When Good Kids Have Sex (3 page)

I overheard. Knowing she was attracted to a particular boy, I asked, "If you two
are planning to do it, what are you planning to use for birth control?"

"What I always use," she smirked. "It's my safe time."

"But you just had your period last week," I countered. "Even if rhythm works, now
is the time to say no. You are not safe during the middle two weeks."

With the aid of a public health pamphlet, I eventually won the long argument that
ensued. Nancy recognized the danger of having "a little knowledge." Did that persuade
her to postpone doing it? No, she went to the dance saying she wouldn't do it. But
she did and as happened all too often that was the end of that relationship. She
lucked out, did not get pregnant although her period was a week late. As a result,
she made an appointment with Planned Parenthood because she was clear in her own
mind that she wanted sex, but not a baby.

Most teenagers are somewhat more conflicted about whether or not to have sex - so
much so that they cannot initially make plans for protection. According to the Children's
Defense Fund, less than 50 percent of teenagers use birth control when they first
have sex. As they grow older, use of contraception increases.

Some girls, however, desperately want to make babies.

Riva Jones, born before her parents were married, had a bubbling personality and
cute, cuddly looks that attracted boys in swarms. Her doting father, recalling his
own youthful indiscretions, was so determined to keep her chaste that he followed
Riva literally night and day. He drove her to school, picked her up to go home,
monitored her phone calls, chose her friends, drove her to church and to choir practice
. . . and to running away.

When Riva was placed with us, David and I were skeptical of her tales about her
dad's sentry duties, but our eyes were soon opened. The man was disturbed. Every
morning, there was Mr. Jones on watch at the bottom of our driveway as his daughter
marched across our lawn, walked down the block, turned right, and safely traversed
the remaining 1,500 feet to the local high school. He was waiting in the afternoon
when she retraced her steps to our house. On weekends, he sat in his car outside
from morning to night. At least three times a day, he called to beg me to make sure
that Riva was not spending time alone with those "greaser" boys living with us.
Finally, he petitioned the court to have her moved to an all-girl foster home.

Not surprisingly, with this kind of paternal encouragement, Riva conceived her first
child at sixteen. Over-control almost always produces the opposite effect from the
one you intend. For one thing, it can make the forbidden seem more attractive. For
another, over-control creates the impression that temptation must be too strong
for the child to resist by herself. So she gives in.

Perhaps also, in Riva's case, there was an aching need to have a baby of her own.
For both sexes, producing a child is a passport into adulthood. Today, this once
normal event - teen parenting - is disturbing for two reasons: our society does
not need lots and lots of kids in order to survive; it does need citizens who are
well educated. Since some kids cannot easily attain a college degree but have no
trouble making a baby, becoming a parent is, in their eyes, the only way to force
the world and their parents to acknowledge them as grown up.

Keep the Door Open

During your sex talk, pound in the message that you are always there to help if
he gets into sexual trouble. This is not as easy as it might sound. Point out that
even sexually responsible girls and grown women can become pregnant. Birth control
is not yet 100 percent effective.

And don't avoid the nitty-gritty.

I have also known a number of girls who refused intercourse but became pregnant
after heavy petting. In one case, the boy apparently used his semen as a lubricant.
In another, the boy ejaculated near his partner's vagina. Since she had never had
sex, this couple believed that her hymen was still a barrier. Make clear to your
child that any petting that leads to ejaculation can pose a risk of pregnancy.

This means, of course, that a good kid can be sexually responsible and still end
up pregnant. You want to say something like this in your discussion of sex:

"Being sexually responsible means not making a baby. That's Job One. But if you
get pregnant, or father a child, the next best thing is to get the help you both
need as soon as possible. I won't be happy if you make a baby, but I will be there
for you. I will help."

And be ready to follow through on that promise, in the worst-case scenario.

When you discover that you might become a grandparent before your time, face squarely
a related sobering truth: You may think you have control of the situation, but in
fact your options are relatively limited.

Legally, you cannot force your daughter to have an abortion, place a baby for adoption,
or raise the baby as her own. Nor can you throw your child out of the house, though
you can refuse to let her return home with a baby in tow. You are liable for your
kid's support until age eighteen; you are not at all liable for the support of your
grandchild. Your rights to participate in any decisions affecting your son's child
are restricted. They depend upon proof of paternity. They generally are considered
subordinate to the rights of the mother, father, and maternal grandparents, in that
order. Seek sound, informed legal advice immediately if you want to exercise some
legal ties to a son's child.

Aside from the legal concerns, your overall goal in this situation is the same for
a son or a daughter: to see your child through this potentially traumatic situation
with support and love. You will have to live with the decision he or she makes.
If that troubles you greatly, because you have strong feelings about a particular
option, like abortion or adoption, you must nonetheless avoid the temptation to
tell a child what to do. Button your lip, no matter how highly you are regarded
as an understanding parent. If necessary, get counseling for yourself and find an
independent counselor for your child.

Your Caring Response should begin with the question, "What do you need from me?"
That keeps your focus where it legitimately belongs. You won't decide the baby's
fate, but you will decide what you will or will not contribute - time, emotional
attachment, room in your home, money.

Be dear about this. When gestation begins, your role in your child's life is dramatically
restricted. Your child has another life to think about now. You can listen, you
can provide solicited advice, you can decide how much you want to get involved in
helping. Most of all, you can concentrate on giving a caring response.

Same-Sex Love

Gay love, or same-sex love, is a variation of love that, as you can guess by now,
does not make my list of bad things.

