When Gods Fail (6 page)

"Please," she said. She held herself and
shook violently.

This was a chance for a new beginning. Soon
the world would need to strive towards a better future. It wouldn't
be built on murder. Because that's what I'll have to do: murder
this woman right here and right now. There were laws from before
and they had been chosen for a reason. They worked. If people
forgot them, then they forgot what it meant to be human.

"Please, don't." She broke into tears.

I remembered Big Lee. Now was my chance to
redeem myself. "Turn."

She shuffled around, her face contorted into
a wail. I felt sorry for her. For the first time that day, I felt
like she could've been Carol. If she lived through nuclear war, she
could've been this lady right here, begging for mercy from another
soul.

I lowered my weapon. "I'll give you two
choices. Listen to me." I waited for her sobs to stop.

"You can join me, or you're free to go. You
can go back to your house. Whatever. The choice is yours." She
scrutinized me. I sensed her elation.

"You're not kidding me are you?"

"No." I tried to smile. It didn't come out
right; at least it didn't feel like it did, because she seemed
pained by it. Though she cracked a smile that seemed goofy. "You
have to decide now, however, because I don't have time."

She looked around, then back at me, as if
she was coming out of a dream. "I'll come with you." She stared at
her hands. "I have nothing else now."

We walked in the direction of my shack for a
few hours before she talked again. I let her be. After all, she'd
just lost her husband and son. I hoped that me sparing her life,
after I'd almost been killed, would show her the right way to
live.

"So how come you don't know anything?" she
said as she slowed down and walked beside me.

I didn't trust her completely, so I walked
slightly behind her, made sure my gun was out of her reach.

"I was spelunking," I said.

"Cave stuff right?" she asked.

"Right."

"Your wife was in Portland when everything
went down?"

"That's what I think. Don't know for sure.
You found me near where our house used to be. There's nothing. I
can only assume she didn't get far. After all, even the
countryside." I swept my arm to the ash land that surrounded us.
"Got destroyed."

"Yeah, they sure did put a number on us,"
she said and tsked. "Only satisfaction I get is that they got it
worse than we did."

"How do you know that?"

"Don't know, only hope. After all, if
someone survived, you think they'd have made it out here by now.
Right?"

"Right," I said, not really knowing.

"Sorry," she said.

"About what?"

"Your wife. I'm sure you came out here
thinking you'd find an answer. But there isn't one."

I looked her over. She was a sweet creature.
Whatever distrust I had for her wasn't warranted. "I'm sorry about
your family. I really am," I said.

She stayed silent for a second, looked away.
"What's done is done. Now lets look towards something else." Her
eyes met mine, and she gave me a brave smile.

I knew then that she'd forgiven me. That
plant had been the first sign. Her smile was another sign that
things were on the right track. I placed my hand on her shoulder,
squeezed it.

"You a big hiker?" she asked.

"Yes, love it." I looked at the sky. It was
getting dark, and I wanted to find a protected place to sleep.
"You?"

"I liked the outdoors fine, my son and
husband couldn't get enough of it. Guess it saved us in the end."
She seemed to ponder her thought over. "Can you spare me a weapon?"
she asked me in a child-like voice.

"Well..."

"In case we run into trouble. I want to be
of help, not be a burden. I can shoot pretty well."

"Yeah..." I said.

"We're together in this right? So lets make
the best of it. Come on." She smiled. "After all, you let me live,
right?"

I pulled out a knife and handed it to her.
"This for now. We'll get you something better soon... My other guns
I'm too attached to." It wasn't a bad excuse, because they had
saved my life twice already.

I pointed at a pile of rocks that looked
like it could protect us. The sky had darkened fast, and I wondered
if it would rain. "We'll sleep there."

She nodded. "Good spot."

Her agreement evaporated my suspicions. When
we settled into the ground, I lay down in my jacket, my backpack to
my side, hoping that it would provide some warmth. She lay near me,
but not too far.

The sun was crashing into the horizon, the
clouds lit up across the sky, a firestorm from the gods.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" I asked her,
hoping the sunset would create a connection. Sunsets with Carol,
had always been a perfect combination; a moment to stare at a dance
of colors and assume that it was only for us.

