What He Explores (What He Wants, Book Twenty-One) (21 page)

“Zack,” she said, grabbing my arms. “What’s wrong? Oh my God. Zack. Zack.” She was shaking me but I couldn’t speak.

It felt like everything was crumbling and my body was shaking and vibrating and I was coming apart at the seams.

I’m dying.

I’m dying, but it’s okay.

I looked into her eyes, trying to breathe and just say her name one time before it was all over.

And then I sobbed, and it came out of me. I wasn’t choking or dying at all, I realized, as tears poured down my face.

I was crying.

Fucking crying for the first time in years.

And she was wrapping her arms around me then, and I held her close, never wanting to let her go. “Caeli,” I whispered, as the tears poured down my face, and I tasted salt and I smelled her pure scent.

“It’s going to be okay, Zack,” she whispered to me, her forehead pressed tightly to mine.

“I lost my brothers,” I told her, and my chest seized again as I felt another sob wrack my body.

I remembered them, their smiling faces, the sounds of their voices.

I remembered it all.

Watching them die.

Losing my mind, fighting and killing, hiding for four days and knowing that everything was finished for me. I was no better than a rat scurrying, trying to find a hole to hide in, and when they finally got me out of that hell and back to the States, I never really felt like I’d left.

The memory of that barren place and the stink of death never left me, not for one second.

So I left myself.

“It’s okay,” Caeli said again, stroking my head. “You’re going to be okay.”

I nodded, finally starting to believe a little bit. “Maybe,” I said. I grabbed her hand in mine. I finally looked at her again, as I caught my breath.

“You’ve been through a lot,” Caeli continued. “You shouldn’t expect everything to be normal for awhile, maybe never again. But you’ll find a new normal.”

“Maybe we’ll find it together,” I said, stroking her cheek. “If you could stand being with a maniac like me.”

“I could more than stand it,” she laughed, her cheeks reddening like they did when she was embarrassed or angry.

Down the hall, I could see the concierge peering worriedly at us from his desk.

“I should get out of here before they call the cops on me,” I said, getting to my feet and brushing myself off, straightening my clothes.

“I have to tell you something before you go out there,” Caeli replied.

“Yeah?”

“I brought Lance and the rest of your squad with me,” she said.

I just stared at her. “You did what?”

“They’ve been looking for you a long time,” she said, imploring me.

I felt like she’d just knifed me in the gut. “You had no right to bring them here,” I said. “Go out there and tell them to leave, Caeli.” I pointed down the hall, my voice rising.

“No,” she said. “If you want them to leave, tell them yourself.”

“I’ll talk to them in a few days, but I have to get my head straight first. Okay?”

“I think you’re saying that to stall for time,” Caeli replied calmly. “You’ve been avoiding this for years, but you can’t run away from it anymore. It’s time to see them, talk to them—“

“You want me to talk to them?” I said, laughing loudly, so loudly that now the concierge came out from behind his desk and started towards us.

“Sir, is anything the matter?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” I told him, but my voice was shaking strangely. I began walking, feeling my pulse rise as if I was about to fight.

I moved fast down the hall and brushed past the concierge.

Sitting on the fancy leather chairs in the lobby were my brothers, and they were all waiting. They were watching me, and Lance stood up first.

“Zack,” he said.

“Fuck you,” I told him, my fists clenching. “You come at me when I tell you I’m done, you’re going to lose some teeth, motherfucker.”

Zack laughed. “You’re going to fight me?”

I felt like all of them were laughing at me. I turned to the concierge, who was shouting for security.

“You all want something from me?” I screamed, feeling my veins practically burst out of my neck, my head. I ripped my shirt off. “Come on, motherfuckers. You didn’t get enough of me in Afghanistan, huh? I didn’t spill enough blood? You want more? What do you want next?” I shouted, my ears ringing.

I kicked one of the big black leather chairs and it spun into the wall.

