What You Become (4 page)

Ti lifted her head. ‘No, Rosie . . .’

‘I’ll say we were messing about, that we didn’t even know it was her house . . .’

‘But I was the one that—’

‘You shouldn’t have to take all the blame,’ I said, because it was the truth, and I wanted to be strong like she was. Wind blew the still leafless branches of the trees at the edge of the park, and the cloud overhead was suffocating, but as Ti wrapped her arms round me, and I breathed in the pina colada smell of her shampoo, I swore I would do anything to make her feel better.

Seven

By Registration news had spread about Ti’s expulsion, and Charlie Fielding was enjoying herself.

‘Why don’t you leave with her?’ she said, sliding into Ti’s empty seat beside me. ‘Nobody would miss you, you know.’

The rest of our form listened intrigued as Charlie told how Ti had threatened Chase with a knife, and how Ms Chase was getting an injunction against her.

‘That isn’t what happened,’ I said, but my cheeks were on fire, and nobody wanted to hear my version of events when Charlie’s was so much more thrilling. I couldn’t make my voice heard over the excitable gaggle, and embarrassed I gave up.

‘I know the
whole
story,’ Charlie explained. ‘Because Ms Chase told Will.’

Charlie’s brother Will was a sixth-former now, and no longer allowed to star in the school play, so Chase had made him director. Will took the role disproportionately seriously, carrying a
Grease
-themed clipboard, and smoothing his golden hair into a fifties T-Bird quiff every day.

He had the same very defined cupid’s bow mouth as Charlie, and most of the girls at school had at least a vague crush on him.

‘So how was it being married to a stalker?’ Alex asked, turning to me in a way that made it clear he expected an answer. Charlie had left Ti’s seat now, and was at the front of the class, leaning on Alex, eyes gleaming as she waited for my response.

‘You should know,’ I said, because Charlie had been chasing Alex since Year Seven, and hadn’t got a look in until Ophelia was out of the way. Charlie looked down, muttering obscenities, and Alex put his arm round her. I could feel my concealer bubbling like lava, but it felt good to hit back. Especially when I saw Kiaru and Alisha covering their mouths as they laughed.

Ophelia was still a sore point. Last week there had been a row because Will had taken to wearing Alex’s leather jacket from the costume department around school. Alex had had a go at him about it, and then Charlie got upset because she thought the argument was really about Ophelia. She accused Alex of resenting her brother for stealing Ophelia from him, even though Ophelia and Alex had never been anything more than friends. That was the strange thing about the Drama lot, you heard all their news, whether you cared or not.

‘Blooooooom,’ Alex breathed, in the specific way he had developed, and Charlie laughed, clutching his arm, but I could see her desperation. I went over and over what I would say to Kes, how I’d clear Ti’s name, and stop the rumours, and it was a relief for us all when Mr Miles arrived to call the register.

Eight

‘Enter,’ Kes called almost immediately after I knocked at lunchtime break. We called him Kes because he hovered over everything like a bird of prey. And because he had a huge nose. Tall and imposing, he liked to walk into lessons without warning.

He sat, writing in a notebook, behind a huge desk covered in curiosities, tribal-looking wood carvings of naked people and a sheep’s skull as well as a small glass dome encasing what looked like a stuffed mole. Ti thought it might be his power animal.

‘What can I do for you . . . ?’ He paused, confirming my suspicion that he didn’t know who I was.

‘Rosie. Rosie Bloom.’

I had put on extra concealer because I sensed a day of heavy blushing, and though my voice was coming out at a duckling’s volume, at least I was here. My toes ached from clenching them so hard, but I hadn’t run. Yet.

‘Ah, yes,
Rosie
.’ He smiled, as if all of the heart-warming moments we had shared were coming back to him, and it was hard to tell whether he really knew who I was or not.

I searched for my opener, but it was gone, evaporated in the impatience of Kes’s stare.

‘So . . . ?’

‘Um, you just expelled my best friend,’ I blurted out.

‘Ah, I see.’ Kes returned the lid to his pen, and sat back in his chair.

‘And I think it might have been unfair,’ I said, and the way he blinked at me, as though surprised, reminded me of my dad – slightly uncomfortable but eager to please – and it made me feel more confident.

