WARM WINTER KISSES a feel good Christmas romance novel (12 page)

His arms around me felt so natural, familiar and comforting. The last time I’d been as close with a man was when Rocco had tucked me up in bed. Then the overwhelming power of his presence had made me feel dangerously out of control. Like a shooting star quivering through the sky, not sure which direction I was going in or where I was about to land, but enjoying the trip hugely. In contrast, being here now, just felt safe. Who needed to reach for the stars when you had the clouds under your feet?

Martin held me at arm’s length, looking intently into my face.

‘You have nothing to apologise for. Really. That’s all in the past. We’ve got to look forward now. Move on. Both of us.’

I knew it. Moving forward. The two of us. Somehow I knew we could make this work.

‘Fancy going for that walk now?’

‘Good idea,’ I said. ‘I’ll just grab my coat.’

Chapter 13

The early morning frost had refused to budge. It lingered long into the afternoon, spreading a blanket of whiteness over the fields and trees. It was less than three weeks until Christmas and the views unfolding before us wouldn’t have shamed any festive card.

We walked together, shoulder-to-shoulder, Millie running ahead, her paws leaving an imprint on the sugar-iced ground, her brown-tipped tail wagging gaily on its way.

‘When do you finish here?’ Martin’s wind-flushed face looked out from beneath the hood of his grey fleece, his hands thrust deep into its pockets.

I shrugged. ‘My contract takes me up to Christmas. Filming should be finished by then and all of the work on the book will be done, so I’m guessing Rocco will be back in London running his restaurants.’ The cold stung my eyes and I wiped a tear away with my glove.

‘Then what will you do?’

His question was like a knife through my heart. I hadn’t wanted to think about it. I didn’t want to face that uncertain future. Falling into this job, this life with Rocco and Sylvia and Millie, meant I hadn’t needed to make any decisions. In a way, those life changes had been foisted upon me and I couldn’t help thinking how lucky I’d been.

‘I’m not sure,’ I admitted, wondering if Martin was sounding me out. ‘I’ve not really thought that far ahead.’ I took a deep breath, the icy air catching at the back of my throat. ‘I’ll go back to London, to the flat, and find another contract, I suppose.’ My heart slumped to the bottom of my wellies at the thought. I wasn’t sure I could face it alone. Not after everything that had happened.

Martin took hold of my hand, squeezing it in encouragement.

‘New Year, new start, that kind of thing.’

‘Yeah.’ I shrugged, feeling nothing but despair at the thought of an empty diary stretching out in front of me. But maybe it wasn’t such a bleak future. After all, why else would Martin be here with me?

‘What about you? Have you made any plans for next year?’

Martin climbed over the stile that led from the field onto the towpath. Millie squeezed beneath the gate and stood beside him, looking at me anxiously, urging me to get a move on. I climbed over into Martin’s waiting arms, his face expectant, his eyes shining with hope, just as I remembered they had when we’d first met all those years ago.

‘Lots of them,’ he said grinning, barely able to contain his excitement. ‘Come on, that’s the pub over there, is it?’ He pointed to the outline of The Anchor, its welcoming lights illuminating the waterfront, ‘I’ll tell you all about them over a pint.’

* * *

The pub was heaving, families enjoying their Sunday roasts, a group of guys indulging in some post-match ribaldry and heavy duty drinking, couples exchanging eye contact and Christmas plans. Martin fought his way to the bar and ordered some drinks, a pint of the local ale for him and a nice glass of Merlot for me, before we settled in the only remaining seats, tucked away in the darkest corner of the pub. Millie positioned herself beneath my chair, curling up in a tight ball, her head resting on my foot.

‘Cheers! Here’s to a bright future. For the both of us.’

I couldn’t help but feel excited, a warm swell of anticipation travelled down my breast bone. Well anyone would, wouldn’t they?

‘So come on then,’ I said leaning across the table, my voice dropping to barely more than a whisper. I was itching to know. I looked around me furtively, making sure no one could overhear our intimate conversation. ‘Your plans?’ I resisted the urge to rub my hands together in a Fagin-esque manner. ‘Tell me all about them.’

He beamed. He’d clearly been building up to this moment.

‘Well . . .’ he said, pausing for breath dramatically.

I smiled, wishing he’d drop the cat who’d got the cream act and just get on with it. Over the table, he reached for my hands and looked deep into my eyes, his mouth opened, his eyes looked away.

‘Um . . .’ and then his mouth closed again. ‘God, where do I start, Beth? This really isn’t easy.’

I smiled, nodding encouragingly. Come on, come on, I wanted to shout. I’m almost wetting my knickers here. There’s only so much suspense one girl can take.

