What if I Fly? (15 page)

Chapter Twelve

The past four months have been grueling for Julia. Her internship at The Cloisters Museum was amazing, challenging, and exhausting, but worth it. They’ve offered her a job as an Associate Curator and as much as she loves it there, she’s declined.

Julia wants to move to DC to be with Will and she has an interview at the Smithsonian the week following graduation.
The Smithsonian!
Working there would be a dream come true.

Only three more weeks to go.

After that horrible night with Avery, Will kept his word and told that woman to stay away. He asked her back the following evening and Julia listened from the next room. Will was surprisingly direct. He said he felt bad about her troubles, but he never wanted to see or hear from her again.

Avery left without a word, however, within a month she was back at it, calling and dropping by his place regularly. Will’s forced to screen his phone calls and check who’s at the door before he answers. She thinks he should get a restraining order…there’s something wrong with that woman.

Julia’s tried to forget what Avery said that night, but it lingers in the back of her mind. She wasn’t entirely wrong. Julia doesn’t fit into the life Will once had, but that’s not the life he’s living now. It’s not the life he wants to ever live again, or so he says.

Avery definitely touched on a nerve, sparking intense feelings of insecurity, an emotion she’s tried to quell since. Is she holding Will back because of her tribe? Would he be better off with one of his own kind? Someone with powerful connections? She’s pretty sure her Uncle Vinny’s mafia ties don’t qualify. What if Will comes to resent her?

Julia’s spent a lot of time mulling this over, and has talked to Will about his hopes for the future. It’s so important they both understand what they’re getting into.
We’ll be living together!
They’re basically agreeing to share their lives…without official documentation.

He doesn’t have great career aspirations, other than to make his father proud. She’s far more ambitious than Will, maybe because she’s always known she’d have to work hard for what she wants in life. He’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter. His trust fund ensures his financial future, whether he works or not. Julia doesn’t have that luxury.

So her question is…
What would make Mr. Kennedy proud?

Unlike so many of his peers, Will’s parents don’t see marriage as a financial or power merger, probably because his dad comes from a background similar to her own parents. She doesn’t see them as an obstacle, they’ve embraced her from the beginning.

She doesn’t know what to do with these feelings of insecurity. Every once in a while she has a panic attack, convinced he’ll leave her for one of his people. She doesn’t doubt Will’s feelings for her… but can those feelings be sustained, long term, in the real world?

He’s been coming to New York almost every weekend, and with her workload, it’s been difficult on them both. This was an important semester and she’s given her internship and her course work her full attention.

All weekend, she writes papers, or studies and Will spends a lot of time alone, either reading on the couch or walking around the city. They knew it would be hard but actually living through it has been much more difficult than either of them expected.              

Julia’s supposed to go to Washington this weekend, her first visit since January, and she’s dreading it. She doesn’t want to spend time at the townhouse, even if Will’s in it. She told him she couldn’t live there, that she wants them to find a place of their own, and he’s agreed. They’ll look for a new place when she moves down to Washington after graduation.

On the last day of her internship, several of her co-workers from The Cloisters ask to take her out for drinks to celebrate, and to try and convince her to take the position she was offered.

Julia’s torn. Last weekend Will was visiting his parents and she didn’t see him. If she doesn’t go to Washington it’ll be the longest they’ve been apart since last summer. Her train leaves in three hours so she agrees to a drink, but insists they pick a bar near Penn Station.

A half-hour before the train leaves, and several cocktails later, she calls Will.

“Baby, I’m not going to make it tonight. I’ve been celebrating with my friends and I’m a little drunk. I don’t think I should travel. And I really need to work on a paper this weekend. Can you drive to New York tomorrow morning? Until finals are done it’s going to be tough to get out of town.”

“Sure, I’ll see you tomorrow around noon,” he sighs, “I love you.”

“Always.”

***

Will hangs up the phone, depressed. The past few months have been really hard. Julia’s pulled away from him. He’s not sure if it’s the amount of pressure she’s under from school and the internship or because of what happened with Avery. She’s preoccupied and when they have sex, the way she looks at him sometimes… like she doesn’t know who he is.

He knows Julia doesn’t trust him completely and he wanted to talk to her about it tonight, but now that’ll have to wait. He doesn’t mind driving to New York tomorrow, what upsets him is she didn’t want to see him tonight, after two weeks apart.
Why didn’t she ask me to drive up tonight?
He loves her and not knowing how she feels is eating away at him.

The Sox are playing the Yankees, so he goes up to the den and pours himself a drink, the first of many. A few hours and a half bottle later, the doorbell rings and his heart leaps in his chest.
Julia changed her mind and took the train after all!

He runs down the stairs, flings the door open and finds Avery standing on his steps with a big grin. He hasn’t spoken to her since January when he told her to stay away. After what she did to Julia it was easier to do than he thought it’d be.

“Avery. You need to go.” His speech is slurred and he tries to close the door, but she slips in and walks into the front foyer.

“Will, are you drunk?”

“Avery you have to go. Now.”

“Let me help you.” She puts her arm around his waist and walks him into the living room. “What are you drinking?”

Will wakes up with a splitting headache, his vision blurred and his mouth bone dry. He reaches for the water bottle he usually keeps on his nightstand, but it’s not there.
Shit. I shouldn’t have had that much to drink.

