What's Left of Me (Finally Unbroken Book 2) (3 page)

“Hey,” I greet Amber while closing the door with my foot. My hands full with grocery bags and the key I used to open the door. “A little help,” I mutter. She doesn’t move, and it’s not until I walk past her on my way to the kitchen that I realize she hasn’t heard me.

Pulling her earphones out of her ears, she rushes to me. “Shit, sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

“Language,” I scold.

She smirks and starts rifling through the paper bags, looking to see what she can inhale. At eighteen, she’s just about to go off to college with a full scholarship in medicine.

“Ooo donuts,” she screeches, pulling her hand out, which is attached to some sugary goodness while her other hand delves in tagging another one.

I roll my eyes. “Don’t spoil your dinner. It’s noodles,” I grumble.

“Never.” She giggles then smirks, falling back onto the couch and shoving a whole donut into her mouth, before turning back to her book. She pops her earphones in and the iPod starts back up, I can hear the screaming rock from across the room.

Smiling, I unpack the rest of the food. For me, money is still a problem, Amber only has that iPod as a gift from Sarah. I glance around the kitchen at the beige tiles and the battered brown worktops. The kitchen is really just an extension of our living room, separated by a breakfast bar. People do that on purpose now, have their kitchen and living area separated by just a countertop like I have. But usually, it’s a huge space, with a modern design and new appliances. My apartment was designed like this. The developers trying to fit as many apartments into as small a space as possible. I moved in here four years ago.

After losing Larissa and Rocco, I pooled together what little money I could afford for their funerals, but it still wasn’t enough. I needed to use the rent money too. It was one too many times for the landlord, so needless to say, he kicked me out and I headed over to a shelter. Told him I’d be back for my things, but when I arrived back the next day, I found what remained of our belongings on the street. I was left with nothing. When I say nothing, I mean it in the literal sense. Anything worth something was stolen. I had the clothes I was wearing. And after rifling through what I was able to salvage—and carry in a bag on my back—I got a few clothes, a bag to put them in, a photo album and Rocco’s favorite teddy.

The first shelter I went to pointed me in the direction of the community center. Somewhere that helps people get back on their feet, amongst other things. I was one of the people they helped. In a way, I still am. The bereavement course I run helps me as much as them. I moved from shelter to shelter for about a year. Through that time, I’d been cleaning the center. It paid nothing really, but I was used to nothing and was good at budgeting. As soon as I could, I found this place. It’s no palace, but I keep it clean and tidy, and when I have the money, warm. It only has one bedroom and one bathroom, but I survive.
We survive
.

Amber came to the community center two years ago. She was sixteen, her mom had just died. Drugs. That life, the life of a drug addict, was threatening to take her over too. After she came to my class, I got to know her and spent some time with her outside of the community center. Not exactly the way they like things to run over there, but I was never able to keep myself emotionally distant from people, so I offered her my couch. It’s been hers ever since. Amber gave me something when she moved in here. Something I needed desperately, something I craved, even though I didn’t realize it back then. Amber gave me family again. Once I got her back into the local public school, she proved just how studious she was. Having good grades has gotten her to where she’s going, and I couldn’t be prouder. Now I have her for only another two months before she leaves, spreads her wings, and I’m once again on my own.

I sit next to her, tucking my legs under my butt and switch on the cheap, small television. After assessing that, as per usual, there’s nothing worth watching, I pull an old magazine that I swiped from the community center out of my bag and flick it open.

“You okay?” Amber mutters beside me.

“What? Yeah. Why?” I reply, looking up at her.

“Because you’ve had that open on the same page for the last fifteen minutes. I know you read slowly, but these pages just have photos of badly dressed celebs. There’s nothing worth fifteen minutes of time in there,” she tells me, pointing to the magazine with a smirk.

“Oh…” I shake my head, “…I guess I was just thinking about someone.”

“Who?” she immediately asks.

I sigh. Amber was around the last time Ruben was, and she knows the full weight of him being back. “Ruben.”

