What You Really Really Want (20 page)

That question starts with you: Before you hook up with someone, do a gut check. How are you going to feel about this before, during, and after it happens? What if you never see this person again, or see them with someone else tomorrow? Would that really be cool with you? If it might feel bad, how bad would it feel? Is that a risk you're willing to take?

Here's the most popular argument against “friends with benefits” (FWB) arrangements: They don't last. Someone starts feeling romantically attached, and then it all goes to hell.

That's possible. It certainly happens in some FWB arrangements, though I don't know what percentage because I've never seen a study of it. But let's assume we can even say this happens in most FWB arrangements. My reply would still be the same: Some romantic relationships go to hell at one point or another, too. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's a fact. In the United States, approximately 43 percent of first marriages end in divorce,
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and that's counting only the people who made it far enough in the relationship to decide to give marriage a go. So to single FWB relationships out as emotionally risky in some special way is unreasonable. All relationships are emotionally risky in one way or another.

The truth is, there are any number of good reasons to acquire a friend with whom you also share sexual “benefits.” Maybe you're at a critical moment in your education or career and don't have the time and energy required to sustain a deep romantic involvement, but you don't want to be celibate, either. Maybe you met someone and have decided they're not a long-term match for you, but you're still really attracted to them and like them as a person. Maybe you're not ready for a deep relationship because you're still healing from one emotional wound or another. Maybe you want a committed relationship but haven't found the right person yet and want some companionship while you continue looking. It hardly matters why. What matters is that it works for you and that your FWB partner is on board with the arrangement as well, like in the case of Bobbie, age forty-nine:

What's more, when they work, FWB relationships have several practical advantages over onetime hookups. Because you're having sex with the same person over and over, you're bound to become better lovers for each other. Plus, it's often easier to negotiate safe sex and prevent STDs when you're with
the same person over time. And let's not forget the friendship part: Whether you started as friends and then introduced benefits or developed a real friendship through postplay pillow talk, the emotional intimacy of a real friend with benefits can be comforting and satisfying. I've cried in front of FWB partners, gotten great career advice from them, taken them to fancy-dress parties when I needed a date, snuggled all night with them when I needed comfort, and celebrated big moments together—none of which I'd do with a random hookup.

The only reasons to steer clear of FWB relationships are if you're not comfortable with them in general or if one of you actually wants something more.

This isn't a book about love or relationships, but it's impossible to talk about the fullness of sexual intimacy without talking about emotional intimacy, too. And when we talk about emotional intimacy, we have to talk about heartbreak.

There's no way around it: Heartbreak sucks. If it didn't, we wouldn't have named it a word that suggests that the most crucial organ in your body is failing. The pain can be that intense. And there's nothing I can say to make that pain go away. But there are a few things I've learned that can help ease it a little:

Sure, that means lie on the couch and eat ice cream and watch your favorite show on DVD for days on end, or whatever your version of that is. But think about that when it comes to your sexuality, too: Don't expect too much too soon. Maybe you feel regret or pain about what you did or didn't do with your partner sexually. Maybe you just have to grieve the loss of a trusted partner you shared that part of yourself with. Give it time. As tempting as it may seem to “get right back on the horse” (ahem), make sure you're checking in with yourself to make sure it's what you really really want before you put yourself out there again sexually. Otherwise, you'll just wind up feeling worse than when you started. Which brings me to:

What terrible advice, right? I mean, who wants to feel these awful feelings? Isn't it better to shove them down into some dark internal corner and pretend you're Just Fine, Damnit? Well, your mileage may vary, but I say no. In my experience, the best way to get through painful feelings is to feel them. When you shove them aside, they fester and rot and infect other parts of your life, and eventually come back up again much worse than they would have been the first time around. Instead, allow yourself
to feel however you feel. If you feel broken, feel broken. If you feel angry, feel angry. If you feel desperately sad, feel desperately sad. If you feel secretly relieved, feel secretly relieved. Don't judge your feelings or try to change them. Just feel them. And don't worry—they may feel like they'll be around forever, like this is the new permanent state of affairs for you emotionally, but it's not true. Every feeling passes and changes and evolves. The good ones do—no feeling of glee or joy or satisfaction lasts forever without interruption. And so do the bad ones. All feelings change over time. Let them do their thing. We'll talk about working with your feelings more in chapter 6, but if you need help surviving them, please also lean on friends and family, get mental health care if you can, and check out Kate Bornstein's book
Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks and Other Outlaws
—a very accepting and creative resource for dealing with painful feelings of all kinds.

Every one of my heartbreaks has had something to teach me. Some of them have taught me about the dangers of allowing myself to see only the good parts of my beloved's behavior. Some of them have taught me not to compromise too much of myself in a relationship, and some of them have taught me that it's equally damaging to refuse to compromise at all. Some of them have taught me that two good people can love and even like each other and not be a good match for a long-term partnership.

It's natural to want to make meaning out of pain. To imagine we're suffering for no reason at all makes it feel worse. But there's a difference between looking for useful lessons from
heartbreak and creating more of that generalized fear we discussed in chapter 4.

Consider the compromise issue. In some of my early adult relationships, I compromised myself almost absolutely, because I have a generalized fear of being abandoned and I thought if I always pleased my partners, they would never leave me. Turns out, that approach doesn't actually prevent anyone from leaving—and even if it did, it makes for a miserable relationship and a miserable life. But when I finally figured that out, I created from it a generalized fear of compromising with my partner. Guess what? Being an unyielding narcissist doesn't make for happy relationships or a happy life, either.

So take what you can from your experiences with heartbreak, yes. But be careful not to take too much, or you'll wind up letting it define you. Don't create new generalized fears that make it hard to hear your intuition—and hard to find the love you want and deserve.

In all of these choices, keep in mind that your decisions don't have to be all or nothing. You can choose to be sexual in different ways with different people at different times in your life, or in different situations. You may want committed monogamy now because it feels right with your current partner, but then choose to pursue casual sex if you break up, then later enter into a polyamorous arrangement because that feels right to explore at the time. The point is, your desires about sex and relationships may be fluid, and it's okay to mix it up, as long as you're expressing your authentic desires.

You may also try out new styles of sexual connection and discover they don't feel right to you—and that's okay. As long as everyone is being safe and respectful, it's not the end of the world to take a risk and have it not work out. (More on this in chapter 7.) The point is to know what your options are and how to make the best decisions for yourself in the moment.