What She Wanted (28 page)

Dean pulled me onto my feet and wrapped his arms around me.

Heidi jogged in place and squealed. “You’re going to be completely amazing in New York. I’m going to visit!” She crushed herself against my back. “When do you leave?”

“Two weeks.” I sniffled against Dean’s chest. “I don’t have stuff for a dorm room.” A rush of panic overtook me. I’d planned on an apartment above a bar without a roommate.

“I can help.” Josh’s voice drew my attention.

I blinked against the sun. “With what?”

Emotion wrecked his face. What had I missed while I was breaking down? I glanced at Mark. Had he said something awful again?

“Whatever you need,” Josh promised. “I want to help. I mean, probably not me personally, if there’s shopping, but Beth’s great at that. Ask my credit card company.”

Heidi bounced on her toes. “I have my list!” She wiggled her phone in the air between us. “Mom made a checklist in March when we started collecting.”

Josh walked to the end of the porch, phone pressed to his ear.

Mark glared through the screen. “You’re leaving?”

I yanked the door open and wrapped my arms around Mark. “I’m going to New York!” I didn’t care if he hugged me back. I didn’t care if he hated every second of me touching him. I couldn’t leave without telling my grandpa one very important thing. “I love you.”

“All right. All right,” he protested. His hands landed on my back in gentle thumps.

I stepped back with a smirk, letting the screen shut between us. Something in his tone said he didn’t hate my touch or confession. Maybe I should’ve forced affection on him a long time ago. “We’re going fishing. You’re well again. You don’t work overtime, and I’m on a countdown. You can’t say no. It’s on the list.”

He rubbed the white stubble along one cheek. “I’ll have to check the shed. Make sure we have everything we need.”

“I don’t care if we use tree branches and bent safety pins. We’re going.”

“Well, you won’t catch anything like that. You might as well use the branch to clobber them.”

A laugh bubbled over my lips. “Don’t give me any ideas, old man.”

“Okay.” Josh opened his arms in a victory V. “Beth’s taking Katy to get whatever she needs in the morning. You’re both welcome to go. I have to work.”

The front door creaked open. Mark held it wide with one palm. “Well, come on. If you’ve got something to celebrate, there’s strawberry shortcake in the kitchen.” He released the door and headed for the kitchen without waiting to see if anyone would follow.

I caught the door with my fingertips before it snapped.

“Shortcakes?” I asked the trio on my porch.

The crew nodded and moved, single file into the house.
My crew
. Heidi took the lead. The guys went next: Dean, then Josh. Josh sized Dean up all the way to the kitchen.

Irrational sadness settled heavy on my heart and flattened my smile as I followed the mismatched convoy inside. I suddenly had more reasons to stay than I’d dreamed possible.
How can I leave?

I ran for a week straight, making travel arrangements and making up for lost time. Josh came back once and argued with Mark over burgers. I visited him and Beth as often as possible. It broke my heart to think of the healing family I’d soon leave behind. Mark and I were finally connecting like people instead of feral, aching animals. Josh had offered him the name of a grief counselor he started seeing when he got sober, and Mark about had an aneurism. Real men didn’t need therapy. Good thing I wasn’t a real man, because I’d already registered for regular sessions with the school counselor at NYFA. She’d e-mailed me to confirm and seemed like a nice lady to talk to. Being away from home was probably hard enough for most kids, and they weren’t leaving behind all that I was.

Assuming I actually left.

I changed my mind constantly. Going was too much to ask. So was staying. People who said, “It’s complicated,” should be slapped. They had no idea what complicated was
.

Meeting Dean at his barn became our new routine and the highlight of my nights. The hayloft was an oasis away from stress and anxiety. A place to regroup. Being wrapped in Dean’s strong arms helped. Dean kicked a path through loose hay and arranged a pair of bales near the loft window to use as backrests. I spread the pile of blankets we’d hauled up on our first night trip and settled into a perfect view of the full moon. He set a cooler with snacks and drinks beside the window and started his playlist for entertainment until the battery wore down.

Lavender hues of twilight colored the world outside our barn. Crickets and lightning bugs confirmed the end of another day. One less to share with Dean and my family…If I left.

He lowered his frame next to mine and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “I can’t tell you how much I look forward to our nights in the hay.”

