What to expect when you're expecting (99 page)

Masturbation.
Unless orgasm is off-limits because of a high-risk pregnancy or premature labor, masturbating during pregnancy is perfectly safe—and a great way to release all that tension you’re feeling.

Vibrators or dildos.
As long as your practitioner has okayed vaginal penetration, dildos and vibrators are safe to use during pregnancy; after all, they’re just mechanical versions of the real thing. But be sure anything you introduce into the vagina is clean before you use it, and be careful not to penetrate the vagina too deeply with it.

Breast tenderness.
For some couples, pregnant breasts (full, firm, and possibly larger than life) are favorite toys that can’t get enough play time. But for many, that early pregnancy swelling comes with a high price—painful tenderness—and along with it, a look-but-don’t-touch policy. If your breasts are bringing you more pain than pleasure, make sure your partner gets the memo—and remind him that the tenderness will ease up by the end of the first trimester, at which point he’ll be able to enjoy a hands-on approach.

Changes in vaginal secretions.
Wet isn’t always wild when you’re expecting. Normal vaginal secretions increase during pregnancy and also change in consistency, odor, and taste. If you’ve always been on the dry or narrow side, that extra lubrication may make sex more enjoyable. But sometimes, too much of a good thing can make the vaginal canal so wet and slippery that it actually decreases sensation for both of you—and even makes it more difficult for your partner to keep his erection or
reach orgasm. (A little extra foreplay for him may help him out in that department.) The heavier scent and taste of the secretions may also make oral sex off-putting. Massaging scented oils into the pubic area or the inner thighs (but not the vagina) may help.

Some expectant moms experience vaginal dryness during sex, even with all those extra secretions. Unscented water-based lubricants, such as K-Y or Astroglide, are safe to use as needed when you’re having a dry spell.

Bleeding caused by the sensitivity of the cervix.
The mouth of the uterus also becomes engorged during pregnancy—crisscrossed with many additional blood vessels to accommodate increased blood flow—and is much softer than before pregnancy. This means that deep penetration can occasionally cause spotting, particularly late in pregnancy when the cervix begins to ripen for delivery (but also at any time during pregnancy). This type of bleeding is usually nothing to be concerned about, though do mention it to your practitioner for extra reassurance.

There are also plenty of psychological hang-ups that can get between you, your partner, and full sexual enjoyment during pregnancy. These, too, can often be minimized.

Fear of hurting the fetus or causing a miscarriage.
Stop worrying and start enjoying. In normal pregnancies, sex isn’t harmful. Your baby is well cushioned and protected inside the amniotic sac and uterus, and your uterus is securely sealed off from the outside world by a mucous plug in the mouth of your cervix. Your practitioner will let you know if there’s a reason why you shouldn’t have sex during your pregnancy. Otherwise, go for it.

Fear that having an orgasm will stimulate miscarriage or early labor.
Athough the uterus does contract following orgasm—and these contractions can be quite powerful in some women, lasting as long as half an hour after intercourse—such contractions are not a sign of labor and aren’t harmful in a normal pregnancy. Again, if there’s a reason why you should avoid orgasm while you’re expecting (because you’re at high risk for miscarriage or preterm labor, or have a placenta problem, for instance), your practitioner will let you know.

Fear that the fetus is “watching” or “aware.”
Not possible. Though your baby may enjoy the gentle rocking of uterine contractions during orgasm, he or she can’t see what you’re doing, has no clue what’s happening, and will certainly have no memory of it. Fetal reactions (slowed movement during sex, then furious kicking and squirming and a speeded-up heartbeat after orgasm) are solely responses to uterine activity.

Fear of “hitting” the baby on the head.
Though your partner may not want to admit it, no penis is big enough to hurt a fetus—or big enough to get close to it. Once again, the baby is well sealed off in a cozy uterine home. Even if your baby’s head is engaged in your pelvis, deep penetration can’t do any harm (though if it’s uncomfortable, avoid it).

Fear that sex will cause infection.
As long as your partner doesn’t have a sexually transmittable disease and your cervix is not open, there is no danger of infection to either mother or fetus through intercourse. In the amniotic sac, the baby is safely sealed off from both semen and infectious organisms.

Anxiety over the coming attraction.
Sure, you’re both preoccupied and maybe a little (or a lot) stressed out. You might be experiencing mixed feelings, too, over your baby’s imminent arrival. And it’s
sometimes hard to have sexy thoughts when your mind’s cluttered with worries about all those upcoming responsibilities and lifestyle changes, not to mention the financial and emotional cost of bringing up baby. Your best move? Talk about these feelings openly and often—and don’t bring them to bed.

