What Are You Hungry For? (24 page)

Dopamine is associated with the good feelings we get when we achieve a success and get what we want. Some people excel at finding rewards from what they achieve, and in these reward-driven individuals, dopamine levels are high. (Addictive drugs like cocaine owe their action to how they affect the dopamine system.) Oxytocin, which was popularly labeled the “love hormone,” is associated with sexual orgasms and social bonding—there are high levels in mothers of newborn infants, for example.

On the other hand, happiness isn’t chemical. Someone may discover that cocaine gives a burst of incredible happiness, which is chemically induced. But taking cocaine throws off the brain’s delicate chemical balance, and after a short while, if addiction sets in, the person discovers that cocaine is a tormenting prison. In a normal life, we can give
ourselves bursts of pleasure, but they can’t be chemically sustained. Just by looking more closely at the three hormones just introduced, you can see that there is no simple chemical path to happiness.

Consider serotonin and dopamine, which can be found in trace amounts whenever someone feels good about their life. These are complex hormones connected with every other hormone, not to mention more than a dozen other neurotransmitters and more than fifty similar molecules known as peptides. Links extend everywhere, to sleep, appetite, digestion, and stress. It’s not just a metaphor to talk about the symphony of hormones. Notice that you can eat something delicious (a pleasurable experience) while feeling guilty at the same time (an unpleasant experience).

There is evidence that if you have a hormonal imbalance involving serotonin and dopamine, your mood can be drastically affected (although the long-held belief that serotonin is the chief actor in depression has been discredited, which says a lot about why antidepressants don’t work for many people and in the final analysis may be no better than placebos in their reliability). But much more important is the fact that the mind triggers body chemistry. If you make wrong choices—and choice is a mental process—the bad effects on body chemistry follow.

Here’s an example. Imagine yourself driving a car. You’re in a hurry, so you have one hand on the wheel and are using the other to eat a sandwich. At the same time you are talking on your cell phone—anyone who has recently taken a taxi in a major city probably saw a cabbie doing all three things at once. In your distraction you almost hit a cyclist on a bike or run a red light. Three things have happened simultaneously:

You were eating unconsciously.

You were giving your mind too many tasks at once.

You wound up in a stressful incident.

At the level of your hormones, all of these things count; they become part of your body chemistry. Although an endocrinologist can separate and isolate each hormone and name its function, in real life there is no such precision. One thing meshes into another. Stress, appetite, digestion, belly fat, mood—there is no strict boundary between them. Brain chemistry tells the tale. You cannot get a happy life by using the formula “more pleasure, less pain,” because every state of mind and body is mixed into every other.

Let’s step away from the level of chemistry. Chemicals are just footprints telling us where the mind has been. That’s why awareness eating works so well—you are controlling the real switch behind the mind-body connection. Happiness is an expanded form of awareness—that same switch has many more functions than eating. “Awareness living” isn’t the most elegant of terms, but it tells you what you need to know, as follows:

Awareness tells you what is actually going on.

When you know what is going on, you can focus on a solution.

Solutions are a matter of choice.

Making the right choice leads to new chemical messaging.

The new messaging gets imprinted as new pathways in the brain.

The pathways for happiness are as easy to imprint as the pathways for unhappiness.

It’s unfortunate that so few people know about the final statement, that making pathways for happiness is as easy as making pathways
for unhappiness. They miss this vital point, or never learned it in the first place, because in everyone, old habits, conditioning, memories, prejudices, beliefs, and ego create a fog of illusion. Wandering around in such a fog, people can’t be blamed for not recognizing how to solve their problems.

In terms of well-being, we can cut through the fog by looking at what we are hungry for, which starts the process of becoming happy at the first step: Be aware of what’s really going on. You can’t know what is really going on if you don’t pay attention. Your awareness will tell you if you want:

Comfort, security, safety

Love and affection

A sense of belonging

Accomplishment, success, achievement

Self-esteem

Creative expression

Meaning and purpose

I’ve listed these from the most basic to the most refined needs that exist in human life. Looking at how people respond to their own needs, one sees that under stress—which includes lack of fulfillment—people fall back on their lower needs. Whether or not you actually run back home to reassure yourself that someone loves you, or build a bigger house to feel more important, on the inside everyone will retreat to find the basics of comfort, security, and safety. Where does food belong? At the same lower levels.

Mapping out happiness as a hierarchy of needs—a phrase made famous decades ago by the psychologist Abraham Maslow—makes sense. The insecure Hollywood mogul who insists on living in a huge mansion, the beautiful runway model who secretly binges, the empty-nester who worries constantly about her grown children—in
various ways they are all reaching for comfort, security, and safety while being frustrated when they try to fulfill higher needs. But the symphony of hormones should remind us that all our needs are being tended to—or ignored—in a messy chemical soup that reflects how complicated the human mind will always be.

