We'll Be Home for Christmas (10 page)

“I have faith you’ll figure it out.” Then Travis headed toward the door. “I’ll wait for you outside.”

Before Spence could come up with a new question, he stood alone in the office. Except for that short period months ago, the sensation usually didn’t bother him. Today it did, so he went to find Lila.

Chapter Ten

Three days later, days of sharing work during the daylight hours and nights twisting with Lila in his bed, Spence stood in the first-floor kitchen of the farmhouse. Travis and Lila lounged in the upstairs television room. It was once a closed-off bedroom but Spence had turned it into a family room. Two days before Christmas and everyone would pour in tomorrow.

He heard footsteps behind him and didn’t have to turn around. He knew the lumbering walk. He’d been hearing it for thirty years. Austin had been back from D.C. for three hours and hanging around ever since. Spence liked having him home, except when he talked about marriage and commitment, and those topics seemed to be the only ones on his baby brother’s mind lately.

Spence closed the refrigerator and set the beverages next to the tray he used to haul snacks upstairs for football-game days. “How about some help?”

Cans clinked together as they worked. “You ready to introduce Lila to Dad and Mitch and Carrie and—”

“Yeah.” That was enough of that. “Speaking of your wife, I thought you were supposed to go pick her up.”

Austin glanced at his watch. “I have exactly fifteen minutes. That was the deal. Drive back and drop her at her parents’ house for three hours of time with her mom then I swoop in. We all meet up again tomorrow.”

“What’s with all the back and forth between houses? Why not just stay over there?”

“Lila. Carrie is dying to meet Lila. I’m surprised she could wait three extra hours.”

Spence should have seen that landmine before he trampled right through it. “I’m stunned you let her out of your sight that long.”

“You should talk.”

“Meaning?” he asked then immediately regretted it. This was exactly the conversation he wanted to avoid. Enough people in Holloway were talking about his love life. The Fall of Spencer Thomas was bigger news than the holiday sales, and Spence didn’t need Austin jumping in.

Austin dug through the bowl of chips and came out with a handful. “You’re living with her.”

“Wrong.”

He ate one then another chip, stretching out the discussion longer than necessary. “Her clothes are in your bedroom and all her brushes and junk are in your bathroom.”

There were some downsides to living in the same house with your brother. Separate floors sometimes failed to provide enough privacy. “You searching through her things now?’

“I can see evidence when it’s right in front of me without digging through anything.” Austin put his hand to his mouth and poured in the chip crumbs.

“She can’t stay at the campground and she can’t stay at Dad’s place since he’ll be home tonight for the holiday.”

Austin brushed his hands on his jeans as he surveyed the beverage tray. For the guy who insisted on exploring this topic, he sure acted like food was more important. “You’re saying you’re acting as her hotel.”

“Exactly.” Spence turned to get some plates out of the cabinets so he wouldn’t have to see the mix of disappointment and disbelief in Austin’s eyes. “There’s nothing else there.”

“Really?”

“That’s all. Some fun between adults.”

Austin’s smile fell. “You can’t be serious.”

“It’s not serious. That’s my point. Sex and fun. You used to understand that theory.”

“Uh, Spence.”

“You married guys act like every date is a step toward engagement. Sometimes it’s just a few dates. Nothing special.”

There was a knock against the wall the second before Travis’s deep voice cut through the room. “Excuse us.”

Spence spun around. Travis and Austin stood on either side of Lila. Her expression stayed blank, unreadable, but Travis was all but spitting fire.

“Hey.” Spence tried to rewind his comments and figure out what had Austin looking so guilty. “We were just about to bring some drinks up.”

No one said anything for what felt like a good ten minutes but was likely a few seconds only. Finally Lila blinked. She cleared her throat. “I need to go.”

That answered the question. She heard and took it wrong. Whatever he’d said had pushed him right back to the “dick” category in her mind and now she was running. He searched her eyes for pain and hurt. He didn’t see anything. Just a bottomless empty gray, and that scared him more than tears.

“Why?” he asked even though he knew.

She shrugged. “Nothing special.”