My brothers came at me then, and I swung once, connected with someone’s face, and then they were on top of me, grabbing me.

I was dragged out of the hotel and into the street, and I was trying to fight, but there were five of them and just one of me.

Their hands grabbed my arms and legs, and I heard them communicating with each other so efficiently, calmly, just like back in the day.

Working as a team to subdue the enemy.

Only now I’m the enemy

I’m going to kill them because they won’t ever leave me alone.

They dragged me around the corner.

I saw Caeli following as they dragged me, her eyes frightened. “Don’t hurt him!” she said.

Hurt me?

I laughed. I tried to break free and finally managed to do so.

Lance stepped forward. “The fight is over, soldier,” he said. “We’re your friends.”

“If you’re my friend, you’ll leave. Me. Alone.”

He stared at me, as the others looked away, looked down, hands on hips, everyone breathing heavily.

“I just never got a chance to thank you for what you did, Zack. You saved my life. You saved their lives too. We all wanted to tell you that much, at least.”

They all nodded, then saying thanks. They looked right at me.

They thanked me for saving them, on behalf of wives and kids and families.

I groaned and put my face in my hands as the scenes flashed before my eyes.

“No,” I said. “Please stop it.”

And then they were around me again. Lance was talking as the brothers huddled in, circling me, but this time I didn’t fight them.

“We’ve been where you are right now,” Lance said. “I was in the VA for six months when I got home. I cracked up.”

“I drank every day for a fucking year,” Caden said.

“You need us now.”

“You took care of us and now it’s our turn to take care of you,” Lance said, and someone put a hand on my neck and squeezed.

I closed my eyes tight and nodded, knowing it was over.

I hadn’t just been out in the wilderness for four days in Afghanistan. In truth, I’d never left—I’d been stranded out there ever since.

But they’d finally come and got me.

C
AELI

I
felt
tears stinging my eyes as I watched Zack’s fellow marines surround him, protecting him, talking to him.

A sob rolled through my chest but I bit down on my lip, trying not to draw any attention to myself, not wanting them to lose this moment that had been so long in coming.

To think that Zack Wild was so different from what I’d originally thought.

In the beginning, I’d been sure that he was some dumb frat boy, some preppy college dude, arrogant and empty-headed.

Later, I’d been sure he was bad news, on the run from the law or a bad past.

His drinking and womanizing had been obvious, but it had never in a million years occurred to me that he might have been a brave soul who was a
war hero
.

An actual hero.

He’d saved lives, risked his own, and lived to talk about it.

Zack Wild had been to hell and back, and he bore the scars from it both outside and inside.

But now, I felt hope bubbling up in my chest, and I knew I’d found the real Zack.

The real Zack…

And I think I might be falling in love with him.

Let’s be real, Caeli. The falling is over and done with. You’re in love with this man, however crazy that might be.

But did he love me back? Could he ever love me the way I felt I was capable of loving him?

As the marines stood in Kenmore Square, huddled up, heads bowed, talking, arms around one another, I knew that whatever else—Zack had been reunited with the people who cared about him most.

After another minute or two, the group finally began to move apart, and now Zack stood there, legs spread, hands down at his sides.

Lance saluted him first, followed by the others.

Zack nodded, laughing. “Okay,” he said. “Okay.”

Lance broke free of his salute and then gave Zack a big bear hug. The two of them were whispering for a moment, before Zack looked up at me, waving me towards him.

I felt like a bit of an outsider, but the marines were all smiling, looking at me with kindness, which helped.

When I got close to Zack, he grabbed me by the hand. “The boys and me have some catching up to do,” he said, almost apologetically.

“Of course,” I replied instantly. I tried not to show the pain that flashed through me.

He’s leaving me
, I thought.
He’s going with them and he’ll forget all about me.

“Listen,” Zack said, his voice lowering as he rubbed my hand with his thumb while looking at me with those brilliant green eyes of his. “I need to do this.”

