When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (21 page)

SALESMAN
: You should think of the benefits that these crippled children will get if you buy these magazines.

LEARNER
:
That’s true, I should
, but
I’m not interested
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: If we get enough people to sign up, this could mean a real breakthrough in science and medical treatment for them.

LEARNER
:
You’re probably right
, but
I’m not interested
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: I can’t believe that you would let these children go off suffering and unhelped.

LEARNER
:
I can see that you don’t believe that
, but
I’m not interested
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: All your neighbors have signed up.

LEARNER
:
I don’t doubt it
, but
I’m not interested
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: What kind of person doesn’t care for little children, crippled children?

LEARNER
:
I don’t know
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

SALESMAN
: (Taking new approach) Do you subscribe to any other magazines?

LEARNER
:
I’m really not interested in buying any
. [BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: Well, you see these are not the only magazines we have in this program. If you are already subscribing to some, I can probably renew your subscription to them and these poor children can benefit from you.

LEARNER
: Thank you, but
I’m not interested
. [BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: Is your husband (or wife) at home; I’m
sure he would be interested in this magazine on home tools.

LEARNER
:
He probably would be
, but
I’m not going to buy it
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: Can I speak to him?

LEARNER
:
I’m not interested
. [BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: How about your children, we have a good set of educational magazines for them. You do want them to learn quicker and get good grades, don’t you?

LEARNER
:
That’s true, I do
, but
I don’t want to buy any magazines
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

SALESMAN
: You won’t give an inch, will you, even for your own children?

LEARNER
:
You’re right
. I won’t. [FOGGING]

SALESMAN
: Well, I’m glad the rest of your neighbors are not like you.

LEARNER
:
I’m sure you are
. [FOGGING]

In training learners to deal with commercial situations, many of them say that they just shut the door in the salesman’s face because they don’t want to even bother with him and his nonsense. I advise these students that assertively coping with situations like these that are not important is a safe, low-risk, real-life method of practicing to be systematically assertive in preparation for the more meaningful conflicts they have with other people. It’s like running around the track to get in shape before you run in the real race. I urge them not to avoid such confrontations when learning, and after they become proficient and feel comfortable asserting themselves through such practices, then they can shut the door in the salesman’s face if they want to.

Let’s now look at a real-life dialogue in which a customer asserts herself to a department store manager in order to get a refund on defective merchandise.

Dialogue #9
Anne returns a pair of
defective boots to a
large department
store.

Anne, a young, attractive woman, purchased her first pair of calf-length boots specifically to wear to several parties during the holiday season. Midway through the first dinner party, the heel on the left boot fell off. This defect infuriated her at the time and prompted her to vow that she was going to get back the money that she had paid for this shoddy merchandise.

Setting of the dialogue: Two days later, she walks up to a clerk of the shoe department.

CLERK
: Can I help you?

ANNE
:
Perhaps
, but I’d prefer to speak to the manager of the shoe department [FOGGING]

CLERK
: He’s busy right at the moment. Do you have a complaint?

ANNE
:
I’m sure he is busy
, but
I’d still like to speak to him
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: (Silent for a moment) Let me see if I can get him for you.

ANNE
: Good,
I’d like to see him
. [BROKEN RECORD] (Clerk disappears into doorway behind counter for a few minutes and then reappears and speaks to Anne)
CLERK
: He will be with you in just a minute.

ANNE
: (Looking at her watch) Thank you. (Five minutes pass. Anne approaches the clerk again and speaks to her.)
ANNE
: What is the manager’s name?

CLERK
: (Looking distressed) Oh! He’s Mr. Simon.

ANNE
: I would like you to tell Mr. Simon that
I still want to speak to him. If he will not see me now, I want to know when he will see me or when I can see his supervisor
. [BROKEN RECORD and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

CLERK
: (Quickly disappears into room behind counter. She reappears a few moments later followed by Mr. Simon. Mr. Simon walks up to Anne and speaks.)
MANAGER
: (Smiling) What can I do for you?

ANNE
: (Showing manager defective boots) I want a refund on these boots I bought from you last week. They are defective. The heel fell off the first time I wore them.

MANAGER
: (Examining boots) Umm … This has never happened before to any of this line of boots. (Possibly implying: “What did you do to them?”)
ANNE
:
I’m sure that this has never happened before
, but it has happened now so
I’m really not interested in the other boots you sold
. I am only concerned about this pair and
I want my money refunded
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: (Putting boots back in bag) Well, we like to see if we can fix anything defective before we make a refund. Let me send these to our repairman and we’ll see what he can do.

ANNE
:
I’m sure that you would like to see if you can fix them before refunding my money
, but
I’m not interested in getting them fixed. I want my money back
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: It’s not our policy to accept damaged merchandise for a refund.

