When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (34 page)

When a conflict arises between your mate and yourself, working out a solution can be difficult if you assume that everything, including how to work out a solution to a problem, must be accomplished by some arbitrary set of rules on marriage and close relationships; husbands “should” not upset wives, and wives
“should” always defer to husbands, friends “should” be nice to each other,
etc.
But arbitrary rules can interfere with saying what you or your mate really want and then working out some compromise that you both can live with. Being assertive in these situations can clarify what both parties really want and a compromise often falls out naturally. It may be as simple as your wanting to wear Levis and a pink T-shirt but only at work and parties, while your wife only gets really upset when you wear such a striking combination when you see her mother. To work out a compromise on this example, it may be necessary first to exhaust all the external nonassertive manipulative “shoulds” like: “You should dress like a grown man and not like a punk kid,” or “Don’t you care what other people may think?” or “Nobody should wear clothes like that!” before the
I want
or
I don’t like
statements that precede a compromise are given in place of the “shoulds.” Manipulation used to control your behavior (or that you use to control your mate’s behavior) is generally not malicious or malignant, but a result, as we have seen, of our childhood training on how to cope when we feel uncertain. In my clinical experience in treating nonassertive patients who use lots of manipulation to control other people’s behavior, I have observed that the manipulator often has hidden anxiety agendas about special things. These anxiety agendas are often recognized by the manipulator, but he or she has no acceptable or “proper” way of dealing with these fears, let alone communicating them to close relations; after all, no one “should” be anxious or afraid or have neurotic hangups, “should” they? For some people, these hidden anxiety agendas are only expressed on the level of their feelings. This type of patient has trouble verbalizing what it is specifically that makes him or her anxious. They can’t put their finger on what makes them nervous, what they are afraid will happen if you do a “certain” thing. Therefore they must control and limit your behavior even if they cannot say specifically why it is necessary to do so.

Older patients I have seen in conflict with their adult children often have hidden anxiety agendas about being
left alone or financially dependent, especially if their own spouse is physically debilitated or has passed away. These hidden anxiety agendas can sometimes be coped with by the patient, with the help of assertive, emotionally supportive adults like the patient’s adult offspring. Many times these hidden anxiety agendas unfortunately are expressed by the most demanding and rigid but “kind” manipulation of children by elderly parents. Younger patients who show manipulative coping with their mates often have their own hidden anxiety agendas centering around their futile dependence upon their mates to shield them from reality and to make them personally happy. These unfortunate people have anxieties about their own sexual attractiveness, anxieties about their mate’s love for them and flirting with possible sexual partners, anxieties about being an effective parent, anxieties about their own personal achievement and frustrations, anxieties about their own human limitations, even anxieties about being anxious. In short, the majority of nonassertive people I have seen in clinical settings have a passive or manipulative posture; they are not always cruel bastards or bitches with malignant intent, but mostly anxious, insecure people who are coping the best way they know how.

Because of the possibility of hidden anxiety agendas operating within close relationships, I suggest to learners that they be
assertive with empathy
when dealing with people they care for, with the emphasis on being assertive! You can increase the level of communication with your possibly passive or manipulative partner by using a combination of all of the assertive verbal skills to exhaust any manipulation and prompt your partner to be assertive, to say what he or she wants, in place of passivity or manipulation, even if it is said to you in a very critical manner. By coping assertively yet empathically, you are more likely to express your own point of view without taking away your partner’s self-respect, at the same time prompting your mate to examine any hidden desires or anxieties that are interfering with close communication.

Again, I have learners first work on being assertive
to those equals whom they are least close to but see often, preferably on a daily basis: a coworker or acquaintance. Only when the learner feels sufficiently comfortable in asserting himself without any supportive rules on how he and his equal “should” behave toward each other (perhaps even in the face of strong criticism), do I recommend that assertiveness be used to cope with people about whom great care is really felt.

Let’s now turn to the first dialogue in this chapter: a training dialogue dealing with an unstructured conflict between equals—how to cope with a coworker and then with a close friend who wants to borrow your car.

Dialogue #25
Saying “No” to a friend
when he wants to
borrow your
car

As one of the first training exercises for students or patients to learn to be more assertive with people they presumably have equal relationships with, I have them role-play a situation in which a friend, coworker, cousin, brother-in-law, etc., tries to borrow their car and uses a lot of manipulation to achieve that goal. Lending something like your car when you really don’t want to is a common problem. Many learners complain of their inability to cope in this situation. You also may feel that either you have to lend your car to keep peace or the relationship will be destroyed, or you will have to show some anger before the other person will believe that you won’t lend them your car. To extinguish feelings of anxiety in this type of situation, I first have learners practice assertively and empathically saying “No” to a request from an equal, perhaps a coworker who is an associate but not necessarily a close friend.

Setting of the first dialogue: You are on a coffee break at work and your coworker, Harry, approaches you and sits down.

HARRY
: Boy, am I glad to see you! I got a real problem and I was afraid I couldn’t get anyone to help me out

YOU
: What’s the problem?

HARRY
: I need to use your car this afternoon.

YOU
: Umm.
That is a problem
, but
I don’t want to lend out my car this afternoon
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

HARRY
: Why not?

YOU
:
I agree you need it
, but
I just don’t want to lend out my car
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

HARRY
: Do you have someplace to go?

