What to Expect the Toddler Years (110 page)

Make a strong statement with your own eating habits. Even a two-year-old will resent, and eventually protest, a double standard at the dining table, at home or away (Daddy washes down his bologna on white with Coke, she is forbidden all three; Mommy has two dough nuts and coffee for breakfast, she’s stuck with oatmeal, fruit, and milk). Instead of giving your toddler the message that only little
kids have to eat healthy foods and that Mommy and Daddy can eat anything they want, send one that says “our whole family believes eating right is important, and we do our best to eat right all the time.”

Make your wishes known. Anyone who will be supervising your toddler’s eating when you’re not around—her teachers, baby-sitter, playmates’ parents, grandparents, or other relatives—should be made aware of your dietary dictums. That doesn’t mean your toddler should be denied a birthday cupcake when all the other kids at day care are having one. But it does mean that her teacher should know that you prefer that your toddler not be offered junk food regularly, and that the rare exception not be overdone.

Make a pact. The biggest stumbling blocks in the way of keeping a toddler’s eating habits healthy often are the eating habits of peers. Many parents find that making a pact with the parents of their children’s friends to avoid junk food at play dates, lunches, snack times, and so on, and to limit it at parties makes it easier for everyone to keep their children’s diets healthy. It also eliminates the common parental plaint, “What can I do . . . all the other kids eat that junk.”

Make exceptions. The puritanical approach may yield your toddler’s compliance when she’s with you, but may encourage her defiance when she’s not. Allowing the occasional less-than-perfect treat will help satisfy her curiosity and her cravings without undermining her nutritional profile.

“Our son refuses to sit in a high chair or a booster seat, but he’s too small to reach the table from an adult seat.”

It’s not surprising your son won’t sit still for a booster. Not only does sitting in a confining seat significantly curtail a toddler’s activity at the table (including his ability to stand up during a meal), it sets him apart from other members of the family, who sit in adult chairs.

You could try a little good-natured manipulation (Daddy tries to sit in the booster seat and Mommy comes to the rescue with, “No, that’s Danny’s seat”), but it’s more than possible your toddler won’t fall for it. If he doesn’t, give up graciously. Insisting a child sit in a high chair or a booster seat when he doesn’t want to can set the table for trouble—ensuring seating problems, and risking eating problems as well. Instead, respect your toddler’s need to be active, and offer him some less-confining mealtime alternatives. A small table with toddler-size chairs set up alongside the family table is often acceptable. It gives a toddler the flexibility to move around a bit while eating, to leave when he’s finished, and to still feel part of the family meals. If yours prefers to sit at the grownup table on a grown-up chair, let him kneel on a kitchen chair or sit on a sturdy kitchen stool or a stepladder. Most toddlers like one of these options, but for safety, it’s a good idea to seat an adult in the next chair.

“Instead of choosing things to do on his own, my son tends to follow along with the crowd—particularly if the crowd includes older children.”

Don’t write off your son’s political future just yet. Though leadership potential may be glimpsed in the sand-box, the followers of today may end up the leaders of tomorrow. It’s too early to attach a tag-along tag to a child.

For many toddlers, following—older children in particular—is a great way to learn. Tagging along is also less threatening than taking the lead, and allows a toddler to move into and out of groups and to try new friends without being trailed by a coterie of followers.

As long as your toddler seems happy and secure following the crowd, there’s no reason to intervene. It’s how he feels about himself, and not who sets the game plan, that matters most. Help build his self-esteem (see page 292), give him plenty of chances to make his own decisions (see page 414), provide the support he needs to be the best he can be, and whether he is following or leading, he’ll do just fine.

“Our daughter seems exhausted since she started preschool. Could it be too much for her?”

It’s probably not too much—just different. Though your toddler may be accustomed to being on the go all day at home, being on the go at school is different. Even in homes where there are schedules—times for meals, for stories, for bath, for bed—a toddler customarily has plenty of time for the unscheduled and spontaneous. In school or day care, this is usually not the case. Though “free play” is at the core of a good preschool program, most preschools also build in numerous scheduled activities (such as snack time, story time, nap time, arts-and-crafts time, cooking time, dance-and-movement time, outdoor time). To toddlers used to a more relaxed pace at home, this sudden regimentation can take some getting used to. Until they do get used to it, the preschool experience can be somewhat draining, both physically and emotionally. The program may be wearing, too, because it isn’t geared to each child’s natural daily rhythms, but rather to what’s convenient for the group or the school. So there may be outdoor play when your toddler is accustomed to napping and nap time when she’s used to hearing a story. She may not be able to fall asleep at nap time, compounding her exhaustion. Struggling hard to be continuously well-behaved at preschool can also be fatiguing.

It’s likely that your toddler just needs more time to adjust to preschool life. In the meantime, keep the remainder of her day free of unnecessary activities. A play date or a class (exercise, dance, art, etc.) at the end of a long school day will probably add to her fatigue, and isn’t really needed now. What she needs after school is free unstructured time for unwinding, a healthy snack, and, chances are, a good nap. If she attends an afternoon program, keep her mornings relatively lowkey; if it seems she needs it (and it’s feasible), get her to nap before she heads for school.

Make certain, too, that separation anxiety—most likely if this is her first experience away from home—isn’t contributing to your toddler’s fatigue. To counteract this possibility, give her plenty of time, attention, and reassurance when you’re with her—and see page 395 for ways of dealing with the anxiety.

If your toddler’s exhaustion worsens over the next few weeks, or if her mood is down most of the time, some further exploration may be helpful. Is the program the right one for her? Is it too high-pressure? Could she be missing a needed nap? Is she too excited or too confused to eat her meals and snacks away from home? Look for the answers to these questions at pre school. If you don’t find them there, or if she shows any signs of illness in addition to the fatigue, or if the fatigue continues, also check with her doctor.

“I just never got around to weaning my son from the bottle. Since he seemed so happy with it, I kept putting it off and putting it off. Now that he’s turning two and is so stubborn about everything, I don’t know how I’ll ever get him off it.”

Weaning at any age is often difficult, and weaning at the typically tyrannical age of two is, as you’ve guessed, usually considerably more so. But with a lot of patience and determination, and a little friendly persuasion, it can be accomplished. And it should be done as soon as possible to eliminate the risks of prolonged bottle feeding, including the possibility of frequent ear infections. Drinking while lying down allows fluid into the eustachian tube where bacteria might breed and cause ear aches. (See page 27 for more on its drawbacks). Here’s how:

Try the weaning tips on page 27. Although they were designed with a younger toddler in mind, they also work for older children.

Give your toddler some control. The next time your toddler asks for a bottle, give him a choice. Offer a bottle of water in one hand, and a cup of his favorite beverage in the other. If it’s his decision, and he realizes that he can’t handle holding both at the same time, he may just decide that having his favorite drink is more important than having his favorite container. Even if he doesn’t take the cup the first time, keep on trying—eventually, he’s likely to reach for it.