What She Left for Me (18 page)

Even as she said the words aloud, Jana felt a twinge of discomfort. After all, she felt her life had been built on secrets and lies, and now she was planning to do the same for her child. But what else could she do? How could anyone, much less a child, get his mind around the truth of this situation?

Maybe that’s how Mom feels when I ask her to discuss the past.

The thought startled Jana. Was that the truth? Was the past so hideous that her mother had no way to convey the information?
But surely my situation is much worse.

It was so hard to come to grips with the reality of what had happened. Where was Rob killed? How had it all happened? She had so many questions. Questions that only Jason and Kerry and some unnamed witness had answers to.

“I could go see Jason,” she reasoned. Then just as quickly she dismissed the idea. Nothing would look more like a conspiracy than to have the widow of a murdered man show up at the jail to have a talk with the murderer.

But even if she knew the truth and all its details, Jana seriously doubted it would make things any better. Her husband, louse that he was, did not deserve to be murdered. Cut down in the prime of his life. Jana had never wished that for him.

“I might have wished he’d simply disappear,” she told the room, “but I never wished him dead.”

She stroked her stomach. “Baby, I’m so sorry for all you have to face in life. You’re not even born yet, but your path is already being decided for you.”

The thought made Jana sad. She tried to imagine her child growing up without a father. All she or he would have would be an angry, confused mother, an indifferent grandmother, and a zany great-great-aunt, who, chances were better than not, wouldn’t be around much longer.

That thought only led Jana to more depressing and discouraging thoughts. Taffy might, if really blessed, live another ten or twenty years at the most. It wasn’t enough time. Jana began to resent her mother for keeping Taffy from her all these years. How different might things have been if Taffy had been a part of them? Maybe Jana would have been happy and secure. Maybe she would have never met and married Rob. It might have been possible that she and her mother would have had a wonderful relationship instead of none at all.

Jana grew bored with her speculation and contemplation. She went to the closet and pulled out a burgundy blouse and jeans. She dressed with no real interest in her appearance, but she did note as she fastened the waistband of her jeans that they were nearly too tight to fit into. Despite the pregnancy, Jana hadn’t been eating well and had lost nearly fifteen pounds. Because of this, her own clothes were still fitting, and she’d given maternity clothes very little consideration. She supposed now she’d have to do something about it. Her tops might well take her into another month or so, but her pants and jeans wouldn’t last much longer.

She looked in the mirror and saw the hollow, haunted reflection of a stranger stare back. The woman Jana saw bore little resemblance to the person she’d once been. But in spite of having plenty of makeup to help remedy the problem, Jana did nothing more to help her haggard appearance than run a brush through her long, straight brown hair. Rob had always insisted she wear it long. She touched her hair, remembering the way Rob liked to play with it when they were curled up watching television.

A sigh escaped her lips. She would never love again. Her life of romance and companionship with a soul mate was over. The thought left her very sad and almost sent her back to bed.

Forcing herself to go downstairs, Jana went into the living room and glanced around for any sign of her mother or Taffy. There was no one. The silence of the room welcomed her, and Jana accepted the invitation. For several moments she did nothing but stand quietly and gather her thoughts. She couldn’t help but wonder about the woman whose home this had been for so many years.

Jana began to study each picture and piece of memorabilia. Who was Taffy Anderson? What had she loved? Where had she traveled? Picking up an ebony carving of a black panther, Jana remembered Africa. She could almost feel the heat on her skin.

“If I hadn’t gone . . .” she whispered to the figurine. But she knew her time in Africa had nothing to do with the destruction of her marriage. Apparently that had already been in the works.

She replaced the panther and continued to study the pieces on the fireplace mantel.

“You know what you need, dearie?”

Jana turned to find Taffy watching her. “No, what?” she asked her aunt.

“A drive up into the mountains. Stanley and I already have a trip planned today. Why don’t you join us? We’ll have great fun. We’re going to picnic by a stream.”

While the idea sounded inviting, Jana had no desire to be around other people. “Thanks anyway,” she replied, shaking her head. “I’d rather not. But please ask me again sometime.”

Taffy smiled sympathetically. “I will, but you must promise me something.”

Jana cocked her head to the right. “And what would that be?”

“I want you to promise me that you won’t dwell too long on ‘what ifs.’ It won’t bring Rob back to you, but it very well might destroy your chance for further happiness.”

“I doubt I’ll ever be happy again.”

“I used to think that way too. But it isn’t true.”

“But Rob was . . . I thought he was my soul mate, and I thought he felt the same toward me. That’s why it hurt so much when he left me for Kerry. I’ll never find anyone like that again—nor do I even want to try.”

“And for now, thinking this way is perfectly fine,” Taffy said, coming to where Jana stood. “You need time to mourn and to let go of the anger and hurt. You will never be the divorced wife of Rob McGuire. You are his widow. That’s something no one can take away from you. It’s a respectable title.”

“You make it sound like an honor. He’s dead, and I’d much rather have him back than have a respectable title.”

Taffy reached out and touched Jana’s cheek. Her hands were cold, but Jana didn’t mind. “It’s not that I want to make it sound honorable; it’s just that I know how much it hurt you to think of being divorced—of bearing that title when you did nothing to deserve it. So many women suffer this fate, and sadly enough, even good Christian people treat them horribly for that title.” Taffy patted Jana’s face, then squeezed her hand. “It only matters because I’m coming to know you.”