ANNE
:
I’m sure that is your policy
, but these boots are unacceptable and
I want a refund on my account
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: (Looking curiously at Anne) You say you just wore them once?

ANNE
: Yes, and
I want a refund
. [BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: Were you dancing in them?

ANNE
: I don’t understand.
What is it about dancing that is bad for these boots?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

MANAGER
: Well, some people mistreat boots when they are dancing.

ANNE
:
I’m sure that’s true
, but
are these boots
constructed so poorly that they shouldn’t be danced in?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

MANAGER
: No … You should be able to dance in them.

ANNE
:
I’m very glad you told me that. It convinces me that this is shoddy merchandise. I want a refund
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: I’m sure we can get them fixed perfectly for you.

ANNE
:
I’m sure you feel that way
, but when I pay this much money for merchandise and it is defective,
it is totally unacceptable to me. I want a full refund to my account
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: But we can’t do that.

ANNE
:
I’m sure you really feel that way
, but
I want a refund
and not repaired boots for my money. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: Well, let me see what I can do. (He walks away. Anne looks at her watch, and then looks around her. Behind her is another woman holding a pair of boots with one seam torn and an elderly woman in a sable coat sitting a few feet to one side. Noting that both women are paying attention to her confrontation with the manager, Anne begins to feel a little sheepish and embarrassed. This feeling is quickly dispelled when the older woman in the fur coat leans forward and says softly to her: “Stick to your guns, dear. Don’t let him get away with it.” After a few minutes, the manager reappears and walks up to Anne and speaks to her.)
MANAGER
: I realize this is inconvenient to you, but I just spoke to our repairman. His shop is in the Wilshire district. If you take them to him now he can repair them immediately. That would save you a wait of a week if we sent them down.

ANNE
:
I can see that
, but
I am totally uninterested in having these boots repaired. I will only accept a full refund on my account
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: But we can’t make a refund. The manufacturer won’t allow us to make a refund that way.

ANNE
:
I’m sure the manufacturer won’t allow a refund
. But
I’m not interested in whether or not the manufacturer makes a refund. I want you to make the refund
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: But that’s the problem. If the manufacturer won’t reimburse us I can’t give you a refund.

ANNE
:
I’m sure you do have a problem with the manufacturer
. But that’s your problem, not mine.
I am not interested in your problems with the factory. I am only interested in you making a total refund
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: But if we make a refund we will lose money.

ANNE
:
I’m sure you will lose money
, but
that doesn’t interest me at all. I only care about getting a full refund to my account
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: I cannot make a refund. I don’t have the authority.

ANNE
:
I believe you
, so
I would like the name of your superior who can make a refund
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

MANAGER
: (Silent)

ANNE
: Will you give me his name or shall I get it from somebody else? [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

MANAGER
: Let me see what I can do. (The manager disappears into the stockroom behind the counter for a minute, reappears, and speaks to Anne.)
MANAGER
: We don’t do this as a regular procedure, but if you will give me your sales slip, I will send a refund voucher for the boots up to Accounting.

ANNE
: Thank you. (Turns and smiles to the young woman behind her holding another pair of defective boots.) Anne was not a regularly enrolled student in an assertion class or a patient in therapy when she learned to be assertive. She was a nonassertive colleague who learned these skills and attitudes in bits and pieces from
me during discussions over lunch or at social functions, and she put them into practice over a period of months. Curiously enough, Anne became very proficient in all the verbal skills on her own without benefit of the coached practice sessions that seem to better suit most novice learners. This particular interaction with the sales manager was the first of many successful experiences Anne has reported as she has gradually learned to be more assertive with other people. Like many other learners, Anne has undergone a major personality change; she has become more persistent, much less sensitive to criticism, acquired an ability to better cope with her errors, been less anxious about problems and conflicts with other people (less flight coping), and showed much less anger and aggressiveness (less fight coping) to people close to her. When I recently asked her to tell me about the one thing she valued most from her assertive learning experiences, she skimmed over these positive emotional changes within herself and emphasized her changed attitude toward herself and other people and the gain in general self-confidence that was produced from an ability to recognize and cope with manipulation by others.

Let’s now look at the other side of the coin, an employee who assertively copes with a customer with a legitimate grievance.

Dialogue #10
Andy copes with an angry customer
complaining about the
delivery of defective
merchandise.

Andy works in the service office of a large department store. He often works alone in the office in the late afternoon when the servicemen are out in the field and his boss is elsewhere on business. Like so many other people, Andy found it difficult to cope with the complaints of angry customers, becoming nervous enough sometimes to ignore phone messages, or even
the ringing of his desk phone. The following dialogue is one he reported while practicing being systematically assertive on the phone at work.