What He's Been Missing (31 page)
Read What He's Been Missing Online
Authors: Grace Octavia
12
“Auld Lang Syne”
#Oldacquaintances. New Year's Eve 2011. Bird was somewhere on a boat looking at whales swimming by in the Alaskan oceans. I was on my couch considering if old acquaintances should be forgotten. It seemed as though I had entered into a season of perpetual repetition. Recycling old curtains with no value and hanging them in old windows that had been broken beyond repair. The result? Rain on the inside. Drafts. Snow. Humidity. Torrential downpour all over my life. Winter. Summer. Spring. Fall. Indoors. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. Three hundred sixty-five days. A whole year and I was right back where I began: two hours before the conclusion of the first year of the second decade of the twenty-first century and I was alone again. The pizza was on its way. The wine was on the table. The DVD was ready to go and I was in the living room about to pop my pills.
That song, that horrible, horrible cliché of a song that everyone loves to sing on New Year's Eve, “Auld Lang Syne”: it asks if we should move on, forget the old acquaintances, those little moments with people and things that happen in the five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, the three hundred sixty-five days that make up the years of life. But it always assumes that the answer is no. The words are rhetorical, but the music, and how people sing itâdecked out in party gear and donning colorful hats and their best jewelsâis nostalgic, hinting that the old acquaintance is to be remembered longingly. What did I have to remember longingly? I started the year out of love, fell in love, was denied love, fell in love again, lost it, found it, and lost everything. Everything I had. As if I'd put it all up for grabs on a Vegas craps table. Now there was nothing. The same silence I'd started with. Only now it was much more depressing and nothing to even make a smart, chiding comment about. That past needed to stay where it was. To die. I could do that. Leave it all behind and make a resolution never to retrace my steps again. It was time to move on with me. With or without someone.
I loved love. I really, really loved love. At first flirty smileâlove. At first sexy scentâlove. The first moment you see him and you just know from somewhere in your navel that you must have his babiesâlove. Defy your mamaâlove. Defy your daddyâlove! And who gives a damn if neither one of them ever speaks to you again because “he” is in your life and nothing else really matters right now, does it?âlove. Cherry on topâlove. Hand-holding on the Ferris wheelâlove. Staying in bed all day and you don't even care that your underarms smell like onions and his breath smells like onions (because he's been kissing your underarms)âlove. Red roses and chocolates on February fourteenâlove.
Love Jones
with Nia Long standing out in the rain crying just before Larenz Tate sweeps her up into his armsâlove. Sappyâlove. Yes, clichédâlove. And we don't care if it is clichéd because it's our fairy tale and it can be whatever and however we want itâlove. Justâlove.
Love Jones
with Nia Long standing out in the rain crying just before Larenz Tate sweeps her up into his armsâlove. Sappyâlove. Yes, clichédâlove. And we don't care if it is clichéd because it's our fairy tale and it can be whatever and however we want itâlove. Justâlove.
But I couldn't help wondering whether it was all worth this pain. Maybe that kind of love wasn't for me. Maybe, like that old myth said, I was meant to help others in their love, but never have one of my own. Maybe there was no man who could live up to the words of that song. Maybe I couldn't. I'd tried e-mailing Xavier twice. To apologize. To see if maybe, just maybe, I'd made the worst mistake. I missed him so much. But he never answered. Maybe he felt I was the old acquaintance that should be forgotten.
I looked at the little blue NyQuil pills on the table. This couldn't be my reality. Not again. I didn't want to take them, but I couldn't stand the idea of being alone. Not again. I wanted to miss this. To fall into oblivion and wake up in the second act of my life where I'd figured this all out. Alone and at least content. At least satisfied with me. Maybe I was what I'd been missing. Maybe I was the man of my dreams. Maybe the world had made me that way.
I reached for the pills. Grabbed the glass of wine. I was about to pop them into my mouth, but then the doorbell rang. I was expecting the gold-toothed pizza man with my delivery.
“One second,” I said, putting the pills back onto the table. I went to get the fifty dollars I'd left on the table.
The bell rang again.
“I'm coming!” I answered, running to the door. “One secâ” I opened the door, ready to hand Goldie the money and get my cheesebread.
“Hey, Rach.” Xavier was standing there, holding a suitcase.
“X?” I just jumped on him. Dropped the fifty dollars and jumped right on him.