‘It just seems like it’s one person’s word against another, and that maybe—’

‘Hold on!’ he said, and he was no longer my dad, he was the headmaster of my school, the person with the power to make me join Ti at The Bridge. He held his index finger out like a warning. ‘Hold it
right there
, Rosie Bloom. Your friend, Titania—’ (He pronounced it like Chase: Tih-tahn-yuh.)

‘Ti—’

‘Yes,
Titania
, has not contributed to the fabric of the school environment for the last three years. She’s been in and out of my office like it was a tuck shop. Good girl, but not academic. Not Fairfields material. I’ve spoken to her teachers, and they are in agreement. The Bridge will be a better fit; they’re less strict there, less demanding. She doesn’t contribute in lessons, she talks constantly, uninvited, and when she does answer a question it’s rarely an appropriate response.’

‘But she didn’t get chance to explain, not properly, and Ms Chase—’

The finger came up again to shush me, and I resented it, but I stopped talking too, because I could hear my voice, and it was shaking and high, and who was going to take me seriously?

‘Miss Bloom,’ he said, ‘are you here looking for trouble?’

He blinked again, and his grey eyes were severe as I took a breath, preparing myself. In five seconds I would confess.

Five.

‘Because your friend Titania, I’m afraid, was. We pride ourselves on allowing our students freedom, but some are not responsive to this. Your friend didn’t take her education seriously. In fact, I have it on good authority that she did not contribute anything very positive to the Fairfields community at all. Ms Chase on the other hand—’

Four.

I rolled my eyes. Here it came.

‘
Ms Chase
has breathed life into our Drama department. She has grown a broken piano, some rusty triangles and the odd maraca into something close to an orchestra. And how do you think these instruments and materials turn up? It’s all a matter of Ms Chase’s tireless campaigning, her resourcefulness and fundraising, her connections.’

Three
.

‘She made eight hundred and thirteen pounds for the Drama department last term. Eight hundred and thirteen pounds! Now
that’s
the way to perform at school.
That’s
the way to contribute.’

Two
.

His eyes had sort of glazed over, and I wondered if he’d forgotten who he was talking to, and why he was making this speech. The finger rose again, and I watched it dance, wanting something to pin my eyes to.

One.

‘I was in the garden with her.’

That’s what I should have said, and maybe I would have if Kes hadn’t said what he did next.

‘Your parents expect more from you, Rosie, and I know for a fact that there’s enough on the family plate at the moment without extra trouble. With a good support system behind you, you could do very well here, if you’d only stop resting on your laurels and apply yourself.’

Kes’s grey eyes burned into mine, and I swallowed. He really did know who I was!

‘You’re a good student, Rosie; we should be expecting As from you. See this as a chance to start over, make new friends. Take a leaf from Ms Chase’s book: set your sights on
exceptional
.’

Nine

I still hadn’t found a way to tell my parents about Ti’s expulsion when Dad ordered me up to Mum’s room on Wednesday evening.

‘
Now,
Rosie,’ he insisted, and my guts tingled.

They knew.

Now I would have to answer thousands of impossible questions like: why did Ti think it was okay to creep around at night, and why did I think it was okay to keep secrets from them, and why wouldn’t I make friends with the well-behaved, hardworking kids who got top marks and kept their parents in the loop? All of which would segue effortlessly into the main problem they had with Ti – the main problem they had with me – which was that we didn’t take schoolwork seriously.

Mum was propped up in bed, and it was stuffy in there in spite of the lavender oil she constantly burned. Her long hair was freshly washed and clipped on top of her head, and her skin looked pale and fresh, making me wish for the millionth time I’d inherited her complexion instead of dad’s.

She patted the space beside her, and reluctantly I sat down. Dad took the armchair in the corner, and I looked from one to the other of them, trying to work out who was less angry.

Mum’s expression was caring, and I resisted the urge to tell all. First lesson of adolescence: wait and see what they know. Ti taught me that.

‘We heard about Titania,’ Mum said. ‘Dad bumped into Soph at the shops.’

‘She called your mum afterwards,’ he said quickly in response to my glare.

‘Why didn’t you tell us, Rose?’ Mum said, and she seemed more hurt than angry, unlike Dad. I focused my attention on her. These days, she was the softer touch.

