What We Keep Is Not Always What Will Stay (17 page)

Everybody in the class is supposed to pick two of their best pieces from last semester to show off at the PTA meeting. I picked my still life and a picture of the Todal asleep, which is the only time he holds still. Jesse picked his self-portrait, which really is good, if depressing, and a picture of his little sister. I wish I could draw faces like that. My people always look as if they were sewn together in somebody’s laboratory. My self-portrait is terrible. There’s something about the eyes that just doesn’t line up.

We hung everything in the cafeteria, which becomes the Multipurpose Room as soon as the tables are stacked and the spaghetti is wiped off the walls. Nobody’s really settled into school yet after winter vacation, so everyone was running around being silly and dancing on the stacks of tables.

“Man, they’re like gerbils,” Jesse said.

“Spoken from your position as Eldest and Wisest,” I said.

“Eldest, maybe.” He shook his head. “Not so wise. Some days I feel like I have it all pegged, you know. All the answers. Then the next day it all looks screwy again. My dad thinks I need to go to church.”

I pointed to a spot on the corkboard for a picture hanger. “Do you?”

“I don’t know.” He punched the hanger in and tugged on it a bit to see if it was tight. “I tried it once, but I couldn’t concentrate. Here, hang up your monster dog.”

I hung the Todal up and straightened him. “To be honest, I’ve never had any big questions answered in church.”

“But you go. You seem really religious.”

“Um. My mom makes me go. And my grandmother would be sad if I didn’t. And I do like it. It’s peaceful. That part might be good.”

“My dad said I just need to hand it all to God. I told him I’d tried and God dropped it.”

I laughed. “Maybe God hasn’t had the right training.”

Jesse punched another hanger in and we hung up my still life. “That’s pretty.”

“Jesse, Felix says there’s a guy who was in Afghanistan in the group he goes to at the VA.”

“Yeah, he told me.”

“I’m not trying to be a psychologist, because I’m not, but I have to wonder if you might figure out more there than in church.”

“That’s what my mom said when my dad got going about God. I’ll think about it.”

I guess he really is, because the next day there was a picture in my locker of the otter on a psychiatrist’s couch. The psychiatrist is a fish.

Jesse really seems happier lately, and I like the idea that I have something to do with that. It would be nice if I didn’t have to act like being his girlfriend is my secret identity. At least there’s a pep rally on Friday, where we can just happen to meet up. Ordinarily I would rather watch grass grow than go to a pep rally, but right now it’s our best option.

15

I’m worried about Jesse. I thought everything was great, but then he met me at the rally and looked like someone who’d stuck his finger in a light socket. “I hate this,” was the first thing he said to me.

“It’s pretty lame,” I agreed.

“People jumping around shrieking like fools.” He looked disgusted.

“Well, that’s what they came here for,” I said. The cheerleaders were building a fire in a metal tub in the middle of the parking lot. When they lit it, it went up with a whoosh and Jesse closed his eyes.

I put my arm around him. “You want to go somewhere else?”

“Yeah.” He nodded with his eyes half closed. “I can’t take this. I’m sorry I’m such a drag.”

I took his hand and we started over to the benches by the cafeteria.

“Is it the fire that bothers you?” I said before I thought about it. I guess I should have known not to ask that, but he’d been fine when we talked about the VA.

He jerked his hand away and glared at me the way he did last fall about the peace sticker. His eyes were wide open now, and he looked like he was actually going to hit me. His fists balled up. “Leave me the fuck alone! Quit trying to take care of me!”

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you are. You think the poor headcase needs babysitting.
Is it the fire that bothers you
?” He made his voice a babyish singsong. “
Come on, Jesse, share your feelings with Mommy
.”

That made me mad. “You’re the one who said you’d think about me when things got crazy. You’re the one who said you’d think about going to the VA group.
I
didn’t say that. You said it. So what do you expect?”

“I expect to be able to decide for myself!” Now Jesse was shouting. Even people by the fire had turned around to look at us. “Don’t play these games with me! I don’t need you! You aren’t my mother and you aren’t my shrink!”

“Well, I don’t want to be either one,” I said. “Will you quit yelling?”

“No! I’m yelling because you don’t listen to me!”

“Everybody’s looking at us!” I hissed.

“Why should I care?”

That was when I burst into tears. Not too mature, but about forty people were staring at us now and Jesse was going off like a rocket, shouting at me. “Because you’re humiliating me,” I said, low enough that he could hear but nobody else could. “I do
not
deserve this.”

He stopped shouting then. I could see his whole body shake, and then just suddenly sag as if when the anger vanished there was nothing else left. He didn’t say anything for a long time.

I scrubbed my fist across my face. Now that he wasn’t shouting, people had quit looking at us. I sniffled.

He put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re right. You don’t deserve this. I’m an evil asshole. I’m sorry.”

“When you get so mad, it scares me,” I said.

“I know. I won’t do that any more. I promise.” Jesse leaned his head against mine so our foreheads were touching. We stood that way for a while, and I could feel him trying to get a grip on himself. Then he straightened up and pulled me to the bench, and sat down with his arm around me.

“There
was
a fire,” he said.

I waited.

“I’m like old Char Man. Still trying to make it come out different.” He laughed, but it wasn’t really a laugh. “Stupid, really.”

I took a chance and said, “What happened?”

I thought for a minute that he wasn’t going to tell me. Then he said, “When I lost this.” He wiggled his fake foot. “There were three of us.” His voice sounded like he was forcing the words out. “I’m the only one that made it. The sergeant was a stand-up guy, not like some. We mattered to him; he took care of us, best he could. When it went down, I got thrown clear. But the Humvee was on fire and I could see him in there, and I couldn’t move. That’s the last I remember, him in that burning Humvee. I guess I woke up in the hospital, but I knew they didn’t make it.”

