Well-Tempered Clavicle (38 page)

Reassured, she began eating with gusto.

“Delicately,” he murmured. “So as to give the impression of royalty.”

She nodded and ate more carefully.

“You seem to be quite the host,” Dawn remarked.

“It is the way I will be when I am with you,” Piper said. “I am not royal, but you are, so I will be your consort, and wish never to embarrass you.”

This dialogue made Picka uneasy.

In due course Dawn and Granola repaired to the ladies’ room, with Dawn taking over the quiet instruction for the giantess. Picka was not sure what ladies did there, but understood it was not polite to inquire.

“It has been interesting to interact with you, Picka Bone,” Piper said. “You are a fine musician.”

“Not as fine as you are,” Picka said. He did not like complimenting this person, but it was the truth.

“Ah, but you overlook the subjective element. That is of course why we have a judging panel. They may well prefer your style.”

Picka found this awkward, so wanted to change the subject. But what he said surprised him. “I think you were treated unfairly.”

“Oh?” Piper inquired, surprised.

“You were doing your job. You trusted a woman. She betrayed you. You were horribly punished for that, while she wasn’t.”

“Not so,” Piper said. “I understood my mission. I allowed personal preference to expose my mission to risk. The woman had a mission of her own, which she accomplished. That forfeited what I had accomplished, and so Demon Pundit rebuked me. I had it coming.”

“Rebuke! He transformed you into a monster!”

“Demons have ways to make their annoyance known.”

“Wouldn’t a simple verbal rebuke or penalty have been enough?”

Piper shook his head. “Not when dealing with a Demon. I was criminally foolish. I will not be so again. That was the real lesson here.”

“And Pundora. She betrayed you again.”

“Ah, but I knew her nature. I never trusted her. I merely traded favors with her for our mutual convenience. She had a very fine body, in contrast to her sneaky mind. There is a lot to be said for access to such a body, when one’s own form drives away most women. I knew she would be gone again when she found a suitable nonmonster to be with. You were shrewd to arrange that; I congratulate you on an effective ploy.”

“I don’t like that ploy. We simply had to try to stop you from following us. But you outsmarted us; you made us follow you.”

“And I did not like
that
ploy. Many innocent people suffered. But we all do what we have to do.”

“I don’t want to fight you.”

“Ah, but you have to, Picka. If you simply walked away, the princess would follow you, much as Pundora followed Attila. I respect you, but I need to be rid of you, so that she has no choice but to marry me. I know you will not be corrupted, and I know it is not cowardice that repels you, so you have no choice.”

“Bleep,” Picka muttered.

“A worthy sentiment. However, our personal feelings have little relevance when we interact with Demons.”

Worse, Picka discovered that he was beginning to like Piper. The man did have a case.

Dawn and Granola returned, cutting off any further dialogue. Picka was satisfied with that.

They finished the meal and adjourned to the dance floor. “I believe we have two couples,” Piper said. “Granola, would you care to make a third?”

“I don’t think I know how to dance,” she demurred.

“Not so. In Caprice, any person who sets foot on the dance floor develops the capacity. You will not embarrass yourself. It is one of the many nice things about the castle.”

She considered only half a moment. “In that case, yes. I have never had the chance to interact on an even physical basis with ordinary human beings, so I might as well indulge while I can.”

Piper took her hand and led her to the floor. Music sounded. Then he moved into the couple position, his arm around her waist, and they danced. Sure enough, she was perfectly in step. “Marvelous!” she breathed.

Skully and Joy’nt embraced and moved out onto the floor, similarly competent. Even the pets participated, with Midrange and Erin matching motions and Woofer and Tweeter doing individual dances.

“That wipes out any excuse you had,” Dawn murmured to Picka. “Now come with me.”

She took him to the bedroom, made him invoke the transformation spell, and efficiently dressed him in living flesh clothes. She combed his hair and neatened his cravat. “You will do, handsome.”

They returned to the dance floor. The others were still dancing; the two of them had not been gone long. Now Picka danced with Dawn in fleshly form, and he was indeed competent, while she was surely the source for all human dreams.

Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder. It was Piper. “May I cut in for one dance?” he inquired.

Reluctantly Picka stepped back, and Piper danced with Dawn. They made a lovely couple. It was clear that if Piper won the match and Dawn, he would indeed not embarrass her. Since Picka expected to lose, that was perversely reassuring.

“Dance?” It was Granola. So he danced with her, and she was graceful despite her age. In fact, she did not seem old at all; she seemed to have youthened since entering the castle. “I think he is trying to weaken your resolve,” she said, “so you won’t fight as well. Don’t let him do it.”

“The man’s a better musician than I am!” he protested.

“Yes, but that doesn’t guarantee he will win. You do your best, so as to maximize your chances.”

“I will try,” he said humbly.

In due course the dance concluded. That was just as well, because Picka’s hour was almost up. It was time to retire. Skully and Joy’nt linked hand bones and walked to their bedroom. Dawn took hold of Picka’s hand.

“It seems that there are two of us left over,” Piper said to Granola. “Would you care to share my bedroom this night?”

“Thank you, but I have one of my own.”

He merely waited.

Then she caught on to the nature of his invitation. “But I’m old!” she protested.

“Have you looked in a mirror? You don’t look your age. That is part of the enchantment.”

She walked to a hall mirror. “Oh!”

“You would not embarrass yourself in that manner either,” Piper said. “It is an opportunity for another kind of normal human experience you may not often have a chance for in the future. There is, of course, no other commitment implied. It is purely for fun.”

“And you?” she asked. “What is your interest in this?”

He laughed. “You forget, I am a man. I am always interested, and my temporary woman decamped with Gattila the Gun. I am eager to be with any willing woman, for an hour or a night.”

This time she considered a full half moment. “Why not?” She went with him to his bedroom.

“It’s really quite a castle,” Dawn said.

So it seemed.

As they entered their room, Picka’s hour was up and he reverted to skeletal form. “Bleep!” Dawn swore.

“Bleep?”

“I wanted to make love with you before you reverted.”

“Maybe tomorrow, when the spell renews.”

“That’s right! It should renew after midnight. That’s only a couple hours away. Picka, I’m not going to sleep now; I’ll wait for it.”

“But why?”

A look passed across her face that made him nervous. It hinted of devious living-female wiles he was not equipped to understand. “Isn’t it enough that I want to do it?”

“I’m not sure it is.”

“I may explain in due course. Now let’s just enjoy each other’s company. Have you anything to say to me?”

“Yes, actually. I talked with Piper. He’s really not a monster. He’s a man with a mission.”

She frowned. “That was not what I meant.”

Evidently he was not being clear. “Piper seems halfway worthy, and he is alive. He will treat you well.”

“Bleep.”

“I don’t understand.”

“If I have to, I will marry Piper, and be all that he desires. Those are the terms of the deal we made. But I don’t want to marry him, I want to marry you. Because you are worthy also, and you can be alive for key aspects.”

“Key aspects?”

“Such as summoning the stork. And I can be a skeleton for making a skeleton baby. Maybe we can have one of each, and raise them together, brother and sister. It might be Xanth’s most unusual family. But one other thing overrides all others.”

“It does?”

“I love you, you numskull.”

Oh. “And I love you, Dawn.”

“
That
was what I meant.”

Oh, again. “But I am not at all sure I will win tomorrow’s combat. So I want you to be secure regardless.”

“That’s nice, Picka. I am making sure I will have at least some happiness, regardless.”

“Making sure? This must be a fair contest, or it won’t count.”

“By getting what part of you I can, regardless of the outcome of the contest.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I will signal the stork for your baby. The contest outcome will not be able to undo that.”

“But—”

A clock bonged in the castle. “Midnight. Invoke the spell, Picka.”

“But—”

“Do it.”

Overwhelmed by her intensity, he invoked the spell. She was right: it was restored, and he became fleshly again.

Then it was a blur of activity and pleasure. He lost count of the number of times she got him to summon the stork. There might be a whole flight of storks arriving with their bundles. He was almost relieved when the spell finally expired, because he was exhausted.

