What If You Are a Horse in Human Form (5 page)

I still have the rattle and the fluorite crystal, but I must admit that I have almost never used them. Even under the most favorable conditions (quiet, darkness, and calmness of mind on my part), I find it quite difficult to alter my consciousness to perceive and enter the realm of the Horse Ancestors. On the few occasions when I have achieved this, I did it in complete silence and darkness. Even then, it took several hours to do it each time, and the process was physically as well as mentally tiring. I am simply an “Earthy” horse, and I suspect that it has to do with being a “cold blood” draft horse, as horses in human form who are “hot blood” equines (Arabians, Barbs, Thoroughbreds, etc.) and “warmblood” horses (Morgans, Quarter Horses, Appaloosas, etc.) are usually much more spiritually sensitive and find it much easier to contact the Horse Ancestors.

Nonetheless, I recommend this silent method to horses in human form who wish to contact the Horse Ancestors because it is the same method we use when we are in our natural equine forms (we don’t and can’t use drums or rattles as human shamans do!). Also, this method will not disturb other people in the vicinity. In addition, any horses in human form who are in communities or families that might react with hostility if they revealed their true equine identities can use this silent contact method discreetly.

For those who would like to try using human shamanic techniques to contact the Horse Ancestors, the Foundation for Shamanic Studies (Web Site URL:
www.shamanism.org
) has shamanic drumming CDs and cassette tapes, as well as shamanic drums and rattles. They also offer several books on shamanism (which is a methodology and not a religion, as shamanic techniques are empirical and were discovered and refined through experimentation and practice over thousands of years). Dr. Michael Harner’s book
The Way of the Shaman
contains all of the information that is needed to learn how to conduct the classical shamanic journey using only a shamanic drumming CD or cassette.

The silent contact method that I have used isn’t known only to horses, however. I have corresponded with John Michael Greer, the Grand Archdruid of the Ancient Order of Druids in America, whose headquarters are in Ashland, Oregon (Web Site URL:
www.aoda.org
)
concerning how therianthropes (the Greek term for animals in human form, usually shortened to “therian”) can contact their various equine, feline, lupine, and other species’ spirit ancestors (their species collective spirits or species oversouls, what the British biologist Dr. Rupert Sheldrake refers to as species morphogenetic fields) to learn what their purposes are here in human form.

A few years ago, a wolf in human form contacted Mr. Greer seeking advice on how to contact the spirit ancestors of his species. He suggested two methods, both of which will work. He also told me that: "This can be done by anyone who's in a human body but doesn't belong there, by the way—just change the species." I have reproduced Mr. Greer’s description of the silent contact method below.

"In magical language, the horse in human form is attempting to make contact with the oversoul or overlighting angel of horsekind. That can be done either by ritual, if he has a background in that,
or
by meditation and active imagination if he doesn't. If the horse in human form has a background in ritual, he will know how to make the necessary changes, and if not, Israel Regardie's book
The Golden
Dawn
and my [John Michael Greer's] book
Circles of Power
explain and describe ritual magic in the Western tradition." Here is Mr. Greer's description of the meditation and active imagination method:

"Basically, the process is to relax physically, breathe slowly and rhythmically, and calm the mind. Once there, focus the mind on horsehood as a concept. Keep the mind centered on horse-imagery, horse-ideas, horse-emotions. Through that, without losing touch with it, say inwardly something on the order of, "I invoke the horse oversoul." Repeat it, maintaining the focus on horsehood. Do this for maybe five minutes at a time, then return to calm, relaxation, rhythmic breathing and end the session."

"He may get results at once, or it may take a while—[it's] anyone's guess. Patience is vital. Success will be hard to miss. When he gets in touch with the horse-oversoul, he can ask what his specific purpose is, and likely get at least a partial answer." This meditation/active imagination method is exactly what I have used to contact the Horse Ancestors. I can certainly relate to Mr. Greer’s comment: "Success will be hard to miss." When thoughts, sensations, and images that are
not
your own start flooding into your mind, you
know
you've succeeded!

