Whatever the Cost (41 page)

Clay is waiting for them inside at a booth, hunched over a cup of coffee and scanning the menu. He grins when he sees Liam and Valery, standing to welcome them.

“Hey. You’re a sight for sore eyes,” Clay beams, drawing Liam into a bear hug. “How are ya, kid? You look good.”

“I am good.”

Clay puts more space between them, holding Liam’s face in his hands to look the new piercing over. He clucks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and shakes his head. “As if you needed more of a shine to that pretty-boy face.”

Liam laughs. Clay shakes hands with Valery and ushers them into the booth.

“So, I guess you’re wondering why I called you all here today,” Liam says formally.

“I am actually. But for Christ’s sake, Pidge, lemme finish my coffee first. You’ve got that heavy look and I need some fuel before we get into any shit.”

“No shit, I promise.”

Liam and Valery look over the menus. Clay catches Valery’s eye while Liam bites at the pad of his thumb and frowns at the listing of omelets. Valery shrugs at Clay’s questioning glance, with no more clue than he has of what this is about.

“Does the husband still wanna kick my ass?”

“Hmm. I don’t know, actually,” Liam admits. “We haven’t talked a whole lot about that night, period. I think Jacen’s afraid of scaring me off or upsetting me if he brings it up and
I
haven’t brought it up.”

“Why not?”

He shrugs and says shortly. “Trying to look forward, not backward.”

“Mm. I hear that.”

They order their food and more coffee.

“You can’t see the bruises anymore. I’m glad,” Clay says with an apologetic tone.

Liam glances up at him from across the table and holds his stare.

“I’m real damn sorry about that,” Clay tells him softly.

“Stop it,” Liam grunts.

“No, I mean it.”

“I know.”

“So, you’re good?”

“I’m good,” Liam agrees.

“What does that mean?”

“It means no more running away. No more confusing the past with the present. It means being a fucking man and dealing with my issues.”

Clay nods approvingly.

Their coffee comes. Valery watches Liam repeatedly run the tip of his thumb over the smooth gloss covering his polished fingernail, getting lost in thought.

He starts to talk quietly, without focusing on anything, like he’s channeling something from deep down, buried far underneath layers and layers. “Val, you’ve got your whole history of counseling and helping people, right? You’ve been doing that for a while.”

“Yeah,” she nods.

“And Clay, you’ve been active in the community around here. That’s the reason you became a cop, isn’t it? To give back and make a positive impact rather than a negative one?’’

“What’s this about, man?”

“I want to give back too. I want to help someone. At least one person. If I can do even that much, I feel like all of this will be worth it. Everything I’ve done for so long has just been selfish and... dark. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of who I see. And I like that now when I do look in the mirror, I see Jacen’s spouse, but I want more. It’s not enough. I need your help, both of you. I can’t do this without either of you. Will you help me? Please?”

Clay smiles first. Valery catches it and adds her own. A silent agreement is made. They’re both invested as of that moment, without even hearing Liam’s idea. Turning to him, they ask, “What do you have in mind?”

The next day, sitting in the truck, parked in the lot across from Barbara’s Bistro, Liam taps his foot and stares at the clock, watching time tick by whether he likes it or not. He has a few minutes left to kill before going across the street, filled with shadows and dark figures, to meet Jacen’s co-workers and employer for the first time. He had dropped Jacen off at work earlier, knowing that this was the plan, for him to come back that night and pick Jacen up. Joe has been asking to meet Liam and Jacen had finally caved, agreeing to have Liam come by for the formal, long-awaited introductions.

But after months of solitude, with only Yasha, Valery and Clay for regular company, other than Jacen, Liam’s nerves automatically crank up at the prospect of broadening his little circle. He might have been even more panicked than he is, though, if not for the little meeting the day before with Valery and Clay at the diner. It had boosted Liam’s spirits and given him confidence unlike any he’d ever experienced before. Anything seems possible, if only he would want it badly enough. And now, Liam is finally becoming able to zero in on what that is, to a precise degree.

His plans spin out in his mind, unwinding like glistening ribbons of hope stretching out in all directions, turning everything that might otherwise be dark and ominous, golden and enlightening. There is so much he wants to accomplish, and it feels not only feasible, with Valery and Clay’s help, but destined to be.

Smiling to himself, Liam basks in his newfound confidence and joy. It radiates out from him, changing his posture, his appearance, his energy. The goals he has set for himself are big, and they threaten to outshine everything else in his universe. But they don’t. There are still other things there, hovering in orbit. Some are also good things. Some aren’t.

One of them, one difficult to classify, is Leah. The nightmare that Liam suffered the day of the move, after running away from Jacen and their life and then offering himself up as Clay’s punching bag, has not faded or receded. It’s as stark and haunting as it was when he first woke with Valery by his side. He’s become much more able to analyze it, what caused it, what it means, but there are still aspects that have implications for his future, coloring his decisions and influencing his mindset. Leah is a big piece of the unsolved puzzle that is Liam’s psyche. The specter of Timothy tore down most of Liam’s personalities, without bias, with the one exception of Leah. The hate and judgment that was there when Leah died at Timothy’s hands disturbs Liam on a base level.

It’s like one of the foundations of who Liam is has been knocked askew and until he’s able to shore the critical pillar, everything that defines his soul is in danger of tumbling down. Even now, sitting behind the wheel of the truck, with pedestrians milling about feet away, the world carrying on as if nothing is wrong, Liam can feel the cracks. The temptation to worry at them, to pick at the edges is nearly overpowering. He could do it. He could fixate his attention on the weak spots and that damaged support would buckle. If he imagined with all his strength the idea of Jacen facing Leah as Timothy did, and having the same reaction—pure disgust—that would do it. It would break him beyond the ability to recover. Horribly, the idea of that has its appeal. The abyss beyond it feels welcoming and blissfully absolute. No more worry, no more fear or pain.

