Ms. D,” he added as he handed his paper to her.

“See you tomorrow,” she responded.

Ms. Diaz stood at the door, just inside the classroom, so her students could pile their papers on her hands as they left. Elizabeth scanned the room. Some students left the bookmarks on their desks. A few were on the floor. She tucked hers into her messenger bag.

She reviewed her work before handing it in. Across the top of the page, she wrote, “Words can wound,” surrounded by tiny daggers dripping with blood. Beneath this, she sketched a house with the word “possibility” across the front door. A girl stood inside, looking out a window covered with prison bars.

On the back, Elizabeth wrote: “dwell—to inhabit, have as your home. To dwell in possibility: to live in possibility. I think the quote is meant to be optimistic. Make possibilities your home; live out the possibilities.

“But, the quote can be pessimistic, too. To dwell on something means to never get past it. If you dwell in possibility, you might not accomplish much. Like the guy who has million-dollar ideas but stays poor his whole life. Possibilities are great,
but you have to take action. If you get too comfortable in your home of possibilities, then your dwelling becomes a prison before you realize it. Your home becomes a jail that sucks the life out of you.”

She underlined the last sentence twice.

Elizabeth smirked as she placed her work on top of the others.

“Have a great rest of the day,” Ms. Diaz chirped.

Elizabeth nodded.
You impressed me
and
you amused me. Let's see how you handle this
.

Emily entered Kevin's house through a sliding glass door he always left unlocked for her and stepped into the bathroom off the kitchen before heading upstairs. While applying a light layer of pink lip gloss and a thin line of light-brown eyeliner, she grinned, thinking about the first time she stood in this bathroom.

It was mid-July, and Emily was thankful that Sarah and Abby had left town for their summer vacations. Yes, they were her closest friends for as long as she could remember, but she had needed a break. Sarah and Abby had refused to be wallflower ninth-graders who inched their way into popularity. Instead, they all parachuted into the thick of things, a triple-person jump with Abby pulling the cord. Emily had no choice but to hit the ground running. Sometimes she felt like
a fraud because, truth was, half the time she would have been happy staying home. Other times, she had kept pace with her friends but was always worried about getting caught doing something wrong. And then she did get caught.

Emily and her brother Austin had started working in Pop's office when school got out, which wasn't so bad in the beginning. They even rented a booth at the town's annual summer festival, where Emily painted kids' faces and Mamá sold her perfectly seasoned empanadas to support the Little League team that Pop sponsors. Austin didn't do much. He called it working the crowd, but Emily called it flirting. Pop shook a lot of hands and gave free legal advice. At one point, Emily thought she had seen actual tears in Pop's eyes as he looked from one family member to the other, watching them work together.
Of course he was happy
, she thought.
This was all for him
.

Unlike Emily, her brother was actually interested in the law, which meant he often joined Pop on his trips to court and left her alone in the office with Luís, the tech-geek-spy, of all people. His apologetic speeches about how he was only doing his job were met with Emily's death stare and polite smile. To avoid Luís, Emily texted Abby and Sarah. They tried to make her laugh about the situation, which didn't really help. When they left town, Emily was left with an overly chatty Luís, a pile of unsharpened pencils, and Candy Crush.

So, when Kevin had texted her one Saturday afternoon with an invitation to swim at his house, she jumped out of bed and jammed a swimsuit and change of clothes into her
backpack. Austin gave her a ride. She had easily lied to him and her parents, saying lots of kids would be hanging out.

When she arrived, Kevin was in the back, already in the pool. He smiled wide when she walked through the gate. He pushed himself out of the pool in one fluid motion and walked to her, dripping wet. When he reached her, he hugged her tight and kissed her temple.

“I'm glad you're here,” he whispered. Butterflies tap-danced from the top of her throat to the bottom of her stomach. He led her by the hand into the house and to the bathroom. “Meet me outside,” he said.

After changing, she covered her stomach with one hand and her mouth with the other. She quietly screamed with excitement and nervousness and then lowered her hand to breathe deeply and calm herself.

She had briefly questioned herself:
After everything that happened, what are you doing here?
But she laughed because the answer was obvious. She wanted to be here. And she wasn't doing this because Abby or Sarah pushed her into it, or because her dad pulled her away from it. This was her choice. She took one last deep breath, walked outside, and dived in.

She had returned every chance she'd gotten since then. Keeping him a secret made everything sweeter somehow, but now Abby and Sarah were back and school had started. Things would be more complicated.

Emily set aside her concerns as she climbed the stairs and walked into Kevin's room. From the doorway she watched him
sleep for a while and then crawled onto the bed beside him. She rested her head on his shoulder and draped her arm across his chest. She closed her eyes, exhaled, and let herself sink into the mattress.

He felt her and curled his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him.

“Hey,” he said and kissed the top of her head.

She lifted herself to kiss him on the lips.

“I love your lip gloss,” he said and then gently pulled on her bottom lip.

He leaned back and they lay quietly for a while, holding each other.

“I was thinking about the first time I was here,” Emily said. “Why did you invite me that day?”

