What Are You Hungry For? (16 page)

Several times I’ve underlined the point that you can’t control what you’re not aware of. For me this was a surprising lesson at first, because I overestimated my own awareness, not in all areas but in several. One was my medical career. For years I strove
for success through self-discipline, the kind that got me up at five in the morning so that I could make the rounds at two local hospitals before driving to my private practice, where my patient roster ran into the thousands. Success came, but not the feeling of satisfaction that is supposed to be one of the great rewards of success.

Then one day a wise friend said, “You know, I think you’ve got willpower down. Have you considered acceptance? You don’t have to keep running all the time.” He might have added a few more things that are crucial to finding satisfaction, such as showing gratitude and learning to live in the present.

I had a lot to learn about the art of living. It came to me in the end—or so I hope—and I’d like to spend the rest of this book showing you what that means. I’m disturbed and also moved by the fact that millions of people have become unconscious of what they’re doing with their lives. Happiness isn’t meant to be so elusive. It’s the natural by-product of waking up to who you are and why you are here. You can find out those things only through expanded awareness, but expanded awareness depends on something that comes first: the courage to see your situation without denial or giving in to the temptation to be unconscious.

Let’s start with the way that unconscious behavior applies to overweight, because that’s the situation in which readers of this book find themselves. Hopefully you’ve already begun to change, applying the action steps of awareness eating. But awareness can take you much further, as we’ll see.

Alison is in her early thirties and came for a consultation because she was gaining weight but had no idea why. In her own mind, she was doing everything right.

“I was brought up to eat healthily, and I still do,” she said. “When
my daughter came along—she’s four now—I became extra careful during my pregnancy, cutting out alcohol and junk food entirely. I kept that up after she was born, but my hormones must have changed, because I’m twenty-five pounds heavier than I’ve ever been.”

I asked her if the weight gain started soon after her baby was born. Alison thought for a moment but wasn’t sure.

“It was like two years went by, and suddenly none of my clothes fit anymore,” she said.

We talked about the changes that happened in her life after becoming a new mother. She couldn’t afford to stay home with her child, and going back to work so soon after giving birth put new pressures on Alison that she hadn’t experienced before. There was some strain in her marriage, too, since her husband felt that Alison was putting all her attention on the baby and had less interest in him, particularly when it came to the bedroom. Exhaustion was her main defense, but the strain was still present four years later. She had a lot to face, and often that’s a motivation to bury some things, for fear of being overwhelmed.

I suggested that we postpone any medical tests for the moment (which were likely to be inconclusive, since hormonal imbalance, if we found any, could be the result of gaining weight, not the cause). Instead, I asked Alison to go home and keep a daily record of everything she ate. For each item she was to write down what she ate and how much.

When we met again a week later, she looked chagrined. It turned out that she was eating more than she had imagined—although not that much.

I told Alison that studies where overweight people carefully count calories reveal that they are consuming more than they thought, while at the same time they overestimate how much physical activity they are getting. “When you eat more than you think and are active less than you think, you’re going to gain weight,” I said.

“You could keep a diary of your daily food intake,” I said, “but
most people give up after a while. It’s a tedious task, and they lose motivation. I think your whole problem can be solved by being aware of your eating.”

Alison was surprised and intrigued. Most overeaters are eating in a state of unawareness. They go blank, and it doesn’t take more than a few times before those blank spots add up to excess weight. Instead of being vigilant about how much food one eats (no one can keep track if they’ve gone blank to begin with), you can use the mind-body connection and stay conscious while you eat. Here are the most likely suspects when you investigate those moments of going blank.

Racing through a meal; not really tasting what you’re eating

Snacking while watching TV

Taking second helpings even after you’re full

Automatically finishing your entire plate of food

Eating when you’re tired

Eating when you’re stressed

I told Alison that because she considered herself a healthy eater, just being aware of these vulnerable spots would probably be all that she needed. So far, it’s worked out that way. Alison recognized one major blank spot, which was tension at the dinner table between her and her husband. Both had retreated emotionally, which never solves underlying tensions. Unable to enjoy her meal in a relaxed, appreciative way, Alison still wanted to feel some kind of satisfaction, which came from eating more.

Many people will find it threatening to look at their eating habits only to discover that there’s a lot more to examine. They’d prefer to keep eating in a separate compartment away from emotional or relationship issues. But if you feel this kind of uneasiness, I’d urge you to change your perspective. Denial and avoidance are ways of being
unconscious. What you are unconscious of can’t be changed; in fact, with time the only thing that happens is that buried issues get worse. As one therapist remarked to me, “What you resist persists.”

Alison was fortunate, because she was basically asking for permission to wake up. She didn’t want to be unconscious. Having seen how uncomfortable she felt at the dinner table, she took heart and began to face the issue, which began by admitting her discomfort to her husband. No surprise, he felt much the same way on his side of the dinner table. Both of them wanted to discuss the problems in their marriage, and the good news is that once their feelings were out in the open, they felt better. Anxiety and resentment began to lessen—with the help of a marriage counselor at the beginning—and Alison had less and less reason to overeat. Her life was coming back under control, and almost as a side effect she began to lose weight.