“I know you do,” I smiled.

“But I’m coming back to you. I want you to wait for me, I’ll be there later, okay?”

I nodded. “Sure.”

“I’m serious,” he said. “Caeli, take the train back to your apartment and wait for me there.”

“I will.”

He squeezed my hand and then he leaned in and kissed me. I savored it, wondering if it would be our last.

Wondering if he was free to finally fly away, back to Ohio, back to his real home and his real family.

***

I
took
the train without any issue and then I caught a cab ride home. I really needed to stop taking cabs, it was going to destroy my already fragile bank account.

I also needed to go into the restaurant for the night shift in a little while. My uncle had left a short voicemail telling me they expected me at seven o’clock. Like he was doing me a favor.

Great, I thought. It would be such fun seeing my three ogre cousins, who no doubt would harass me worse than usual after everything that had gone on.

It felt like a bad dream, where no matter what you did you could never get anywhere, never make headway.

Every so often, I checked my phone for a text and my heart would sink a little when I realized that no text had come through.

I imagined Zack out with his friends, talking over beer about their war stories, and the women would flock over to these brave, handsome men. Especially Zack.

Lance was handsome, but Zack was a movie star.

They would want Zack and he would be drunk, and he wouldn’t hesitate to take some hot bimbo into the bathroom and…

I shook my head and tried to stop thinking, stop torturing myself with thoughts of the man who’d somehow stolen my heart. First, he’d gotten my body and then my heart had been his for the taking.

But now what?

Was it over as quickly as it had begun?

As the hours ticked past, I tried to do other things. Rest, watch television, play games on my phone.

Nothing worked. I was distracted.

Eventually, I went and took a shower and then got ready for work.

By the time I was dressed and ready to leave, my phone was still silent. Nobody had called or texted.

And then I heard a horn honking outside my apartment. My heart started to race so fast, I felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. Smiling wider than I’d ever smiled, I ran to the window and looked down.

Immediately, the smile disappeared from my face.

It was my father’s car out there.

Oh my God.

I felt a wave of nausea at the thought of having to see my Dad at this moment after I’d just been so gravely disappointed.

He honked again, and I yelled out loud at nobody in particular. “Oh, just shut up!”

And then I grabbed my coat and purse and headed out the door.

When I got outside, my father had his window rolled down. He was grinning at me like the cat that ate the canary. “There’s my little girl,” he said.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, not smiling back at him.

“I was on my way to Home Depot and I thought I’d swing by.” His eyes shifted uncomfortably. “Just see how you’re doing.”

I shouldered my purse. “You wanted to check on me and make sure I was going into work.”

He scratched his jaw and smiled again. “I was on my way to Home Depot, Caeli. It’s five minutes from here—“

“Well, as you can see, I’m all dressed and about to head out. Anything else you want to check in on?”

He sighed deeply. “Look, I know that you feel…you feel that I’ve pushed you to take on responsibilities….and maybe you have a point. But I never intended to make life hard for you.”

For a moment, I almost felt sorry for him.

But then I remembered that I was the one who still had to go and work at a place I hated, with people I despised, and all because my parents had so badly mismanaged their finances and lives that they needed me to bail them out.

I wasn’t going to just tell my father all was forgiven, especially not when he was still trying to manipulate me into doing more work for him.

“When’s it going to be my turn to screw up a little?” I asked, finally. “When do I get to live my life for a change?”

He opened his mouth but no words came out. He stared over my shoulder, his eyes hardening and his mouth shutting closed.

I turned around and saw Zack standing there, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets a few feet away from me. He gave a slight smile. “It took me and the boys awhile to catch up. I should’ve texted or called sooner, but I wanted to surprise you.”

“Mission accomplished,” I replied.

Now my heart really was pounding.

Zack walked forward, eyes focused on me. He drew close and then his hands reached out and grabbed mine. “Why are you dressed in that outfit?” he said.