We're Flying (20 page)

Alice had grown up as an only child, while Niklaus’s siblings had no children themselves, so he and Alice knew only other adults. When friends of theirs came to have children, they usually lost contact soon after. If families came to visit, Niklaus and Alice were usually tense and impatient, and reacted clumsily to the clumsy efforts of the children to make friends. Then Niklaus
would feel ashamed of himself. He had never regretted not having children, but sometimes he regretted that he had never even felt the desire to have any.

FROM NOW ON
, the Stuttgarters were often in their garden. Half the time the children would be squabbling, and the rest of the time they contrived to be just as noisy. The older of the two was a girl of about six. Every so often, for no evident reason, she liked to issue a piercing scream. Her brother was maybe half her age. He was capable of keeping himself amused for fully a quarter of an hour at a time by bashing two objects together. He would only stop when his father yelled at him. Then the mother would yell at her husband, and he would shout loudly back. The coarse dialect didn’t exactly improve matters. At other times Niklaus would see through the shrubbery between the two properties how the man knelt in the grass beside the woman in her deck chair, and rubbed her with tanning lotion. She would have her bikini top off, and he was kneading away at her breasts, seemingly unconcerned whether anyone could see him. Eventually the two of them would disappear, and a quarter of an hour later, Niklaus would hear one or another of the children banging on the front door, calling for the parents.

Alice could stand the noise for ten minutes at most. A few days later, the mere sight of the neighbors in their garden made her turn on her heel. They took their meals indoors now, when they didn’t go to the local trattoria. Niklaus would propose trips, but Alice turned them all down. She was at war, and had to guard the terrain. Why don’t you say something? she demanded. Niklaus looked blank and shrugged his shoulders. What can I say? If they were playing music outside, or making noise at night, then I could complain. I can’t tell them not to talk. Children can’t help being noisy. A rotten upbringing isn’t punishable. Common is what they are, said Alice, and Niklaus nodded thoughtfully.

WHEN NIKLAUS WAS SITTING
alone on the terrace, he would catch himself repeatedly looking across to the neighbors’ garden. The woman lay out on her deck chair all day long, doing her puzzles. She had taken to sunning herself topless. She had small firm breasts that reminded Niklaus of those of the Polynesian women in Gauguin’s paintings. He felt a desperate desire to go over and touch them.

Sometimes the man would take the children to the beach, and Niklaus would prowl restlessly around the
property, imagining how he might get into conversation with the woman. He would make some casual remark, and she would ask him where he was from. Oh, Switzerland, we only ever drive through it. Then she would realize the laundry was still in the machine. She would put on her top and he would follow her inside, where it was cool and quiet. She would look him long in the eye. Well, what about it? she would say, and take him by the hand.

When Niklaus turned around he saw Alice standing at the window. She seemed to be observing him. He went inside. Alice hadn’t stirred, she was still standing by the window, as though he were still outside. He laid one hand on her shoulder; she tried to shrug it off, but he wouldn’t let her, and spun her around to face him, and kissed her. It took a while before Alice responded, and after a bit she freed herself, and said with a sarcastic laugh that the laundry must be finished. Niklaus followed her into the little room off the kitchen where the washing machine stood and watched as she took out their clothes, giving each individual item a shake. He followed her into the garden and helped her hang up the wet clothes. She kept the underthings separate, and draped them indoors on a little rack, as she did at home. I have the feeling nothing gets properly dry here, she said. Her voice sounded softer than usual. That’ll be on account of the
high humidity, said Niklaus. And they don’t get properly clean either, said Alice. This time she didn’t resist when Niklaus kissed her.

