When I See You (33 page)

I tell her what Ethan has done in the most dispassionate voice I've used all day. She reacts with predictable vehemence and shock when I tell her that Ethan sold my mother's jewels for the house, but then, looks anxious and undone. I absently wonder why, but I'm too focused upon putting the food together to stop and ask. I whip through the chores of dinner preparation. I slice bread, chop lettuce, sauté vegetables, and season the steaks, while Ashleigh just watches with her usual, helpless stance.

"Why should I help when you can do it so much better and faster than I ever could, Jordan?" she asks with a laugh.

After a half hour, I look over at her and sigh in exasperation. Ashleigh has always been able to control her feelings, compartmentalize her life. She's so unlike me. I have to
feel
everything. And, I'm, apparently,
needy
.

"What are you going to do?" Ashleigh asks in a low voice.

"What do you mean?"

"About this." She extends her arm around the grand kitchen.

"I'm going to call Liz and Adrian. They can look in the safe and determine what all Ethan sold," I say bitterly. "They're staying at the house all week. Adrian's a lawyer. He can at least look over the sales documentation that Brock wants me to sign in order to sell this place."

"You'd
sell
it?" Ashleigh asks. "It belongs to Tate and Brock, too, you know."

"I
know
. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe, the Lazy J will produce oil soon," I say with a nervous laugh. "Maybe, I don't have to decide about anything right now."

"Tate thinks they're close to discovering oil." She gets this mysterious smile. "You could move here."

"That's not such a good idea." I wince, recalling Brock's rejection and the fact that he thinks I'm needy.

"Why not? It's a fabulous place. It's your dream home. You could finish and open the restaurant. Ethan did that for you."

"Exactly what did he
do
for me? I paid for it with my mom's Oscar jewels and my inheritance, Ash," I say, as the anger at Ethan burns through. "Who does that? And, what does that say about us? Our marriage; huh?"

"I think Ethan loved you. I think he just wanted it to be a surprise."

"I'm
surprised
."

"Austin's not so bad," she says, trailing her fingers along the shiny surface of the countertop. She gets this dreamy look.

"It's not that simple. I have Max to think of. We have a life. In Malibu."

"His grandparents are here. He's three," Ashleigh says in protest.

"He'll be four in five days. And, I don't want to make any permanent changes. Not yet."

"
When
will you? Do you
ever
?" Ashleigh asks.

"Are we talking about me? Or
you
?"

"Tate's the one," she says in this kind of amazed wonder.

"What do you mean?"

I brush my hands down the side of the chef's apron I found hanging in the pantry to stop their sudden trembling. I know what she wants to tell me, but I'm not ready to hear it.

"I mean, I love him. I
know
it. Like you said, you just know. Well, I
know.
"

As if on cue, Tate pokes his head through the kitchen door and informs us the grill is ready. He smiles wide at Ashleigh, while I hand him the plate of seasoned steaks to cook. I glance over. Brock lurks in the hallway right behind him, but I guess he's too afraid to actually enter the kitchen because
I'm too needy
. I turn away from both of them in irritation and the door swings shut.

"What's going on with him?" Ashleigh asks with clairvoyance.

"He turned me down." I try to sound casual as I take off the apron, but my hands shake.

"What?"

"I guess he's with Kate. He says he's not, but he must be." I shrug, affecting nonchalance. "She's not
needy
, like I am."

"He said you were needy?" Ashleigh gets this wan smile.

"He said Kate didn't need anything from him. Like I do."

"I don't think that's it," Ashleigh says slowly. "There was this girl. Annie. They were supposed to get married, but she was killed in a car accident, almost six years ago."

"No," I say. "Brock told me that happened to one of their friends."

"No. It wasn't a friend of theirs. It was Brock. Tate told me the whole story. That's why Brock quit law school. Tate and Ethan were both so worried about him that Ethan followed him when he joined the Navy SEALS and went on with him to sniper school."

"You're sure? Why wouldn't Ethan have told me this a long time ago? And, why wouldn't Brock tell me now?"

"He doesn't talk about it. He doesn't allow
anyone
to talk about it, including his family. Janie. Henry. Diana. They haven't known how to reach him. No one has." She gets this thoughtful look. "Tate doesn't think he ever got over Annie's death, until he met you. Tate sees a change in Brock because of his connection to
you
."

"Me? No. I think Brock hates me." My voice breaks. "I'm too fucking needy."

She gets this sympathetic look and puts her arm around me. "I'm sure you scare the hell out of him, Jordan. You two have more in common than most; you've both lost people you cared about. That's why it's so hard for you to trust or love anyone else. Even Ethan." She catches one of my tears. "You held yourself back. You
know
it's true."

"I know."

I sink to the floor and hide my face in my hands. Ashleigh slides in right next to me.

"That's why Brock doesn't commit to anyone for long because he doesn't trust himself in love. And, he doesn't want to fall in love, take the risk, and lose someone all over again," she says softly.

I glance up at her. "Tate told you," I accuse.

"Yes. He told me that you admitted to him, quite openly, I might add, what your biggest fear is." She strokes my hair, tucking strands of it behind my left ear. "Sweetie, you can't live like this. You have to trust that things will work out. You have to give yourself a chance at happiness."

I get up and start across the kitchen. "I need to call Janie and check in on Max. I left my cell in Brock's car. I'll be right back. Keep an eye on the steaks, not the guys," I say darkly.

Before I reach the door, she says in her sweetest voice, "I said yes."