“What? Why would you be thinking about him? And after all this time,” Amber snaps, jumping up from her seat, sending her books flying.

“Calm down. He’s gone again,” I tell her.

“What?” she shrieks.

“He came to the start of my new course today. But when I was doing the introductions, there was another guy who ran out. So I followed the guy, looked wherever I could inside then ran outside. When I did, Ruben was there, standing against the wall and looking freaked. He’d obviously escaped the meeting the minute I’d gone after the other guy. I knew he wasn’t about to go back in. I asked him to meet me in the coffee room once the session was over. I told him there was no pressure. When I went there after, he wasn’t there. Stupid really.” I sigh pulling my legs up and wrapping my arms around myself in a protective ball. “I knew he was a flight risk.” I laugh softly.

“I can’t flipping believe this!” Amber complains starting to pace. “He basically used you as a leaning post for four months. You saved him from jail, stopped him from doing countless stupid things. You helped him at the drop of a hat. Then, the one time you call his best friend, knowing he needed someone else to step in, and he cut you off. You were a wreck after that. Do you even remember, Laurie?” Amber shouts, flinging her arms about in an eighteen-year-old girl way.

I nod. I do remember. I remember feeling his pain as though it were my own. Feeling like I was falling. My own grief not enough, I was being dragged down by his too. He was the one I could never save, no matter how hard I tried. I gave more to him than anyone else. I’m not sure at what point I realized that my feelings ran deeper than they should. But Ruben was drowning, he couldn’t see anything but pain and destruction. No matter what I did, it wasn’t me that was supposed to heal him. Before him, I’d gone from all-encompassing pain and grief to dealing with things in a constructive way. Ruben Asher came crashing into my life, never offering me anything. I was supposed to be there to help him, and all I did was allow myself to fall for someone unattainable. I ended up being pulled back into the pit of despair for a while.

It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I allowed myself to think I could be enough. He’ll never get over his ghosts. It’s taken me a long time to realize that. He made me face up to some of my own pain. Anguish and blame, that I had covered over for so long, but never fixed. He made me change how I viewed the course my life ran. How I helped people. After Ruben, I tried to stay detached from people. Like I’m supposed to. Danny and Anabel tried to keep in contact with me, but I cut them off. It was easier that way. I move through each day the same way now. If it weren’t for Amber, my life would be gray.

“I remember,” I tell her.

She comes to sit back next to me. “I’m sorry that I shouted. I just don’t want you to get so low again. He did that, even if he wasn’t aware. I’m leaving soon. That scares me enough.”

“You’ll be fine,” I tell her wrapping my arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.

“It’s not me I’m worried about Laurie.”

I swallow and manage a small nod. “If we all have one person meant for us, then I’m pretty sure he was mine. Even if only from a distance. The problem is his person wasn’t, and never will be, me. So I know I can’t let myself fall down that rabbit hole again. But I won’t turn him away Amber. Maybe this time, if I’m able to help him, it might give me some closure,” I tell her on a squeeze.

“Hmm. You need to do what’s best. Just do me a favor,” she says.

“Anything honey,” I reply looking down at her worried face.

“Just be careful,” she whispers.

“I will.” My reply is solid, I just wish everything else was.

“Ruben?” Anabel’s surprised voice warms me from down the phone line.

“Anabel. It’s good to speak to you, babe.”

“Are you okay?” I know she’s surprised to hear from me, even if I can’t see her face. When I need something, or when I call to check in or catch up, it’s always through Danny. Although, with her appeasing voice, I’m thinking I should make more time for chats with her.

“I’m downtown. On 54
th
Street. At Famous Eds,” I tell her and wait.

“What! Ruben, I thought you’d gotten stronger. If you were still struggling, you should’ve stayed at our place for longer. You know you’re always welcome here, with us. Why did you have to go to a bar the first week you move back into your apartment?” She’s annoyed, I can hear it, but she’s not shouting at me. No. It’s worse than that. It’s disappointment I hear in her tone.