Jana had to admit the woman was right. It had bothered her a lot to think she would bear the title of divorcée when she had never done anything to instigate the dissolution of her marriage.

“I guess I see what you’re saying,” she finally replied. “Yet, being divorced or being widowed . . . I’m still left with nothing.”

“Not true. You have the good memories and your baby.”

“But the memories must have been false,” Jana said. This was something she had concluded only a short time ago. “Just because I remember them as good doesn’t mean they were. I thought things were fine. I thought we had a wonderful marriage with a great future. My memories are based on that, but apparently Rob had completely different thoughts on the matter.”

“But we’ll never know for sure, will we?”

Jana looked hard at Taffy. “We know he didn’t feel that way, because he just walked away. He’d been planning it for some time. He couldn’t have felt the same way I did about our relationship.”

“Possibly,” Taffy said softly, “but does that invalidate your feelings?”

Jana shrugged. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t. To me it seems that I believed an illusion—something not at all real.”

“And is that how you feel about God as well?”

Jana turned away. “My relationship with Him seems as false as my marriage. I thought He was good and that He protected us from harm if we loved Him. I never worried about things even once in Africa because I believed God would care for me.”

“But you don’t believe God will care for you now?”

“I don’t know what I believe,” Jana answered honestly. She met her great-aunt’s face, fearful of finding condemnation in her eyes. Instead, she found only compassion.

Taffy nodded. “It’s best not to try and reason it all out overnight. Give yourself time, and maybe instead of focusing on the past, you could focus on the future. Your child will need you now more than ever.”

“I’ll try,” Jana replied. There was something about this coming from Taffy that made her sincerely want to try.

Jana thought about Taffy’s words long after her great-aunt had left for her mountain trip with Stanley. Lomara sat in a tiny valley with mountains all around them, so Jana knew the couple wouldn’t have far to go on their adventure. She almost wished she’d gone with them—especially when Eleanor joined her in the living room.

Jana acknowledged her mother, then picked up one of Taffy’s dozen or so magazines and pretended to be absorbed in an article about basket weaving. Eleanor looked like she was thoroughly captivated by a book on business, but Jana got the feeling her mother wanted to talk. That so surprised Jana that she put down the magazine and asked frankly, “How was it you came to live with Aunt Taffy?”

Eleanor looked over the top of her book as if annoyed. She seemed to contemplate the question for a moment, then closed her book. “There were problems with my parents, and Social Services came and took me away. Eventually I ended up with Taffy and Cal.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about them?”

“It didn’t seem important. I mean, what was there to gain?”

Jana felt her anger rise and pushed it back down. “There were relationships to gain. I would have liked knowing them both—growing up with them as grandparents or grandparent substitutes.”

Her mother clearly bristled at this suggestion. “Cal died shortly after you were born. There would have been no chance of knowing him.”

“What about Aunt Taffy? That must have been a very hard time for her. Why didn’t you want to be with her? I mean, surely she would have relished having family around her. Unless, of course, there are other family members you’ve kept hidden from me, and they were comforting her.”

Eleanor quickly looked at her hands. For several moments she said nothing, making Jana confident that she’d hit upon a truth. Could it be possible? Did they have relatives Jana knew nothing about?

“Taffy had no one else,” Eleanor finally stated.

“But there is other family, isn’t there?” Jana questioned. “You’ve kept other people—other relatives—from me.”

“I did what I had to do to protect you,” Eleanor said, looking up. “Someday you’ll understand that when you find yourself working to protect your child.”

“Rob had no one left in his family. He was an only child, and his mother died last year from cancer. His father died before I even met Rob. So I’ll have no need to protect or hide my child away.”

“Then you’ll be blessed.”

Jana felt complete frustration at her mother’s flippant answer. “Mom, what family members do I not know about?”

“It isn’t important, Jana. They aren’t a part of your life and never will be. Why do you always insist on living in the past?”

It was Jana’s turn to stiffen. She had spent most of the morning in a world of memories, so her mother’s words hit very close to the truth. “I suppose because I’m still trying to understand it. To understand us . . . you and me.”

Eleanor shook her head and put the book on the table beside her chair. “That’s the trouble with people. They analyze things to death—always looking for answers. Quite honestly, sometimes there are no answers, Jana. Like with Rob and this situation. Do you really suppose you’ll find an answer to why he left? Why he was willing to forsake his vows and run away with his secretary?”

“Yes—I need answers. I need to understand why.”

“But that may never come. Can you move forward anyway? I never got the answers I needed either, but I learned to get on with my life.”

“But you were never happy. Hearing the truth might be painful, but at least I’d know and then I might have some understanding.”

“Understand what, Jana? That your father wanted nothing to do with you unless you were a boy? That we had to make our way on our own?”

“But why? Why did my father only want a son? Why did having a daughter cause him to walk away from his marriage vows?”

Eleanor looked away. “There are too many
why
’s in life. It’s better to ignore them. Sooner or later you’ll understand this.”

“But my father didn’t want me!”

“Well, mine did want me and it still didn’t make life good!” Eleanor declared a little louder than Jana expected.

They fell silent then, each retreating to the safe haven within that they’d created for themselves. Jana had a million questions she wanted to ask. It was strange after all these years that now, here in this place, she should finally have the chance to speak her mind. And yet something held her back.

Maybe it was the way her mother looked so childlike . . . so lost.
She looks like I feel,
Jana thought.
She looks like the world has completely betrayed her and she doesn’t know how to go on.
Yet here was a woman who prided herself in her strength and ability to need no one.