YOU
:
I may want it myself
, Harry. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

HARRY
: When do you need it? I’ll get it back on time.

YOU
:
I’m sure you would
, but
I just don’t want to lend out my car today
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

HARRY
: Whenever I asked to borrow your car, you always lent it to me before.

YOU
:
That’s true, I did, didn’t I?
[NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

HARRY
: Why won’t you lend it to me today? I always took care of it before.

YOU
:
That’s true
, Harry, and
I can see you’re in a jam
, but
I just don’t want to lend my car out today
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

Up to this point you are simply coping with a manipulative coworker who wants something you have—a car, some time off, part of your work schedule, the last parking sticker, the newest typewriter in the office, or any one of a hundred things someone may try to talk you out of. In most cases, the coworker is not malignant in intent but just someone who wants something you have and really doesn’t give a damn how you feel: a conflict where most learners have no difficulty in refusing to give reasons to justify or explain
their behavior to the other person. Most people, however, have greater difficulty in not giving reasons for what they want to do to their friends, family,
etc.
To get learners to be able to cope with such anxiety-producing and therefore more difficult situations, I have them change Harry, at this point in the dialogue, from just a coworker into a good friend and coach them on how to cope with such a friend’s manipulation through assertively disclosing their own feelings of worry.

HARRY
: Look, I’m a good driver and I’ve never done anything to your car.

YOU
:
That’s true
, Harry,
I just worry when I lend my car out, so I don’t want to go through that hassle again
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

HARRY
: You know that I won’t damage your car!

YOU
:
You won’t. I know that and it’s dumb for me to feel this way, but I do
. [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

HARRY
: So why won’t you lend me your car?

YOU
:
Because I don’t want to have this worry
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

HARRY
: But you know I won’t do anything wrong.

YOU
:
You’re right, Harry. It’s not you, it’s me that’s the problem. I just worry when I lend out my car. So I’m not going to lend it out
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

HARRY
: Well, you should do something about that.

YOU
: For instance?

HARRY
: See a shrink or something. I don’t know!

YOU
: Thanks for the suggestion. Maybe I will, maybe not. I’ll see.

Many learners report that for their own self-respect they want to be able to say “No” to a good friend occasionally and mean it! The difficulty in achieving this expectation with their friends is that they have a near-perfect history of always saying “Yes” to requests; consequently their fiends always expect to get the car. Some learners have asked me why not simply go up to Harry, come right out and say: “Look, Harry. You get
too pushy at times. Sometimes you can use my car and sometimes you can’t. Don’t always expect to get everything you want out of me,” and let it go at that? The route you take depends, as the Cheshire Cat pointed out to Alice, a good deal upon where you want to go. If you want to change your friend’s long-term manipulative behavior, then changing your own behavior toward him over a period of time is probably most efficient. If you want the more immediate satisfaction of venting your irritated feelings upon Harry for his manipulation of you in the past having it out with him then is the most efficient course. You may not be able to do both: tell Harry off for how shabbily he has treated your feelings in the past and still keep his friendship—unless he is a very, very close friend. That sort of emotional catharsis works fine in sensitivity groups but typically does not transfer to the real world with our bonafide, everyday relationships—a unilateral sensitivity group doesn’t work. Harry has to first want to join your therapy group before he will accept your emotional venting. Another difficulty with coming right out and telling Harry that “Maybe you can have my car and maybe not” is that it will probably confuse the hell out of Harry as well as get him angry. Harry will not have the vaguest notion of what your problem is and will wonder why you are taking it out on him now; after all, he never stole your car, did he? He always asked to use it and you said yes. If you didn’t want him to have it, why didn’t you say so before, instead of making a big deal of the whole issue now? The problem for most learners, and perhaps yourself if you are like them, is simply this: at times you would feel comfortable in lending something out depending upon the circumstances and other times you just don’t want to, no matter what the circumstances. Any other solution to this problem beside changing your own behavior to suit each decision you make borders on trying to control other people’s behavior for your own convenience. If you, like most novice learners, have this problem of being assertive to close friends, you need to make up your mind on what you want to give your friends as you go
along and assertively cope with the consequences of each decision; instead, for example, of asking Harry to control his behavior for you by guessing beforehand if you will lend him the car or not—making him read your mind! It’s your responsibility to make that decision, not Harry’s. It’s your car. What happens to it depends upon you!

Other alternatives are open to you and your friend Harry besides lending him your car. At the end of the previous dialogue, you might help Harry with his problem in other ways. You could suggest someone else who might lend Harry a car, or even suggest that Harry try again tomorrow or later in the week to see if your car is available then, or a variety of other compromises.

At this stage of practicing to be assertive, most learners ask the obvious question: “Do you mean that I should never give a friend a reason for what I want to do or why I want to do it?” To this question, I give them this obvious answer: “If you and your friend have the same specific goal and are working together on it, two minds are usually better than one in figuring out ways to solve a problem. However, we are covering situations where there is a conflict and there is no apparent common goal. You want one thing and your friend wants something else. Give reasons for what you want and your friend will come up with equally valid reasons for what he wants. Giving reasons during conflict to justify or defend a viewpoint is just as manipulative as giving reasons to attack that viewpoint. Neither of these routes is an honest assertive
I want
that can lead to a workable compromise of interests to quickly resolve the conflict.”