“Anabel. I haven’t had a drink,” I tell her soberly.

“W-what? Really?” she asks.

“Yeah. I tried something. Didn’t work out. Had a hard time and ended up here. I pulled my shit together at the last minute and ordered a coke. But Anabel, I could use a weekend at your place. Can I come up?” I ask.

“Of course! What did I just say to you, Asher?”

She used my surname, she only does that when she’s pissed.

I bite the inside of my mouth, so I don’t chuckle.

“You know Danny’s away this weekend, though, right?” she asks.

“Yeah. I figured you could use some company. With two girls and being pregnant and all.” I chuckle now.

“I’m perfectly capable, I’m not an invalid you know!” she snaps and I chuckle some more, before becoming serious.

“Anabel. I could use some time with
you
actually. I want to talk through some issues. Amanda related.” I manage to force the words out.

“Oh. Of course. Come down tonight, okay? I’ll make mac and cheese,” she tells me and I can almost hear my stomach growl. Anabel’s mac and cheese is fucking amazing.

“Be there in a couple of hours, babe. I’ll call Danny, give him the heads up too,” I say to her before disconnecting. I pull my hand down my face, feeling it in my gut. For once I’m doing the right thing. I’m trying to be better… for myself this time. With just that thought, a weight lifts and I know I’m going to feel complete again.

A few hours later, I’m at Danny’s. I’ve spent the last hour chucking the girls around and chasing them through the rooms. Danny better hope this next baby is a little dude because these women know how to wrap a guy around their finger. He’s fucked. I stopped playing when Anabel shouted at me. Something about it being their bath and bedtime, and they didn’t need to be riled up. I couldn’t help smirking, which didn’t help the situation.

Making my way outside, grabbing a bottle of water as I go, Anabel has a whole relaxation area set up out here. Soft outdoor sofas surround a low table, there’s decking to one side with a huge grill and counter next to it. A fridge sits underneath with drinks. It only has soda and bottles of water in there, though. Ever since I came out of rehab, Danny and Anabel have lived without alcohol too. They try to tell me it’s because she’s pregnant, but even when she wasn’t, they cleared every bit of my poison from their lives. It’s an act I’m immensely grateful for. Across to the far side of the garden is a small wall which has a gate, which stops anyone from going in. Behind that wall is a telescope. Also, behind that wall, is something I try to avoid when I visit. I sink into the sofa, not quite able to pull my eyes from the stars.

“It’s peaceful out here tonight. Don’t you think?” Anabel asks, settling herself next to me. I say nothing and just nod my response. “Do you still talk to her?” she asks, diving right in. Sometimes I think Anabel knows me better than Danny. It might be the maternal female in her, or it could be that she was Amanda’s best friend. Soul mates they used to call themselves. If that’s true, then Anabel knows Amanda’s soul like no other, which would explain how she can know me so well.

“Yeah.” My answer is short.

“Every day?” she shoots back.

I swallow, not wanting to answer truthfully, but knowing I have to. “No. Do you?”

“Yeah.” She sighs and I hang my head. “It’s okay, you know.”

“What?” I say to my boots.

“Not talking to her every day.” I don’t answer, as I’m not sure I agree. “You know, we talked, Amanda and me about you before she died. I’ve told you before. She didn’t want you stuck in the past. She wanted you to have a future. Think, if it were the other way around, you wouldn’t want her to live like this, right?”

“I’m not stuck in the past, I—”

“Bullshit,” she snaps jumping up. Anabel rarely uses profanities, so when she does, people take notice. My body jerks at her angry tone, but I don’t move. “Don’t try and kid a fucking kidder. I’ve lived in my past for over ten years, Ruben.
Ten fucking years!
Now that’s exactly what you’re doing. Blaming everything else for the reason you’re the way you are. Telling yourself everything is good because you gave up drinking. But that’s not everything, it’s not the only demon you have. If you continue to live like this, a half existence, then you might as well still be drinking. At least then, you’d be numb, and maybe you’d move on to the next life sooner. That’s what you want isn’t it? To die? To be one of the stars? Up there next to her?”