Leah is everything vulnerable in Liam. It’s not an issue of male versus female, or of choosing one or the other. Not really. The appeal of being her, a woman, is that it lets Liam be everything he’s afraid to be otherwise—utterly submissive, spectacularly delicate. She has a sort of power over Liam that nothing else in creation does. Even the thought of her, of being her, just for a little while, sends gut-deep shivers racing through his body, pebbling his skin, stirring his cock. He wants to let Leah live again. He needs it for his own survival. If he could restore her, bring her back from the un-life that has trapped her since the nightmare, he would be whole again. The parts of his personality that she brings out could meld with the rest. Leah would cease to be distinct, vulnerable to attack. Liam could own his full self, and, just like that, he would be free.

Hot and cold, aroused and focused, a portrait in contradictions, Liam gets out of the truck. He locks the doors and pushes the keys into his pockets. Straightening his tie, running a hand back over his slicked-back hair, tugging at the hem of his suit jacket, he lets all his cares fall away and prepares to step forward into whatever the future holds.

The night is particularly cool. He can feel the bite of the air even through layers of clothes, enough that he is troubled with a dull sort of concern for the women he passes, dressed in micro-minis and sleeveless blouses made of sheer silk. But that only stirs more thoughts of Leah so he pushes the distractions away.

The bistro is empty, but the lights are on. When he tries the door, it’s locked, so he knocks gently on the glass and smiles at the young woman who jogs over to let him in.

“Liam?”

“Yep. You must be Lily.”

He extends a hand. She’s adorable with a chestnut brown pixie cut and warm eyes. Everything about her sings of youthful exuberance and positivity. Liam likes her instantly.

Lily blushes and bites self-consciously at her lower lip. It seems foreign to her spirit, the sudden shyness. “Yeah, it’s so nice to finally meet you.” She takes his hand, letting him fold her much-smaller fingers up in his palm as they shake. “You’re not quite what I pictured.”

His smile grows as he chuckles, letting her hand go after a pause. His voice deepening subtly he asks with a conspiratorial edge, “And how, exactly, did you picture me?”

Lily giggles and she nervously pushes back a lock of hair. “Um....”

All of the particulars of Liam’s appearance catch her attention—the diamond-like piercing on his cheekbone, his eyes outlined with a smoky charcoal grey pencil, his full lips, the broad span of his shoulders in his tailored, dark grey suit, the line of his matching grey silk tie running down the center of his body. He sees her looking at him while simultaneously trying not to look at him, at least noticeably.

“J-Jacen is back this way. I can, uh, show you.” Flustered, she flashes him a huge grin that tries to wordlessly apologize for her skittish behavior. As she turns away, toward their destination, he sees her roll her eyes at herself and cringe. He tries to mask his amusement at her discomfort, knowing it for what it is—the very thing he’s learned to stir in people since he was a teenager: desire, lust, attraction.

And even under current circumstances, it makes him proud to have succeeded in luring her in.

Maybe he dressed up because he wanted to impress them. More likely it was a blatant attempt to boost his own ego by playing the part of someone who has no problem being confident. But it’s different than it used to be. He doesn’t feel like he’s being a character. He simply feels like he’s willing himself to express the part of his own self that is confident and assured. And that distinction is a huge success already.

They pass the bar, behind which is, at the far end, an older man with a neat brown and grey beard and knowing eyes, as warm as those of his daughter. He’s hunched over, studying receipts.

“Dad, this is Liam,” Lily tells him with an endearing little curtsy. “Jacen’s Liam.”

“The old man,” Joe says with interest, setting the slips of paper aside. “Well, I’ll be. Jacen! Company for you!”

The choice of wording jolts Liam faintly, but then it passes when, a moment later, Jacen emerges through the door leading back to the kitchen, wiping his hands on a towel. “Oh. Hey, you’re here! So, introductions. Lily, Joe, this is Liam,” Jacen says, gesturing to each of them, but Liam is momentarily distracted by the particular look in Jacen’s eyes. “Everyone else took off as soon as we closed.”

“But we’re the only ones that count anyway,” Joe winks. He extends a hand and shakes with Liam. “Nice to meet you, Liam. I don’t know. With Jacen being such an enormous pretty boy I expected you to be the yin to his yang, but look at’cha. Another enormous pretty boy.”

Liam laughs. “Well, thank you, I guess. This is a nice place you’ve got here. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to stop by, but I have to thank you personally for giving Jacen the opportunity that you did.”

Joe waves a hand to dismiss this. “Nonsense. We’re lucky to have him. Never had an employee work so damn hard before,” he says with a pointed look at his daughter. “Yes, that includes you, princess.”

“Dad,” Lily groans.

“I know from what little Jacen has told me,” Joe adds with a more serious tone. “That you two don’t have much of a support system, and that you’re trying to put some rough times behind you. I don’t know any of the specifics, now, but I wanted to tell both of you to your faces that if there’s anything we can do to put your minds at ease or lend a helping hand, we’d be more than happy to do so.”

The offer affects Liam noticeably. He has trouble finding his voice at first before replying, “Thank you, Joe; that means a lot.”

“Jacen’s a good guy, and if you’re anything like him, which I think you are, then that’s really the least I can do. Now how about a tour?”

“That sounds great,” Liam smiles.