“What? What's this? What's up?” he asked laughing. “Guess you're glad to see me.”
He picked me up and carried me into the loft.
I was crying the saltiest tears on his shoulder.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, my voice broken after every word.
“I came to sweep you off your feet,” he said, holding me up in his arms in the middle of the living room floor.
“Sweep me off my feet?”
“If you'll let me.” He let me down and looked into my eyes. “If you'll let me sweep you off your feet, I'd like to do it. Will you?”
“Uhhh . . . Delivery for a . . . Winslow?”
We turned to the doorway. There was a skinny kid in a Morehouse T-shirt balancing a box of pizza on one hand.
“Oh, that's for me,” I said, wiping my tears.
Xavier picked up the fifty dollars and handed it to the guy before taking the pizza.
“Keep the change,” I said.
“Wow! Thanks!”
I was about to close the door, but asked him, “Hey, where's Goldieâthe other pizza guy?”
“That fool had a date,” he said.
“Awesome.”
I closed the door, turned around, and leaned up against it. Xavier had already opened the pizza box and was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels on the television.
“Come sit down, girl!” he said. “I want to watch the ball drop with you.”
“I don't usually watch the ball drop.” I walked over to the couch and looked at Xavier, chomping down on the pizza like he'd never left.
“I see.” He looked at pills. “You sick?”
I coughed a little. “Just a slight cold.”
“Hum . . . Guess I won't be kissing you tonight.” He laughed.
“Kissing me?” I repeated. “X, what are you doing here?”
He clicked off the television.
“I missed you. I was sitting in my place this morning and I thought, I can't go into the next year without her. I can't make a new start without her,” he said. “So, that's what this is. That's why I'm here.”
“I see.”
“Do you want that?”
“I told you to go away. I just thought you would stay away. . . .” I said. “I mean . . . you were away. But now you're here.”
“Do you want me here?” He took my hand and kissed it.
“Yes. I do.”
“Good! Because you know what they sayâ”
“Whoever you're with at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve is the person you'll spend the next year with,” we said together.
A READING GROUP GUIDE
WHAT HE'S BEEN MISSING
Grace Octavia
Â
ABOUT THIS GUIDE
The suggested questions that follow are included to
enhance your group's reading of this book.
enhance your group's reading of this book.
Discussion Questions
1.
At the beginning of the novel, Rachel reveals that while she is successful, independent and attractive, she's depressed, alone and single on New Year's Eve. She ruminates on a succession of failed relationships and explains that few people would even believe that she's as lonely as she is. It seems that today many successful African American women fall into this category. Why? Is there something Rachel or they are doing wrong or is it simply about environment and timing? Is it all hype?
At the beginning of the novel, Rachel reveals that while she is successful, independent and attractive, she's depressed, alone and single on New Year's Eve. She ruminates on a succession of failed relationships and explains that few people would even believe that she's as lonely as she is. It seems that today many successful African American women fall into this category. Why? Is there something Rachel or they are doing wrong or is it simply about environment and timing? Is it all hype?
2.
When Rachel talks about her business, she reveals that she really believes in and supports loveâtrue love. In fact, her motto, the chorus of the India.Arie song, “Ready for Love” expresses a desire to give away her freedom to find that kind of love. The novel also shares many tales of true love, including the love story of her parentsâher father not wanting to live after his wife died. It seems, though, that many of the people in the novel who are seeking marriage, preparing for marriage, or already married fail to truly consider what true love is. Is loving someone so much you would be willing to lose your freedom and/or life a lost art form today? Do people marry simply for convenience or status? To have children? Build wealth? How many examples of true love have you seen and experienced in your own life? Did Rachel find true love in the novel?
When Rachel talks about her business, she reveals that she really believes in and supports loveâtrue love. In fact, her motto, the chorus of the India.Arie song, “Ready for Love” expresses a desire to give away her freedom to find that kind of love. The novel also shares many tales of true love, including the love story of her parentsâher father not wanting to live after his wife died. It seems, though, that many of the people in the novel who are seeking marriage, preparing for marriage, or already married fail to truly consider what true love is. Is loving someone so much you would be willing to lose your freedom and/or life a lost art form today? Do people marry simply for convenience or status? To have children? Build wealth? How many examples of true love have you seen and experienced in your own life? Did Rachel find true love in the novel?
3.