Fortunately, if you attend to higher needs, you won’t be compelled to retreat to lower ones. Self-esteem allows you to look at a chocolate cake and say, “I’m not doing that to myself.” Creativity fills your day with enough fulfillment that you have no reason to snack out of boredom. Meaning and purpose cancel out the empty feelings that people futilely try to fill by overeating. If you have fulfilled your higher needs, the only reasons that you might gain weight are two: Either you overlooked an aching hunger or you stopped paying attention. Both are lapses of awareness, and bringing your awareness back to what is going on will begin to solve the problem.

An honest inventory of your needs and how you are fulfilling them will go a long way toward helping you be more aware. Take the seven needs listed on
this page
and rate how well you are doing for each one on a scale from Very Well to Poorly. If you are nervous about taking stock, remember that what you aren’t aware of you can’t change, and the whole point is change in a positive direction.

Next, list specifically what you are doing to meet the need. Give yourself a suggestion about how to do better. This will give you a connection to what is really going on, and with that awareness, you have begun the process of finding true well-being.

Need #1:
Comfort, security, safety

I’m doing
Very well About average Below average Poorly

I tend to this need through the following:

(Examples: Owning a house, having a trusted partner/spouse, earning a secure income, living in a safe part of town, taking out insurance, saving for retirement.)

I could do better fulfilling this need by the following:

(Use the preceding examples as a guideline—how could you improve each one?)

Need #2:
Love and affection

I’m doing
Very well About average Below average Poorly

I tend to this need through the following:

(Examples: A loving partner/spouse; close friends; a family where affection is open; being appreciated for your good deeds, service, compassion; believing in God’s love.)

I could do better fulfilling this need by the following:

(Use the preceding examples as a guideline—how could you improve each one?)

Need #3:
A sense of belonging

I’m doing
Very well About average Below average Poorly

I tend to this need through the following:

(Examples: Being part of a community, joining a cause, being of service, bonding with coworkers, working in a cooperative atmosphere, making connections with close friends, mentoring, finding a confidant.)

I could do better fulfilling this need by the following:

(Use the preceding examples as a guideline—how could you improve each one?)

Need #4:
Accomplishment, success, and achievement

I’m doing
Very well About average Below average Poorly

I tend to this need through the following:

(Examples: Holding a challenging job, being promoted at work, becoming a leader, gaining the respect of others, beating the competition, handling crises, becoming notable in your field, raising your children well.)

I could do better fulfilling this need by the following:

(Use the preceding examples as a guideline—how could you improve each one?)

Need #5:
Self-esteem

I’m doing
Very well About average Below average Poorly

I tend to this need through the following:

(Examples: Speaking your truth, standing up for yourself, being proud of who you are, appreciating your accomplishments, letting others see who you really are, valuing others as you value yourself, showing dignity.)

I could do better fulfilling this need by the following:

(Use the preceding examples as a guideline—how could you improve each one?)

Need #6:
Creative expression

I’m doing
Very well About average Below average Poorly

I tend to this need through the following:

(Examples: Writing, journaling; having creative hobbies like music, painting, and community theater; following your curiosity; making new discoveries; exploring a foreign culture; developing healing and therapeutic skills.)

I could do better fulfilling this need by the following:

(Use the preceding examples as a guideline—how could you improve each one?)

Need #7:
Meaning and purpose

I’m doing
Very well About average Below average Poorly

I tend to this need through the following:

(Examples: Having a vision and following it, spiritual practice, feeling connected to a higher power, humanitarianism, charity, giving of yourself.)

I could do better fulfilling this need by the following:

(Use the preceding examples as a guideline—how could you improve each one?)

Save your inventory and return to it every month. Turn your suggested improvements into real action. At the same time, upgrade your self-rating as you progress, and appreciate how you are contributing to your own well-being.

It’s important to realize, as happiness research suggests, that your personal choices matter more than any other factor. Happiness isn’t a given, nor is it predetermined. There is no limit to how far our awareness can expand—with that knowledge, the field of positive psychology can make a great contribution. At this moment, however, the project of reaching a state of well-being belongs to you. Don’t look upon it as a burden. We all innately follow our own desires, and although pleasure is appealing, we also intuit that life is about much more than a surge of elation now and again. In the next chapter I offer a vision of self-awareness reaching for the highest joy in existence. The same awareness that brings you a happy life has been the guiding light for every wisdom tradition in the world.

Making It Personal:
Emotional Freedom

Having emotions is a natural part of life, something we should celebrate. Having emotional baggage is another story. We’ve all experienced hurts and wounds in the past. When these hurts and wounds stick with us, we start to owe an emotional debt that is hard to pay—this is our emotional baggage, the dead weight of old experiences. It’s crucial to rid yourself of emotional baggage, because worrying about the past blocks your participation in the present. Almost everyone I’ve ever met who overeats is doing so on behalf of an old self (a discouraged child, an unpopular teenager, a self-conscious young adult) who no longer exists.

To banish these older selves, you must deal with lingering emotional debt. After years of experience with patients, I’ve found that this can be done without the pain that many people feel when they consider approaching their worst inner pain. It isn’t necessary to charge into a minefield; you don’t have to brace yourself for a second round of hurt. The process can unfold naturally, and when it does, you will experience relief and a surge of well-being.

