What if I Fly? (25 page)

“Mama, can I have my juice?” Liam runs up and flings his arms around her. She can’t breathe, just nods her head and fishes the juice box out of her bag.

“Here you go, baby. Go play.”

They sit in absolute silence for a few minutes, and Ellie finally speaks.

“Julia,” she whispers. “What’s his name?” Julia’s quiet, can feel the blood draining from her face. Ellie grabs her hand, squeezing it firmly, “What’s my nephew’s name?”

“Liam,” Julia wipes a tear from the corner of her eye, and turns to Ellie, her face distressed, “His name is Liam.”

Ellie wraps her arms around Julia and they hold each other tight.

Their children are playing together in the sandbox a few feet in front of them, fast friends.

“I can’t believe this. I have a nephew. Will told me about your time in Verona. That’s when it happened?”

“Yes. I didn’t know I was pregnant for a few months.”

“Why didn’t you call Will? Tell him you were having his baby?”

“What would be the point?” She looks down at her hands, her face sad.

“The point? Julia! He has a child! Doesn’t he have the right to know that?” Ellie asks, her voice incredulous, “How can you even ask that?”

“Ellie, I prayed every night he’d make peace with his demons, leave Avery and find me. And then I found out he married her. I knew he’d never leave her. He thinks he owes her something.”

“What are his demons, Jules? Why does he feel like he owes Avery anything?”

Julia bites her lip. She shouldn’t have said that. If Will wanted Ellie to know, he would have told her.

“Please tell me Julia, I’ve been banging my head against a wall for the past six years trying to figure out why my brother would marry someone he doesn’t love. Please.”

Oh, to hell with it!
She’s tired of being the keeper of Will’s secret. Maybe Ellie can help him in some way with this information. Who knows? She hesitates for another minute.

“He got Avery pregnant in college.”

“What?” Ellie gasps.

“She had an abortion and apparently had a nervous breakdown shortly after. Will blames himself.”

Ellie sits back on the bench, running her fingers through her hair.

“Why didn’t he ever tell me? I’ve been trying to figure out what hold Avery has on him for years…Now I know…” she pauses, shaking her head. “Avery’s playing my brother. He’s being manipulated by that bitch.”

“Shhh…” Julia pats her hand, “The kids!”

Ellie slaps her hand over her mouth and turns to her.

“Jules, I’ve known Avery since we were kids. She’s a lying, manipulative, piece of shit,” Ellie pauses, gritting her teeth. “The things I used to hear about my lovely sister-in-law in high school! The girl couldn’t keep her legs together, and her partying was out of control. What possessed my brother to ever date her I’ll never know! If she went off the deep end it had nothing to do with Will, nothing to do with an abortion. Shit! I’ve heard through the grapevine she’s had more than one!”

This isn’t exactly news to Julia. Avery’s been manipulating Will since the moment she came back into his life. It was clear to everyone but Will.

“He needs to know about Liam, Julia,” Ellie sighs. “He’s missing out on his son’s life.”

“No!” she sits up, grabbing Ellie’s hands. “He can’t know.”

“Why, Jules?” Ellie shakes her head, “I don’t understand why you would keep Liam from his father!”

“Not while Avery’s a part of his life. I don’t want her anywhere near my son, Ellie. She’s poisonous!”

Ellie stares ahead at the kids playing together.

“I can’t blame you for not wanting to expose Liam to Avery. She’s a bitch…but my brother! He wants a child so desperately…”

“Ellie, look at me. If he finds out, I’ll disappear. I’ll take my son back to Europe to keep him away from that woman.”

Ellie nods, rubbing her hands over her eyes. Liam, Aidan, Ryan, and Caitlin run toward them.

“We’re hungry!”

“I can order pizza,” Julia offers. “We live just down the road.”

She wants to make sure Ellie understands that she’s serious. She’d disappear before she’d let Avery get anywhere near Liam.

Later that evening, after the kids devoured their pizza, Julia sets them up in the living room to watch
The Lion King
.

She pours the grownups a glass of wine while Ellie carries the plates into the kitchen, then sits across from her at the dining room table.

“Will’s not the same person anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Julia frowns and Ellie takes a sip of wine.

“After he left you in Verona, he became a different person. It’s like something died in him. He’s cold, aloof. He won’t get close to anyone, even me.” Ellie shakes her head, “He shut me out, Jules. My twin brother hardly talks to me anymore.”

“But you were so close…” Julia says, her eyes wide.

“He’s a very unhappy person,” Ellie drinks her wine, her eyes brimming with tears.

“I am so sorry to hear that.” She leans forward and takes Ellie’s hand, “I love him Ellie, I’ll always love him. It pains me to hear that, truly. He’s given me so much joy.” She looks at Liam and smiles, “I hope Will realizes he deserves happiness. He’s such a good man.”

Ellie wipes her eyes and nods, “Me too.”

They both sit back and watch the children. Caitlin and Ryan are asleep on the couch, and Liam and Aidan are lying on cushions on the floor together.

“I won’t tell Will about Liam, though it breaks my heart to think of him missing out on his son’s life. Promise me you won’t keep him away from me, or his cousins.”

“I promise, and Ellie…thank you.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, hugging Will’s sister to her, “You’re welcome here anytime.”

Ellie has stopped by with and without the kids several times over the past few weeks. At first, Julia thought it’d be awkward spending time with Will’s sister, but that’s not the case. They were friends outside of her relationship with Will, and they are again. Last Friday, they enjoyed a child-free girls night out, laughing and talking into the early hours of morning.

