What I Didn't Say (15 page)

They put me on antibiotics, but it was going to take nearly a week for my system to recover.

Dr. Calvin said if I hadn’t been pushing myself so hard at basketball practice I wouldn’t have gotten so bad.  He ordered me to sit out the rest of the season. 

That was it for sports for me for the rest of my high school life.

I started blocking it all out, shutting down as the days in the hospital rolled by.  No one came to visit that time, being too in the middle of things and too busy with life.  I was glad they didn’t.  I just wanted to be alone and zone out the entire world.

Seven days before Thanksgiving I was finally released.  Mom had been given a handful of prescriptions for me, had been the only one that paid enough attention to know what to do with them.  My psychologist had come to visit three times since I was readmitted.  I didn’t say much, just the things I knew I would need to say to not be kept there longer for psychological evaluation.

I went straight to my room when we got home and didn’t talk to a single one of my brothers or sisters.

It felt like this was never going to end.  The world wasn’t going to stop crashing down until there was nothing left of me but dust.

Nothing to look forward to…

Something snapped inside of me after my last hospital visit.  That screen I’d placed over my head disappeared and I let myself drown.  I let myself wallow, let me feel sorry for myself, let me hate myself.  I let myself hate Carter for crashing the truck, hated Rain for convincing me to go tell Sam I loved her that night.  Let myself hate Sam for the fact that I did love her. 

Everyone backed off those slow two days of school before Thanksgiving break.  Carter and Rain ignored me after the first day.  River had even tried talking to me once, but I didn’t think I’d even responded to her.  Sam kept trying to persist, to tell me things weren’t that bad.  But I didn’t listen to her.

How could life be worse?

I sat across from Sam during our ASL class, staring off into nothing.  She was pretending I was listening, showing me some new sign we hadn’t gone over before.  Our red notebook sat between us, untouched for nearly two weeks.  I was thinking about how if we hadn’t all gotten caught for drinking the night of my accident, if the accident never would have happened, the football team might have had the chance to be playing at state that weekend.

If my body didn’t have the weakness of a five-year-old, I would still be able to play on the basketball team.

“Jake!” Sam finally yelled.  “Did you lose your ability to hear too?”

My eyes suddenly jumped to her face.  I’d never heard Sam sound so mad and she’d only spoken a single sentence.

“What is wrong with you?” she demanded, her eyes blazing.  She looked pissed.  “You’ve been acting like a total douche since you got out of the hospital.  I understand life kind of sucks for you right now, but you need to get over yourself and stop feeling so sorry for yourself.”

My insides hardened as I glared at her.

You don’t say stuff like that to people like me.

I just grabbed my stuff, shoved it back into my backpack and walked out of the room.  I stalked through the silent, empty halls, straight out the front doors and into my car.  I threw my backpack into the back seat, my books exploding out of it.  Slamming the door behind me, I started the car and went peeling out of the parking lot.

Not having anywhere in mind that I wanted to go, I just drove.  The slow speeds pissed me off as I went down the narrow winding roads.  Forty just wasn’t fast enough.  I tore passed the Corner Store, rocketed past the lake in Moran State Park.  Soon I was passing Café Olga and the Doe Bay resort.  I pulled off onto a dirt road.  I didn’t care that I was trespassing on private property.  I lucked out, the dirt driveway dead ended just before the water, at an empty lot.  The land sloped toward the water before breaking away to the ocean. 

I climbed out of the car, leaving the keys in the off position in the ignition, and walked out to the dock that stretched out over the water.

Fall had returned in full force, the sky cloudy, mist sitting on the top of the ocean water.  Off in the distance I could just make out the other islands that blocked the view to the mainland.

I wanted to scream as I stood there, my toes hanging over the edge of the dock.  I wanted to let a gut wrenching howl rip from my disfigured throat toward those clouded skies.  I wanted to say every swear word my mother had ever taught me not to say. 

I would have settled for a cut off whimper, just as long as some kind of sound came from my lips.

I sank to my knees, my pants instantly growing moist from the dock.  I fell forward onto my palms and eventually sank my forehead to my knees, clutching my hair with enough force I was surprised I wasn’t ripping it out.

Tomorrow was Thanksgiving.  Tomorrow my Hayes grandparents would come up from Tacoma, my dad’s sister, Aunt Tally would bring her three kids.  Our house would be filled with the scent of a million dishes, we’d all sit around our gigantic dining table, and before we’d eat we’d each say just one thing we were grateful for.

Sitting there on that dock by myself, I didn’t feel like I had anything to be grateful for that year.  Or ever.

Still nothing…

Will there ever be anything ever again…?

I didn’t go home until after eleven that night.  My parents were totally freaking out, on the verge of calling the police to come look for me.  Dad really ripped me a new one.  I had just stood there emptily and taken it.

Thanksgiving morning dawned gray and dark, threatening to rain at any moment.  I just lay on my bed for a long time, looking out the window, not thinking or feeling anything.

The door creaked open and Mom popped her head inside.  I could hear the sound of Grandma and Grandpa outside, along with Aunt Tally and the kids.

