Whatever the Cost (25 page)

“I’m glad you didn’t leave us behind,” Yasha says tenderly, marveling at how far Jacen has come from the damaged, jaded kid he used to be. That he cares enough to want to hold on to their friendship even after he’s fled speaks volumes. Once upon a time, Jacen was able to walk away from his entire family, dissolving all ties to them, but for some reason, he wants to retain his friendship with Yasha. He doesn’t want to lose everything again. And that’s remarkable progress.

“I love you, Jacen. Do you know what it would have done to me, to find you’d gone missing and just vanished? To never see or hear from you again? You don’t, do you?” Closing a hand over Jacen’s forearm, Yasha tells him, “I really am sorry for hurting you. I didn’t think before I spoke, and I should have. I, um, reacted emotionally rather than with consideration or forethought and that wasn’t fair to you, or to Liam. Please don’t shut me out, TJ. Your friendship means too much to me to lose it like this.”

The use of the old nickname, one from Jacen’s childhood, hits him sharply. Squeezing his eyes closed, he doesn’t pull away when Yasha hugs him. After a moment, Jacen hugs him back.

By the time they get back to the table, their food is being laid out by the waitress. Jacen follows behind Yasha, whose gaze is locked on Liam rather than his wife’s disapproving glare.

“Liam, I’m sorry for the things I said,” Yasha professes. “Both you and Jacen deserve better than that from someone who’s supposed to be a supportive friend. Congratulations on your union. I wish you both a long lifetime filled with happiness together. It’s just a shame you don’t have more people to celebrate with.”

“You don’t have to pretend you approve,” Jacen mutters, sitting down. Liam reaches across the table, taking Jacen’s hand, brushing the back of it with the pad of his thumb and holding his gaze with a look of loving concern.

“What
I
think is irrelevant. If this is what you want, if this is the life you want, then I support it one hundred percent.” Yasha unfolds his napkin and asks, “Are you two at all curious about what’s happening in L.A.? The chaos you caused?”

“We caused chaos?”

“I touched base with Ryan and David,” Yasha explains. “Just out of general curiosity as to why William hasn’t returned my calls regarding some information I needed for someone I’ve been treating. They have no idea what happened to you two. No leads, from what anyone can tell. The talk is, the higher ups were furious but now that they can’t find you, they are refocusing on keeping the clients happy and bulking up staff as quickly as possible. They’ve decided it’s a waste of resources to continue searching for you.”

Liam and Jacen share a queasy look. “Great. So some poor, naïve kids get to take our places.”

“There’s always a poor kid or five waiting in the wings. You can’t save everyone,” Yasha tells him. “Luckily The Company treats its employees fairly well for the business they’re in. Considering.”

“Yeah,” Liam groans morosely.

“What are you two going to do next? Travel?” Valery asks.

“Find somewhere to live,” Jacen says. “Get a real job.”

“Make a home,” she smiles fondly. “With a shitty job and some shitty kids.”

“Exactly,” Jacen smiles back. “My dream come true.” At Liam’s questioning cock-eyed glance, Jacen tells him, “I’ll explain later. It’s... a thing.”

“If you say so,” he says with confusion.

“You really do seem content, Jace,” she says. “I think it’s incredible. And I think Liam is incredible if this is the direction things are going for you. Is there anything at all that we can do to help?”

“Keep an eye out and an ear to the ground. Most of all, don’t let on that you know where we are. And stay in touch.”

“No problem,” she nods with a grin.

After an afternoon spent driving around aimlessly, scouting out available houses, townhouses, condos and even apartment buildings, leaving nothing off the table and sure they’ll know where they’re meant to live when they see it, Jacen and Liam have a wonderfully mundane evening at the motel. Jacen makes do cooking a supper of gourmet burgers and fresh salad in their room, using a tiny plug-in grill and a plethora of veggies from a farmer’s market nearby. Liam can’t stop smiling the entire time, watching Jacen crouch on the sidewalk outside their door, hunching over the ridiculously small grill and poking at the burgers with a plastic fork. Liam helps with preparing the produce, but once he starts chopping things that needn’t be chopped, Jacen steers him back to their collection of newspapers, placing a highlighter in his hand and patting his head.