The entire exercise goes under the name “Emotional Freedom,” and it follows seven steps. Take your time with each step, and don’t move on until you feel satisfied that the current step is working for you. (For most people, it helps to have someone else join you in the exercise. Their presence provides reassurance that you aren’t alone and unsupported.)

Step #1: Recall an Emotion

With your eyes closed, recall an emotional experience that is causing discomfort. See the circumstances clearly and vividly in your mind. It could be an embarrassing experience or a personal rejection; the feeling could revolve around loss or failure. Don’t generalize; be specific. You are recalling an emotional trigger. If your
recollection is too uncomfortable, open your eyes and take a few deep breaths. When you feel less overwhelmed, close your eyes again and proceed.

Step #2: Feel the Emotion in Your Body

Notice where in your body this emotional memory has lodged. For most people, when they bring up a disturbing emotion, a physical sensation of tightness, stiffness, discomfort, or even pain will be felt in the stomach or around the heart. For a smaller number of people the sensation will be felt in the throat or as a headache. Locate where your sensation is occurring.

If at first you don’t feel anything, relax, take a breath, and easily tune in to your body. On rare occasions someone may feel numb, which is the sign of a deep emotion that has been tied to fear. But everyone eventually feels something in the body doing this exercise. (I often tell people that an emotion is a thought connected to a sensation.)

Step #3: Label Your Emotion

Now give your emotion a name. Is it fear or anger, sadness or resentment? Most people are surprised to find that they haven’t really labeled their emotions in the past. “I feel bad” or “I’m not having a good day” is as far as they get. Being more specific allows you to focus on the emotional baggage you want to release, so take the time to tell yourself exactly what you’re feeling.

To help you, here are the most common negative emotions that people carry around:

Anger, hostility, rage

Sadness, grief, sorrow

Envy, jealousy

Anxiety, fear, worry, apprehension

Resentment

Humiliation

Rejection

Shame

Step #4: Express the Experience

Take some paper and a pen. Write down what happened to you during your past experience. Put down in detail how you felt, what other people did, and how you reacted afterward.

When you feel satisfied that you’ve expressed what the whole thing was about, take a second sheet of paper and retell the same incident from the other person’s point of view. Pretend that you are that person. Write down what they were feeling, why they acted as they did, and how they responded afterward. This part is harder than writing down the incident from your point of view, but stick with it—you will be taking a big step toward losing your baggage from the past.

When you are satisfied with what you’ve written, take a third sheet of paper and relate the same incident as a newspaper reporter would, in the third person. How would an objective observer tell readers about the incident in question? Give the details as objectively and evenhandedly as you can.

This step takes more time than the previous ones, but people enjoy it immensely. They discover that they are no longer trapped in their own point of view. They can suddenly call upon other voices in their head, a new set of eyes, a greater sense of detachment. It’s all very freeing.

Step #5: Share the Experience

Now share your experience by reading your three accounts to someone else. In a group setting, which is how I normally lead the exercise, people are eager to share, and the whole tone of the room is lifted, filled with excitement and laughter. The prospect of gaining emotional freedom from their past is exhilarating. So if you
are doing the exercise at home, having a partner or a small group really enhances this step.

It works well on your own, however, if you have a good friend or family member you can telephone. Read them your three versions, making sure that they understand why. But don’t call the person who caused you the emotional hurt you’re recounting. They won’t understand and mostly won’t cooperate. Ninety percent of the time they won’t agree with your version of the event in question; they might deny that it even occurred. So stick with someone who is sympathetic and has your best interests at heart.

Step #6: Create a Ritual

Now it’s time to formally let go of your painful experience. Take your written stories and literally let them go. This is done through a ritual where you consign your past to the fire, or symbolically to a higher power that you recognize: the universe, God or the gods, your higher self. You should feel free to devise your own ritual. Set your paper on fire and throw the ashes to the wind or the sea—some people flush them down the toilet. Or they might tear it to pieces and bury them in the backyard.

The ritual is important because it draws a line between your past and who you are right now. If you have fully expressed your old emotion, letting go feels satisfying. But don’t hold yourself to a false standard. Letting go takes time and often more than a few repetitions, because some feelings are securely stuck. But they will go; be patient and persistent. Release what you can today. It’s normal and natural if you find yourself doing later releases around the same hurt.

Step #7: Celebrate

Once you have released your old story to the universe, celebrate your moment of liberation. You can do this alone or with others, just so long as you appreciate the step you’ve taken. I find that people often skip this step unless reminded. They don’t want to make their
emotions a big deal—but in reality they are a big deal. Emotions can trap and bind you, but they can also set you free and change your future.

When you release an old emotion, it’s like abandoning a familiar road that has dead-ended. You need to map out a new road or, in this case, a new pathway in the brain. One try doesn’t take you all the way down your new road, but it’s a start. The famous journey of a thousand miles that begins with one step is yours to travel.