"They're all beautiful," she said, as if it
no longer mattered, or never quite did. "After the war, they were
all great. As if the sun knew that a world of people could no
longer see it."

"Yeah," I said stupidly, though I didn't
agree. It seemed like a great sign of the possibilities that now
hung around my thoughts.

"Tell me, why did you let me live?" she
asked.

"Why not?"

"No, really. You were going to kill me at
first, but something changed your mind. I could see it in your
eyes." She flashed a smile as she pointed at me with two fingers.
"What was it?"

Her eyes at that moment reminded me, for
some reason, of Carol's, especially when she tried to tease the
truth out of me. "Believe it or not I saw a light from the sky
touch the ground and where it touched, there was a plant. I thought
of new beginnings. I think what happened to me was a mistake, a
matter of circumstance. I shouldn't hold that against you." I
looked at her face feeling somewhat foolish for opening up this
easily. "I think we can start something great.

"I do too," she said, rather quickly. There
seemed to be a sneer on her face, but I was happy to have told
someone about the sign. Night fell quickly and my eyes were soon
drooping under their own weight.

"Good night," she said.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her
darkened form. The voice, the killer who was gnashing at my insides
for ever letting her live, took the reins and told me not to speak
too coherently. Speak like you're almost asleep. I mumbled an
incoherent "goodnight."

With my other hand I grabbed the handgun,
and held it tight. She had a nice face, I reminded myself, but the
voice didn't care. I pretended to be in a deep sleep. But the
rhythm of the air coming in and out of my lungs soon put a mask
over my face and I was asleep.

The sudden noise cracked my eyes open with a
sharp tug. Something had made moved. Or was it a dream? The night
sky was black. The land was black. I felt like I was in a tomb. I
didn't want to move for fear of waking some monster up. I was a
child again. I glanced around with my eyeballs. Nothing. No shapes.
It had been a dream. I shifted ever so slightly and tried to see
the woman. It was too dark.

The flash of fear that broke into my visual
field scared me to paralysis. In a split second, I twitched and
shot the black air coming at me. Repeatedly. The knife in her hand
cut into my jacket, but my shots impacted. She was a soft bag when
she collapsed on me. Her chest torn open and warm blood flowed on
me.

It was still too dark to see her face, but I
heard her breathing, could feel it on my face, the smell of rotten
garbage.

"A plant..." was all she managed to gurgle
before her breathing stopped. Her voice sounded pleasant in that
last moment.

I kept her body close to me for warmth, but
I couldn't sleep in the end. When dawn came, I set out for the
shack. My strides were full and though I scanned, I didn't slow
down to observe any of the remains of civilization. I remembered
that I hadn't even bothered to know the woman's name. I realized
that I didn't care what she was called. I had been a fool.

Again.

When I saw the shack in the distance, I
slowed down and slinked to the higher ground just above it. I
observed it for several minutes. No sound. I wondered what I would
tell Jenny.

"Hey," I said sheepishly. I was still
covered in blood.

She looked me up and down before finding
some clothes and handing them to me. Her eyes were no longer
trusting.

"When did you say Big Lee and pa were coming
back?" Her eyes pierced me like a knife and it took all my energy
to maintain eye contact.

Carol was gone. What I'd been clinging onto
was something I couldn't believe in anymore. If I did I would lose.
Yet I knew how the wife had reacted, and so too would this woman if
she knew the truth. But that didn't have to be. I let the voice, my
balls, speak.

"They haven't come back?" I screwed my face
at her. "They should've been here yesterday at the latest. Are you
certain?"

She seemed stunned, as if I slapped her. I
liked that in her. I liked weakness in her.

"You think, you think they're...?" She held
her hands to her face; her eyes welled up.

I stepped to her and hugged her. "I'll go
look for them soon. All right?"

She cried and squeezed me. The firmness of
her breasts, the small waist made my blood flow. I sensed a
sharpness to the world. To her.

I made some food from the rations. Gave her
some, and she ate. I watched her pouting lips devour the meal.