“But I would rather marry you,” she murmured as she went to sleep.

He was left holding her, realizing that she had indeed made her move. She might marry Piper, but her first child would be Picka’s. Only she would know, perhaps, but that was enough.

Living women could indeed be devious.

*   *   *

In the morning they all shared a nice breakfast. Piper remained urbane, and Granola looked refreshed and amazed.

“We have certain things to arrange,” Dawn said briskly. “I expect to govern Caprice Castle regardless who wins today’s contest, and I want my friends close. Skully, Joy’nt, I presume you will marry in due course.” She paused, but there was no dissent. “I would like the pair of you to take up residence here, and assist me in managing the incoming puns. Is that satisfactory?”

Both nodded. “We’d rather be doing something useful,” Joy’nt said.

“We had no plans,” Skully said. “I’m still new to Xanth proper, and this would make settling in easier.”

“Piper, Picka,” Dawn continued. “You are amenable?”

Again, no objection. Dawn was being princessly.

“You four pets,” Dawn said. “You were wandering, looking for adventure. If you stay here you’ll be seeing all corners and edges of Xanth, spying, sniffing, and identifying puns to be collected by the musician, whoever he may be. It should be interesting. We can use you. We will keep an eye out for suitable lady birds and dogs. Are you interested?”

“Woof!”

“Meow.”

“Mew.”

“Tweet.”

“They have agreed,” Dawn said, glancing again at Piper and Picka. “Amenable?”

“I can see already that pun collecting and processing will be a good deal more efficient than it was before,” Piper said. “I will no longer have to do it alone.”

“I like the pets,” Picka said simply.

“And Granola. You are, in your natural state, an invisible giantess. You have been somewhat lonely. If you joined us you could have our company, and still be free to exit the castle, revert, and roam alone or with us as you choose. You would not, I think, have male company, but it is possible that if you found an invisible giant who was interested in becoming young, handsome, and human while within the castle, that could be arranged. Speaking for myself, I would like to have you here, as a woman not in awe of my status, a friend. You could also be quite useful working with the pets to bring in far-flung puns without attracting outside attention. Are you interested?”

“Yes.”

Dawn glanced at Piper and Picka.

“I like her too,” Picka said.

“She could be extraordinarily helpful,” Piper agreed. “And yes, I would encourage her to find a male companion. The castle will accommodate anyone the princess approves.”

“Then I think those loose ends have been tied,” Dawn said. “It is understood that the contest will determine the future master of Caprice Castle, and past enmities will be laid to rest if not forgotten. I have made clear that I would much prefer to marry Picka, but if that is not to be, I will accommodate Piper in a manner that warrants no complaint. We will all work together to accomplish the castle mission.” She glanced around again. “Agreed, all?”

They all agreed.

“This is exactly the kind of gracious competence I value in a princess,” Piper said. “It will be a far better situation than I had before. I know that none of you are my friends now, but I hope in the course of the future to win at least your respect.” He glanced at Dawn. “This will be a marriage of convenience, as royal liaisons tend to be. Love is not necessary, or even always desired. But it can be earned, and I will sincerely try.”

“I am sure you will,” Dawn said. “It is fortunate that your expectation is low.”

“The lowest expectation is still infinitely better than what I have faced in recent years.”

A nod of understanding went around. He was correct.

They went on with their meal. Picka found his respect for Piper increasing. The man was his enemy, who would probably destroy him before the day was out, but he had qualities to be respected. Indeed, he might in time win the respect of the others, and Dawn’s love.

“Now, unfortunately, it is time,” Piper said as they finished the meal. “I will exit first and take my position. When you exit, Picka, it will be a duel to destruction. You do understand.”

“I understand,” Picka agreed. He hated it, but he accepted it.

They walked to the front door. Piper walked out, crossed the threshold, and became the monster. He slid on through the blackened terrain, turned, and took up a position facing the castle.

Dawn walked out, and went to a chair set on the edge of the castle abutment, where she could watch the proceedings.

Granola emerged, having removed her clothing, passed the threshold, and disappeared. She had reverted to her normal state.