What Have I Done? (11 page)

‘Hello, Matilda, how are you? It’s lovely to see you again. I have put my little shell in a safe, special place and I look at it every day. It’s very beautiful.’

The little girl smiled.

‘Are you not playing cricket with everyone else? Did someone get you out already? I could tell you a very funny story about an important cricket match and two naughty chickens called Nugget and Kiev, if you have the time?’

Matilda hesitated, shoving the best part of her small, bunched-up fist into her mouth before deciding that no, she did not particularly want to hear that story. Besides, her best friend, Hans, had promised her a go on the tyre swing. She ran outside.

‘Is she shy?’ Kate was worried that she might have said the wrong thing.

‘No, far from it. But she hasn’t spoken since she arrived here. That was about nine months ago. She seems happy and settled, but we can’t get her to say a word. The doctor says there is no medical reason and so I’m confident that she will start talking when she feels she has something important enough to say.’

‘Did she used to speak?’

‘Oh yes! A lot! But she had a shock and it’s her way of coping. Children are wired quite simply and it’s her way of putting things in order, trying to make sense of her world.’

‘What happened to her?’ Kate whispered, not sure if she wanted to know.

‘It’s a common enough story, but no less sad because of it. She was with her daddy in a bar when he was stabbed in a knife fight. He died. Her mummy is not in a good place right now, battling her own demons, and so Matilda is here where she is loved, and when the time is right, God will find a way to heal her.’

‘Oh, Matilda…’ Kate felt an unbearable wave of sadness.
Her daddy was stabbed to death.
The name Matilda had fallen from her lips, but it could just have easily been ‘Lydia’ or ‘Dominic’.

‘You miss your children?’ It was as if he read her thoughts.

‘Yes, yes I do, very much. I ache for them. It’s rather complicated, I’m afraid.’

‘Can I assume it’s not only physical distance that prevents you from being with them?’

She nodded.

‘They were going to come here with me, it would have been perfect, but they changed their minds, need more time… It’s difficult. I don’t want to force them into seeing me, but at the same time I find it so hard to let things take their course, it doesn’t come naturally to me. I think I can heal them quicker, if they’d just let me.’

‘You know, Kate, it will pass, everything does. Your children will come to realise just how much you love them and how much they love you, I am certain. I’m sure they will find the path back to you. My mum is amazing; I know that no matter how much time or distance separates us, she is only ever a heartbeat away from me. It’s very comforting and your kids will seek out that comfort when the time is right, when they need you the most.’

‘Did you ever meet your birth mother?’

‘No. She gave birth and pretty much abandoned me. I don’t know if she ever held or fed me. By all accounts she was just relieved that the whole sordid affair was over. I don’t know if she ever gave me a second thought. I have prayed for her and I do forgive her lack of interest; I don’t judge her, Kate. I’m grateful for the path she set me on. I have been blessed and she did give me life. That’s pretty amazing, eh?’

Kate could only nod.

Simon threw the tea towel onto the sideboard. All the dishes and pots were now clean and in the cupboards ready for supper time.

‘How about that trip?’ he asked. ‘Your work here is done!’

‘I’d like that very much.’ She beamed.

Simon’s open-topped jeep bounded along tracks that Kate doubted were wide enough to cope if a similar vehicle should come along in the opposite direction. The thick canopy of leaves
dripped with the recent rainfall. Pale crabs the size of dinner plates scurried into the undergrowth and out of the path of the roaring engine. The car stopped abruptly at the edge of a small forest.

‘Here we are.’

He smiled at Kate, his beautiful open smile that gave her a glimpse of the man behind it, a good man.

Simon strode with confidence through the copse. Kate followed in his wake, tripping as her urban feet, more familiar with the grey slabs of English pavements, struggled with the alien terrain. She trod gingerly over tangled roots and fallen branches. She slapped at her skin, trying to squish the mosquitoes who tucked into the all-you-can-eat buffet that was her arms and legs. It was worth it.

One more step forward and she knew how Lucy Pevensie in
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
felt. Only Kate didn’t stumble into a snow-covered kingdom; instead she found herself in paradise.

