Watch Over Me (15 page)

"What the hell is that? It looks like something the cat yacked up!" Zander's eight-year-old
brother, Luke, is the first to break the silence.

"Luke Andrew! Watch your mouth!" Mary scolds.

She tries to keep a straight face so her youngest son knows she means business, but
it's no use. She immediately bursts out laughing, and when everyone else sees that
it's okay, they all join in.

"Oh come on! It's not that bad!" Zander complains. This just makes everyone laugh
even louder.

"I'm sorry we weren't able to make it to the decorating portion of our lesson the
other night," I tell him with a giggle as his mom wipes tears of laughter from her
eyes.

"Oh, honey, you are an amazing doctor, but a baker you are not!" Mary says with a
laugh.

I glance quickly at Zander and see him wince a little at his mother's words.

"You're a doctor?" I ask him in shock. I immediately feel a little inadequate standing
next to him. This is probably why I kept putting off asking him more about himself.
I already knew he was a better person than me and this just proves it. Now I know
why he always seems so together all the time. He's a freaking doctor. He's twenty-two
years old and he's a doctor. Is that even possible? Is he a genius or something? He's
probably been trying to diagnose me since we met. I can't help but feel a little betrayed
by this knowledge even though it's my fault for never pursuing more information about
him.

"No! I'm not a doctor," he quickly reassures me when he sees the obvious look of alarm
on my face. "I'm an x-ray technician."

Mary scoffs and lightly shoves his shoulder. "Don't be so modest. It's much fancier
than that. He's a specialist in rad-"

"Mom! Seriously, this is your birthday. For one day, you can hold off on bragging
about me," Zander says with an uncomfortable laugh, effectively cutting her off. "Come
on, everyone dig in. I swear it tastes better than it looks. I had a really good teacher."

He leans down and kisses the top of my head, and I close my eyes, savoring his closeness
and pushing away the negative feeling of knowing yet another fact has been added to
the growing list of things about Zander that make him more put together than I'll
ever be.

Without hesitation, everyone grabs a plate while his mother slices up pieces of the
leaning tower of cake. Some people sit at the table and others stand, but everyone
eats the cake and agrees that it definitely tastes much better than it looks. The
conversation flows easily, and I find myself being pulled into the happiness of their
family and surprisingly have no problem talking and laughing with each of them. The
ache in my heart at how many birthdays and holidays I spent exactly like this one
isn't completely far from my thoughts, though. In the back of my mind is sadness and
regret that my family fell apart so easily. The glue that held us all together is
missing, and now we barely speak to one another, let alone gather in each other's
houses like this to celebrate together.

"Oh, Zander, I forgot to ask you, did you hear about Tina Reddy's mom? They just found
out she has Leukemia," Mary says sympathetically.

The bite of cake in my mouth goes down roughly, and I set my plate on the counter
next to where I'm standing.

"You went to high school with Tina, didn't you?" his dad asks. "We just saw her parents
a few months ago when we were out to dinner. Sad news."

Zander clears his throat uncomfortably and shifts his feet next to me.

"I guess it was a total shock. She's been feeling under the weather for a while and
they ran some blood work. I feel so bad for that family. She's such a nice woman and
now this. I should give them your cell number in case they have any—"

"Hey, we forgot to sing happy birthday," Zander says quickly.

The conversation about Tina Reddy's mom is forgotten as everyone gathers around Mary
to sing, but the damage has already been done. I'm standing here in Zander's parent's
kitchen thinking about that day a few years ago when we received similar news.

Mom had the flu for a little over a week now and when she called her doctor, he told
her she might as well come in for some tests. "Better to be safe than sorry," he said.
When I got out of school and finished with cheerleading practice, I sent her a text
to see what was going on, and she said she was still at the hospital waiting for the
doctor to come and talk to her. My dad ran to the bakery to close out the register
for the end of the day, so she was sitting there alone, bored out of her mind.

When I got to the hospital, I went straight to the room number she sent me in the
text and was surprised to see her in a hospital gown in bed.

"What are you doing getting all comfy and lazy? Shouldn't you be getting out of here
soon?" I joked as I walked up to her bedside and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I have Leukemia." She blurted it out in a shocked voice, her face void of emotion.

"What?" I whispered as I pulled back so I could see her face.

Maybe I didn't hear her correctly or she misunderstood what the doctor said.