I leaned my head against his sturdy shoulder. “Me, too.”

“How was work?”

“Sylvia’s paying me for nothing. I’ve spent less than five hours there all week and my paycheck was the same as always today.”

“Maybe she’s heard how stubborn you are about letting people help you with college expenses.”

“Hey.” I poked his thigh where it brushed against mine. “Your mom has brought produce three times this week. I don’t need that for college.”

“She likes feeding you.”

“Well, she does too much for us.” I drew a smile on his knee with my fingertip. “Though, it would be nice to know she’s checking on Mark when I’m gone.”
How can I go?

“She’d be happy to help. She loves your family. Always has.”

I sighed. “I appreciate your mom.” I scrubbed fingers through tangled hair. “It’s not just her, though. I’ve got Heidi’s mom delivering school supplies and Beth buying me clothes. There was no one all those years and now there’s everyone. You know? I’m overwhelmed, that’s all.” I waved my hands in the air. “It’s nuts.”

“Maybe, but when you don’t let them do their things, you steal their thunder.” He raised his palms in surrender. “I’m just saying, every time you send my mom home with a sack of produce meant for your refrigerator, she sulks through dinner. You ruin her good time when you do that.”

I straightened. “Is she mad?”

“Not mad. Bummed. Disappointed. People feel good when they do things for other people. You know that.” He squeezed me to his side. “You love doing stuff for people.”

Guilt churned through me. I rolled my forehead against his shoulder. “I’m such a moron. I love making people smile. Giving is fun. Taking is awful. It’s humbling and awkward.”

“For you.”

I lifted my face. “Yes, for me.” I grinned. “Tell your mom I’ll cheerfully take any produce she brings this week, and I’m sorry I ruined her good time before.”

He kissed my nose. “Deal. What about Beth and Heidi’s mom?”

I tipped over, resting my head in his lap. “I hate taking things from Beth. I barely know her. I’ll text Heidi, though. She can pass on the message to her mom. Bring on the office supplies. I will be sincerely thankful in my least awkward way possible.”

“Atta girl.”

I wiggled onto my back and looked into his wide blue eyes. The world smelled of old wood and hay, Dean’s cologne, and a distant campfire.

“What?” His bright smile illuminated the night. His golden tan was erased by the silver moonlight. “Why are you smiling? I love it, but what’s happening? I want to make you smile like this. Tell me the secret.”

I rocked my head against his legs. “I’m just thinking. How is this my life right now?” Alone in the night with a guy who wants to end hunger, help famers, and make me smile.

He wrinkled his nose. “Is it too glamorous?” He made a show of looking around us. “Is it the hay? The old quilts and blankets? Too fancy. I tried hauling dirt up here, but it fell through the floorboards.”

I grabbed his shirt and pulled him toward me. “This is perfect.”

“You’re easy to impress. I’m in luck.” He stopped halfway to my mouth and stretched puckered lips in my direction. “I can’t reach like this.” He rolled me off him and lay beside me on the soft quilt. His lips grazed my ear. “Would Mark notice if you didn’t come home tonight? We could stay just like this.” He dragged me against him, warming my back with his heat and nipping my ear with his teeth.

“Just like this, huh?” My muscles tensed to turn toward him and snuggle into the safety of his broad and beautiful chest.

“Absolutely. I’ll make you eggs and bacon in the morning.”

“Oh,” I quivered at the hot swipe of his tongue on my neck. “I’m sure your mom would love to see us show up at breakfast covered in hay.”

“She’d be thrilled. She says life’s short. A big believer in the power of love and laughter.”

No longer able to resist, I turned in the tight confines of his arms and pressed my chest to his. Breath caught in my throat as I reveled in the frantic pace of his heart against mine. “Really? She said that?”

“She writes prescriptions for laughter and delivers them to patients in her ward.”

“Not that. The other thing.” The firmness of his body made it nearly impossible to concentrate.

“Love?”

I nodded, utterly breathless.

“Falling in love is good for the heart.” He kissed my lips. “Good for the soul.” He spoke the words against my mouth and our breaths mingled. He captured my bottom lip in his and suckled. Electricity shot through my body.

