What It Is (16 page)

Aron hugged me tight. “Thank you so much, Sarah, thank you so much for giving me another son,” he whispered into my ear.

Aron and I made sure to involve Ryan as much as possible during the entire pregnancy. It was our worst fear that Ryan would feel replaced, the same way I felt when Mom and Richard had Emily. Luckily, our fears were for nothing; Ryan was overjoyed at the prospect of being a big brother and helped me out around the house so much when I was pregnant that looking back now, I really don’t know what I would have done without him.

Aron and I welcomed our son Evan into the world on February 2, 2007 at 2:27 in the afternoon. When I held Evan for the first time in my arms and saw his precious little face, his blue eyes, his sprinkling of blond hair, and heard his cry for the first time I felt a love like I had never felt before. I thought I knew love because I loved Aron and Ryan. I knew what love felt like, but I had never felt anything like this, and all I wanted to do was hold Evan forever and never let him go.

Emily, who had been at the hospital throughout the entire labor and birth, leaned over me and kissed the top of Evan’s head. “He’s beautiful, Sarah,” she said. “I’m so proud of you.”

I looked up at Emily and thought of Mom and of how she would feel if she laid her eyes upon this beautiful child Aron and I had created. I wondered if seeing Evan would make her feel the love I felt and force her to remember one time during her life when she had felt that way about me.

“Emily, I want you to call Mom.”

Emily looked at me in shock. “Sarah, you just had a baby and you want me to call Mom?”

I nodded and stroked the top of Evan’s little head. “I think I would like to introduce her to her first grandson.”

“Sarah,” Emily continued, “I didn’t even tell Mom that you were pregnant because you didn’t want me to. I don’t know how she is going to react when I tell her this.” Aron came into the hospital room with a cup of ice and a jug of water. “Aron, did Sarah tell you that she wants me to call Mom?” Emily asked.

Aron set the cup and jug down on the pullout table next to me, took Evan out of my arms, and rocked him gently. “Maybe you’re still loopy from the epidural?” he asked me softly. Evan started to whimper and I held out my arms and took him back from Aron.

I knew it sounded crazy, especially since I’d just had Evan a few hours before, but when I held my little Evan in my arms and felt that rush of love like I had never felt before, I immediately wanted Mom to feel the way I felt. I was certain that there had to be a time in Mom’s life when she felt that sort of love toward me and maybe, just maybe, if she saw Evan, she would be reminded of that one time in her life when she loved me.

Aron smiled down at Evan and looked at me with concern in his eyes. “Sarah,” he asked, “why would you be talking about something like this on one of the happiest days in our lives? Why does everything have to turn into something about your mom?”

“Because,” I said firmly, pressing Evan close to my chest, “she has to feel love
somewhere
in her soul, and maybe our little boy will bring that out of her.” I looked up at Emily. “Emily, I’ve
never
felt love like this before, and don’t you think it means something that the moment I felt that love, I thought of Mom?”

“I don’t know what it means, Sarah, but if you want me to call,” Emily paused and looked up at Aron, “then I’ll call.”

Aron sucked in his breath. “Fine, Sarah, if you want Emily to call your mom and tell her that you just had a baby, that’s fine. But I’ll tell you one thing, that woman will not be allowed around my son unless we are both in the room.” He shook his head and picked Evan up and walked around the room with him as Emily took out her cell phone and dialed Mom’s phone number.

“Hey, Mom?” Emily looked at me nervously. “You’ll never guess where I’m at right now.” After a brief pause, she exclaimed, “I’m in the hospital with Sarah, Aron, and your newborn grandson.”

The moment Emily referred to Evan as
Mom’s
grandson, I started to regret my decision.
He’s not hers!
I thought angrily.
He’s mine and she’s lucky that I allowed her to find out about him.

“They named him Evan,” Emily continued. “No, I don’t know where they got the name from, I think they just liked the way it sounded.”

Oh, what’s wrong with his name? Is that something you can make fun of or something?
I was about to tell Emily to hang up the phone when I heard her say, “So, do you want to talk to her?”

