When Love Calls (24 page)

“I think this was a really good session Erin. You made some great conclusions. Just to recap, you said you want to continue with your list so do that, and let’s see where that takes you. As for the area of relationships, I’d like for you to explore further why there haven’t been any real relationship prospects until you decided that you wanted to be in one, and what changed that desire enough for you to jeopardize and ultimately end your relationship. I’d also like to hear more about whether you still believe you’re ready to date someone long term.” Dr. Stevenson paused and peered knowingly at me over her glasses. “We can also discuss any
deeper
concerns you may have in the next session.”

“Alright Doc, I’ll work on it. You’ve given me quite a list,” I said as I rose from the couch and made a beeline for the door. As expected, the session had me feeling heavy-hearted and thoughtful. I sat in my car for nearly ten minutes before I ignited the engine and wheeled out of the parking lot.  I hadn’t thought about Grayson or the baby in years and deliberately so. I had blocked them both out because they were connected and thinking of one, inevitability, made me think about the other. It was one of the hardest battles I fought within myself, working constantly not to open the locked box of devastation that contained Grayson, my baby and the key to my heart. Taking the risk to open it could give me a chance once again to have an open heart, but it would also make me face an unbearable pain.

Before I knew it, I was parked in front of the liquor store.
This one calls for the hard stuff!
I thought as I walked straight down the aisle and snatched up a bottle of Patrón. My body felt heavy and cumbersome as I drudged my way to the register. I could already feel an achy lump beginning to return to my throat, and I swallowed hard to stave off the emotions I knew would overtake me at any moment. I managed to suppress the tears long enough to pay the clerk before darting out the door.

The drive home was nearly impossible because of my blurred vision. My chest heaved as I released wale after wale wrought with the agony of the memories as they overtook my mind. It was all I could do to pull into the driveway and get through the front door to the living room. I collapsed into the sofa. The same place I had mourned the loss of my patient and my sister seemed like a fitting place to mourn the death of my unborn child.

I didn’t trouble myself with a glass. I cracked open the seal, removed the cork and turned the tequila bottle up to my lips. Three large, stinging gulps ran down my throat before I set the bottle on the floor. I curled into the softness of the sofa as my cries lulled to whimpers and my spastic breathing became more even.

Damn near everyone I’ve ever truly loved, I’ve lost. What did I ever do to deserve this much pain?
Whatever it was and whoever I had pissed off, I was just one tragic event away from a complete mental breakdown. I had opened my heart in my session and now I regretted it because I was left facing the pain alone. The bottle felt a bit heavier this time as I lifted it to my mouth. I took a long swig and swallowed hard as it burned its way down. As the stinging in my chest subsided, I could feel the liquor numbing my brain, as well.
That’s right. Wash away every somber memory. I can’t deal with them today.
Tears rolled slowly across my nose and onto the pillow where my head rested. I closed my eyes and waited for the alcohol to subdue me into placid sleep.

*****

“Erin?! Erin baby, wake up!” A faint voice called to me through the fog of alcohol vapors and I felt my body being jostled back and forth. When I realized, I was being lifted from the couch I forced my heavy lids to open and my eyes to focus. Josh was cradling me in his arms like a newborn.
He’s such a sweetie.
I lugged my hand up to rest it against his cheek and showed him an inebriated smile. The panic in his face reduced to worry, though he still held me firmly.

“I’m drunk Josh, not overdosed,” I said lethargically. “Where are you trying to whisk me off to?” My lazy gaze focused on his eyes. I saw nothing but genuine love there and it frightened me.
Why doesn’t he have the sense to run from me? I’m not good for him.
“Let me down!” I mustered up some sobriety and wriggled out of his arms. “I’m fine. What are you doing here?” I snapped. I realized now the reason for Josh’s concern as I glanced at the tequila bottle. All but a quarter of it was gone.

Josh came and sat down beside me. “I came by to get the rest of my things. I saw your car outside and rang the bell but when you didn’t answer I used your hidden spare key to open the door. When I saw you laying here limp, I didn’t know what to think. We haven’t been in contact so I could only imagine what might have happened that may have upset you.  I kept shaking you and calling your name, but you wouldn’t respond. I didn’t know if you had taken something or what!”