THEY LAY SIDE BY SIDE
in silence. Alice had covered herself with a sheet, even though it was hot. Her expression kept changing, switching among the most diverse feelings: surprise, mockery, tenderness, grief. She seemed unable to decide on any one of them. Niklaus tucked his hand under the sheet and stroked her breasts, which were satin soft and had grown fuller over time. They hadn’t slept together in ages, in fact he couldn’t remember the last time. If you think …, he began, and stopped. Alice turned to him quickly, smiled affectionately, and looked away again. He wanted to talk about what had just happened, wanted to use the intimacy of the half hour to influence the day ahead of them, but in the end he just asked Alice what she felt like doing. Should we drive somewhere? She said she was hungry, but to Niklaus it was as though she had said, That felt so good. We still are a couple. I’m glad. We could have something to eat in town, he suggested. No, said Alice, I feel faint, I need something right away. She took a deep breath and stood up. For a moment she remained standing by the bed,
looking down at Niklaus. He liked lying in front of her like that, naked and relaxed and vulnerable. Alice often made comments about his weight, and he knew she went for slimly built men, but she was looking at him with devotion. I’ll just have a quick shower, she said. Niklaus got up too. He heard cries from outside. He went over to the window and saw the Stuttgarters evidently on their way to the beach, weighed down with bags and inflatable toys and a cooler. All four of them had on colored clogs and ridiculous sunglasses, the mother had put on a skimpy beach dress and the father was in shorts and a T-shirt with BABEWATCH on it in big letters.

IN THE AFTERNOON
Alice and Niklaus set out on a trip for the first time in almost a week. They were going to the nature reserve, not far from their village. They were most of the way there when Alice realized she had left the binoculars behind, so they turned back.

Only a few of the parking spots at the visitors’ center were taken. With this heat, everyone was at the beach—who but they would think of going birding? They followed a dusty gravel path, with bushes on one side and a narrow creek on the other, toward a wood. Niklaus felt tired from lunch and he was sweating, but he was in good spirits, whistling away
to himself. Alice didn’t speak much, not even to complain about the heat. When they reached the wood, it was barely any cooler than it had been out in the open. Niklaus kept stopping to consult a brochure about the reserve he had found in their house. If we keep heading in this direction we should reach the sea in half an hour or so.

In fact it was an hour later when they finally reached the sea. Alice kept herself to a few ironic remarks about Niklaus’s sense of direction. There were supposed to be nightingales in the park, but they didn’t see anything except a common buzzard and a few gray herons and moorhens on a pond.

There were lots of pieces of driftwood on the sand, limbs, sometimes whole trees, worn smooth by the wind and the waves and bleached silver by the sun. Alice took her shoes off and paddled in her bare feet. Do you fancy a dip? asked Niklaus. Alice looked at him questioningly. I’m sure there’s no one around.

They quickly undressed and ran into the water. They were both excited, and kept glancing around at the shore. Imagine if someone steals our clothes, said Niklaus. Then we’ll have to stay in the woods, said Alice, and eat berries and hunt wild boar. And I’ll break into remote farmhouses at night, and steal eggs and the odd bottle of Chianti, said Niklaus.

After their swim they lay in the sun to dry, then they brushed the sand off each other. Alice giggled when she saw Niklaus had an erection. Not that as well, she said. She left her hand on his thigh a moment, as though thinking about something, but then she got dressed.

It was getting dark when they returned to the visitors’ center, their car was the last one in the parking lot. Since they didn’t feel like cooking, they thought they would have a bite in town. It was midnight before they got back. Next door, the lights were still on.

THE FOLLOWING DAY
Alice and Niklaus had breakfast outside. There was no sound from next door. They spent the entire morning reading. It was quiet. The SUV was out on the street, their neighbors had to be home, but they didn’t put in an appearance in the garden, not even in the afternoon. Maybe someone complained, said Alice, or maybe they’ve got food poisoning, and they’re all lying in bed with stomachaches. The silence didn’t seem quite real to her, she kept looking up from her book. Just be glad, said Niklaus. I never said they had to shut themselves away in the house, said Alice, of course kids need to run around and let off steam. It’s just a matter of how they do it. At one point a man in a suit showed up on the property and went
inside; a little later he went away again. Later on another man came, but he didn’t stay long either.

I wish it was always this way, said Alice when things continued quiet the next day. They sat in the garden and played Scrabble. Alice had brought the dictionary from home so that they could look up any contentious words, but there were none. They both seemed a little distracted. Once, Niklaus saw someone walking past the windows next door, but he couldn’t quite make out who it was. I keep thinking about them, said Alice, it’s almost as though they were less intrusive when they were noisy. At least I could tune it out.