There hasn’t been time to make friends in the area, she’s only been back in the States for three months and is just getting settled in. So, other than the time Julia spends with the neighborhood moms at the park, she hasn’t made any real friends.

Gabby lives in Mystic, Connecticut with her husband and has a thriving private practice. She’s always busy and Julia’s only seen her three times since her return, though they talk on the phone at least once a week. It’s nice to spend time with someone who understands her past and her present.

Earlier today, Ellie stopped by on her way to the zoo, hoping Julia and Liam could join them on their latest adventure. Julia was frazzled, unsuccessfully trying to entertain Liam while doing research for an article. Her son wants to be outside, playing with other children and she’d love to oblige, but she can’t!

He was driving her insane with his whining, before Ellie arrived on her doorstep like Mary Poppins, and magically made it all better. Ellie offered to take Liam so she could work without interruption for a few hours and Julia almost cried with gratitude.

A couple of hours later, in need of her mid-afternoon caffeine pick me up, she walked to the neighborhood Starbucks, research packet in hand, and found a table tucked away in the corner where she could drink her coffee and begin to write her article.

Thankfully, it was a short walk, it’s brutally hot outside today.
I can’t imagine the kids will last much longer at the zoo in this heat
, she thinks, picking up her phone to check in with Ellie. Before she dials, she catches a glimpse of a familiar face across the crowded room and freezes in her chair, her heart leaping in her chest.

Sitting in one of the leather chairs by the fake fireplace, just a few yards away, is Will, reading the newspaper. Something so ordinary, something she’s seen him do hundreds of times in the past. But she’s never seen him read the paper wearing a ring.

The glint of light reflecting off his wedding band hypnotizes her for several minutes.

The last time she saw him, they were in bed in Verona. She closes her eyes, flooded with memories of their last night together, the night they made Liam…and the years she’s spent raising their child alone.

Fueled with emotions ranging from love to anger, regret, shame, joy and concern, Julia rises from her chair, a woman possessed, and squeezes through the crowded coffee shop, until she’s standing beside him, her hand resting on his shoulder.

Will looks up from the paper and almost spits out his coffee, their eyes meeting for the first time in almost six years. She can’t look away, no matter how hard her heart pounds against her ribcage, she’s in some sort of trance.
I’m dreaming right now,
she thinks.
If I close my eyes he’ll disappear
.

“Hi,” she says, softly.

Will rises and takes both of her hands in his, and her knees almost buckle beneath her.

They return to her table and sit across from one another in awkward silence while Julia collects her papers, trying to think of something appropriate to say.
I had your baby, Will. He just turned five. I’ve missed you so much. Why didn’t you come find me?

She can’t say what she’s thinking, and although she knows the answer to this question, she asks, “How’s your father, Will? The last time we spoke his health was improving.”

“You remember that?”

“Of course I do.”
Do I remember that? Doesn’t he know how much he meant to me? Still means to me?
“Will, I remember everything about our time together.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Will stares absently out the window and Julia studies him. He’s aged considerably and looks older than his thirty-two years. Unhappiness is a heavy cloak weighing him down. She can see why Ellie is so concerned about him.

“Will, are you all right?”

“No, Jules…I’m not. I haven’t been for a long time.”

Is this somehow my fault?
she wonders.
Could I have helped him in some way?
She wants to take away his sadness, wants him to be happy. But what can she do?

“Come with me.” Julia rises and holds out her hand to him, “Come on. I’m driving your car.”

For the next hour, they lay on the dock at India Point Park. She discovered this spot last week while on a walk with Liam. Julia eases naturally into the crook of Will’s arm and rests her arm around his waist, her head against his chest and listens to his heartbeat.

His arms encircle her and she’s transported to a simpler time, when they were carefree kids lying on the dock at Rockwell Park.

But time has passed and they aren’t the same people they were nine years ago. She can’t forget that, no matter how good…how right it feels to be in his arms again.

“You have to look for the joy in life, Will,” she says against his chest. “Sometimes it’s the little things that get me through the day.”

Just as she’s about to drift off, comfortable and safe in his arms, and wrapped in a fantasy about the road not taken, her cell phone beeps, jolting her back to the present.

I’m a mother. Will is married to another woman.

She sits up, and reads the text message from Ellie:
We’re back. Where r u?
Grateful for this dose of reality, Julia types:
Be there in 10.

“I have to get going, Will.”

He pulls her to her feet and tucks a curl behind her ear, just the way he used to, his fingers lingering against her cheek, sending shivers down her spine. She wants to kiss him,
God how I want him!

Their eyes connect for a long moment but she can’t do this. She can’t be the other woman. It takes all the strength she has to say no, slowly shaking her head. Will nods and they return to his car, tightly gripping each other’s hands.

She doesn’t want to leave him, but she has to. His son is waiting for her at home. As he pulls into the parking lot, she swallows hard and tries to sound cheerful.

“No goodbyes.” She leans in and kisses his cheek, “I’ll see you.”

It’s a five-minute walk home, and she fights to keep her emotions in check, but as soon as Julia sees Ellie, she bursts into tears.
She didn’t want to leave him. She never wants to leave him.

Worried, Liam wraps his arms around her waist and tries to soothe her, which only makes her feel worse.
What kind of mother am I?
She tries to collect herself and kneels down to comfort him, but as soon as she looks into her son’s eyes she crumbles.
He looks just like Will
, she thinks, sobbing.

Ellie grabs Julia’s keys and herds the kids into the playroom, then lifts Julia off the sidewalk and practically carries her into the house. She cries into a pillow on the couch and when she finally calms down, Ellie sits beside her, handing Julia a glass of wine.