The food is delicious. Liam sees Jacen’s cooking skills as miraculous or magical, and tells him that he should consider using them to find a job. The suggestion surprises Jacen with how very intrigued he is by it. He falls silent, thinking it through, trying to figure out how it could work, given he has no formal training or experience.

Once everything is cleaned up and stowed away, the pair finds themselves sitting side-by-side on the couch, their fingers tangled loosely together on the cushion between them. In front of them, the TV is on but muted.

“I wish it had gone differently today,” Liam says. “I wish he’d just been happy for you.”

“I know. Me too.”

“But I get it. I mean, who am I? Some whore you moved in with a few months ago, who’s been oblivious to exactly how amazing you are until very, very recently, and after I abscond you away, I talk you into getting hitched in a shotgun wedding that’s completely ludicrous.”

Jacen processes this, pauses, opens his mouth to speak, shuts it, and then a wide smile blooms on his face. “We’re married.”

“Jesus,” Liam sighs, but laughs. “That’s all you took from that, huh?”

“There was more? I mean, I did hear something about me being amazing. Tell me more about that.”

Liam swats Jacen’s leg.

“It’s good that he’s protective of you like that—Yasha. Makes me like him more. And Valery. She’s great.”

“Yeah,” Jacen smiles fondly.

Neither of them speaks for a long while. The wind whistles and blows outside as a storm rolls in. It’s entrancing and soothing in a profound way. Rain patters against the windows, then teems. Tap-tap-tapping one minute, beating against the roof and walls the next.

“Tell me about him?” Jacen asks hesitantly, only looking over at Liam after he gets the question out. “Timothy? What was he like?”

“He was... huh. I... wow. I guess I’m just realizing that I never had to classify him before. The only people that knew of him, knew him personally, so I never had to, like, introduce him to anyone. And I’ve never, you know, spoken of him since.”

“You don’t have to. I’m just interested. He means so much to you, so you should be able to talk about him. He lights you up. It’s kind of beautiful.”

Liam looks over at Jacen, holding his gaze, searching his face and Jacen has a moment of pure undiluted happiness that he has this, this closeness with Liam. “Show me the wallet again.”

Liam debates it a second, then relents and slips it out, handing it over. Jacen opens it to the tattered photo of Liam’s first, true love.

“He always had these wild ideas, you know,” Liam starts. “‘Liam, I’ve got this great idea,’ he’d say, almost falling over himself he was so excited to tell me about it and get started on whatever it was.”

“He called you Liam?”

“Yeah, sometimes. Usually when it was all of us together. When it was just him and me, alone, he called me by my first name.”

“Avery?”

“Yeah. That’s why I changed it. I’m not that guy anymore. Avery is dead. Just like Tim.”

The absence of emotion in those cruel words hurts Jacen. He takes a moment to mourn those lost young boys, taking on the whole world all by themselves and suffering for it. For what might be the first time, his childhood doesn’t seem so bad. At least he had parents, shelter, food.

Liam’s hand slips over Jacen’s long leg, brushing absent-mindedly over the fabric encasing it. “He was a good kid,” he says softly. “Tried as hard as he could to do what his heart told him to do, without apology. He just...” Liam sighs thickly. “He didn’t think stuff out like he should have and made some really bad calls. But what do you expect? He was a teenager with no guidance, no parents or guardians whoopin’ his ass to get him to toe the line. He thought he was invincible. And he wasn’t. So he wasted away right before my eyes until he was a shell of himself, hollow, empty and grey. And then one day he closed his eyes and just never opened ’em again. You know, I never had any fanciful notions of what the world is like. I had a hard-ass upbringing. But I never really got it until then. The truth is that sometimes nightmares come true and there’s no way out. You have no choice but to survive and keep getting out of bed in the morning.”

“Lee, I’m so damn sorry,” Jacen says urgently.

