What She Left for Me (25 page)

Jana wanted to believe that Taffy was right. She wanted to feel something of comfort—comfort that she’d had prior to Rob’s leaving. While her faith in God had been weak, she’d at least had something. Now there was nothing, and it left a hollow ache inside.

“But I haven’t had much to do with God,” Jana said with a deep sigh. “Why should He give me anything—even time?”

Taffy smiled. “Because He loves you, child. Just because you stopped loving Him doesn’t mean He stopped loving you.”

Jana swallowed hard. Had she stopped loving God? Or was she merely ignoring Him like a pouting child would do with a parent?

“Give Him another chance, Jana. He’s waiting for you. He’s never left you. Just like He’s never left your mother.”

Twenty-two

That evening, Taffy and Jana ate alone in the garden. Climbing roses sent a delicate scent on the breeze, while dahlias, bachelor’s buttons, and daisies waved in unison from their places along the fence. The setting was well suited for a summertime meal.

“This is perfect,” Taffy said, enjoying the flavor of the lemon-pepper salmon. Jana had surprised her with the dish, and it seemed ideal for a late garden supper. A salad and iced tea rounded out the menu.

Jana picked at her food, pushing it around the large china plate. Taffy knew her mind was on her mother. She wished she could give Jana insight into the past, but that was Eleanor’s job. To betray her niece in that way would be devastating. So instead, Taffy decided to share about her own childhood.

“When I was sixteen,” she began, “your grandmother, Melody, was born.” She watched Jana perk up at this information and continued. “My mother had so wanted another child. She had suffered through eight miscarriages before Melody was brought to term.”

“How awful,” Jana said in a whisper.

“It was awful—but made more so by my father. He was a strict religious man who believed my mother’s failed pregnancies were due to sin in her life. He constantly berated her for not confessing, not repenting. He made her fast for days at a time in hope of gaining favor with God.”

“That’s terrible. Why did she tolerate that?”

Taffy smiled at the naïve question. “Women in those days had very little choice. Divorce was out of the question. Few women left their marriages, and those who did were ostracized by ‘decent’ married women.”

“Even Christians?”

“Especially Christians. I can remember being taught to have nothing to do with such women. They were sinners.” Taffy shook her head. “How very blind we can sometimes be.” She took a sip from her iced tea. “My mother longed to give my father a son. He wanted a son to carry on the family name and business. He wanted a son to become an extension of himself. So when Melody was born, he was more than disappointed. He was outraged. He acted as though Mother had done this solely to spite him.”

“He sounds completely unreasonable. I’m glad I didn’t know him.”

“Yes, he was unreasonable. Mother spent her every waking hour trying to serve him, and it was never enough. She kept a perfect house, cooked marvelous meals, and accompanied him to all the parties and affairs that required their presence, and still he was not satisfied. As his business flourished and he began to make his fortune, my father grew even more unbearable. I believe he even hit my mother on occasion.”

“And still she didn’t leave?”

“Jana, dear, there was nowhere to go. Other family members would simply never have taken her in, and short of living on the street, she would have been without a place to live. There were no shelters. The mentality was that to have such places would only encourage discontentment in wives. The wisdom—and I use that term loosely—of the day was that if you ignored a problem, it would go away.”

“But that’s not how abuse works.”

“No, it isn’t. Things did get worse. My sister was born just days before the bombs fell on Pearl Harbor. The world changed quickly after that. My father’s industry boomed, and he suddenly found himself wealthy enough to have anything he wanted. Except the one thing he truly desired, which was a son. He cursed my mother for giving him another girl, then walked away from all of us. Oh, he didn’t divorce my mother or leave the house, but he might as well have done both. He immersed himself in his business in such a way that we rarely saw him.”

“But wasn’t that better than dealing with his anger?”

“In some ways it was nice to have things quiet again. But in spite of my father’s bullying and fierce temper, he was the only man in the house, and we were a country at war. We lived in fear of what might happen if the Germans or Japanese invaded. I was sixteen years old, and all I wanted was some reassurance that everything would be all right—that the future would be all right.”