Beginning in 2005 my back pain became unbearable, and I was later diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS), an autoimmune disease that attacks the spine and joints. It is destroying the discs in my spine and fusing the vertebrae together. The pain is so intense that I must take two morphine pills each day to keep it within tolerable limits.

Before I was diagnosed with AS (the urgent care center physician knew that there was
something
wrong with my spine), I was put on vicodin and much later oxycodone. When they both ceased to be effective, I was put on morphine. While these painkillers do make the pain tolerable, they do so at the price of frequent mental confusion and poor memory. These side effects, along with my general physical deterioration (being bent over, being unable to sleep on a bed, being unable to be physically active due to stiffness and pain), caused me to descend into a deep depression.

Early in 2006, my boss at work severely cut back my hours after I stood up to him over a disagreement. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise, although it certainly didn’t seem that way until more than a year afterward. I became unable to keep up with my house payments, and I knew that before long I would lose my home. I began to yearn to be free from this two-legged existence and to go back to equine form and be with the Horse Ancestors. I contacted Debra Chesnut and told her about my despair and my desire to “jump the fence” back into the realm of the Horse Ancestors. She compassionately and patiently did her best to help me through this rough patch. As Debra told me (in part, as I've reproduced just the highlights from several of her many e-mail messages to me below):

"I hope all is well with you. I have [shamanically] looked in on you and I can see how difficult it is to be in your human body. However, it came through very strongly that now is not the time to leave us. You are to write a book about your life and being a horse, this is how the message is to get out. The book does not have to be a long book, a simple book of your life, messages from the horse people [the Horse Ancestors] and horses. Don't worry, LOTs of people will read it, even if it doesn't go mainstream. There are "people" out there who need to hear what you have to say. You can do this, I know. I will help you in whatever way I can." "There are a lot of horses in human form who are dying to hear from someone like you, to know they aren't alone. Your book won't go mainstream but [will] find its way to the right people. Just trust in that. It will be a very important book. Don't spend money on it. Just write it and the right people will come along to help you get it published. Trust the process. I am with you."

"I also wanted to let you know that this is bigger than just about the Horse Ancestors, it is about all of creation. There are Great Beings involved in this that are beyond Animals or Humans. It was not just the Horse Ancestors that sent that message to you through me, there were the Great Ones, the Angels or Archangels, and Great Beings of Light who actually spoke to me about you as your Horse People stood by them and nodded their agreement. Your task is important for all creation, there is a much bigger picture going on, more than I know or understand, but we all have a part to play. I know it is difficult for you to be here but stay with us for now."

"You need to open your heart and allow the Beings of Light to embrace you. You need to go into the "thy will be done, Lord, not mine," attitude. Not that you give up your free-will, but that you accept your destiny. If you co-operate with creation much can be done and will be done for you. If you agree to your task, arrangements will be made to make that happen. However, there is not the big hurry you may be feeling. DONT start the book or worry about it getting written yet until you feel safe and secure in your life. Time on the other side of the veil is not the same as time is on this side. In your heart accept the task, then get on with getting your finances and living situation together, the Light Beings can read your intent in your heart and they will put their energy to helping you get to a place where you can write it."

"I am glad you have decided to write your autobiography. This is your destiny, this is why your Horse people sent you here. It is what will give meaning to your life. One of the reasons why you are having difficulty with your physical body is that you didn't quite know how to build one. Before we incarnate we hover as a spirit over the developing fetus and give assistance and instructions to the building of the body. But, not knowing really what a human body was all about, you didn't quite know how to do that. It was a start and a learning experience for you. It just reflects your Horseness. I am sorry it is giving you so much pain. I have been asking your horse spirits to help you but they don't quite know what to do about it either. Consequently, I have been sending my own to give you comfort as best they can. Don't forget that you are not alone or abandoned. I have complete faith in you."