‘I didn’t want you to worry,’ I said, and Mum spluttered, then shot an accusing look at Dad.

‘I’m not
entirely
useless, you know. You can still come to me.’

I looked at my hands then, because I didn’t want her to see in my face how completely untrue that was.

In the hallway I could hear a very light rustling – Joey listening, no doubt. He was a little ninja. I’d taught him everything he knew.

‘I mean it, Rosie – maybe I am physically useless, but you can still talk to me. I’m still your mum, aren’t I? What’s up?’

I looked at Dad.

‘Don’t check with him!
I’m
telling you, you can talk to me. I
want
you to talk to me.
Please
. I’m begging.’

‘It’s just that you always think so badly of Ti. I didn’t want to give you anything extra.’

‘We don’t think badly of Ti,’ Mum said, and I rubbed my face with exasperation. Why couldn’t she just be honest?

‘Well, you don’t think she’s a good influence, do you?
I do worse in the lessons we’re together . . . I might work harder if I had more academic friends . . .
Don’t deny it now; you’ve said it hundreds of times.’

‘Maybe we have a point . . .’ she conceded.

Dad looked at the carpet. He was impressed by Ti’s non-conformity, and in the past he’d joined me in sticking up for her, but it was clear he wouldn’t today. They had already prepped for the encounter, and I felt left out. Everyone had somebody except for me now.

Rustling again in the corridor, and I hoped Joey
was
listening, that way I could complain to him afterwards without having to join the dots. He thought Ti was the best thing since dinosaur eggs. She was the only person beside him that genuinely thought jellyfish were interesting. The two of them had tank-stared for hours when we had Joey’s birthday at the aquarium.

Under pressure from Mum’s eyes, Dad put on his parenting voice, which was annoying given that I was more of a parent in the household than either of them lately, but I kept hold of my temper because I didn’t want to make anyone feel worse.

‘If we
do
think badly of Ti, it’s only because of the number of stories we hear about her getting into trouble. You’re in Year Ten now; you’ll be sitting your GCSEs next year – it’s time to focus.’

Mum nodded, but her attention was flagging, and Dad glowered at me like let’s hurry this along.

‘You really don’t need to worry,’ I said. ‘I’m going to get my head down and work. I don’t have any friends to distract me now anyway . . .’ I meant this last bit as a joke, but saying it I felt sorry for myself, and it came out petulant.

‘That’s unfair, Rosie!’ Mum said. ‘You
know
we want you to have friends. All we said about Ti was that perhaps you were too close, that perhaps you could have other friends as well. And she isn’t the
most
hardworking girl in the world, you’ve got to admit . . . Sophie said Charlie—’

‘Never listen to anything Sophie Fielding says, Mum! Charlie’s so jealous of Ophelia she can’t even be friends with anyone who talks to her any more.’

Mum tilted her head. ‘I know Sophie’s not exactly the most neutral source at the BBC, but—’

‘See, you’ve listened to her! You can’t listen to her. Anyone but her, Mum, seriously.’

‘Rosie, if you don’t tell us what happens, we have no choice but to get our news from other people.’

‘Just not Sophie Fielding!’

‘She’s only looking out for her daughter, Rosie. Charlie’s had a difficult year . . .’

‘Honestly, Mum, Charlie Fielding does not need protecting. She’s a bully. All that stuff that happened with Ophelia was Charlie winding her up. She was asking for it!’

‘No one is ever “asking” to be physically attacked, Rosie,’ Mum said. ‘The De Furias might think shouting and violence is acceptable, but the Blooms don’t. We think it’s important not to upset each other in this household. “Asking for it.” You mustn’t say that. It makes you sound ignorant. We’ve brought you up better.’

I was so frustrated I leapt from the bed. Forget how tired she was, I was tired too. She was sympathetic to everyone but Ti.

‘Charlie Fielding is a snake, Mum.’

‘
Rosie
—’

‘She is. If you knew her properly, if you
saw
her at school . . .’

‘I know you’ve had your fallings out, but whenever I see her she says how she wishes you could put the past behind you. She’s made mistakes like anyone else. She’s not such a bad kid. She always makes me a cup of tea when I visit – used to visit – and tells me about rehearsals, all that, and she’s
so
good to her mum. You should give her a chance. Especially now Ti’s left.’