What to Expect the Toddler Years (147 page)

“I often find myself bribing our daughter with special treats so she’ll do what I say. But I have the feeling that I’m not doing the right thing.”

Life’s full of incentives; around every corner there’s someone waiting to offer you X, if you’ll just do Y. Work extra hard at the office, and you’ll get a bigger holiday bonus. Buy $15 worth of skin care products at the cosmetics counter, and you’ll get a free travel tote. Subscribe to the magazine now, and you’ll receive an extra six months for free. It’s only natural for parents to turn this persuasive technique on their children. Eat your broccoli and you’ll get a cookie. Clean up your room and you can watch
Sesame Street
. Come down from the jungle gym right now and we’ll stop and buy stickers on the way home. Don’t fight with Jonathan and we’ll visit the pet store after the play date.

And though the occasional use of incentives is harmless—and, when you consider the stubbornness quotient of the average toddler, sometimes altogether necessary—their habitual use to coax compliance may be unwise. Some studies show that children who are regularly bribed to cooperate or achieve learn to expect rewards and tend to do only as much as they need to in order to collect the prize; eventually, they don’t bother to try at all unless a reward is offered. What’s more, they often begin to assume that any task for which a reward is offered must be unpleasant or undesirable—otherwise, why would a reward be necessary?

These children don’t learn the concept of doing something for its own value (eating the broccoli because it tastes good and helps you grow; cleaning up because a tidy room is more fun to play in; not fighting over toys with a playmate because it makes the play date more pleasant). Later on, in school, experts suggest, creativity and love of learning can be inhibited by the use of too many gold stars and special privileges to reward academic success—on any project, these children tend to expend only the amount of energy necessary to cash in on the incentive, and no more.

Most parents would prefer their children to do what’s right not because they are told to or because they expect a reward, but because they have developed inner controls and good values. To help your toddler become that kind of child:

Reward with praise.
Letting your toddler know (with words, hugs, pats on the back) that you’re proud of her accomplishment or cooperation will fuel her inner drive much more effectively than will a more tangible reward. But be sure you praise the behavior (“You did such a wonderful job cleaning up your room!”) rather than the child (“You’re such a good girl for cleaning up your room!”), and that you don’t overdo it; see page 289 for more on praise.

Offer more tangible rewards occasionally.
Though a toddler shouldn’t be rewarded for putting her toys back on the shelf or eating her broccoli, it’s okay to offer a special treat (a trip to the playground, a rental DVD, an ice cream cone) when your child is required to cooperate above and beyond the usual call of duty. For example, when she has to accompany you while you shop around for a new dress and accessories at the mall, it’s legitimate to promise a treat at the end in return for good (if not perfect) behavior. Rewards may also be in order when a child is trying to take a major developmental leap forward—staying dry at night, for example, or expanding her food repertoire. Often setting up a chart with gold stars for these kinds of achievement is enough for very young children. Older children like to know that once they’ve accumulated a certain number of stars, they will be able to choose a gift or special privilege. When you can, it’s a good idea to match the reward with the deed: a doctor’s kit for the toddler who undergoes medical testing without much complaint; an article of clothing for the toddler who accompanies you to the mall for your shopping spree without squawking; a perky new placemat or cereal bowl for the toddler who has been cooperative about trying new foods.

Surprise with a reward.
The most satisfying kind of reward—and the one most likely to spark accomplishments and compliance in the future—is the unexpected kind. Occasionally bestowing a surprise reward for particularly fine achievement or for extra-special cooperation can be very effective in reinforcing positive behavior.

Avoid bribes.
A bribe is used to “buy off” a child who is being contrary or recalcitrant: “Come to the table right now.” “No, I’m playing!” “If you come right now, you can have ice cream for dessert.” In that scenario, the bribe is
offered in order to persuade the child to comply. But resorting to bribery is ultimately a big mistake. Rather than eliciting good future behavior, it encourages a child to say “no” next time so that you will offer her a treat
again
in return for compliance. So if you’re going to give a reward anyway (which you should not do routinely), offer it before your child has refused to comply.

Keep threats to a minimum.
Like bribes, threats tend to stifle any innate drive to achieve and behave responsibly. A child who is threatened may comply, but only to avoid the promised punishment.

Reinforce the concept of good behavior as its own reward.
Help your toddler see the benefits inherent in doing the right thing. For example, after you’ve cleaned up the living room, exclaim: “It feels so good to sit in a clean living room; I really didn’t feel like cleaning it before, but now I’m glad I did.”

Point out some of the benefits of your toddler’s good behavior, too. For example, if she stops grabbing toys at play group and then gets a call for a play date, you can say: “I think James really enjoyed playing with you in play group yesterday, and that his mommy appreciated your good manners. That’s probably why he wants to play with you today.”

Articles and books have been written about it. Talk shows address it. Parenting classes are devoted to it. And yet, with all the information available on the importance of parent–child communication, the fact is that parents in America spend far too little time in conversation with their kids—an amazing average of just a few minutes a day, some studies show.

How can your family buck the statistics and make conversation an important part of your lives?

Start early.
Even children who are barely verbal can participate in conversation, so it isn’t too early to begin having two- (or three-) way talks in your family. Building solid communication skills now will lay the groundwork for continuing dialogue as your child grows, and may ultimately make it easier for him or her to talk about sensitive subjects (friends, cheating, bullying, dating, sex, and alcohol and other drugs).