My heart skipped a beat and I started to chew my nails nervously; I hadn’t talked to Mom in over sixteen years and had always dreamed of the day I would talk to her again and be able to give her a piece of my mind. But this phone call was not the right time for that; this was about Evan, not about the past.

I took a deep breath and held out my hand to take Emily’s cell phone and speak to Mom when she said, “Oh, you don’t? Um…ok, I guess I’ll call you later.” Emily hung up the phone, looked at me sadly, and said, “She said she isn’t ready to talk to you yet.”

“NOT READY!” I yelled. Aron came back into the room and Evan started crying. “Not ready?” I repeated softly as Aron began rocking Evan again until he calmed down. “Are you telling me that you just called Mom and told her that she had a grandson and she isn’t
ready
to talk to me about it?” I threw my hands up in the air. “I’m DONE,” I announced with conviction.

“If you just would have listened to me, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now,” Aron said and handed Evan back to me. “Look at him, look at that child! It’s her loss, Sarah, now just shut that door and focus on our family and our beautiful baby boy.”

I nodded and looked up at Emily. “You tell that bitch the next time you see her or talk to her or whatever mother daughter things you two do that she will never touch or hold her grandson.” I said. Emily started gathering her things to leave as I continued, “And you make sure to tell her how beautiful Evan is and how lucky he is to have such a wonderful mother like me!”

Emily came to the side of my bed and gave me a hug. “I’ve got to get home,” she said. “If it means anything to you,
I
think he’s beautiful and I can’t wait to see him again.”

I squeezed Emily tightly and kissed her cheek. “I know you love him, sweetheart, and I love you so much for that. But,” I continued, “you better make sure you tell Mom what a wonderful mother I am. You make sure she understands that Evan was born to someone who wanted him and who loves him and who won’t beat him!” I knew the odds of Emily actually saying that to Mom were slim, but I could have hope. I felt terrible putting Emily in the middle of Mom and me again, but if Mom was too much of a coward to speak to me, how else was I going to communicate my thoughts to her?

Emily walked over to Aron and gave him a hug and gently rubbed the top of Evan’s head with her fingertips, blew me a kiss, and walked out the door. Aron got up, handed Evan back to me, and sat next to me on the hospital bed.

“Look at him, Sarah, look at what we made! It doesn’t matter if your mom loves Evan or not or if you think that if she sees Evan, she will suddenly love you again. What matters is us and our family and you need to focus on being the best mom to Evan that you can be.” He kissed the top of my head and softly stroked Evan’s cheek. “I love you, Ryan loves you, my family loves you, and now we have Evan. That’s all you should need.”

As I was about to open my mouth to tell Aron how much I loved him at that moment, I heard a male voice bellow, “So, why didn’t you name him Sam?”

I looked around Aron and saw Sam, Carol, and Ryan standing at my hospital room door with balloons, stuffed animals, and gift bags.
There’s my family
, I thought as they came into my room talking and laughing and high-fiving Aron. For the first time in a long time, I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed.
Oh, God, please help me be a good mom to Evan. Please help me fill the darkness in my heart with the light that this child has brought to us. And finally, please God, please help Evan accept me for all of my faults and love me as much as I love him. Amen.
I opened my eyes and took in scene around me and saw all of the love surrounding me and I realized that my prayers had already been answered because the love and the light I was searching for were right in front of me.

Aron and I took Evan home two days later; my doctor had decided to keep me an extra day in the hospital to monitor my kidney activity and make sure it was still functioning properly after childbirth. Once my tests came back clear and my doctor was satisfied that it was safe for me to leave, we packed Evan up into his little car carrier and took him home. I spent the next two weeks learning how to take care of my newborn son and recovering from childbirth. I was surprised to feel so overwhelmed when Aron went back to work but I couldn’t help how I felt because I didn’t know the first thing about changing diapers, making formula, or eating schedules. I would wring my hands and break down into tears when I couldn’t figure out how to get Evan to stop crying and beg him to tell me what I was doing wrong. I was so afraid of hurting Evan or Evan feeling pain that every time I heard a cry out of his mouth, I would overreact and try to do too many things at once to calm him down, which ended up just making him more upset and make me feel more helpless. Aron knew I was frustrated, and when he was home in the evening, he and Ryan would take Evan and go to the park or take him outside for an hour so I could have the time to sleep and recuperate from my emotional day.