I promised the Beings of Light and the Horse Ancestors that I would write the book if they would help me. When Debra told me that I have a task that is important for all creation, that knowledge did not make me feel “special” or “exalted” in any way—to the contrary, it was (and still is) a burden.

During this time I was under a tremendous amount of stress. In addition to my health and money problems, I ran out of heating oil more than once that winter. In March 2006, Debra graciously gave me a $1000 grant from her shamanic organization, the Four Winds Foundation. It did not last long, but it was a great help.

I was still on vicodin (and baclofen, a muscle relaxant) at this time, and due to the pain I was unable to sleep more than five or six hours a night, but this was preferable to unmitigated pain. I was still working, but only 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. By this time, my ebbing physical and mental stamina wouldn’t permit more. This wasn't enough to make the mortgage payments on my house, and I was in danger of being evicted with no place else to go. (I had gotten onto the waiting list for disabled public housing, but was warned that it could take 3 months to a year to get an apartment.) Also, my town government wanted to condemn my 1917-vintage house and demolish it because it didn't comply with even a single requirement of the local building code, so I couldn't even sell it to recover my equity in it. Bringing the house up to code would have cost a fortune, so I could only sell the property after having the house demolished myself (also a prohibitively expensive proposition), which would have left me without a place to live.

On top of all of this, I had had to simultaneously fight with Social Security and the Vocational Rehabilitation Center to establish my disability and secure benefits. My credit card companies had been pestering me too, because they weren’t satisfied with the size of my payments, but I couldn't write checks for money I didn't have. My emotional state had been at a hair trigger for some time, where small things could easily set me off.

With that as the background, here is what happened in the summer of 2006:

On Sunday, August 27, I was actually in a pretty good mood as I left work at 8:30 PM. I had planned to buy fuel and shop at the Fred Meyer grocery store, and I had pre-written two blank checks, one for gasoline and one for groceries. I had accidentally bounced a check to them the previous month, but I had later sent in a payment to cover it.

I walked up to the gasoline sales clerk to make the fuel purchase, but after running the check through the scanner he told me that the check was rejected. I snapped internally at that point. I took back the check, angrily slammed the door of my truck, and drove home determined to end my miserable situation once and for all.

My attitude at that moment was: "To hell with the book and this endlessly frustrating two-legged existence! I want my hooves back RIGHT NOW!" Upon reaching home, I stormed into the house and smashed my computer against the desk, thus destroying the files that I had written for the book. I shouted at the ceiling: "See that, Horse Ancestors?! F**k the book! It's not going to happen!" I got out my vicodin narcotic painkiller pills and baclofen muscle relaxant pills and separated out enough of each to put me to sleep for good. The prospect of dying did not frighten me, but I hesitated when I thought about Heidi. She is my owner, and in this life she was my night manager at work. I knew that she would be devastated when she found out about it, if I went through with it.

However, I still strongly wanted to go. That evening I called my friend John Evans, a 100% disabled Vietnam combat veteran with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder who battles depression and suicidal thoughts every day. He also knew and accepted me as a horse in human form. He suggested that if the suicidal thoughts didn't stop, I should go to the local hospital and request a bed in the psychiatric ward. I managed to resist the urge for the rest of the night.

The next afternoon (Monday) I was still enveloped in a deep gloom. I called Debra Chesnut and told her I just couldn't stand being in human form anymore. She said she would come by the next afternoon and she asked me to hang on, and I promised her that I would.

Tuesday afternoon came and went, but Debra never showed up. That didn't upset me—to the contrary, I felt bad for having drawn her into my problem, as everyone has his or her own problems to deal with. I figured that something big must have come up to detain her.

