What I'd Say to the Martians (14 page)

 

(Bleak, frozen wasteland)

 

ANNOUNCER

 

One hundred thousand years ago, a cave man was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then went to law school and became…Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer!

(A thick-skulled cave man
[Phil Hartman]
makes a demonstrative hitting motion with a stone ax. Dissolve to cave man in same pose in courtroom, in Brooks Brothers suit, making similar motion with his hand.)

 

SONG

HE USED TO BE A CAVE MAN

BUT NOW HE’S A LAWYER

UNFROZEN CAVE MAN LAWYER

ANNOUNCER

 

Brought to you by…

(Shot of lovable dog with rifle sight superimposed)

…Dog Assassin. “When you can’t bear to put him to sleep, maybe it’s time to call Dog Assassin.”

(Shot of foot-long pinto bean on a plate)

And by Big Fat Bean. “Why eat hundreds of little beans when you can eat one big one?” And now, tonight’s episode of
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer…

(Courtroom. Cave man lawyer sits at table.

He wears a suit, but still has scraggly hair and thick Neanderthal brow. However, he speaks glibly.
)

 

JUDGE

 

Mister Kee-Rok, are you ready to give your summation?

 

CAVE MAN LAWYER

 

It’s just Kee-Rok, your honor. And yes, I’m ready.
(Approaches jury)
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a cave man. I fell in some ice and then got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me. Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW and run off, into the hills or whatever. When I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder, did little demons get inside and type it? I don’t know. My primitive brain can’t grasp these concepts.

(Judge is annoyed)

 

CAVE MAN LAWYER

 

But I do know this: whatever world you’re from, when a man like my client…

(Client has sad face and phony-looking bandages)

 

CAVE MAN LAWYER

 

…slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, he should receive no less than two million dollars in compensatory damages and two million dollars in punitive damages. Thank you.

(Jury members are impressed)

 

JUDGE

 

The jury will now retire to deliberate.

 

JURY FOREMAN

 

Your honor, we don’t need to retire. Kee-Rok’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We give him the full amount!

(Jury members nod and applaud)

 

JUDGE

 

Did you hear that, Mister Kee-Rok?

(Cave man lawyer is on cell phone)

 

CAVE MAN LAWYER

 

I’m sorry, Your Honor. I was listening to the magic voices coming out of this strange modern invention.

 

ANNOUNCER

 

This has been
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer.
Join us next week for another episode. Here’s a scene…

(Film of airliner. Inside plane, cave man is drunk. He stops a flight attendant carrying several trays.)

 

CAVE MAN LAWYER

 

(drunk)

Stewardess, could you get me another drink?

 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

 

I’m sorry, sir, but the chief steward says you’ve already had enough.

 

CAVE MAN LAWYER

 

But you don’t understand. I’m a cave man. I’m frightened by your strange flying machine. So bring me another Dewar’s and water, pronto.

 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

 

I’m sorry, sir.

(Exits)

 

CAVE MAN LAWYER

 

(after her)

I’ll sue you and your whole goddam airline!

 

ANNOUNCER

 

…Next time, on
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer
!

(Fade)

Broadcast Nov. 23, 1991

 

 

(Head-on shot of a cat [live cat with fake paws] driving a car.)

 

SONG

TOONCES, THE DRIVING CAT

THE CAT WHO COULD DRIVE A CAR

HE DRIVES AROUND

ALL OVER THE TOWN

TOONCES, THE DRIVING CAT!

ANNOUNCER

 

Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car.

(A housewife
[Victoria Jackson]
is cooking as her husband
[Steve Martin]
enters excitedly.)

 

HUSBAND

 

Honey, you won’t believe it! Toonces can drive a car!

 

WIFE

 

Toonces, our cat?

 

HUSBAND

 

That’s right! Come on, I’ll show you!

(Car driving on a mountain road. Sound of swerving tires. Inside car, a cat puppet is “driving” the car. Husband and wife sit alongside.)

 

HUSBAND

 

See, I told you he could drive.

 

WIFE

 

Toonces, look out!

(Stock footage of car going over a cliff and crashing) (Husband and wife, hair and clothes mussed, stagger over to a log and sit.)

 

WIFE

 

I thought you said he could drive!

 

HUSBAND

 

I thought he could. I saw him up there fooling around with the steering wheel, and I guess I just
assumed
he could drive.

 

WIFE

 

That’s okay, honey. Anybody would think that.

(Sound of car starting up and driving off)

 

HUSBAND

 

Hey, look! He’s driving away!

 

WIFE

 

I guess he can drive.

 

HUSBAND

 

Yeah. Just not very well.

 

SONG

HE DRIVES AROUND

ALL OVER THE TOWN

TOONCES, THE DRIVING CAT!

ANNOUNCER

 

Next on
Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car
: “The Driving Test.”

(Wife is cooking as husband frets)

 

WIFE

 

Do you think Toonces will pass his driving test?

 

HUSBAND

 

I don’t know. The written part is pretty hard. And he can’t even read.

 

WIFE

 

Maybe he’ll make it up on the driving part.

 

HUSBAND

 

Damn, I just wish I could help him!

(Police officer
[Kevin Nealon]
in the front seat of car. Toonces is behind the wheel)

 

POLICEMAN

 

(to cat)

All right, sir, if you’ll just go ahead and pull out into traffic…

(Car suddenly accelerates)

 

POLICEMAN

 

LOOK OUT!!!

(Car flies off cliff)

 

SONG

 

TOONCES, THE DRIVING CAT!

(Fade)

Broadcast May 20, 1989

 

 

(Three exuberant young people chase a hard rubber ball down a suburban sidewalk. They are having way too much fun. Boing-boing-boing sound effects. Ventures guitar music.)

 

YOUNG WOMAN

 

(excited)

It’s happy!

 

YOUNG MAN

 

It’s fun!

 

ALL THREE

 

It’s Happy Fun Ball!

(Super: Happy Fun Ball)

 

ANNOUNCER

 

Yes, It’s Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that’s sweeping the nation!

(Product shot of Happy Fun Ball. Flashing “$14.95”)

 

ANNOUNCER

 

Only fourteen ninety-five, at participating stores! Get one today!

(Super the following warnings as announced:)

 

ANNOUNCER

 

(more serious)

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under ten should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

…Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

…Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.

…Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete…. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

 

 

• Itching
  
• Vertigo
  
• Dizziness
  
• Tingling in extremities
  

 

 

(Super turns to crawl:)

 

 

• Loss of balance or coordination
  
• Slurred speech
  
• Temporary blindness
  
• Sudden hair loss
  
• Chattering teeth
  
• Heart palpitations
  

 

 

(Super:)

…If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.

…Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

…When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.

…Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

…Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes in Iraq.

…Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

…Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

(happier)

Happy Fun Ball!

(Super: Happy Fun Ball)

…Accept no substitutes!

(Fade)

Broadcast Feb. 16, 1991