Rachel is very clear about her disdain for Scarlet. She is immediately opposed to Ian asking Scarlet to be his wife. Is Rachel too judgmental when it comes to Scarletâand even Scarlet's friends? Is she simply jealous of Scarlet? Do Rachel's feelings about Scarlet in anyway influence Ian's feelings as well? Did she handle the engagement correctly? How else might she have helped her friend?
Rachel is very clear about her disdain for Scarlet. She is immediately opposed to Ian asking Scarlet to be his wife. Is Rachel too judgmental when it comes to Scarletâand even Scarlet's friends? Is she simply jealous of Scarlet? Do Rachel's feelings about Scarlet in anyway influence Ian's feelings as well? Did she handle the engagement correctly? How else might she have helped her friend?
4.
At Scarlet's birthday party, Rachel shares that soon the twentyish trophy girlfriends will realize that their thirtyish boyfriends won't marry them, and these girlfriends will become jaded. Is Rachel the one who's jaded? Is there any truth to her statement?
At Scarlet's birthday party, Rachel shares that soon the twentyish trophy girlfriends will realize that their thirtyish boyfriends won't marry them, and these girlfriends will become jaded. Is Rachel the one who's jaded? Is there any truth to her statement?
5.
Rachel and Ian are very close; however, both maintain that they're just friends. When do you see the friendship slipping into complicated places where either person could become confused? Does Ian ever behave in ways that suggest that he's indulging Rachel's clear attraction to him? Do they lead one another on? Have you ever been involved in this kind of “friendship”? Have you found that these friendships actually stunted the growth of other relationships in your life?
Rachel and Ian are very close; however, both maintain that they're just friends. When do you see the friendship slipping into complicated places where either person could become confused? Does Ian ever behave in ways that suggest that he's indulging Rachel's clear attraction to him? Do they lead one another on? Have you ever been involved in this kind of “friendship”? Have you found that these friendships actually stunted the growth of other relationships in your life?
6.
In her office, Rachel has consultations with two couples: Alarm Clock and Donnica and AJ and Dawn. The couples appear very different; however, Rachel later learns things about the unions that make her feel they may be more similar than different. What does she learn? How does it affect her? Why is she so impressed at how Alarm Clock loves? How is that different from her father?
In her office, Rachel has consultations with two couples: Alarm Clock and Donnica and AJ and Dawn. The couples appear very different; however, Rachel later learns things about the unions that make her feel they may be more similar than different. What does she learn? How does it affect her? Why is she so impressed at how Alarm Clock loves? How is that different from her father?
7.
In a compelling flashback of her youth, Rachel reveals that her childhood sweetheart Chauncey Billups had to give her father the red pickup truck she's restoring because Chauncey took something from her father, and giving him the truck was the honorable thing to do. What did Chauncey take? What affect did that have on Rachel and her family? While the incident was long ago and Rachel knows that the truck won't change what happened, she knows that Chauncey would not take the truck because of the kind of code the men lived by in the country at that time. Is that kind of honor missing today? Is it needed?
In a compelling flashback of her youth, Rachel reveals that her childhood sweetheart Chauncey Billups had to give her father the red pickup truck she's restoring because Chauncey took something from her father, and giving him the truck was the honorable thing to do. What did Chauncey take? What affect did that have on Rachel and her family? While the incident was long ago and Rachel knows that the truck won't change what happened, she knows that Chauncey would not take the truck because of the kind of code the men lived by in the country at that time. Is that kind of honor missing today? Is it needed?
8.
Bird says that he won't be Rachel's “settle on” man. What did he mean by that? Did he actually find the kind of love he was looking for? Have you or anyone you know ever dated someone with the idea that you'd be settling on them so you could be with someone? What change did that have on the relationship? The person being settled on? Why did Rachel go from being slightly embarrassed by Bird's appearance in front of her office to being attracted to him at the bar?
Bird says that he won't be Rachel's “settle on” man. What did he mean by that? Did he actually find the kind of love he was looking for? Have you or anyone you know ever dated someone with the idea that you'd be settling on them so you could be with someone? What change did that have on the relationship? The person being settled on? Why did Rachel go from being slightly embarrassed by Bird's appearance in front of her office to being attracted to him at the bar?
9.
Scarlet seems so certain that she must have Rachel as her wedding planner. Did she possibly have unsavory motives for this desire? Was Rachel correct in accepting the assignmentâthough she normally does not plan weddings for friends? Did she possibly have unsavory motives in accepting? What role did Ian play in all of this? Was he guilty in adding a cannon to the war?