At about midnight that night, I was standing in my living room when I heard a nondescript voice in my head that quietly said: "Give tomorrow a chance." I gasped in surprise, and then I heard it again: "Give tomorrow a chance." I wondered if Debra had had anything to do with the voice, and then I realized that I was pretty tired, so I decided to go to sleep on the couch. "I can always go back tomorrow," I said to myself.

I was awakened at about 10:30 AM the next morning (Wednesday) by a thump in my arctic entrance (my front vestibule). Stepping out there a while later, I squinted down at a package on the floor that bore an unfamiliar Miami Beach return address. Opening it, I found two novels and a hand-written Thank-You note from Edna Buchanan, the famous crime novelist. The novels were
The Corpse
Had a Familiar Face
and
Cold Case Squad
, and she had handwritten a nice dedication to me in the front of the latter book. Then I remembered with some satisfaction that two months earlier, I had answered Ms. Buchanan's extensive questions about Alaska (her latest novel at that time was set here) after my old boss, Jack Horkheimer (Director of the Miami Space Transit Planetarium) had referred her to me.

My uplifted mood didn't last long, however, and soon the gloom rolled in again. I recalled that I had an appointment with my physical therapist at the pain clinic that afternoon, so I shrugged and went over to the clinic. I was also feeling down because I was in pain and I didn't think my doctor at the pain clinic would prescribe more vicodin because it is a narcotic and potentially habit-forming (he had put me on the muscle relaxant baclofen, which didn't help at all). I asked Jim Pasek, the physical therapist, if he thought that Dr. Marc Slonimski might put me back on vicodin (it had been prescribed by another clinic, the local urgent care center). He thought it was possible, so afterward I set up an appointment. Dr. Slonimski’s assistants said it would be no problem at all, which turned out to be the case.

Feeling slightly better after this, I figured I might as well stop by at the Alaska state public assistance office. I didn't think I would qualify for any kind of aid because I was still working. I was the last one served, with just minutes to go before their office closed at 4:30 PM. I didn't think I'd get the rather thick application booklet filled out in time, but I did—with just moments to spare. The desk clerk asked me about my income and health as I filled it out, and I was happily stunned to hear that I was eligible for just about all of the Alaska state aid programs that were relevant to my case, even food stamps. He could have knocked me over with a feather!

Buoyed by this development, I decided to check my e-mail from the library, to at least clear out my spam folder if nothing else. In my e-mail inbox was a message from Kip Mistral, an equestrian author with whom I had been corresponding for a few months. In it she asked how I was doing. I sent her a brief reply that mentioned my mental state and the computer-smashing incident. Her message was dated August 27 (3 days previous), so I didn't expect a reply before my one-hour reserved online session ended. Five minutes before my time was up, Kip replied and asked for my home address so that she could send me an extra laptop computer she had! She refused to accept any compensation, and I thanked her profusely. I am writing this book on that laptop computer right now.

It was a strange and wonderful day—it was as if I had won the lottery over and over again! The next day, I called Debra Chesnut. Before she could say anything else, I asked her: "Did you do something yesterday?" She laughed and said, "Why yes, I did! I performed a shamanic ceremony last night and contacted your Horse Ancestors. I told them you badly needed their help and asked them to assist you." I then told her what had happened, and she chuckled, "Yes, that's how your people helped you and lifted your spirits.” She apologized for being indisposed on Tuesday, as her son was about to get on a plane to leave for school in Ireland when his housing arrangements fell through at the last minute. Due to the time zone difference between Ireland and Alaska, she had had a difficult time contacting them over there. I suggested that he could stay inexpensively at a youth hostel until he found new housing, and she thanked me for the tip.

If a simple, barefoot Shire draft horse like me could be so blessed, who knows what blessings are in store for you when you need them? An additional blessing turned up later, when I remembered that I had printed out all of the files for the book as well as my e-mail correspondence with Debra. By the next May everything had fallen into place, and I had Social Security Disability and Alaska state benefits, disabled housing, and both Medicaid and Medicare.