The bay was horseshoe shaped, on a gentle incline that allowed the crystal-clear blue water to lap its shore. The fine sand was undisturbed. The trees of the wood behind them cast gentle shadows and shady pockets over the beach. Mother Nature had dotted palm trees where the jungle met the sand. It was perfect.

‘Oh, Simon! I have never seen anything like it. This is so beautiful.’

He lowered his bulk onto the sand and Kate sat next to him, bunching up her linen trousers to tan her calves. She never wore swimwear, preferring to keep her scars covered. There was no need for a towel or a blanket; this was the way to do beach life. She ran her fingers through the sand and let the gentle wind lift her hair and her spirits.

‘Not so very long ago, the whole island was like this. In the last twenty years I have seen many changes and not all of them good, Kate. I wanted to show you this bay—’

‘I can see why, it’s stunning.’ She interrupted him.

‘But pretty soon I will not be able to come here and neither will the children.’

‘What do you mean? Why?’ She thought this was his way of telling her that he was moving away.

‘It’s been sold, Kate.’

‘Sold? How can it be sold? It’s a beach, it’s part of the island!’

Simon gave a low chortle and shook his head.

‘It seems obvious, doesn’t it? But sadly it’s not that straightforward. This plot and the two either side have been bought by a large corporation and they will build a huge, luxurious hotel. They will use boulders to block access to the land. They will hire local security guards who used to play here with their kids to patrol this strip of sand and discourage me and many like me from coming here.’

‘How can they do that? It’s not like there are hundreds and hundreds of miles of beach; it’s a small island!’

‘That’s true and yet every year that is exactly what happens all over the Caribbean. Special places and stretches of beach that have been loved and enjoyed for generations are suddenly not ours any more. The island is shrinking and unless you have an awful lot of money there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it.’

‘That’s heartbreaking, terrible! I don’t understand how it’s allowed to happen.’

‘It’s a problem, but it’s just one small part of a very complicated puzzle. It would be better if more tourist dollars were invested in facilities for those who need them the most, but it doesn’t seem to happen like that. We are like every other
island: we need the money that tourism brings, but it comes at a very high price.’

‘I don’t understand it, Simon. I’m trying to imagine a big company coming along and buying up England’s green spaces. Can you imagine if Exmoor, the Yorkshire Dales or the Lake District were suddenly no-go areas because they had been
sold
? Or Hyde Park or the Bristol Downs? People simply wouldn’t stand for it!’

‘They would if they had no voice. Sometimes money is very hard to be heard over; it talks the loudest of all.’

‘It makes me feel guilty. I’m staying at one of those flash hotels.’

‘It’s good that you are aware and I don’t want you to feel guilty. We want to share our beautiful home with you. I just wish people knew when enough was enough.’

She nodded. ‘All things in moderation, is that right?’

‘You got it.’

The two sat in silence for a moment, letting the sun warm their skin.

‘What is it you are trying to escape from, Kate?’

So suddenly had the topic been broached that his question caught her off guard.

‘Well, I don’t really know where to start.’ She dug her toes into the sand.

‘How about the beginning?’ he prompted.

‘I wish it was that easy. Actually it’s not that I don’t where to start so much as how to. I think you may feel differently about being my friend after you know a bit more about me, you being a man of faith.’

Simon smiled. ‘Isn’t that strange, Kate, that you judge me, decide on my reaction, second-guess my opinion and yet I would do no such thing to you?’

‘You don’t know what I did.’ Kate bit her bottom lip, fighting the nerves that trembled there.

‘Try me.’

She exhaled slowly, trying to think of the right phrase, of a way to deliver the information in the least shocking manner.

‘I’ve been in prison for the last five years, serving a sentence for manslaughter. I killed someone. Well, not just someone… I killed my husband.’

Kate waited for a reaction or comment. There was none and so she continued.

‘I need to start over and find a new life, but I don’t really know how to do that. I don’t know how to begin. My children, Dominic and Lydia, are angry with me and of course I understand that, but I miss them so badly that some days I can hardly breathe. My husband was a cruel man, the cruellest.’