Family Dynamics

Alison’s story is a reminder that few of us eat alone, and we certainly didn’t learn how to eat by ourselves. Every child develops eating habits as part of a family. One of the main reasons for continuing your bad eating habits today is also family. Stop for a moment and consider a typical scene at your dinner table. What’s the mood? How much are the family members interacting? Whatever your answer is, there’s a lot going on at the table besides passing the salt and putting food in your stomach.

Studies have shown that behavior is contagious; it spreads from person to person like an invisible virus. If you have someone in your family who likes to exercise, or even a friend, it’s much more likely that you will exercise, too. On the other hand, if you have family and friends who are obese, your risk of obesity goes up, even though you may not consciously realize what’s happening. As it relates to eating, the viral spread of behavior works either positively or negatively.

Listed here are two categories of “infectious” behavior. The first category contains positive influences regarding eating; the second contains negative influences. Check each item that typically applies to you and your family when you eat together. Use the past
two weeks
as your time frame.

Positive Influences

___ We enjoy being together and create a happy mood.

___ The atmosphere is relaxed.

___ The pace of eating is relaxed.

___ No one is in a rush to leave. We often linger at the table after we’ve finished eating.

___ Appreciation is expressed to the cook.

___ We say a blessing over the food.

___ We eat with relish. No one balks at certain foods or complains about what they’re eating.

___ We realize as a family that healthy eating is enjoyable.

___ We don’t snack before or after meals.

___ Portions are moderate. No one sticks out by eating too much or too little.

___ We are open about our eating habits. If someone is habitually overeating, it can be brought to their attention without hurting their feelings.

___ We pay full attention to the meal. The TV isn’t on in the background. Score: ______

Negative Influences

___ When we eat together, we tend to take each other for granted.
There’s not much talk. One or two family members barely participate.

___ The atmosphere is neutral or tense. Personal remarks are made.

___ The pace of eating is fast so that everyone can go back to what they want to do.

___ As soon as the food is finished, everyone leaves the table. There’s no lingering.

___ Quite often the cook isn’t praised, or somebody mutters a few perfunctory words.

___ We don’t say a blessing or give thanks over the food.

___ Someone complains about what’s on their plate or says that the cooking isn’t good.

___ There’s no discussion about healthy eating.

___ At least one or two of us snack before or after meals.

___ Portions are big. Even so, somebody usually wants second helpings.

___ We don’t talk about our eating habits. If someone is habitually overeating, they don’t welcome it if anyone else notices. How each person eats is their own business.

___ We don’t really pay that much attention to what we’re eating. The TV is sometimes on in the background.

Score: ______

Rating Yourself

If you checked
8 to 12 positive items,
your family dynamic is healthy. Eating dinner together is a complete and satisfying experience. Because you bond so well, you are “infecting” each other with positive behavior, and your efforts to make everyone’s eating even healthier will be welcomed—congratulations.

If you checked
3 to 7 positive items,
you are having a good experience at the dinner table. Your family is likely to be supportive if you change your eating habits to lose weight or simply to eat more
healthily. (Fewer than 3 positive items means that you likely fall into the negative group of influences.)

If you checked
8 to 12 negative items,
your family dynamic isn’t good around the table. It is unlikely that you can smoothly change your eating habits, either to lose weight or to eat more healthily. You need to stop the “infection” of bad habits by working on yourself. Start following the principles of awareness eating and gradually move your family in the right direction as far as introducing a healthy diet. The best way to induce change is away from the table—there will be too much resistance if you spring any changes without notice. Sit down and talk about ways to eat better that everyone can agree on, even if the changes are small. Meanwhile, gain the benefits of working on yourself. The family setting may not be ideal, but that shouldn’t stop you.

If you checked
3 to 7 negative items,
your family dynamic is stuck in bad habits and unconscious behaviors. The situation probably doesn’t feel that serious to you, but even neutral eating can’t be called satisfying. The dinner table at your house is likely to be a place where a truce has been drawn. One or more family members aren’t happy being there, or a general air of indifference may prevail. The good news is that you have a good chance of coaxing everyone else to join you either to lose weight or to eat more healthily. Your meals need to be more satisfying, and there’s lots of room for that. Consult the Ayurvedic advice about making meals tastier and more vibrant.

If you have stubborn eaters who are completely resistant to change, be strategic. Invite them to join you in your new regimen. Give them a week or two to see how much you like your new way of eating. If you still meet with strong resistance, tell anyone in the family who is sixteen or older that they must take some responsibility for what they eat. This could involve several choices:

You Have a Right to Be Aware

As much as you will benefit from being more aware, others don’t see it that way. Their agenda is to keep you unaware. The food industry is often blamed—and rightfully so—for stuffing excess sugar, salt, and fat into its processed products. But what is more pernicious is its attack on awareness. Foods are deliberately manufactured to encourage robotic eating, such as “munching rhythm,” where the teasing taunt made famous by Lay’s potato chips comes true: “Bet you can’t eat just one.” The snack industry and fast-food chains want you to obey the automatic hunger response created by too much salt and fat, which are appetite stimulants. In addition, they pour on the same
three tastes—salty, sweet, and sour—that trigger salivation. You’ll recall that Ayurveda considers these tastes the ones most likely to lead to imbalances.