There were many times during those first couple of weeks when I wondered if Mom felt as helpless when I was a baby as I did at times with Evan.
Maybe that’s why she hit me; she didn’t know what to do with me when I cried and she was frustrated.
I was lucky; I had a great support network with Aron, Ryan, Sam, Carol, Emily, and my college friends. I had a wonderful group of people to turn to for advice and support when I thought I couldn’t handle Evan’s crying anymore.
Did Mom have anybody?
I would wonder as I fed Evan.
Was she young and alone and scared with no one to turn to?
As I thought and gazed at Evan, I remembered Arthur telling me the story of Mom throwing me down the stairs when I was a newborn and shattering my collarbone because I was crying, and my blood boiled. I couldn’t imagine doing something like that to my precious child, and I knew I would kill anyone who did.

During those little moments with Evan, deep in my own thoughts, I came to the realization that I would never hurt Evan because I was nothing like Mom. She may have given birth to me, but we were nothing alike. The thought of hurting my son would never cross my mind; only someone who was truly sick in the head would hurt a small child the way she hurt me. “Maybe your Aunt Emily was right,” I would coo to Evan. “Maybe your grandma is a little loony!”

A month passed and I became more and more comfortable being a mother to a newborn. I was a pro at diapering, could clean projectile vomit off of any surface in less than a minute, and had already gotten him sleeping through the night. My original plan while I was pregnant had been that I would take six weeks of maternity leave and put Evan into a daycare when I went back to work. The closer it got to my start date, the more I dreaded putting Evan into a daycare and losing my precious time with him. I had waited so long for a love like this that I didn’t want to miss a moment of it sitting behind a desk when I could be with him.

I sat with Aron a couple of weeks before my start date and told him my reservations about returning to work and begged him to help us find a way for me to stay home with Evan.

Aron didn’t think for a moment before answering, “Sarah, I would love for you to stay home and take care of Evan and have that nuclear family. I’ve already been thinking about it, and I have enough commission work to make up for what you would bring home after paying for daycare.” He paused and looked in my eyes. “Are you sure you want to give up your career and everything you worked for to stay at home? I don’t want you to hate me in five years and want to leave me because you feel like you missed out on something.”

I shook my head. “Aron, the moment I laid eyes on that little boy, nothing became more important to me than him. I can’t justify spending ten hours a day away from him just for a measly paycheck. It won’t be permanent anyway,” I continued. “It will just be until he’s in kindergarten, and it’s not like my college degree is going away.”

Aron reached out and squeezed my hand. “We’ll figure it out,” he said. “I don’t want you away from our son either.”

I knew then that I must have proven to Aron and his family that I was a good mother. Aron had told me before we even conceived Evan that he would not hesitate to leave me if he thought I was hurting our child. So when he was willing to go the extra mile to make sure I could spend
more
time with our son, I knew that it was official, I was nothing like Mom and Evan was safe. I sent in my resignation to my employer the next day and started to settle into my new role as a stay-at-home mom.

One evening after dinner Aron and I were sitting on the floor in the living room playing with Evan and his new bouncy seat when the phone rang. Aron checked the caller ID.

“It’s Emily, do you want to take it?” he asked me. I shrugged my shoulders. “Yeah, why not? Maybe she can talk to Evan and make him make sounds or something.” I picked up the receiver. “Hey, want to say hi to Evan?” I asked.

“Sarah?”

I froze. This wasn’t Emily’s voice. I knew this voice; that shrill, fake voice.

“Mom?” I managed to croak.

“Hi! How are you? I’ve thought about you for so long!” Mom exclaimed like she was talking to an old friend from high school.

I couldn’t move or speak; I was dumbstruck that I was hearing
her
voice after so long. My stomach began to twist and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach; I wanted to hang up and run to the toilet and throw up, but then I heard Evan’s coo behind me and my heart softened. I took a deep breath. “I’m fine, Mom, how are you?”