Kate ran her palm across the underside of her thigh, in an almost subconscious gesture.

‘I spent years trembling at the prospect of being alone with him, two decades when I was too afraid to speak up, to ask for help or tell anyone how I lived. Every thought and action had to be contained. I was shrinking inside myself and I knew that one day I would disappear completely. I don’t regret what I did, Simon, but I do regret the hurt I have caused others. And then I feel tremendous guilt because I am finally free, but in gaining that freedom I have spoiled things for my kids.’

Simon paused before slowly delivering his words. ‘Luke says, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” This is how I live my life and those like me that follow Jesus shall know forgiveness when they need it the most. It can bring great peace, Kate.’

‘Ah, but that’s just it. I don’t follow Him and I don’t believe.
I could really have done with a spot of divine intervention over the last few years: where was your God then? I used to pray, asking for help from anyone who was listening; I got nothing. So I stopped asking – at least that was one less disappointment to contend with.’

The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Simon stood.

‘Come on!’

He took her hand and pulled her towards the shoreline. Without waiting to test the temperature and without the caution of those less comfortable in the ocean, he ploughed on until he and Kate were wading waist-deep in the water. Eventually he stopped and grasped her hand. Her linen trousers clung to her.

He placed his hand on her lower back.

‘Stand very still.’ His voice was almost a whisper.

Kate did as she was told. The sediment they had disturbed quickly settled around their toes until it was like looking through dappled glass.

‘Look!’

Simon pointed downwards. It took a while for Kate’s eyes to adjust to their watery filter, but when they did she could see tiny silver fish darting around her feet. A small crab scurried into a hole on the sea bed and a larger fish sniffed at the new obstacle that had appeared in his playground.

‘Can you see the tiny fish, Kate?’

She nodded. ‘Yes! I saw him!’

‘Do you think that the tiny fish is aware of everything going on up here above the surface?’

‘I doubt it.’ She chuckled.

‘You’d be right. He swims along in the warm water, looking for shade, searching for food and interacting with the other little fish that he meets. He is thoroughly preoccupied with the small things that fill his day and has no idea about the beach, the
island, countries, buildings, men and their machines, airplanes, currency… in fact anything that makes up the world that exists right over his head. But you know what, Kate? Just because he is unaware of it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there.’

Kate turned her attention from the water to the man standing next to her who was now holding her hand.

‘Are you saying I’m a tiny fish?’ She smiled.

‘Yes, Kate. That is exactly what I am saying. God is there whether you choose to look for him or not and he is all about forgiveness. I want you to try and remember that hope comes in many forms; sometimes it’s an idea or a place and sometimes it’s a person.’

Kate threw herself backwards into the warm Caribbean current. It had been a long time since she had swum. The salt water stuck to her eyelashes and stung her sunburnt skin. She felt alive.

‘Maybe I like being a tiny fish!’ she shouted.

Simon watched her swim underwater deeper and deeper into the ocean.

‘Maybe you do.’ He smiled and shook his head. ‘Maybe you do.’

It had been a long day, but one that Kate would never forget. The jeep purred as it drew up outside the entrance to The Landings.

‘I don’t feel quite as comfortable about sleeping in my beautiful marble-floored bedroom now I know its true cost,’ she mused.

‘If not you then someone else, Kate, and at least your head is fully informed as it hits the feather pillow.’

She smiled at him.

‘We have a Prospect Place outing tomorrow to Carnival – would you like to come with us?’

I’m not sure. I don’t want to burden you with my company.’

‘It’s a pleasure not a burden and besides, no good comes from refusing an invitation to Carnival.’

‘Is that right?’

‘Oh yes. Many, many years ago the owner of one of the big plantations was invited to Carnival along with her entire household. She politely refused as she had a royal delegation staying at the house, but that meant she refused on behalf of everyone. A young kitchen maid was so angry and frustrated to be missing the celebrations that she grabbed a handful of nutmeg and shoved it into the cake mix. Too much nutmeg is never a good thing and legend has it that the royal party spent the evening hallucinating and were then violently sick and confined to their beds.’