Damn it
. He didn’t want to do this here, not with an angry audience, but the guys weren’t budging and she looked ready to bolt. “Lila, I—”

“It’s okay, Spence. This should be a family day.” She patted Travis’s arm. “I’ll see you all tomorrow for Christmas Eve dinner as planned.”

When she left, Spence came around the kitchen island, meaning to follow, but Austin and Travis closed in on him. They blocked the path and their matching flatlined lips suggested he’d have to go through both of them to get to her.

“What is the matter with you?” Austin’s question came out as a harsh whisper.

Guilt turned to anger and Spence had two prime targets right in front of him. “This isn’t your business.”

“You basically told her she didn’t matter,” Travis said, his voice vibrating as he spoke.

“I didn’t say anything like that.”

“The loner crap and your theory about relationships being temporary.” Austin looked at the ceiling, mumbling something about being so smart and so dumb at the same time. “Why are you spouting that bullshit?”

“I didn’t know she was standing there. There isn’t a room in this house right now where I can have a second of privacy.”

Travis kept shaking his head. Said something undecipherable under his breath, too. “For a smart guy you are acting really dumb.”

Austin shook his head. “Damn, Spence. Did you see her face?”

Saw and was destroyed by it. The flat eyes hit him like a shot to the throat. And the way the light drained from her face, he could go a lifetime without seeing that again. “She understood what I was saying.”

Travis swore under his breath. “You really are an idiot.”

The fury inside Spence unleashed. All the gossip and Austin’s nagging. It all piled up and came spilling out of Spence. “I’ve about had it with the namecalling.”

Austin joined in Travis’s fury, complete with a clenched jaw and wide-legged battle stance. “That’s too damn bad.”

“Maybe marriage has turned your brain to mush, but not every guy sees relationships like you do.” Spence turned to Travis for support. “Right?”

“I’d like to think if I found the right one I wouldn’t be too blind or stupid not to notice.” Travis exhaled, visibly bringing his anger back under control. “You know she’s falling for you, right?”

Spence shut that thought out. Pushed it out of his head and refused to think about it because if he did then he’d have to admit that he’d made a miserable mess of every dealing he had with her. “No.”

“Do you really not see it?” The shock was evident in Austin’s voice. Spence would have to be deaf not to hear it.

The doubleteam had Spence on the defensive and he hated the feeling, being verbally shoved around, having everything he said challenged. It set off something hot and fiery inside him. “Not everyone goes from dating and sex to the altar. And the ones that do...well, we’ve all seen how most of those work out.” Spence’s shout bounced off the walls and echoed through the house. Once out, he felt winded and achy. He stood there but his mind was with Lila. He wanted to find her and explain he’d been trading barbs with Austin.

“Meaning?” Austin asked.

“Is long-term even realistic? Look around. Maybe a guy is smarter to not take the leap.”

“Wait, do you think Austin’s marriage is temporary?” Travis asked.

No good could come of that conversation. Not with Austin standing there. Not at the holidays. “I’m not getting sucked into this crap.”

Spence tried to shove Austin to the side, but Austin pushed back. He held Spence with a hand pressed against his chest. “Answer the man’s question.”

“This isn’t—”

“Spence. Now.”

With their gazes locked, Spence gave in. “Okay, yes. I think it’s probably temporary.”

Travis walked to the far side of the kitchen, shuffling his boots against the tile. “Damn, Spence. All those degrees and such a warped view of commitment.”

Austin’s hand dropped and his mouth stayed open. He didn’t move. He just stood there, staring.

Seeing the confusion and touch of pain in Austin’s eyes, Spence rushed to explain. “Not because of you or because you’ll cheat or get bored or whatever. It’s just the way of things. Natural.”

They both stared at Spence now with eyes narrowed. It was as if they held their breath, waiting for the next stupid thing to come out of his mouth. He tried again. “One day, not soon and I’m not saying Carrie will want to, but she’ll leave. It will kill her, and a part of her will fight it, but she’ll go. Regardless of the plans you’ve made or what happens to her, it will break you, Austin. Rip you right in half. I dread that fucking day like nothing in this world but I know it’s coming.”

Travis paced around the small area by the sink. Austin watched him circle, then his gaze went back to Spence. “You honestly believe that, don’t you?”