“Jake?” she said cautiously, not fully coming into the room.  “I forgot to grab a few things for dinner tonight, would you mind running down to The Market for me and grabbing them?  If not I could send Jordan.”

I sat up, rubbing a hand over my hair that was sticking up in all directions.  I shook my head and reached for a notebook.

No,
I wrote. 
I’ll go.

“Thanks sweetie,” she said, her face breaking out into a relieved smile.  I was surprised when her eyes suddenly started watering, turning red.  Before I could write
what’s wrong?
she crossed the room and wrapped her arms around me.

“We have a lot to be grateful for this year, Jake,” she said, her voice filled with emotion.  “I know it’s hard, but don’t forget that.”

She stepped away from me, a few loose tears rolling down her cheeks.  She placed a kiss on my forehead and I tried to return the smile.  I didn’t think I managed it though.  Mom handed me a list and then walked back out.

I pulled clothes on in a weird slow motion, not really feeling like I was in my body.  Someone else’s legs were sliding into those jeans.  Someone else was pulling on that jacket and putting on those shoes.

Not even really thinking about it, I slid the window open and climbed through it.  I didn’t really feel like seeing everyone at the moment.  Closing the window behind me, I crossed the dewy grass to my car.

Island Market was a small grocery store and you couldn’t help running into people you knew there, even on Thanksgiving morning.  Or maybe especially on Thanksgiving morning. I ran into Officer Ryan, the police officer who found Carter, Rain, and me after the accident.  I ran into Ms. Sue.  I even caught a glimpse of Kali from across the store at the checkout, though I didn’t actually talk to him.

I got the things from Mom’s list and loaded them into the backseat of the car.  I was just headed out of the parking lot when I saw Sam walking around the corner.  By that point it had started to misty rain and no one would be walking around without an umbrella, but for some reason Sam was, her hair growing damp.

I turned left instead of right to follow her.  It didn’t take long to find her as she walked down the sidewalk.  I slowed down as I drove along side of her and rolled down the window.  She walked with a brown paper bag in one hand, a book in the other that her nose was glued to.

Looking around for something to get her attention, I settled on a pen and threw it at her.  It hit the brown paper bag she was carrying and made her jump in surprise.  Looking around, she finally saw me through the window.  I waved her over, pulling over half-way into a parking lot.

She looked over at me, glancing back the way she had come.  I could tell she was debating on just walking away.  I couldn’t blame her after the way I had been acting for the last week.  Finally she crossed the street and walked around the car.  She opened the passenger door and sank into the seat, her bag dropping to the floor by her feet.

“What do you want Jake?” she practically spat.  “Shouldn’t you be at home with your family right now?”

I pointed to the shopping bags in the backseat and fished around for a notebook and a pen.  I unearthed a pen, but without finding even a single notebook, I settled for my arm.

Shouldn’t you?
I wrote.

Sam’s eyes lingered on my words for a long moment, her entire frame stiffening.  I thought I saw her eyes redden just a little bit.

Sad realization hit me.

Your mom’s gone again,
I wrote. 
Isn’t she?

Samantha looked out the window away from me.  I wondered if she’d looked away so she could wipe tears away without me seeing.

“She’s snowed in at an airport back east,” she said, her voice stiff.  “She won’t be able to get home until the weather clears up.”  She turned her face back toward the front of the car.  I could see the moisture pooled in her eyes.  “I was just walking to the store to get something to eat for myself.”

I sat there looking at Samantha for a long minute.  Finally, I just put the Bronco back into drive and flipped around on the street.

“Uh, where are you taking me?” Sam asked, her voice a mix of annoyance and uncertainty.  I thought I picked up on the smallest trace of hope.  “I’m going the opposite direction.”

I didn’t bother responding to her, just kept driving.

Sam didn’t say anything else.  She sat there stiff for a minute, as if she wasn’t sure if she should demand to be let out of the car, or maybe even jump if I didn’t allow her to get out.  But by the time I passed the airport she finally relaxed into her seat, watching the scenery as it went by.

I parked the car in the driveway and pushing up my sleeves again, wrote,
Come on in.

“Jake, I don’t want to impose or anything,” Sam tried to protest, though it sounded pretty halfhearted.  “I mean, I’m pretty set with my wheat thins, banana, and frozen pizza.”

I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. 
Get inside,
I wrote on my skin.

She gave an appreciative smile, keeping my eyes for a minute.  “Okay fine,” she said finally.  “But I’m helping you carry these bags inside.”

And she did.  We both paused in front of the door, our hands full.  I gave her a look that I hoped said
you ready for this craziness?

Samantha took a deep breath, squeezed her eyes closed for a moment, and then nodded.

The house was complete chaos.  Joshua, James, and Tally’s two youngest kids ran like maniacs throughout the house, chasing each other with a mix of plastic swords, light sabers, and Nerf guns.  Mom, Jordan, Jenny, Grandma, and Aunt Tally were in the kitchen, talking to each other in raised voices.  Anyone outside of the family would have thought it was a heated fight.  I knew it was just the way they talked to each other when they were discussing how best to bake a pie or dress a turkey.  Grandpa, Dad, and John sat looking at something on one of their laptops.  Jamie lay in the window seat reading one of the half dozen books she read a week.