Scarlet seems so certain that she must have Rachel as her wedding planner. Did she possibly have unsavory motives for this desire? Was Rachel correct in accepting the assignmentâthough she normally does not plan weddings for friends? Did she possibly have unsavory motives in accepting? What role did Ian play in all of this? Was he guilty in adding a cannon to the war?
10.
On Valentine's Day, Rachel must go home to check on her father's dog, who's climbed beneath the porch and won't come out. How do Rachel and her grandmother's ways of dealing with the old dog differ? Why? When King is put down, Rachel is distraught. Why? Is it about the dog or her father?
On Valentine's Day, Rachel must go home to check on her father's dog, who's climbed beneath the porch and won't come out. How do Rachel and her grandmother's ways of dealing with the old dog differ? Why? When King is put down, Rachel is distraught. Why? Is it about the dog or her father?
11.
When Rachel visits Social Circle, her family history since before the Civil War is discussed, ending with her nickname, “Pop Out.” What does this nickname mean to her grandmother? In what ways have younger generations of your family “popped out” from the past and blazed new trails? Is this a continuing tradition in African American familiesâone generation doing better than the last?
When Rachel visits Social Circle, her family history since before the Civil War is discussed, ending with her nickname, “Pop Out.” What does this nickname mean to her grandmother? In what ways have younger generations of your family “popped out” from the past and blazed new trails? Is this a continuing tradition in African American familiesâone generation doing better than the last?
12.
Just before the wedding, Scarlet turns into a baby bridezilla. What does she do to annoy Rachel? Have you or someone you know been guilty of being a bridezilla? How was the situation handled? Is it only natural?
Just before the wedding, Scarlet turns into a baby bridezilla. What does she do to annoy Rachel? Have you or someone you know been guilty of being a bridezilla? How was the situation handled? Is it only natural?
13.
When Rachel video chats with Journey, she gets to see her family life. What effect does this have on Rachel?
When Rachel video chats with Journey, she gets to see her family life. What effect does this have on Rachel?
14.
Was Journey correct in her advice about Ian when Rachel realized she was in love with him?
Was Journey correct in her advice about Ian when Rachel realized she was in love with him?
15.
Rachel notes that she's what Ian's “been missing” in his relationship with Scarlet. What does this mean? Is it dangerous for people who aren't equally yoked in specific areas to commit to one another?
Rachel notes that she's what Ian's “been missing” in his relationship with Scarlet. What does this mean? Is it dangerous for people who aren't equally yoked in specific areas to commit to one another?
16.
Gwendolin, Ian's mother, has some clear objectives when she arrives at the wedding. What's her plan? Was she justified in her actions? Have you ever seen a mother of the groom carry on like she does? How could Ian have better handled the situation with his mother?
Gwendolin, Ian's mother, has some clear objectives when she arrives at the wedding. What's her plan? Was she justified in her actions? Have you ever seen a mother of the groom carry on like she does? How could Ian have better handled the situation with his mother?
17.
After Rachel visits Tante Heru, it seems that all of Tante Heru's instructions come true. Is this due to the old woman's power or simply Rachel's desire to believe?
After Rachel visits Tante Heru, it seems that all of Tante Heru's instructions come true. Is this due to the old woman's power or simply Rachel's desire to believe?
18.
After Rachel and Xavier begin dating, he receives a phone call that confirms Ian's suggestion that Xavier is still the same person he was in college. Was Rachel justified in her reaction to the phone call? Did she let him off too easily? How long does someone have to “clean up” connections from the past when entering a new relationship?
After Rachel and Xavier begin dating, he receives a phone call that confirms Ian's suggestion that Xavier is still the same person he was in college. Was Rachel justified in her reaction to the phone call? Did she let him off too easily? How long does someone have to “clean up” connections from the past when entering a new relationship?
19.
When Rachel and Ian finally get together, they can't seem to satisfy one another sexually. What's the issue? Why does Xavier seem to have a different effect on Rachel? Is it possible to be in love with someone, yet not have a romantic affinity for him or her?
When Rachel and Ian finally get together, they can't seem to satisfy one another sexually. What's the issue? Why does Xavier seem to have a different effect on Rachel? Is it possible to be in love with someone, yet not have a romantic affinity for him or her?
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