In the late afternoon they went down to the beach. They rubbed each other’s backs with sunscreen, and Niklaus felt as though Alice’s touch had changed since they had slept together, not more tender perhaps, but more aware. He too took his time about it, and noticed how Alice liked it when he pressed his fingertips against her spine and over her shoulder blades. It looks as though the vacation has turned out all right after all, she said. One week of rain, one week of fine weather, said Niklaus, I don’t think we can complain. Do we need anything? Bread and prosciutto, said Alice, we’ve still got some cheese. And something for tomorrow. I feel like cooking. Do you have money on you?

THE SHOPKEEPER
, who usually greeted them boisterously, today merely nodded and mumbled something. Wonder what got into him, said Alice, filling up their basket. Olives? she asked, holding up a jar of black olives. Niklaus nodded, and went over to the wine section, to look at the prices and compare them with what they had been quoted at the estates. When he turned, he saw Alice standing at the meat and cheese counter. The shopkeeper was jabbering away to her. Niklaus went outside and read the headlines of the German newspapers on the rack. A moment later, Alice came out of the store, looking upset. She walked off, not turning to look for him. He caught up to her in a few quick strides and asked what the matter was. That little boy is dead, she said, the father ran him over. He was backing up into the road, and didn’t see him behind him. They walked silently back to their vacation home. Niklaus put the shopping away. Alice stood leaning against the kitchen table, watching him. What shall we do? she asked, when he had finished. There’s nothing we can do, said Niklaus, we don’t even know their names. We could ask them if they need anything, said Alice. It must have happened the day we spent at the nature reserve. The shopkeeper said the father’s cries could be heard all over town. I’m glad we weren’t here then, said Niklaus, and he felt rather cowardly. That evening, they ate standing up in the kitchen.

•  •  •

WHEN NIKLAUS AWOKE
, it was just getting light. He checked his watch, it was a few minutes past five. Alice was gone. He found her in the living room. There was no light on, and she was by the window in her nightgown. When he came in, she quickly turned to him and then looked away again. He came up behind her and laid his hands on her shoulders. For a while they stood there in silence, and then Alice said, They’re leaving. Only now did Niklaus see that the back of the black SUV was open. Look, said Alice, and Niklaus saw the man from Stuttgart coming through the garden carrying a suitcase that seemed to be very heavy. Together they watched him come and go a few more times. Last of all, he carried the damaged tricycle to the car. He could find no room for it, and pulled out some of the already packed things, looked at everything in bewilderment, and packed everything back in. Then he went into the house.

Maybe that’s why I never wanted to have children, said Alice very quietly. Because I was afraid of losing them. We’re bound to lose each other sometime anyway, said Niklaus. That’s not the same thing, said Alice, that’s in the natural way of things.

Niklaus went into the kitchen to put on the coffee. Then he heard Alice calling him. He went to her, and put
his arm round her bony shoulders. Now! she breathed, as though something long-awaited was at last happening, and she pointed. The man had left the house again, he was supporting the woman who walked beside him with slumped shoulders and lowered head, leading their daughter by the hand. The woman was wearing a heavy wool sweater over her summer dress. The man walked her to the car and helped her get in, as though she were handicapped or very old. The little girl stood quietly next to the rear door, until the father came around for her, and carefully strapped her into the child seat. Last of all, he got in himself. Through the window, they heard the engine start, then the headlights were switched on, and the car rolled very slowly away.

Niklaus heard the coffee machine spluttering in the kitchen, but he didn’t pay it any attention. He pulled off his pajama bottoms and drew Alice to him by the hips. Urgently he raised her nightie and reached a hand up between her legs. They made love standing up, more forcefully than a few days before. Alice didn’t say a word, he was hardly aware of her breathing.

Holy Sacrament

R
EINHOLD STOOD BY
the window, looking out. A couple of men were walking by, and instinctively he took a step back. If he was honest, he was afraid of the people here, they were so moody and sullen. Their coarse language repelled him, and their humor shocked him. His predecessor had been like them, a rough, noisy man who went out drinking with his flock on Saturday night and preached to them on Sunday.