I don’t know what you say to something like that. Finally, I said, “I’m sorry.” There wasn’t anything else that would make any sense.

Jesse stood up. “Now you know. Let’s get the hell away from those idiots.”

I stood too, and we wandered off until the shadows didn’t flicker anymore. We stretched out in the grass behind the rock wall above the soccer field. The moon was up, almost full, and the noise of the pep rally was just a sound like frogs in the distance.

Jesse let out a long breath. “I’m sorry I was a shit.”

“Quit apologizing.” I’d been upset, but now that he was sorry, I couldn’t help wanting him not to feel so bad. I leaned against his shoulder and he kissed the top of my head. I tipped my face up to his.

In a minute I could feel his hands under my sweater. Part of me really wanted to let him go on, and the other part felt like I was on a seesaw. It was just too much. That’s the part that rolled over and said, “No, don’t.”

“Angie—”

“I’m just not ready for this.” I sat up and wrapped my arms around my knees.

“Goddammit.” He sounded angry, but then I saw he was crying. He scrubbed a hand across his face. “I’m such a freak. No one will ever love me.”

“You aren’t a freak. And I do love you. It’s just going a little too fast.”

“Do you promise me?” His face had that intent look he gets, like someone whose skin is on too tight. “Do you promise me that you love me?”

“Ye-es.” I stumbled over it a little. I’ve never told a boy that before.

“Because I need you to
promise
. You don’t sound like you mean it.”

“You just said you didn’t need me!” I blurted out. I was sorry as soon as I’d said it, but it had hurt my feelings and I wasn’t quite over it.

His face tightened up again. “So now you’re going to hold that against me?”

I stood up. “No. But I need to go home.” I could tell he was getting mad again, although it was my fault this time.

“Running away?”

“I told Ben I’d be back by ten.”

“Fine!” Jesse didn’t stand up. It was clear he wasn’t going to walk me back, so I walked home by myself.

Then I climbed in bed and cried until I went to sleep.

And now I have a real problem, because somebody saw us and told Mom. Actually I expect somebody told somebody who told somebody else, who was overheard by a teacher, who told Mom. She didn’t seem too clear on the details, but she was extremely clear on not liking it. She actually came over to Ben’s tonight and they sat me down together.
Parents Reunite to Save Headstrong Daughter
. Not. They sat on opposite ends of the sofa as if there was an alligator between them.

“Mom. He just leaves drawings in my locker. I’m not eloping with him!” That got me a look that said I’d better watch it.

Ben said, “That’s not fair,” coming to Mom’s defense.

Mom said, “I would prefer you not to make the mistakes I made.” She looked at Ben. “Any of them.”

“I haven’t gotten married once yet!” I snapped, which I knew was going too far.

Mom stood up. “I do not want you hanging around with a boy who’s nineteen. And you can just cool the love notes in the locker, too. This is the end of this discussion.” She went out the front door and I heard her car start up.

“Angela, that was mean,” Ben said.

“Why are you standing up for her?” Now
I
was mad. “She wants to
divorce
you!” I stomped off to my room and slammed the door. And I hate having to lie to Mom and Ben. It makes my stomach feel crawly. If they’d just be reasonable, I wouldn’t have to.

I don’t know how to be around Jesse now. I must be doing something wrong, or this wouldn’t keep happening. I thought maybe Felix would know, so I went to see him and took him some coffee for his coffee pot. He was in the garden. I made him promise not to tell Mom anything.

He didn’t like that. “I’m not so sure about this, Ange.”

“I’ve always talked to you,” I pointed out. “You never told anyone before.” If he was going to be St. Felix, he couldn’t argue with that.

“This might be special circumstances.”

“Fine. Then I won’t talk to you, either.”

He sighed and said, “Well, step into my office.” We went down to the basement and he put his coffee on a shelf. He’d unpacked the nativity we use in the kindergarten room and arranged the Virgin and her baby on the shelf too, beside a glass of lavender sprigs and a candle from the chapel.

I sat on the bottom step. “It’s Jesse.”

“Can I say I’m not surprised?”

“No.”

He fiddled with the lavender and the Virgin, making her a little crown, while I told him what happened at the pep rally. I said, “I don’t know how to
be
with him. I probably have too many opinions, but it’s not fair of him to tell me he needs me and then treat me like that.”

“It’s not fair of him to tell you he needs you,” Felix said.

“Don’t people who love each other need each other?”

He didn’t answer that. He said, “You’re fifteen.”

“That does not mean I’m not capable of loving someone,” I said back.

He turned around and gave me a long look. Then he said, “Oh, shit. I guess it doesn’t.” He looked up at the ceiling. “That was really unfair. You hear me?”

“Who are you talking to?”

“God. Or the angels. Whoever’s in charge of these things.”

“I thought that was Cupid.” I grinned at him, trying to lighten things up.

“Cupid’s a fly-by-night. He’s the one that gives people crushes on their gym teacher. Which would be a better bet for you right now. Listen, you may love him, but Jesse doesn’t have good brakes. Believe me, I know. And you’ve got a
right
to opinions.”

“He’s not always like that,” I said. “He’s really sweet. And when he gets upset, if I let him calm down, then he’s fine.”

“And you want a boyfriend you have to walk on eggshells with?”

“It’s not his fault.”

“How does that make it different?” Felix said.

“
Because
it’s not his fault.” I could see what he meant, but it
does
make it different.