Set aside a special time for talk.
Though it’s valuable to strike up a conversation with your toddler at any time—when you’re pushing the stroller or the swing, when you’re making dinner, when you’re driving to day care, when you’re getting ready for work—such conversation isn’t enough. Good communication requires a solid stretch of unbroken time. Mealtime generally provides such a stretch, but only if you ban television, newspapers, telephone calls, and other distractions. Even if you don’t eat with your toddler, try to sit down for some conversation. A talk, particularly about the day’s events, can also be a valuable part of your toddler’s bedtime ritual. Make time, too, if you can, for a “good morning” chat (your toddler’s bed or yours) before each day begins.

When your toddler wants to talk, listen.
To a toddler who has no concept of time, being put off with a vague promise of “later” can be enormously frustrating. Not only is “later” a lifetime away, but by the time it rolls around, your toddler is likely to have forgotten that painstakingly formulated thought he or she had been bursting to share. Until your child learns patience and develops the ability to put thoughts on hold (around the age of four), try to avoid keeping him or her waiting for your ear. There will be times when waiting will be unavoidable—as when you’re discussing a computer problem with the repair person or you’re on an important phone call. Just make certain your toddler’s next in line for your attention when you’re done. A child who is regularly put off often begins to feel, “No one really wants to hear what I have to say, so I just won’t say anything. I’ll keep it to myself.”

Make contact when communicating.
Sometimes—when you’re driving the car, pushing a stroller across a busy street, dicing carrots with a sharp knife—an ear is all you can lend your toddler. But whenever possible, try to establish an additional avenue of contact (eye-to-eye, hand-to-hand, for example) when you’re talking and when you’re listening, when you’re discussing and when you’re disciplining. This connection will communicate love and respect along with the words. If you’re busy with something or it’s just not practical to sit face-to-face, try to glance at your toddler periodically as you talk and listen, and occasionally offer a pat on the head or a squeeze of the hand; some contact is always better than none.

Tune in, and stay tuned.
Pretending that you’re listening when you’re really absorbed in something else is neither honest nor fair and can take a toll not only on your toddler’s self-esteem but on the quality of family communications. Focus on your toddler as completely as you can when he or she is trying to communicate and demonstrate your involvement by making frequent comments. Children need to know that what’s important to them is important to their parents. On those occasions when you can’t listen, explain why so that your toddler will be reassured that it’s nothing personal. Let him or her know that you will lend your ear later.

Be a patient listener.
Let your toddler take all the time that’s necessary to tell a story or collect and express a thought or idea. Even if you’re busy, even if steam seems to be coming out of your toddler’s ears as he or she struggles to speak, be patient. Unless your help is requested, don’t jump in too quickly to put words in your child’s mouth or anticipate what’s coming next.

Be an enthusiastic audience.
A blow-by-blow description of your toddler’s tea party may not knock your socks off, but if it’s exciting to your toddler, it should be worthy of an enthusiastic response from you. Instead of replying “That’s nice” or “Uh-huh” to your toddler’s tale, show that you’re listening and that you care with some sincere repartee, “That tea smelled delicious. Did you drink it all up?”

Give your toddler space.
If your toddler doesn’t want to talk, don’t push it. Let your toddler know you would like to hear about what happened in preschool or play group, and leave it at that. If conversation becomes intrusive, an unpleasant third degree, your child may not want to talk at all.

Listen, but don’t judge.
Let your toddler express feelings, good and bad, freely. As difficult as it may be, listen and empathize without judging. If your child says, “I love . . . that toy or book or TV show,” say, “I’ve noticed that. What do you like about it?” rather than, “Well, I think it’s silly.” Once your child has spoken up, you can say, “That’s interesting.
I think . . .” Be sure, however, that your comments aren’t a put-down.

If your toddler complains, “I get mad when Shauna tries to play with my doll,” say, “I know it’s hard to share your doll,” rather than lecturing about the evils of not sharing. If you criticize or get preachy when your toddler tries to express real feelings now, he or she may never feel free to have an honest conversation with you.

Help your toddler with self-expression.
Many young children aren’t exposed to the vocabulary of feelings, but the feelings are there nevertheless. To help your child express them, provide the words: negative words (like sad, angry, tired, lonely, bored, embarrassed, hurt, worried, afraid, disappointed, and confused) and positive ones (such as happy, proud, excited, strong, confident, eager, loving, satisfied, relaxed). Use them frequently in describing your feelings, your toddler’s feelings, as well as the feelings of playmates, family members, and characters in books and on television.

Listen to body language.
Facial expression (sad eyes, an angry grimace, a frightened look) and body movements (a clenched fist, a shoulder shrug, flailing arms) often say as much as words. And when conversing, especially with toddlers (who often lack an extensive vocabulary), body language has to be taken into account. If body language seems to be saying one thing and your toddler’s words another, try to get at the truth with some gentle probing.

Don’t jump to conclusions.
It’s always better to hear a person out before you decide what it is he or she is saying. This is particularly important with toddlers, whose conversation can often be circuitous and is rarely organized in a coherent manner.

Toddlers love causes. They love to feel helpful and—because it gains them the approval of the adults in their lives—they love doing what’s “right.” So it’s generally easy to recruit them into the environmental crusade.

It’s true that many of the concepts of environmental concern are well beyond a toddler’s grasp, but early exposure to its three basic precepts—reduce, reuse, and recycle—can help make environmentally correct behavior second nature, and hopefully, help give nature a second chance. Here’s how to get your toddler started:

Model your environmental concern.
Being a good global citizen takes extra time and extra effort—for already overwhelmed parents of young children, the extra burden may not be welcome. But setting an exemplary environmental example serves two important purposes: One, it teaches your toddler to care for and about the Earth; two, it helps ensure that there will be an Earth for your toddler (and the toddlers in coming generations) to care about.