I rolled out a blanket and made sure my gun
was next to me. I looked at her. "Sleep here," I ordered more than
asked.

Carol's image flashed. Be good.

No, don't.

She was more hesitant than willing, but when
I lay down, she slid next to me. Her body was warm under the
covers. The blood started to rush, explode through my veins, my
heart in a weightless state. My cock's skin was stretched to a
point of pain. I turned to her. She put her lips next to my neck.
It wasn't meant to be sensuous; I could tell that she meant nothing
by it, but the voice wouldn't listen. This was not the path to a
better world, where trust would be the glue amongst people. My
thoughts whispered. But there was a beat in my heart that even I
couldn't control.

I placed my hand on her thigh. Supple, soft.
She seemed willing. I slipped my hand under her dress and on her
thigh.

She flinched, but didn't move.

She was innocent.

I was hungry.

Her fear I could smell, but something in me
confused it—or wanted to confuse it—for desire of the unknown.

I gave myself another chance to stop. Part
of me still wanted to stop, to take a measured approach to this, to
be nice, to slowly gain her trust. The rest of me laughed, mocked
this part and said take it, she is one of the spoils in the battles
you have fought.

Was it the memory of Carol that motivated
me? Her soft, warm body that I missed and wanted to taste again? Or
was it the dead bodies of Big Lee and Johnny? Their twisted bodies
being eaten by insects, punishment for trying to end me—was this
one more strike at their folly? No. I stopped thinking of Carol or
Jenny's family.

My other hand slowly moved across her chest
and barely touched her breasts. Soft. My hands rubbed harder. Then
pressed down. My heart beats like a drum, like a drum from an
ancient ritual.

Mine.

All mine.

The reward would come soon. I rolled myself
on her, my knees on her thighs, pinning her down, my hand now on
her shoulders. Her mouth—that sensuous mouth—let out a slight wail
of strain. That should have stopped me, that would have stopped me
a few days ago, but I wouldn't. Couldn't.

The voice wouldn't.

My cock was roaring, and I flipped up,
ripped her dress. Her arms reached up trying to push me off, but
she wasn't strong enough. Her legs, those amazing hips and thighs
squirmed under me, but weren't in the right place. I pulled out my
cock. I leaned in for a kiss.

Her head seemed frozen, as if she was asking
for more.

A lie to make the moment better.

I kissed her slowly, for a moment I tried to
seduce her. Rubbed my lips against her. Her eyes seemed to look at
me in awe. It might not have been awe, but that's what I wanted it
to be. And I kissed her and she seemed to kiss me back. But I
couldn't be certain, so I kissed her again. The voice, my cock,
growled at me, swayed like gorillas, told me to stop fucking around
and start fucking. No one is here to judge. Nothing is here to
judge. Just you and her.

She kissed me back.

I absorbed her saliva with joy—she'd stopped
kicking. Her arms were around me. She had no one else. She had
nothing else—not in this world—she knew this and knew that I was
hers, as much as she was mine. She'd realized this and came to her
senses.

My hand felt between her legs, it was wet. I
slid inside her, and she arched like a frozen gymnast, her mouth
open, almost screamed. It took a few thrusts to get all the way
inside her. When I finally pushed deep inside, the welcoming feel
was so overwhelming, so everything that made my hips move, that
made life worth it, that it only took a few extra thrusts before I
came.

I collapsed on top of her breasts. Slid off
her with great effort. She rested her head on my chest, as if she'd
wanted it all along, but in her eyes I could see that she was
looking elsewhere, thinking of something else. Maybe even someone
else, but that didn't bother me.

Before I went to sleep I felt her up, still
amazed at what I had, and entered her one more time.

The part that had told me to stop, not
overpower her, was now the only thing that stood up and spoke
inside me. It spoke and filled me with a horrendous feeling. What
had I done? What had I become? I was a fool, a beast. I wanted to
apologize. Instead, I just stared at her as she averted her gaze
and pretended to go to sleep. I would apologize to her in due time,
I thought, but for that moment I had to sleep.