I glared at him indifference. “Josh, I’m not suicidal, I’m just sad. Today was a rough day for me in therapy and I wasn’t prepared for it. That’s all. I appreciate your concern, but I’m
fine
. You can go and get whatever you came for.” I knew I was being overly abrasive and trying to push him away in my typical fashion. My fear of truly being loved was too great. I wasn’t sure any man had ever loved me and now I was standing here face-to-face with Josh and it was undeniable. Even after what I’d done, he was still right here, loving me. I turned to face him and said, “Josh, I apologize. I apologize for hurting you the way that I did and for the way I’m trying to hurt you now. I guess I never realized how much pain I’ve been holding onto and for how long. I’ve been protecting my heart so long that I don’t really even remember how to use it.” I propped up on my arm, leaning my head against my palm.
I’m so tired and confused… tired of running from my past and confused about how to let it go.
I decided at that moment, instead of trying to deflect from my feelings, I was going to tell him exactly how I felt.

“Josh, this, what we had,” I slurred, “It could have been something great if I were a different person or at least a better version of myself. I didn’t realize until recently just how truly screwed up I am. I don’t need to be in a relationship with anyone; especially not someone as caring as you. I can only hope that one day I can be a woman who deserves the type of love you tried to give me, but today, I’m just not her.  You are sincerely the kindest and attentive man I have ever known and I’m sorry I made you believe I could be what you wanted. I was standing on a cracked foundation when you met me and now it’s collapsing all around me. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be for us, but I wouldn’t want to have you gone from my life completely. I hope we can move forward as friends.

Josh was staring at me intently for a moment before he began. “Erin, I appreciate everything that you said and I thank you for being honest with me. None of what’s happened the past few days has changed my love for you. Love just doesn’t work like that. Am I still hurt, yes, but I know that I could never fully walk away from you. I think we could both benefit from some time apart, but know that you can call me if there’s anything you need me to do; even if it’s just to listen or to hold you when you cry. I will be right here whenever you need me.”

This man is amazing.
I grabbed Josh’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.” I leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips. I closed my eyes and lingered there. It felt like goodbye. When I pulled back, Josh was staring at me, studying every intricacy of my face. Slowly he inched forward and kissed me lightly against my cheek. He tilted his head up and kissed my forehead, then the other cheek. Finally, his lips returned to mine and consumed my mouth with every ounce of passion he possessed. I melted into him as my salty tears mingle between our lips. My instinct was to beg for his body, but in my heart and mind I knew better. This wasn’t the route I wanted to travel. I was done confusing physical desire with emotion.

 Reluctantly I backed away. “I think maybe you should go ahead and get your things.” I slid over on the couch and put some distance between us. In my peripheral view, I could see the disappointment in Josh’s face but I didn’t waver. He stood slowly, giving a sigh of resignation as he headed toward the stairs. I turned on the television and returned to my original position on the couch. I laid there on the pillow and gazed at the TV without seeing it at all. I was all out of tears. There was nothing left but pain.
More than anything I just want this day to be over and hope tomorrow will bring something brighter in my life.
The last thing I heard before sleep overtook me again were Josh’s footstep down the stairs and the closing of the door behind him.

Chapter Fourteen

I’ve awakened one too many times on this couch with a hangover. I need to get my shit together!
I mentally ran through several expletives and admonishments as I clutched my head. I was certain that if I didn’t keep my hand there, my skull would split in two. I staggered toward the kitchen pausing briefly in the hall until the room stopped swaying. When I got to the kitchen, I pulled the cork from the bottle of Patrón and poured the remains down the drain.
It’s time I stopped running from my pain and started facing it.
As committed as I was in my mind, my body was telling me to take my ass somewhere and lay it down.