"He proposed to you? Already?" I ask, incredulous. "This is all moving way too fast." I lean against the wall for support.

"Move to Austin. With me. We'd be right next door. Neighbors. How cool is that?"

"You make it sound so easy. But my life has never been easy."

My eyes fill with tears. I reach toward her happiness, but all that I can find is this overriding devastating feeling.
Ashleigh is leaving me, too.

"Don't cry. We're not eloping. You'll be here."

She squeezes my hand. "Max will be the ring bearer. It's going to be simple and lovely. Even my mom is coming."

She gets this anxious look, seeking my approval. Her mother has never been really involved with Ashleigh's life. The woman's too caught up in portraying herself as younger, single, and worthy. Laina Blondell has always been preoccupied with landing a man, a rich life, and never actually pays much attention to her only child. We haven't seen her for a few years. Since New York.

"When?" I ask, breathless.

"Valentine's Day. Kind of cliché, I know, but you know how much I love holidays, especially that one." She laughs.

I throw my arms around her. "Ash, I'm so happy for you."

"Then, why are you crying?"

"I don't know. Give me a minute." I wipe at my face and try to smile.

Ashleigh gets this pensive look. Maybe, it's all a bit much for both of us.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"I think so," she says. "Are you?"

"My best friend is getting married. She's leaving me behind in L.A., for a new life, here, in Texas. I deserve at least a minute to get used to the idea."

"Take your time," she says. "You've got a whole sixty seconds. Where's the champagne?" She opens the refrigerator door and looks around.

"Maybe, there's some in the walk-in cooler of the restaurant. I'll go look."

Ashleigh grins over at me, and then, follows me out to the hallway. We laugh a little and hug and begin to talk about her plans for a wedding in February.

"We have plenty of time," she says naively.

I smile, but, deep down, this profound sense of loss comes over me, even as I say, "I'm so happy for you. I am.
Really.
It's going to be great."

*≈*≈*

Chapter 19. Your eyes open

Brock

Dinner becomes an event. Tate and Ashleigh share their big news about getting married, while Jordan and I share in the facade of being happy about it. I sense she's just as upset as I am that these two can so easily plan for the rest of their lives. I'm in awe and experience anguish at the same time. Now, I think both Jordan and I struggle to keep up gallant appearances. Her enthusiasm seems as forced as mine when we toast the happy couple.

Remorse for rejecting her and hurting her feelings works its way through me, too. Jordan's quiet, only answering the happy couple's questions when they're directed at her. I take solace in the fine champagne that Ashleigh's opened and make an extra effort to ensure my glass stays topped off. I've made a rapid descent into the darkness. It's bleak down here all alone.
You can't have her. You can't want her. But, I do.

Halfway through dinner, my cell phone rings.

"Kate," I say, self-conscious with this particular audience. "Hold on a minute." I get up from the table. "Excuse me. I need to take this."

One-handed, I touch the top of the leather furniture while clutching the cell phone with the other. It's slow progress, and from behind me, the dinner conversation has all but stopped. I reach out, until I feel the coolness of the glass windows at the far side of the living room and finally stop.

"I'm in town. I came early. What's up?" Kate asks. She sounds both curious and seductive. "I called your parents and they said you were out?"

"Yeah, we're having dinner at the Lazy J. Jordan Holloway, her friend Ashleigh, Tate, and me. I wanted to show her the house."

"The house.
Your
house?"

"Her house. Mine. Tate's."

"All together? That's interesting," she says with a laugh. "Ethan's idea? Moving to Austin after a life in L.A.? Did he even
ask
her?"

Kate's ability to quickly guess at the situation is stunning. "No," I say in a low voice.
How much did I tell her during our sessions?

"Wow. Is she pissed? I would be. I imagine she's a lot of things."

"A lot of things." I wince because I'm not hiding my exasperation with Jordan over the past few hours very well.

Kate picks up on it immediately. "Everything okay?"

"Sure. I'm blind. He spent her inheritance on a house,
here,
not L.A. Things are great. Pretty fucking grand."

Kate laughs.

Why did I ever think she was some brilliant psychotherapist that was going to save me? She's a bigger psyche job than I am.

"You like her," Kate says with an edge to her voice.

"Doesn't matter."

"It certainly does matter. She could be the whole key to this mindfuck you're experiencing."

"Do we have to do this particular diagnosis over the phone?"

"No," she says. "In fact, we need to get you started on a new drug. Have you been taking the one Tethers prescribed?

"I started it a few days ago."

"Well, there's this eye drop medication we want you to try. It will relax the eye muscles. Tethers wants to see you tomorrow. He called it in and I picked it up on my way from the airport. I'm at the Renaissance on Arboretum Boulevard. Come by, so we can put some in. That will give it time to start working before tomorrow's session."

"Why isn't Tethers calling me?"

"I told him I'd take care of it. I was hoping you'd come by, so we could talk or something," she says with a seductive laugh. Kate is so uncomplicated in comparison to Jordan that I laugh, too.

"Jordan's driving."

"Okay. Bring her by. I'd love to meet her. I
want
to meet her."

"All right. Give us an hour or so. We'll swing by," I say. "I need to go. I have guests to entertain."

"I'd love to see that," she says. "You, as the entertainment."

"Behave, Major Richards, I mean that, especially if I bring Jordan by."

"Fine. I'll be on my best behavior for Mrs. Holloway." I wince at her sarcasm.