No one understands fully why some people are sexually attracted to members of their
own sex. We do know that sexual attraction is variable in uncounted ways, often
determined by cultural norms as much as personal preferences. Modest women in West
Africa, say, go barebreasted, but cover every inch of their legs, which are considered
highly erotic. The reverse is true in your neighborhood. Look at the chubby bathing
beauties of the 1890s, the anorexic flappers of the 1920s, the pneumatic starlets
of the 1950s – nature didn't mandate an unchanging heterosexual idea. And this plasticity
suits humans well; it means we all have a greater chance in the mating game.

Perhaps it also means that some of us will prefer mates of the same sex. Experts
believe that, generally speaking, about 10 percent of men and women in all human
populations are homosexual. In some sexually liberated societies, the rate may climb,
but rarely higher than about 18 percent. There are even societies, not considered
liberated that encourage same sex love among boys as a way of keeping girls virginal
until marriage. Heterosexual love for men in these societies starts only with marriage.

Whatever the statistics, it has always been true, and no doubt always will be, that
some kids are erotically drawn to members of the same sex - no matter what society
says, no matter what parents feel. You can't legislate sexual stirrings.

As everyone else is playing "Boy Meets Girl," exploring their sexuality, some teenage
explorers are going to find that the script should be rewritten. And they may find
that they have a tougher role to play. Adolescents don't want to be different; being
gay is different in one area that they are thinking about much of the time. You
can't help by giving easy assurances to a teenager who discovers that he prefers
samesex love. He knows well that, in America, such a realization is not generally
considered cause for great celebration.

One thing that all parents and teenagers should learn is that sex occurs on a continuum.
If some people are exclusively heterosexual and others exclusively homosexual, most
are somewhere in between. Famed sex researcher Kinsey posited a seven-step gradation
from heterosexual through bisexual to homosexual. Neither you nor your child should
worry, for example, simply because he gets turned on during wrestling class or some
other unexpected moment of same-sex physical intimacy. We're all sexual creatures
- never more so than during adolescence. Certain touches, certain activities, arouse
us no matter who the partner is. A girl isn't gay unless she prefers same-sex love
most of the time. Bisexuality means liking heterosexual and homosexual love about
the same. A heterosexual prefers opposite-sex love most of the time. Not knowing
these simple distinctions causes many adolescents a lot of needless confusion. Kids
can even be driven to suicide when they misunderstand their own sexual feelings.

At first, almost all gay youngsters struggle against their feelings, desperately
trying not to be "different." A number of my foster children were attracted to members
of their sex, but none ever could discuss her gayness with me. The attitudes of
society, even in our relatively permissive era, did not encourage this kind of sharing.
The spread of AIDS did not help.

Therefore, if your child has not been able to discuss his same-sex feelings, you
are not necessarily to blame. If he has, you have done very well, indeed, considering
all of the pressures out there in society.

Either way, you should know that many other parents have come to terms with a child's
same-sex feelings. Support groups have been founded and can be reached through any
agency that works with the gay community. Meeting with others, you can learn how
to discuss the issue with your child, deal with siblings, handle your own feelings
of guilt or shame, and in other ways accept your good kid's individuality.

If you are convinced that homosexuality is a bad thing, you are in for hard times,
I'm afraid. Throughout this book, in regard to every manifestation of sexual feeling
and practice, there has been one insistent theme, and it bears repeating here: You
can make your opinions known, but you cannot control your kid's behavior.

Face it.

Teenage sex, in all shapes and forms and sizes, pulls your kid into adulthood and
away from your home in profoundly basic ways. Sexual explorations are no less a
part of nature than parental love. Don't make the mistake of pitting them against
each other.

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Also By Katherine Gordy Levine

This book is based on a chapter from
When Good Kids Do Bad Things - A Survival Guide for Parents of Teenagers
This 265 page invaluable handbook on parenting teenagers deals with a vast array of common concerns and issues. 11 of the 17 chapters of this book have been revised and released as short eBooks:

vol. 1: When Good Kids Get You In A Gotcha War
vol. 2: When Good Kids Struggle in School
vol. 3: When Good Kids Hang Out With The Wrong Crowd
vol. 4: When Good Kids Dress Makes You Stress
vol. 5: When Good Kids Lie
vol. 6: When Good Kids Take Risks
vol. 7: When Good Kids Have Sex
vol. 8: When Good Kids Run Away
vol. 9: When Good Kids Break The Law
vol. 10: When Good Kids Do Drugs and/or Alcohol
vol. 11: When Good Kids Get Depressed
You can become friends again with the adolescent stranger in your house.

Tame the Test Anxiety Monster
You can teach your child to overcome test anxiety.

How to Hold Successful Family Meetings
Learning to hold successful Family Meetings will be icing on your family's cake
of togetherness. You and your family will gain much if you decide to hold such meetings.

Katherine Gordy Levine also offers books on Emotional Fitness Training:

Parents Are People Too - An Emotional Fitness Program for Parents
When you can handle your feeling properly, you can handle your kids better.

Twelve Easy Emotional Fitness Exercises to Tame Mad, Bad, and Sad Feelings
These twelve quick and easy exercises will start taming your mad, bad and sad feelings.

Self-Soothing - Create Calm in Your Life
Take control your negative feelings before they control you.

Thank you for reading this book. I hope it helps you in your parenting experience.
If you have the time, please post a review or come and visit me on my blog (details
below).

About The Author

If the title of professional parent were ever permitted, it would be due to the
author, Katherine Gordy Levine. Mother, grandmother and foster parent to almost
400 troubled teens, she is also an accredited therapist, a Professor of Social Work
at Columbia University, Director of mental health crisis programs for children,
30+ years of social work experience and 20+ years working as a professional speaker
on parenting and emotional fitness topics.

Katherine is a prolific writer who shares her wisdom on her blogs:
Parents Are People Too
Emotional Fitness Training, Inc (EFTI)