I crept up the stairs toward my bedroom like I was staging a sneak attack on my mattress. I was planning to do some serious damage. Snoring, slobbering, the whole nine yards. When I reached the bed, I climbed in gingerly to avoid jostling my stomach that still burned with alcohol. I curled up under the covers and nestled into the cozy pillow-topped mattress. At that moment, its caress felt better than the arms of any man. Just as the bed began working its magic and I drifted off to sleep, the house phone rang.
That’s weird.
No one ever called my home phone. The phone sounded again and I snatched back the covers and reach for the receiver before another ring could peal through my head. “Hello.”  I said flatly.

“Hey Erin, it’s Angie. I was just calling to check on you and see how your ‘adventure’ was going so far?”

“Well, let’s just say I’ve definitely said and done some things already that I haven’t said or done before,” I offered a weak laugh.

“Well, alright! Is that a good thing or what,” Angie asked.

“It was definitely
different
. I saw Josh yesterday. He came by for the rest of his things and found me in a tequila-induced stupor. In my therapy session, all that stuff from college came flooding back. Grayson, the baby… everything,” I said softly.

“Did she make you talk about that stuff? How did it even come up,” Angie asked with agitation. I knew she was ready and willing to call the doctor’s office and cuss them out if I gave her the go ahead.

 “No, she didn’t make me talk about it. I didn’t even mention it. Dredging up old family stuff and relationships got things stirred up and before I knew it all those memories were back. You and I really do go
way
back Ang. Do you ever regret driving me that day? I mean, I know how I feel about what I did, but I’ve never even thought about how it might have made you feel.”

There was a pause and then Angela replied, “I don’t regret taking you. It was your decision, hon. I felt badly about the whole situation with you and Grayson and it ending up that way, but I don’t regret helping you for one moment. It was my choice and I can take ownership and responsibility for that.”

“So what do you mean exactly? You take ownership and responsibility for what?”

“Honestly Erin there wasn’t anything for me to feel bad about. I wasn’t the person who had to go through it all, you were. My point was I only have to be responsible for my part in what happens as a result of the decisions I make. I can’t be held accountable for how others feel or what they do. I love you girl, but I won’t carry your pain for you. I’ve known you long enough to know that you not only carry your pain, but you carry the pain of others, as well. You still hold pain for your sister, your baby, your mom, your dad. Your parents made their choices based on them. You weren’t responsible for your sister’s death and you couldn’t have kept Grayson from cheating if you were Halle Berry or damn Beyoncé because he was a cheatin’ lyin’ ass! That’s who he was. It didn’t have anything to do with you. Now, the decisions you made after I drove you to that doctor’s office; that belongs to you. Maybe if you let everybody else’s bullshit go you can really focus on overcoming the hurt that’s actually
yours
to deal with.”

“Why the hell am I paying a therapist when I have you Ange?! I swear you are one of the smartest people I know, and you never cease to amaze me with the things that come out of your mouth! Usually it’s something crazy, but every now and then you hit one out of the park!” We broke into laughter.
It feels so good to laugh!

“Whatever Erin! Get your behind out of that bed, and let’s go do some retail therapy!”

“How’d you know I was in the bed,” I asked.

“Because you
never
answer your house phone and the only receiver is in your room! Anyway, get dressed I’ll be there in an hour so we can go put somebody out of business,” Angie and Erin laughed and hung up the phone.

The conversation with Angie had me thinking. I leaned over and pulled the white envelope from the drawer of my nightstand. I traced my fingers across the sealed flap and contemplated whether I should open it.
Am I really ready to know what Grayson had to say all those years ago? Does it even matter anymore? What if it somehow makes matters worse?
I put the envelope back in the drawer and closed it.
Not right now.
Since I wasn’t sure how the letter might affect me, I decided to put it off a bit longer and got ready to hang out with Angie.

*****

No one in the world knew me better than Angie. She was truly my best friend and had been with me through ever tumultuous moment of my life with the exception of my sister’s passing. Even still, she accompanied me to my sister’s grave every year and even placed her own bouquet of flowers there. Because she knew how important my sister was to me, that made Emily important to her too. Over the years, we’d become like sisters and she had always been there whenever I needed her, no matter what. It seemed only fitting that Angie would be the person to help me get out of my funk.