"The doctor just left. I'm going to be transported to Metro Hospital as soon as they
can get an ambulance here."

She said it so calmly, like she was talking about the weather, not a life-threatening
illness. While I was driving over there, blasting Top Forty radio and worrying about
a stupid Spanish test I had the next day, my mother was getting these test results
and she was all alone.

I wanted to curl up in bed with her and cry. Cancer was serious business. A lot of
people received treatment and went on to lead healthy lives, but it was still scary.
My mother was a rock and rarely got sick, aside from the occasional cold. This was
big and it was bad, especially if they wanted to transport her to the largest hospital
in the state that quickly. I couldn't get upset now, though. She needed me to be strong.
She needed to know that I trusted the doctors to get her through this and that we
would look back on this one day as just a bad moment in time, something easily forgotten.

"Okay, good. You'll go to Metro, start getting treatment, and then you'll be fine.
Plus, you'll get to ride in an ambulance, hopefully with some really hot EMT's," I
told her with a smile, pushing the worry I had for her as deep as it would go.

"They better be good-looking. The oncologist that was just in here is fugly," she
told me with a laugh, reaching for my hand and squeezing it tight.

I clutched onto her and put on the bravest smile I could muster.

"I love you, Sweets," she told me softly.

"I love you too. Everything will be fine. You'll see."

The sound of singing comes to a close, and I force myself to join in on the last few
bars of
Happy Birthday
.

"Oh my gosh, did you hear about Josh Mendleson?" Zander's uncle asks around a mouthful
of cake.

"The town drunk? Has anyone
not
heard about what he did?" Mary says with a roll of her eyes.

"Wait, I must have missed this, what happened?" one of the cousins pipes in.

"That idiot should just live in rehab. Why they even let him out anymore is beyond
me," Mary states bitterly. "He just got his fifth D.U.I. and threw a punch at the
sheriff who pulled him over."

Groans echo around the table as I listen to them complain about a man who is the father
of Loren Mendleson, someone I went to high school with. I only met the man once when
I was in tenth grade and dropped Loren off after school. I don't know much about him,
but he sounds like he could be my father's twin. I have to force myself to not show
any reaction to the words they're saying.

"What a waste of space that guy is. How can someone turn into such a loser like that?
Can you imagine being in his family? They are probably completely mortified. I don't
know how they can even show their faces around town. They should just move. There's
obviously no hope for him. He's going to keep screwing up, and his family is going
to pay the price," Zander's dad says with disgust.

I wasn't that close with Loren in school, but I know what she's probably feeling,
and it isn't mortification. She doesn't care that the whole town is talking about
her father over cake. She cares that her life is most likely spiraling out of control
and she has no way of stopping it because of her father's actions. She looks at the
person who raised her and loved her and wonders why he would do something like that
and hurt everyone in his life. She wonders why he didn't love her enough to stay sober.
I suddenly want to knock on Loren's door and tell her I understand, but most of all,
I want to get out of this room and away from the talk of town drunks. It hurts to
hear people I just met and genuinely liked judging someone they know nothing about.
It breaks my heart to think that if they knew half the things my father has said and
done, they'd look at me differently and judge
me
.

It was bad enough having to think about the day my mother was diagnosed with Leukemia,
but this is too much. I suddenly feel claustrophobic being in this room, like the
walls are closing in on me and I'm running out of air. I turn and walk quickly from
the room, ignoring Zander's voice as he calls to me. When I'm out of view of the kitchen,
I take off running through the house until I reach the front door, throwing it open
and charging out into the warm sunshine. I run down the steps of the front porch and
out into the middle of the yard, stopping when I get far enough away from the house
that I can breathe. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I hold myself together as
I turn my face up to the sun and close my eyes, letting the bright rays warm my face
and heat up the coldness that washed through me while standing in Zander's parent's
kitchen.

I had stuck my head out beyond the wall, just like Dr. Thompson suggested, and now
I just want to run back behind it. I want to crawl back to the other side where I
know no one can hurt me with their words and actions; where I can listen to people
complain about drunks and not let it affect me; where I can hang out with a happy
family and not hate what's become of my life because I don't have that anymore.

Dr. Thompson lied. As soon as I left the comfort of my wall, the bricks I carefully
put in place began crumbling. As soon as I took one step forward and let Zander in,
there was nothing left of my protection but a pile of dust and debris.