Taffy stopped and put down her fork. “That’s all your mother is seeking right now. She just needs to know that the future will work out in a positive way.”

“That will never happen if she doesn’t deal with the past.”

“And what of you, Jana? Have you dealt with the past? Did it give you the answers you needed in order to make a better future?”

Jana considered the question for a moment. “I’ve dealt with as much as I could. I went to therapy for a time while I was in college. . . . I tried to figure out why I couldn’t seem to move forward. I felt eternally tied to the past.”

“Many people are.”

Jana smiled. “But not you. You live freely in the present. You don’t seem at all concerned with the future.”

Taffy laughed. “Well, there probably isn’t a whole lot of it left—as far as an earthly future is concerned.”

“Don’t say that,” Jana countered quickly. Taffy could sense her fear.

“Jana, I’m not afraid of dying. I’m not afraid of what this earth holds in store for me, because God holds my future. He has already promised to never leave me nor forsake me. Why should I worry?”

“Things don’t always work out. The plans we make fall apart.”

“Then maybe they weren’t plans we should have made in the first place.”

“Maybe, but once they’re made, shouldn’t we try to see them through to fruition?”

Taffy thought for a moment. “If you are going on a road trip and you take the wrong highway, do you keep right on going on the wrong road—in the wrong direction? Or do you stop, turn around, and head back to take the right path?”

“But sometimes you can’t back up or turn around. Sometimes you aren’t on wide highways but rather narrow alleyways with no crossroads, just tall buildings to line your way. God hates divorce, so how could dissolving my marriage have been the right change?”

“I never said changing your marriage status was the answer. I was talking about your heart. I don’t propose to know all the answers, Jana, but I do know that God sometimes calls us to abandon our plans. God has shown me many times in my life where I chose a false path. Sometimes He’s helped me to change my way, but other times, as you’ve pointed out, the road can’t be changed. At least not at that point and time. So God has given me direction, grace, and encouragement to endure the trip. Just as He’s doing with you right now. Like He’s done all these years with Eleanor.”

“But I want to do more than endure. I want more than that for my mother. Anyone can endure, but I want to succeed. I want to be victorious—like you.”

Taffy nearly cringed at the compliment. The child had no way of knowing the battles she’d fought in life. Jana only saw Taffy on one side of the mountain—the good side—the side Taffy had reached only after years of struggle and heartache. Jana had the impression that everything Taffy had done or said had resulted in perfection and order. Perhaps it was time to show her that hadn’t always been the case.

“I married Calvin Anderson in complete rebellion,” Taffy began. “I met him at one of the many parties my parents held. My mother was ill that night, so I acted as hostess at my father’s request. Cal had a presence about him that made all the women swoon. He was a cross between Charles Boyer and Gary Cooper. My, but he was gorgeous. He swept into the room that night, dressed in a tuxedo and carrying a bouquet of flowers intended for my mother.”

“What happened next?”

Taffy recalled the evening in vivid detail. “I was wearing a gown of dark gold satin. It was one of my mother’s dresses that had been made over for me. The style was a bit severe and matronly, but I made the best I could of the situation. My hair was a dark honey color in those days, and I wore it pinned up in rather the same fashion Audrey Hepburn had worn it in
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
—do you remember?” Jana nodded and Taffy continued.

“Father introduced us and Cal bowed low and handed me the bouquet, explaining that he’d brought the flowers for my mother. I accepted on her behalf, and my father went off to greet some new arrivals. Cal looked me over, you know, in that way that makes a young girl blush.”

Jana giggled at Taffy’s description. “I can imagine.”

“Well, he was just so bold and so outspoken. He didn’t care what anyone thought. He told me then and there that if I were his wife, he would dress me properly in colors and fabrics that would complement my figure and complexion. Well, I didn’t know what to say, he had so startled me. So I came back at him with the only bit of wit I could muster.”

“Which was what?” Jana actually leaned forward at this point.