“I’m not looking for a fight.” And Spence wanted to be wrong like nothing else in this world. He’d hand back the degrees and all his money, even sign over the farm and let Austin have it if it meant guaranteeing Austin the lifetime of happiness he deserved.

“I know.”

“It’s what women do. Eventually.” What Lila would do and Spence fought off that future. The thought of her leaving, moving on, had the power to double him over, so he didn’t let it get into his head.

Austin stood right in front of Spence almost willing him to believe. “Carrie isn’t going anywhere.”

The longing in Austin’s eyes was so intense it almost hurt for Spence to look at him. He swallowed because whatever was stuck in his throat threatened to choke him. “Okay.”

“When did this get so fucked up in your head? How could you take all those classes and not understand that every relationship is different?”

“I know what I see.” Spence had watched and experienced and that told him more than any biology or anthropology class could.

“Listen to me.” Austin shifted his weight and put a hand on Spence’s shoulder. “Carrie’s not our mom, or Carrie’s mom or any other woman who’s walked out or wanted to. She’s not going to wake up one day and move on.”

Whatever had clogged Spence’s throat now lodged in his chest and picked away there. “How do you know that?”

“Because Carrie and I talked all of this through before we got married. We worked it out. We built a life around what we both want and made plans for when the kids come and when our needs clash.”

Spence tried to reason it out and only found more arguments. “She left you before.”

“Because she wanted to try something else and because I was too pigheaded to understand she’d seen her mother ripped apart with wanting a different life and that Carrie needed more.”

Spence looked over at Travis. He stood with his head bowed and his arms folded across his chest as he leaned against the sink. He didn’t say a word, didn’t join in, but it was clear he was with Austin on this.

Spence asked the one question that had played in his mind even as he’d stood at the end of the aisle as Austin’s best man and waited for Carrie to walk into the church. Spence loved her and loved her for Austin, but none of this ended well. Not ever. Not that he could see. “What happens when she needs those things more than she needs you?”

“That’s not going to happen.”

Austin sounded so sure and Spence had no idea why. “But how do you know?”

“I believe.”

Austin’s quick answer and rock-solid faith shook Spence. Could it really be that easy? You decide and you believe? “So it comes down to some sort of relationship trust?”

“It’s about knowing she’s the one. It’s about waking up without her and getting sick in my stomach because she’s not beside me. It’s about remembering how empty I was during all those months without her, an emptiness I tried to fill with alcohol, and vowing never to go back there again.”

“I’m not like you when it comes to dealing with people.” The words ripped through Spence. They were true even though he tried for years to make them not be.

When Spence looked away, Austin lowered his head and forced eye contact again. “A week from now or a month from now, or maybe even a year from now, when you decide you can’t have anything permanent with Lila and she leaves because she’s smart and she won’t wait for you to pull your head out of your ass, then what do you do?”

Last week he would have said something about having good memories of great sex, but now he knew differently. He would break into a thousand pieces and putting it all back together again—the wall, the confidence, the not caring—might be impossible.

Austin stepped back then. “She’ll date someone else, Spence. Sleep with him. Smile at him. Hold his hand and laugh at his jokes. Can you stand that?”

The words sliced through him, leaving him cut and bleeding. “I’ll have to.”

“No, that’s the point. You don’t. You’re leaving her before she can leave you.”

Travis exhaled. “Open your eyes and realize you’ve found the one woman who makes sense with you.”

Austin nodded. “Because, big brother, when it comes to making a commitment to a woman, believe it or not we are exactly alike. We both need it. Blame Mom for leaving or whatever you want, but the truth is we’re built for long-term.”

Spence almost fell over. Every part of him ached as if he’d been pummeled for hours by men twice his size. Looking at two of the men he admired most in the world, hearing his father’s voice in his head, Spence wondered if it could be that easy. If he could walk off that cliff and just trust. If he did, he wasn’t walking alone.

* * *

An hour later Lila stood in front of the main cabin at the campground because she didn’t have anywhere else to go. Her hollowed-out stomach growled, but not from hunger. It was empty like every other raw and achy part of her.

She crouched down and opened the toolbox she’d fished out of the cabin. She couldn’t do much but she needed to do something. The metal clanked together but couldn’t cover the hum of the engine from the approaching truck.