What Was I Thinking: A Memoir (30 page)

For the benefit of those few thousand people who over the years have felt it their duty to save others from me, I have taken the time to pen a general letter of complaint for possible future transgressions. You will be required to cut along the dotted line (possibly devaluing the book), sign and post.

To the chair of the Broadcasting Standards Complaints Authority

Dear Sir/Madam

It is with deep regret and some trepidation that I read in Paul Henry’s nasty little book that he may once again be broadcasting in New Zealand. I wish to register my heartfelt disgust and complain bitterly in advance in the hope that you may in some way be able to stop him from insulting, offending and ridiculing innocent human beings who unknowingly require my help to protect themselves from him.

It should not be relevant that I complain about things that have not yet happened, as I have in the past complained to you about things Paul Henry has done that I have never seen. I have on more than one occasion enthusiastically hunted out replays of Mr Henry’s offensive behaviour with the express purpose of becoming further outraged, and have never been disappointed. The fact that I watch these entirely out of context is also irrelevant. Mr Henry’s

arrogance and intolerance has no place in the media; tolerance of all peoples should be promoted at all times and Mr Henry and his kind should be forced off air.

Freedom of speech should not be used as an excuse for people to say what they think. For many people like myself, whose senses of humour are at best woefully underdeveloped, the thought that some find him humorous is insufferably irritating.

If, as a result of your failure to act on this serious complaint, I am forced once again to be outraged by Mr Henry’s quick-witted observational humour, I will hold you personally responsible and will immediately alert as many of my acquaintances as possible to the need for them to also become outraged.

You must understand I am completely incapable of switching channels or turning anything off, particularly when I find it offensive.

I await your swift response,

(insert name)

(insert address)

A RANDOM HOUSE BOOK published by Random House New Zealand 18 Poland Road, Glenfield, Auckland, New Zealand

For more information about our titles go to www.randomhouse.co.nz

A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand

Random House New Zealand is part of the Random House Group New York London Sydney Auckland Delhi Johannesburg

First published 2011

© 2011 Paul Henry

The moral rights of the author have been asserted

ISBN 978 1 86979 567 2

This book is copyright. Except for the purposes of fair reviewing no part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Cover design: Paul Henry and Carla Sy
Cover photographs: Jane Ussher
Text design: Carla Sy
Printed in New Zealand by Printlink