What Do You Do With a Chocolate Jesus? (15 page)

     
  
Last Supper
n
eckties.
(Definitely a Father’s Day gift)

     
  A bobble-headed dashboard Jesus.

     
  Jesus Beer. (“The King of Kings of Beers”)

     
  Jesus Sneakers. (For walking on water?)

     
  Jesus throw rugs. (Nothing says devotion like stepping on Christ’s face…)

     
  Jesus ashtrays. (… or snuffing a cigarette out on his nose)

     
  Jesus air freshener. (Now
your
home can smell like a first-century carpenter)

There are crucifixes made of everything from taffy to kryptonite. (And, yes, there are even ones molded out of chocolate. One brand comes on a stick.) For Old Testament fans, there’s a Plague of Locusts snow globe and Apocalypse Hot Sauce. You can even buy a 47-foot high inflatable church for when you’re on the road. And speaking of the road, in Los Angeles there’s a car dealership called “Jesus is Lord Motors.” I guess if their cars run, it’s a miracle.

As a kid, I thought the idea of a Christian theme park was a joke, until Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker came up with Heritage U.S.A. in 1978 (well before Jim was indicted). In 2001, something called The Holy Land Experience was built in Orlando, Florida, where visitors can walk through a faux ancient Jerusalem and see replicas of the Ark of the Covenant and Christ’s tomb. Some claim it was designed to convert Jews to Christianity. It doesn’t seem to have worked. Maybe if they added a Mary Magdalene kissing booth.

Me = God

Since Jesus has been hinting that he is God incarnate, maybe his tirade against the moneychangers was just some of Yahweh’s trademark moodiness; a little Old Testament ire coming through. The next morning, when he wakes up hungry, Jesus spots a fig tree. But there’s nothing on it except leaves. So, this is what the Gospel writers claim Jesus says…to the tree:

“May no fruit ever come from you again!” And the fig tree withered at once. [Mark 11:13, Matt 21:18]

 

I always felt sorry for that fig tree, though I suppose the scene would’ve been uglier if Jesus had been thirsty and came across a cow that didn’t give milk. We’re told this episode demonstrates the power of faith. I think it also shows that Jesus wasn’t a morning person. Actually, there’s debate about what this episode really means, since a fig tree wouldn’t be producing fruit at that time of year anyway.

By now, a lot of folks are talking about Jesus, and public opinion is split. The crowds are astonished by his wisdom, while some of the Pharisees think he’s possessed. What really riles the authorities, though, is his promise of eternal life and the suggestion that he is something more than a man:

“…before Abraham was, I am.” [John 8:58]

 

“I and the Father are one.” [John 10:30]

 

These are touchy words to say in a synagogue, especially since nothing in Hebrew scripture says The Messiah has to be God incarnate. Jesus is coming up with new stuff, and the religious honchos are ready to stone him. Before they can, however, he goes into hiding. Good thing. If they had killed him right there, the emblem of Christianity would have been Jesus under a pile of rocks. Not very inspiring.

Jesus on Church and State

The Pharisees meet to decide what to do about this man. Since the Romans have the legal authority, and since they don’t care much about Jewish religious arguments, the only way for the Pharisees to get Jesus out of the way is to goad him into violating Roman law. They try to snag him with a trick question: Is it lawful to pay taxes to the pagan government of Rome? Since it’s blasphemous to use Roman coins, they figure he’ll say “no” and thus land himself in hot water with the Empire. Instead, he famously answers:

“Render therefore unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and unto God that which is God’s.” [Matt. 22:21]

 

In other words: Yes, pay up! This not only gets him off the hook with both the Romans and the Jews; it tells us that Jesus Christ favored Church-State separation. He saw both government and religion as legitimate institutions, each deserving of their due. Pay your taxes to the government and dedicate your soul to God. Keep those priorities straight and you’ll be fine. He never said to convert the Empire to Christianity and
then
pay your taxes. He never advocated passing laws based on his teachings. If a good Christian lives a moral life, he does so freely, out of a love of God—not out of fear of the feds. A believer doesn’t need the government to save his soul.

The only ones who get ticked off by this clever answer are the Zealots, who
do
want to overthrow the government and make theocracy the law of the land. For them, it’s not enough to freely worship God. They want
everyone
to freely worship God and, if everyone won’t, they’ll make sure everyone has to. You know the type.

Heavy Weather Ahead

With the cat now out of the bag on his messianic claims, Jesus continues working the nerves of the religious leaders, who keep trying to trip him up. They send a lawyer to ask him what the greatest commandment is, and he responds:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind…And a second [commandment] is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” [Matt. 22:37–39]

 

Hard to argue with that, so, for the moment, the Pharisees back off. Then Jesus turns around and rails against them as elitist and ritual-obsessed:

“…for they preach, but do not practice…they love the place of honor at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues…Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you…have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith…You serpents, you brood of vipers, how are you to escape being sentenced to hell?” [Matt. 23:3–33]

 

Well, if you’re going to burn a bridge, might as well make it a spectacular fire. To be fair, he’s being a little hard on the Pharisees, who are actually middle-of-the-road Jews, not purists. He’s condemning mainstream Judaism—one reason why he’s often seen as a revolutionary and why so many Jewish leaders had a hard time with him.

No matter. Jesus is on a tear and, as he marches out of the Temple, he tells his disciples that:

“…there will not be left here one stone upon another, that will not be thrown down.” [Matt. 24:2]