I let my head roll back, saturated in endorphins and joy. “It feels pretty amazing, too.” I panted as he moved his mouth to my collarbone. I’d basically admitted to falling in love with him, but his mouth on my skin made it impossible to feel too self-conscious.

He ran wide warm hands beneath the hem of my shirt, grazing my ribs and sizzling paths along my torso with his fingers. “Have you gotten everything in order for your trip next week?” He looked into my eyes, searching. His thumb made a lazy pattern across my belly button. “Can I drive you to the airport?”

“Yeah.” I struggled to think of anything other than his hands on my skin and the fact no one knew where we were. “Are you in a hurry to get me to the airport?”

“No. I’m trying to talk to you because all this aloneness is competing with my good manners.”

I smiled. “Okay then. Did I tell you I had to tell a school that was following up on my application that I’d accepted New York’s offer? Two months ago I was making plans to live above a bar and attend community college. Today I was apologizing to a top photography school because I’d accepted a competing offer.”

“Nice. How’d it feel?”

“Amazing.”

He laughed. “Did I tell you that two months ago, I promised myself I wouldn’t go back to Kent without asking you out?”

“Shut up.” I ran a palm over his stubble-covered cheek and traced his bottom lip with the pad of my thumb.

“I’m dead serious. I’ve wanted to know you for years. When we were kids, I just wanted a playmate. Later, I wanted to ask you about your camera. I’d never seen one like it. I wanted to know why you walked alone every night taking pictures of the moon.”

“You saw that?”

“Yeah. I always wanted to go with you, but I was afraid to ask and I had to be home when the lightning bugs came out.” He tugged the hem of my tank top back into place and laced his fingers with mine. “By high school, I’d resolved to forget about your camera and mind my own business.” He kissed my temple and slid our joined hands over my head.

“You had enough high school business to keep anyone busy.”

“That was all my mom’s doing. She was obsessed with scholarship money, so I played all the sports. I joined all the clubs. I ran myself senseless for her. She’d been through too much with Dad. I didn’t want to disappoint her. She’d hoped I’d apply to med school, so you can imagine her thrill to find my preoccupation with food transport and agriculture.”

“Think of all the money you saved her on tuition.”

He rolled onto his back beside me. “You should tell her that. I still get the cold shoulder feeling from her sometimes.”

I curved my arm over his chest and rested my ear over his heart, eager to hear the happy beat. My head rose and fell with his quick breaths. “I don’t want to leave.”

His hand moved protectively across my back. “I know.” He stroked my hair, wrapping the tips over his fingers and tugging gently. “It’s okay to want to stay.”

“Am I crazy to go? I don’t want to leave you and Heidi, or Josh and Beth, and I’m just getting to know Mark.”

“Hey.” Dean’s voice became a sweet caress. “You can have everything, Katy. Family, friends, your dream education, you can have it all. I do. You don’t have to choose. When you love people, they don’t go away because you have other things to do for a while. My folks can’t stand one another, but they’re both here for me when I come home. Dad invites me over to watch the game or go out for a day on the lake. Mom cooks nonstop until my pants won’t button. Your family’s the same. Heidi and the other girls I’ve seen you with, they’ll be here when you come home. Plus, you’ll make more friends than you can count at school. I’m not joking. Everyone’s the same age on campus. They’re happy and excited to be there. There’s always something to do. The people in your classes will have the same interests. You’re going to be crazy happy. I promise. If someone’s not here when you get back, there’s this wacky little thing called the Internet. There’s Skype. E-mail. Facetime.” He ticked fingers off near my nose. “Texting, cell phones…”

“What about us?” There. I’d asked. “What happens to us when school starts again?”

Alarm shocked his features wide. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No.” I tossed hay at him. “Stop asking that. I’m trying to find out what happens to us after this.”

His blue eyes softened into a look I wanted to memorize and take out on lonely nights this fall. “I’m hoping we can keep this going.”

“Long distance dating during college?”

“Longer, I hope.” He broke into a smile. “The dating part I mean, not the long distance part. I’m hoping fate brings us back together when you finish making a big deal of yourself up north.”

My heart swelled.

“I thought we could start a ritual, like talking every Sunday night, to catch up on our weeks and vent about the assholes who aggravate us, or just fall asleep online together knowing we aren’t alone.”