‘Look,’ he fumbled around in his jacket and for one brief, delirious moment I thought he was going to pull out a small black box. Breathlessly, I waited, trying to suppress the smile twitching at the corners of my mouth. Instead, after further fumbling, he retrieved his handkerchief from his pocket and blew his nose rather noisily. I sighed, but I wasn’t about to let anything spoil this moment.

‘Something’s happened to me, Beth. Something magical. It was all so sudden really. Something I could never have expected. Especially after all that happened between us. It was like a bolt out of the blue.’

I was sitting on my hands now, squirming in my seat, to stop myself from jumping up and flinging my arms around Martin’s shoulders and crying, ‘yes, yes, yes! A revelation! I’ve had one too.’

‘I mean we’d known each other for years and always got on fabulously well, but working together so closely, like we have over the last few months made us realise the full extent of our feelings for each other.’

I was nodding in complete understanding, a beatific smile upon my lips. I knew exactly where he was coming from. Or did I? My mind did a quick rewind of those last words he’d uttered, ‘
working together, so closely, like we have over the last few months.
’
What was he going on about? I tilted my head to one side, my puzzlement obviously evident.

‘Sue,’ he said, as if it was patently obvious, ‘my colleague from work. You know, you met her briefly at Lexi’s party.’

Sue? It was all coming back to me. Little Miss Mouse. Yes, but what on earth did she have to do with any of this?

‘What I wanted you to know was that nothing, and I mean nothing, was going on between Sue and I while you and me were together. I know how it must look. Us getting together so soon after you and I split, but honestly I was as surprised as anyone.’

Martin and Sue? A wave of hysteria threatened to overcome me, but I bit it back.

He was surprised? Me too. Just a tad.

I felt as if someone had just winded me with a body blow to the chest. I fiddled with my wine glass, its contents swirling around the bottom.

R-E-J-E-C-T-E-D. A schoolgirl chant whizzed round my head. Rejected, rejected, you’ve just been rejected! That’s what it meant.

‘Sue and I are getting married,’ Martin continued, utterly oblivious to my catatonic state of shock, ‘probably in the spring. I didn’t want you finding out the news from someone else. I thought I owed you that much at least.’

At least. My gaze drifted around the bar at everyone else, all seemingly happy, all soaking up the bonhomie with their friends, partners and families, looking forward to the festive season ahead, no doubt. Did they all feel as though they belonged somewhere and to someone? Was I the only one feeling so desperately alone?

‘Not that we have anything to rush for.’ He laughed, bringing me back to the moment. ‘She’s not pregnant or anything like that, like Lexi, although we’re both keen to start a family as soon as possible. There just didn’t seem to be any reason to wait.’

I had a bad case of déjà vu. Didn’t I have exactly the same conversation with Lexi only a few weeks ago? What was happening in my world? Was there some kind of celestial alignment going on which meant that everyone I knew was falling madly and passionately in love, but in my little piece of sky the planets were having a full-on punch-up, causing me nothing but confusion and heartache? That would be it, obviously.

‘Congratulations,’ I managed to croak.

‘Thanks,’ said Martin, ‘I knew you’d be pleased for me.’

I shrugged. Martin had always thought the best of me; it was another one of his admirable traits. But I think even he may have overestimated the extent of my kind nature this time. We chatted on
—
or rather Martin did, as I’d rather lost the capacity for speech. He told me about Sue, the project they’d been working on together (I’d heard it called a lot of things in my time but that was a new one on me), his new flat, Sue, their holiday plans, their wedding plans. Sue. Uplifting little snippets like that, with me nodding and smiling in all the right places.

‘Do you fancy another drink?’ Martin asked, looking mightily relieved at having offloaded his news. He nodded towards my empty glass.

I shook my head. Quite frankly I needed to get away from the claustrophobic atmosphere of the pub. George Michael crooning away in the background about his broken heart that he’d given away last Christmas wasn’t doing me any favours. Neither was the overwhelming spirit of goodwill coming from all the people around me. If only I had something to celebrate too, I thought with a touch of despair.

‘Would you like me to show you the boat? It’s only five minutes along the towpath. We could have a drink there.’ For some reason, I thought I might feel better there. Millie was up on her feet already.

‘I’d love to. Sue would never forgive me for not having a little nose around. I’m going to have so much to tell her when I get home.’ I smiled, thinking how I’d never seen him quite so animated before.

Already this saintly Sue creature was beginning to get on my nerves, but thinking about it as we wended our way through the throng of people in the bar, I began to smile. Then I laughed. I laughed at the ridiculousness of the whole situation and at my own stupidity. How could I have got it quite so wrong? I giggled and then I giggled some more until I broke into great gulping guffaws of laughter, attracting strange glances from the other customers, as we made our escape from the pub and walked the short distance to the boat. The whole time Martin had been observing me out of the corner of his eye, clearly bemused. His face told me that he obviously considered he’d had a very lucky escape indeed.