Sexercise

There’s no better way to mix business with pleasure than performing Kegels during sex. These exercises tone the perineal area in preparation for childbirth, reducing the likelihood that you’ll need an episiotomy, as well as minimizing the risk of a tear. Doing Kegels often will also speed postpartum recovery in the area. And though you can perform Kegels anywhere, anytime (see
page 295
for how), doing them during intercourse can double the pleasure for you both. Exercise was never this much fun!

The changing relationship.
Maybe you’re having trouble adjusting to those impending changes in your family dynamic—the idea that you’ll no longer be just lovers, or partners, but mother and father as well. Or you may be discovering that the new dimension in your relationship brings a new intimacy to lovemaking—and with it, a new excitement.

Resentment.
Feelings of resentment—of your partner toward you, perhaps because he is jealous that you and the pregnancy have become the center of attention, or of you toward him because you feel you’re doing all the heavy lifting for the baby you both want and will both enjoy—can keep things chilly under the sheets. Such feelings are important to talk out, but again, do your chatting before you hit the sack.

Belief that sex later in pregnancy will cause labor to begin.
It is true that the uterine contractions triggered by orgasm become stronger as pregnancy proceeds. But unless the cervix is ripe and ready, these contractions do not appear to bring on labor—as many hopeful and eager overdue couples can attest. In fact, studies show that couples who are sexually active during late pregnancy are more likely to carry to term.

Of course, psychological factors can also add to pregnancy sex pleasure (good news!). For one, some couples who worked hard at becoming pregnant may be happy to switch from procreational to recreational sex. Instead of being slaves to ovulation predictor kits, charts, calendars, and monthly anxiety, they can enjoy spontaneous sex for pleasure’s sake. For another, many couples find that creating a baby brings them closer together than ever before, and they find the belly a symbol of that closeness—instead of an awkward obstacle.

Since lovemaking has so much to offer you and your partner when you’re expecting, it would be wonderful if every couple could take advantage of those perks throughout pregnancy. Alas, for some this isn’t possible. In high-risk pregnancies, intercourse may be restricted at certain times or even for the full nine months. Or intercourse may be permitted without orgasm for the woman. Or foreplay may be allowed as long as penetration is avoided. Or
penetration is permitted but only if a condom is used. Knowing precisely what is safe and when it’s safe is essential, so ask for details if your practitioner instructs you to abstain. Find out why sex is off the table and whether that refers to intercourse, orgasm, or both, and whether the restrictions are temporary or apply for the entire pregnancy.

Sex will probably be restricted under the following, and possibly other, circumstances:

If you are experiencing signs of preterm labor or, possibly, if you have a history of preterm labor

If you’ve been diagnosed with incompetent cervix or placenta previa

Possibly, if you are experiencing bleeding or if you have a history of miscarriages

If penetration is off-limits, but orgasm’s allowed, consider mutual masturbation. If orgasm’s taboo for you, you might get pleasure out of pleasuring your partner this way (he certainly won’t object). If intercourse has been okayed—but orgasm’s prohibited—you could try making love without your reaching climax. Though this definitely won’t be completely satisfying for you (and may be impossible if you climax easily), you’ll still get some of the intimacy you’re both craving while providing pleasure for your partner. If all lovemaking activities have been banned for the duration, try not to let that come between you as a couple. Focus on other ways of getting close—the romantic, G-rated kinds you might not have tapped into since early on in your relationship (like hand-holding, cuddling, and old-fashioned making out).

Getting Comfortable

When you’re making love at this point in your pregnancy (and later on, too), position matters. Side-lying positions (front-to-front or front-to-back) are often most comfortable because they keep you off your back. Ditto woman on top (which allows you more control over penetration). Rear entry can work well, too. Man on top is fine for quickies (as long as he keeps his weight off you by supporting himself with his arms), but after the fourth month, it’s not a good idea to spend too much time flat. on your back.

Good, lasting sexual relationships are rarely built in a day (or even a really hot night). They grow with practice, patience, understanding, and love. This is true, too, of an already established sexual relationship that undergoes the emotional and physical changes of pregnancy. Here are a few ways to “stay on top”:

Enjoy your sex life instead of analyzing it. Seize the moment as you seize each other. Don’t focus on how frequently or infrequently you’re having sex (quality is always more important than quantity, but especially when you’re expecting) or compare prepregnancy sex with your sex life now (they’re two different animals and, for that matter, so are both of you).