When Is a Man (38 page)

Night in their tent. The sound of sparks popping from neighbouring campfires, the muffled slam of an
RV
door. The air had cooled, still warm enough to throw open their sleeping bags and spread them across the width of the foam mats. Gina's hips were propped up with pillows—a more accommodating angle, the doctor's suggestion—and he moved slowly and quietly inside her while their feet scrabbled for grip against the nylon bags.

Sex would never feel the way it once had. It would not overwhelm or promise transcendence, only a brief, awkward flight, a blunted orgasm. Maybe that was true for all men as they aged—every pleasure yielded a slight aftertaste of mortality. He had to stop being angry about it, that was all. He had to give way to humility, to accept that he was stripped down to nothing and had no high-wire act, only a flawed performance to offer. His body was a living ledger of successes and failures that would never balance but keep him staggering along with a knocked-about sense of what was normal.

He woke at the first faint light to a strange sound outside, a single
voom
, then another one. It took a few moments to puzzle it out: a nighthawk diving to declare its territory. An owl called, then the dawn chorus began, a swelling of robin song, sparrow chatter. Gina breathed softly beside him, radiating warmth.

He'd dreamt that he was wading down the middle of the Immitoin with his rubber chest waders, scanning beneath the surface with Jory's homemade fish scope. Immense schools of bull trout fought their way upstream, brushing past his legs, ramming their toothy maws against the scope. Through the gaps between shimmering, haloed flesh, he glimpsed the body of a faceless young man tumbling downstream, ragdolling off boulders—he realized he'd been chasing after this body. But he would lift his gaze from the scope, and the dream would change, the riverbanks replaced by Granville Street shops or a narrow brick alley in Skinnskatteberg or, completely different, his living room, a bed, a small café full of noise and people and wooden chairs. And as he wandered through each new scene—talking with a friend, studying, or lovemaking—he could still feel the loneliness of the pursuit continuing. Eventually he would remember to look through the scope and he'd be beneath the surface again, to see a flash of jeans and sneakers slip into the river's darkness.

Sonya would soon wake in Shellycoat, in her lonely apartment. She would bring Jory's ashes to the park, and then Gina, Paul, and Sonya would drive upriver, past Bishop, past Hardy's cabin and the camp at Basket Creek, until they were beyond all the landmarks he knew. They would go, ascending, until the Immitoin fractured into smaller, steeper tributaries and impassable waterfalls, unbraided itself into creeks and rivulets that coursed through the alpine meadows, spilled from small glacial lakes or seeped out of the earth and between stones. To where the river both disappeared and began.

Acknowledgments

First, thanks to Ruth Linka and the rest of the Brindle & Glass family for taking a chance on the book, and for their collaborative spirit. And to John Gould, who took on the task of editing my manuscript with his unflagging cheer, kind advice, and keen eye.

Funding support from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada allowed me to undertake the necessary research, and gave me the time to draft the first half of the novel.

Small portions of Part One have been modified from the original version of “Valerian Tea,” published in the
Malahat Review
(Issue #152, 2005). On that note, a warm thanks to everyone at the
Malahat Review
—particularly John Barton, Rhonda Batchelor, Susan Sanford Blades, and the editorial board—for the chance to be immersed in fine Canadian writing.

Though many of the events involving hydro dams and displacement mentioned in the novel are real, I've often taken liberties with the facts, as well as the geography of certain places. Any errors or inaccuracies are mine alone. The Arrow Lakes Historical Society provided literature—such as J.W. Wilson's remarkable
People in the Way
—air photos and archival interviews that lent perspective on the voice and landscape of displacement. The Columbia Basin Trust and the librarians at Selkirk College pointed me toward some useful literature and films on the subject of relocation.

Among the dozens of articles and papers I read while researching prostate cancer, I was especially struck by Denise Ryan's 2010 article on prostate removal surgery and sex, which included remarkably brave and candid conversations with cancer survivors and their wives. The previous winter, Stephen Hume wrote an intimate and honest account of his own experience with prostate surgery.

Walter Volovsek shared advice and his extensive historical knowledge. He also hired my friends and me to help build hiking trails along the Kootenay River many years ago, an experience that profoundly influenced my writing. Jack Hodgins provided advice and wisdom during the early stages of the book. John Gould, Brian Hendricks, Tim Lilburn, David Leach, Lynne van Luven, Lorna Jackson, and Bill Gaston offered mentorship, inspiration, and acts of friendship during the last several years.

Finally, undying love and gratitude to my wife, Alana, who has given me a rich life outside of writing and whose patience, faith, and sense of humour keep me going even in the leanest of times. And to our friends and families for their support and love.

AARON SHEPARD
has written award-winning short fiction and has been published in a number of Canadian literary journals, including the
Fiddlehead
and
PRISM International
. His personal essay “Edge of the Herd” appears in the anthology
Nobody's Father: Life Without Kids
. He is a graduate of the University of Victoria's
MFA
in Creative Writing program, and has served on the
Malahat Review
's fiction board. He is an avid outdoorsman, enjoying hiking, camping, birdwatching, and cross-country skiing in his spare time.
When is a Man
is his debut novel. Visit
aaronshepard.ca
.

Copyright © 2014 Aaron Shepard

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written consent of the publisher or a licence from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (
ACCESS
Copyright). For a copyright licence, visit
accesscopyright.ca
.

Brindle & Glass Publishing Ltd.
brindleandglass.com

LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION
Shepard, Aaron, 1973–, author
When is a man / Aaron Shepard.

Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1-927366-27-1 (html).--ISBN 978-1-927366-28-8 (pdf)

I. Title.

PS8637.H4875W44 2014 C813'.6 C2013-906016-2

Editor: John Gould
Proofreader: Heather Sangster, Strong Finish
Cover illustration and design: Pete Kohut
Author photo: Alana McArthur

Brindle & Glass is pleased to acknowledge the financial support for its publishing program from the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund, Canada Council for the Arts, and the Province of British Columbia through the British Columbia Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.