“No, it’s okay. It is. Because I can finally say that I did what he’s been whispering in my ear to do for
years
. I stopped wallowing like a coward and now I have a chance to really act on that vibrant spirit that drove him. Maybe there’s a reason for all of it. Maybe I can do something good for the people trapped in this world before I leave it. And I feel so guilty for being as happy as I am. For years I tried to figure out why it had to be him, and not me. But I’ll never know why, and maybe that’s all right. I’m really happy, Jace. And that’s all you.”

Jacen places the wallet back in Liam’s hand and kisses his cheek. “You love me.”

“I do love you,” Liam agrees solemnly. “Can I ask you something? Since we’re in a pensive sort of mood anyway.”

“Sure. Go for it.”

“Do you always hate it? Receiving? And I feel like shit for not asking you sooner, but I’m asking now. Please be honest with me,” Liam asks.

“Not anymore,” Jacen says with almost peaceful calmness. “I learned to like it. It can feel so good to trust someone that much and give that much pleasure to the other person. Makes me feel kind of powerful. It’s all in how you look at it.”

“Yasha taught you that.”

Jacen pauses, staring out at a point in mid-air. “Yeah,” he says slowly. “But it’s totally different with you. You’re the first person I’ve been with that makes me feel so completely safe and cared for. With you, I can tell that you want me like that because it’s
me
, and it’s not just about the sex. I like that. Even with Yasha, there was still a sense of duty behind it.”

Quiet falls for a long moment and then Liam turns suddenly, catching Jacen’s mouth in a slow, searching kiss.

When they break, Liam seems anguished. “After all you went through, you have this strength inside of you that I just don’t. It’s incredible. I wish I was strong like you. I wish I could stop being afraid. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of anymore.”

“Hey,” Jacen urges. “You’ll be ready when you’re ready. I understand why you’re tired of giving away pieces of yourself to others. If you need time to heal some more before you’re comfortable letting go, then that’s okay. It’s okay to need to be in control of something.”

“I just don’t know why I can’t just....” Liam exhales sharply, frustrated. “Just relax and let you—”

“
I
do. I know why. You were forced to be okay with it the first time you submitted to me. That leaves scars. I know all about shit like that. And I have no expectations of you getting over that really fast. I have news for you, Lee, I’m not going anywhere. If it takes ten years I’ll still be right beside you, waiting for you, and cherishing every second I have with you and every kiss you give me and every time you make love to me.”

“You want me like that, though, don’t you?” Liam asks like he already knows the answer.

“It’s just how I am,” Jacen admits. “I’ve always enjoyed dominating and being the giver. There’s less baggage for me that way, and it’s just a preference, just like you’ve got a similar preference. Doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy other things, too.”

Liam glances away, hiding his expression from Jacen.

“What? What’d I say?”

“That’s not my preference,” he says in barely a whisper. It’s mumbled and low, embarrassed.

“Oh. God, I should have realized. That’s why it’s hard for you,” Jacen realizes, looking more closely at Liam. “You’re a bottom.”

“I—” Liam starts. His mouth works soundlessly for a few moments, then closes again.

Jacen sits up straighter, staring at Liam with growing heat behind his eyes, remembering their few passionate moments together, looking at them in a whole new way. Feeling the weight and sharpness of Jacen’s gaze upon him, Liam tries to will himself invisible. “I have a mental block, okay? When I think about you, the way you were that night with Claudia, how you looked at me, like every filthy thing you wanted to do to me was about to happen simply because you wanted it to, and you
knew
you could seduce me into it, and maybe also knew I’d have to let you because it was my job to let you.... You have no idea how much I want to be okay with that, but then I just can’t seem to pretend to be anything but myself, no matter how hard I try and—”

Liam is pressed back lengthwise on the couch, his head pillowed by the armrest as Jacen surges down on top of him, trapping him as he catches Liam’s mouth in a dirty, hungry kiss. Liam swallows a groan and feels his heart leap into his chest when Jacen roughly pulls Liam’s outer leg up around Jacen’s lower back, hooking it there, opening him up. Then Jacen rubs in a greedy push up the underside of Liam’s leg, up his thigh all the way to his ass, palming it as they kiss.