“Because I wanted to.”

“Was I the only girl not away on vacation? I mean, if Sarah was in town, would you have texted her instead?”

“Believe it or not, I don't ask out every girl who crosses my path,” Kevin said. “I asked you. I didn't think you'd say yes, but I asked anyway.”

“Why did you think I'd say no?”

“Because you're usually glued to Sarah and Abby, and I had already tainted your spotless reputation. After all the publicity, I figured you'd tell me to go to hell.”

Kevin laughed. Emily turned and propped herself on her elbow. He swiveled, too, so that they lay side by side.

“But here you are.” He reached out and held her free hand. “So, tell me, why did you say yes?”

“Because I wanted to.” She smiled. “If it was anyone else, I would have said no.”

Kevin smiled wide and squeezed her hand.

“Being with you
here
is easy,” she said. “At parties, I feel like everyone's watching and commenting …” She shook her head and stayed quiet for a while. “You know what I like best?”

“I know,” he said and raised his eyebrows. “I can tell.”

Emily pulled her hand free and hit him on the shoulder.

“I like to watch you sleep,” she said. “And I like when you hold me and whisper things like, ‘Are you okay?' or ‘Are you comfortable?' ”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Kevin held Emily closer and then rolled on top of her. She shifted so that her legs were on either side of him. As they kissed, Emily slid her hands under his T-shirt and rubbed his skin. Kevin moved back and pulled his shirt off. He grabbed Emily's hands and gently tugged her so they were both kneeling on the bed. She rested her hands on his hips while he buried his in her hair at the base of her neck.

“So, what do you want to do now?” he asked and smiled.

“Let's go swimming,” Emily said and moved off the bed.

“What?”

Emily laughed as she reached for her backpack. “You're closing the pool soon, so we should take advantage of it.”

Kevin, still kneeling on the bed, stared at her in disbelief.

She walked to him, kissed him on the cheek, and whispered, “We don't only have to swim.”

Kevin laughed and Emily left to change in the bathroom.

Emily beat Kevin to the pool and lounged on a chair while she waited for him. As he came toward her, he said, “You're not afraid someone will see us out here? Abby and Sarah might be in the bushes with binoculars and cameras, taking pictures and posting them all over the Internet. Maybe the local paparazzi were tipped off. You know, they've already nicknamed us EmKev or is it Kevily?”

“That's not funny,” said Emily.

“It might be safer to stay in my room,” he said and wiggled his eyebrows.

Emily tilted her head and grinned but didn't say anything.

“Seriously, though, I know we kind of talked about this yesterday, but I really want to know how long this whole secret-boyfriend thing is going to last.”

“You're in my sun,” she said and motioned for him to move.

He smiled, raised his hands, and backed away a few feet. He crossed his arms and waited for a response.

“I don't know,” she said. “You said it yourself: my reputation will be ruined even more.”

“I was joking.”

“But it's true.” Emily stood up. “Everyone will have something to say, and I really don't want to hear it. I don't want to feel like I have to defend myself because I'm not ashamed of being with you.”

“You shouldn't be. We haven't done anything wrong.”

“I know.”

“So, what's the problem?”

“Well, let's see … Sarah and Abby will be pissed when they find out I lied. And even if they're not, they'll talk about our every move.” Emily paced while she talked. “And then my dad will find out—
por supuesto
—and force me to talk to middle schoolers about abstinence or something.
¡Ay, mátame ahora!
And, what if, while all of this craziness is going on, something happens between us?” Emily lowered her gaze.

Kevin put his hands on Emily's shoulders. “Jeez,
chica
, you are tense.” He turned Emily around and massaged her upper back. “Now let me give you some ‘what ifs.' What if your friends are just happy for us? What if you tell your dad to back off and let you live your life?”

Emily shook her head. Kevin turned her around and lifted her chin with his finger.

“What if you trust me when I say I won't hurt you? And what if you stop worrying about everything and enjoy the moment?”

Emily's stomach tightened. She hugged him, resting her head on his shoulder. Could it really be that easy? Thinking about the aftermath of the June party, she doubted it. She'd never seen her father so angry. She'd never been more upset with Sarah and Abby for not understanding the position she was in, for thinking her problems could be solved with another manicure or pint of ice cream. But, they did promise to be more careful. Maybe, with her friends protecting her, and Kevin by her side, everything could be different this time. Still, right now, while their relationship was a secret, she had him, her friends, and no family drama.

“I don't want to tell anyone yet,” she said, looking up at him. “I want to keep you to myself for a little while longer. Is that okay?”

“I'll take what I can get,” he said and grinned. “But I'm not going to do this forever, Em. I don't like to play games.”

Emily nodded.

Kevin started to fuss with her silver cross pendant, moving the clasp to the back.

“Wait,” she said and touched his hand. “You're supposed to make a wish when they touch.”

“Okay,” he said with a laugh. “Make a wish.”

She closed her eyes and let Kevin fix her necklace. When she opened them, he was gone. She turned her head and saw the tail end of his cannonball into the pool.