It’s still dark out but the glow of the streetlight outside his window is making his head pound. He grabs his pillow and pulls it over his head, groaning, then turns onto his side and feels someone beside him.

Julia!

He wraps his arm around her and nuzzles her neck, then freezes.
This isn’t Julia
. He turns on the light and his stomach lurches.
What did I do?

Avery is asleep beside him, naked.
And so am I.
His head is spinning and he runs to the bathroom and vomits.
What happened last night?
He vaguely remembers the doorbell, and telling Avery to leave… and that’s it. He has no memory of the rest of the night.

He sits on the cold tile, his head resting on the porcelain seat.
What am I going to do?

As the sun comes up, Will walks into his bedroom, pulls on his boxers and stares at Avery, his eyes filling with tears.
This is it.
Julia will never forgive him. He’ll never forgive himself.

“Avery,” he shakes her, “Avery!”

She turns onto her back, stretches and smiles.

“Well good morning…” she reaches up to kiss him and he turns away.

“Avery, stop it.”

“Will, what’s wrong?” She looks wounded by his words.

“I want you to leave.” He rests his head in his hands. “Please,” he whispers.

“You didn’t want me to leave last night.” She runs her hand along his back and kisses his shoulder. He flinches, pushing her away.

“I don’t know how this happened…”

“Oh, Will,” Avery bursts into tears. “You said you wanted me. Last night you begged me to stay.”

“I don’t remember anything.”

“I never would’ve stayed if I thought you’d regret it,” Avery sobs.

“I’m sorry but I need you to go. I have a lot to think about.”

“I’ll go,” Avery wipes away her tears and scoots off his bed. “But please call me. I’m so confused.”

He nods his head. Anything to get her to leave.

Once she’s gone, Will stands over his bed, and stares at the imprint of Avery’s head on Julia’s pillow. Filled with anger, he pounds his fist into the pillow, then strips the bed and throws the sheets in the garbage.

He turns on the shower, and makes sure the water’s scalding hot before he steps in, then takes a facecloth and scrubs his skin, trying to wash his sin away.
It’s hopeless
, he slides to the bottom of the tub, holds his head in his hands and cries.

He’s supposed to drive to New York this morning but he can’t do it. If he goes to see Julia, it’s over.
Today.
But if he stays home, he can pretend they’re together for another week.

Around noon, he crawls under his comforter, picks up the phone and calls Julia, his heart heavy.

“Hey! Where are you? I thought you’d be here by now!” her voice is cheerful, affectionate. He swallows hard, holding back his tears.

“I’m sorry, Jules. I’m sick. A stomach thing. I can’t drive.”

“Oh, no! I’ll get on the next train and come take care of you. Bring you some chicken soup and a lot of TLC.”

“No, sweetie, I don’t want you to catch this. The last thing you need in the final stretch is to get sick.”

“I don’t care about that, I miss you so much! Will…I was dreading staying at your house, that’s why I didn’t come down last night. I was a bit drunk, and I do have a paper to work on, but I’m such a jerk, I should’ve just told you. I was afraid all I’d think about was Avery and those things she said. I love you so much and I can’t let her words come between us. I have to let it go. I’m so sorry I didn’t come down last night.”

“Oh, me too baby,” Will wipes his eyes.

He didn’t know what to think. He thought maybe she was falling out of love with him and didn’t want to be around him. She wasn’t avoiding him after all. Julia didn’t want to be reminded of Avery, and now Avery’s come between them permanently.

He could keep this to himself…Julia would never have to know! But he would know, and Julia would sense it… she knows him so well.

“I’ll come up on Friday night. Maybe I can get out of work early,” he murmurs, feeling sick inside, “Jules, I’ve gotta go. My stomach…”

“I love you, Will. Feel better.”

He closes his eyes, holding onto her words.

“I will always love you, Julia.”

He hangs up the phone and runs to the bathroom.

***

It’s happening!
Finals are next week and then she’s done! Julia Grasso will be a college graduate! She can’t wait to see Will tonight. Only two more weeks and they’ll be together everyday, she smiles every time she thinks about it. She has three exams next week and she knows she’ll ace them. The pressure is finally off.

Tonight, Julia has a special celebration planned for the two of them. She hasn’t seen him in three weeks and her body craves his touch. A piece of her is missing when they’re apart.

It’s not just physical…they’re connected on so many levels. She once read that love activates the same parts of the brain as any habit-forming addiction. It makes people feel like they can do anything, be anything, achieve anything. And once they taste it…they want more.

Yeah.
That’s how she feels. She’s a love junkie. She’s addicted to Will.

He’s been so strange on the phone this week. He said he’s not feeling well, but something else is going on, she feels it in her bones. Maybe he’s upset with her for cancelling last weekend? She’s been kicking herself for not going all week, but she senses it’s more than that. She can’t pinpoint it, but she knows something’s wrong, she can hear it in his voice.

She’ll know soon enough. He’ll be walking through the door any minute…

He’s late.

Julia’s been sitting on the couch for hours, watching the minutes tick by at a snail’s pace. She called him around eight, and when he didn’t answer she figured he was on the road and hit traffic. Two hours later, the phone rings and the hairs on her arm stand on end. It has to be Will, and she’s nervous.

On the fourth ring she picks up.

“I’m sorry Jules, I had to work late. I’m not going to make it tonight.”

“Why didn’t you call me hours ago? I could’ve taken the train down.”

“I was really bogged down and lost track of time.”