She stands in front of me panting, and I stare up at her. Poking her finger in my face, she continues tearing me a new one. “Because if it’s not, then you need to pull your head out of your ass and start rebuilding your life. Have fun, go back to work.
Love someone new
.” My mouth drops open at the last statement. “What? You think you should be single forever? You think that’s what she’d want?”

“No. It’s not that,” I reply, my voice scratchy.

“Then what?”

I know I need to be honest, and that I came here to Anabel for a reason. “I’m not sure I can be with someone new.”

“Of course, you can. It just needs to be the right person.” Her words have become soft, and my mind jumps to a pretty tanned face, with bright blue eyes and shiny dark hair. I shake my head, trying to rid myself of Laurie’s image.

“I went back to the community center and saw Laurie.” Internally, I junk punch myself. Not sure when my mouth stopped following orders and ran away with itself.

Anabel smirks. “How is she?” she asks, sitting back down next to me.

“I-I don’t know, I walked out,” I admit.

“What? Why?” she questions and I shake my head, not really sure why I do anything anymore. “Are you going back?”

“I’m not sure,” I reply. She opens her mouth to speak, but I get there first. “Listen. I’m not trying to be awkward. I’m just not convinced that those types of groups are any good for me,” I explain.

“Well, can’t you ask her for some one-on-one help?”

I think back to Laurie’s offer, to meet me in the coffee room. Maybe she was going to extend her help to outside of the course, but I didn’t give her the chance.

“I feel like everything I do is a betrayal of Amanda,” I say the words on an exhale, it’s a release, finally saying the truth out loud.

“Why would you ever think that?” Anabel asks, leaning forward and taking my hand.

“Because I’m alive and she’s not. Because I get to carry on. Because I told her, I’d only ever love her,” I say the last part and my shoulders sag.

“Hey…” Anabel nudges my arm and I look back to her, “…you said that to her and what did she say back?” My body stills at her question and I turn my head away. “Tell me,” she demands.

Growling, I reply, “She said I was a douche.” Anabel snorts with laughter. “She said that I have a lot of love to give. That I proved myself to be an amazing boyfriend. She said—”

“What?” Anabel encourages.

“She said I need to be a father someday. That I’d be awesome at it, but that I had to be one hundred percent in love with the woman who was to carry my children. Because it was only fair that every child should have the best start possible. Being in love with their mom was a must. Amanda said I’d had a couple of months with her, the fact that she was…” I swallow back the boulder edging its way up my throat, “…the fact that she was dying made me feel more. For the record, I don’t see how that’s fucking possible.”

“What else?” Anabel asks and I wonder how the fuck she knows that more was said.

“She told me that I should love again. Find someone special, and love her like I’d never loved anyone. Not even her. Amanda said she taught me how to love, and she’d always be proud of being able to give that to me. But now… it was my time to go find a woman who was everything I need.” I stop talking and glance to the stars. “It’s all fucking female bullshit anyway.”

Anabel stands up. “I’m going to bed. The kids, plus being pregnant make me sleepy.”

I nod but say nothing else. Unsure what to say, since the conversation has changed so dramatically with no warning.

She starts to walk away then stops. “For what it’s worth, Ruben. Female bullshit or not, I agree with her. I did then, and now she’s gone… I still agree. You just need to let everything go. She’s gone, but she was always wise. What she said, those were words from her heart. She said them because once she was gone she wanted you to be free. Allow yourself to be free. If you need answers, do what I do. Talk to the stars, ask her for the rain.” She smiles at me before walking away.

It’s been years since I’ve spoken to the stars, and I’m not about to start now. I just sit and stare at nothing, wanting to think about Amanda. But the images in my mind keep changing back and forth from her to Laurie. It’s not what I want. I don’t want to forget Amanda. Shaking my head, I stand and turn to face the house. Everything’s in darkness now, except one outside light. As I walk back, I feel the first few drops of rain and it feels like burning against my skin.