“I asked him flat out if that was a marriage proposal.”

Jana laughed and it did Taffy’s heart good. “That sounds like you. What did he say?”

“He gave as good as I’d given. He said, ‘Would you like it to be?’ And that began everything. We were seldom out of each other’s company after that. He was popular with my father because of his entrepreneurial talents. He was a lawyer originally but found that he was adept at making money in many fashions. I had no idea of his wealth when we first started seeing each other, but as time went on and his gifts became more elaborate, I figured it all out.”

“How romantic,” Jana said wistfully.

“Well, yes and no. You see, even then, I had a check of sorts in my spirit. Cal cared nothing about God, so at first that was attractive in light of my father’s zealous religious nature. Cal didn’t flaunt that he wasn’t interested in spiritual matters; in fact, quite the opposite. He played the game just enough to convince my father of his virtues.”

“But you knew the truth?”

“Yes, and unfortunately, I told myself at the time that it didn’t matter. So since God couldn’t convince my spirit that marriage to this man was wrong, He came at me in other ways. I saw how Cal treated people. He used them. He manipulated them with the greatest of ease until they were begging for his company and his bidding. I’d never seen anything like it, but again, I let it go. I was falling deeply in love with the man.” She shrugged. “Perhaps he had unwittingly manipulated my heart as well.”

Taffy ate a mouthful of the salmon and wondered how much more she should say. It was difficult to share all that had transpired. It would take too long, and frankly, she was growing tired.

“Anyway, there were signs that warned me to turn back, but I chose instead to move ahead. When Cal formally presented me with a diamond engagement ring—a ring much too elaborate and expensive for a simple girl of eighteen—I immediately said yes. I knew eventually my father would learn the truth about Cal’s lack of spiritual interest, and it seemed to be my perfect revenge. I wanted to hurt my father for the pain he had caused me and my mother—even my sister. I even wanted to hurt my mother for loving Melody more than me. Besides, even though I had my misgivings, I pushed them aside in the belief that everything would work out. I was, after all, marrying my fairy-tale prince. Why should I spoil that with reality?” She smiled.

“Love does tend to blind us. Especially when we’re desperate to leave what we have for something else.”

“Yes, and when we ignore God’s warnings.”

“Sometimes we don’t know about God’s warning. I had barely become a Christian when Rob proposed. Up until then I thought it was just my soul he wanted.” She paused for a moment and her expression changed.

“I was so lonely,” Jana admitted. “So desperate for love—for someone to get close to. I could never understand why my mother rejected me, yet she wouldn’t let me get close to my nannies or even tell me about you. How different my life might have been if I’d had you in it.”

“Your mother was afraid you’d be hurt by relationships, just as she had been. We all have that fear to some degree.”

“But to cast off her own child?”

“She couldn’t risk more damage,” Taffy said seriously. “It doesn’t make it right, but that was her justification. She couldn’t risk getting close to even one more person.”

“But why? I don’t understand.”

Taffy felt sorry for the girl. “Because being close meant being vulnerable. She couldn’t allow that in her life. She’d been vulnerable too many times before, and it had resulted in her being used most grievously.”

“But everyone gets used sometime. The world is full of players.”

“True . . . but sometimes the game gets out of hand.”

Twenty-three

Taffy’s birthday affair was one of the biggest events in Lomara. It seemed to Jana that everyone in the small town had turned out to wish the woman well on her eightieth birthday.

In her typical flair for the dramatic, Taffy attended her party dressed in a full-length ball gown. She completed the look with white gloves and a tiny tiara in her white hair. Stanley escorted her dressed in a stylish tuxedo with a tie that matched the color of Taffy’s gown. They were truly in contrast to their party attendees, most of whom wore jeans and cowboy shirts or shorts and T-shirts. But that didn’t matter to Taffy. Jana wished she could come to the place where people’s feelings about her no longer mattered. Jana still found herself fretting over what the members of her former church thought of her. Did they blame her for what had happened to her marriage—to Rob?