Chapter 14

I was still laughing as we climbed on the boat. In the half-light, I fumbled around hoping that I could find some switches for the lights. I mean boats had them, right? I wasn’t entirely sure. For one moment I thought we might have to cadge some candles from the pub, but after some cursing and some helpful suggestions from Martin I found the magic button to push.

‘Ah, that’s better.’ We walked down the steps, bowing our heads to avoid the heavy beam above. ‘What would you like to drink, tea or coffee?’ Considering the piece of bad news I’d just received, I was feeling remarkably upbeat. Relieved, I supposed, thinking about it. Let off the hook. ‘Or maybe a glass of something to celebrate your good news? I think we may have a bottle of champagne here somewhere.’ I opened the fridge, peering inside. ‘I’m sure Rocco wouldn’t mind in the circumstances.’

‘Better not. I’ll need to drive home later. A cup of tea sounds great though.’

I popped the kettle on, found a couple of mugs in the cupboard and placed a teabag in each. I turned on the heating and drew the pretty red and white gingham curtains closed. Millie snuggled up beside the wood stove heater. Already I felt better.

Martin was looking at me, shaking his head, clearly amused.

‘What?’ I asked.

‘You. You seem really happy here. Settled and content. Sort of domesticated. I’d never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.’

I smiled, nodding my head in agreement.

‘I know, it’s weird, but I do feel really relaxed here. But then again, who wouldn’t?’ I held my hands up, taking in the cosy, welcoming atmosphere of the boat.

‘Well, a career-driven city girl who used to get twitchy if she went outside of a five-mile radius from a Starbucks, that’s who. You used to get withdrawal symptoms if you couldn’t hop on a bus or a tube to get into town. Look at you now. You’re so much more relaxed and centred. I can almost imagine you with a pinny tied around your waist, your hands deep in a bowl of cake mix and a couple of Boden-esque kiddies around your ankles.’

What a marvellous thought. Funnily enough my own dreams and aspirations had been venturing off in that very same direction.

‘I know. I’m beginning to wonder if the city life’s for me after all. Who knows, maybe one day, when I meet someone and settle down, we can come and live in the country. I like the idea of that.’ I giggled, thinking how only a little while ago I was contemplating a future with Martin and now, well, now I wasn’t.

I picked up the steaming mugs and took them over to the bench where Martin was sitting.

‘Budge up. You won’t believe this, but when you rang me wanting to see me, I um . . .’ Oh God, could I really confess to Martin the extent of my own stupidity? He raised his eyebrows, expectantly. ‘Well, I thought you were coming down to ask if we could get back together.’ Martin’s wide-eyed, open mouthed expression made me laugh. ‘Maybe even propose to me.’

‘What?’ He spluttered into his tea. ‘Oh God, Beth, whatever gave you that idea?’ He stirred his spoon round in his tea, shaking his head.

‘Thanks a lot! It’s not that mad an idea, is it?’ I looked at him, my eyes wide in indignation. ‘I mean, you did want to marry me at one time.’

‘Yes, but . . .’ Martin put his hand through my hair, ruffling my head fondly, ‘I know now it would never have worked. It took me a while, too long probably, to realise that you didn’t love me. You have to have that above everything else. I know that now.’ I looked at him regretfully.

‘Your instincts were right about us. I always thought I had enough love for the both of us, but I realise now it has to be a two way thing.’

I nodded, feeling relieved that we were finally having this conversation but a little saddened it had taken so long for us to get around to it.

‘But believe me,’ he went on, ‘you’ll meet someone and fall in love. I know you will. And when you do, you’ll just know that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. No doubts, no questions.’ He took hold of my hand that was resting on the table and gently stroked my fingertips. ‘Yes, I felt like that about you when we first met, you know I did, but I think we both came to realise that you would never feel the same way about me. And you can’t change someone’s affections however much you might want to.’

My stomach stirred with sadness for what might have been and for a moment I wished that things could have turned out differently.

‘I know you don’t believe it,’ he went on, ‘but it does happen. That whole falling in love thing. I wasn’t expecting it to happen to me again so quickly, but it did, with Sue. Wham. Just like that, out of the blue.’

I mulled over Martin’s words.
Wham. Just like that, out of the blue.
Thinking about it now, that was how Rocco had made me feel, how he still made me feel every time I was around him. The sight of his strong, lean body and his wild shock of hair, the sound of his warmly caressing voice, the smell of his body; that heady mix of masculinity infused with a sprinkling of olive oil and garlic was enough to send my heart and mind soaring with anticipated pleasure. But that wasn’t love, surely? It was a longing, a desire, really nothing more than lust. How did you know when it was love? Did you receive a message from God?

‘You’ll come to the wedding, won’t you?’ Martin’s question interrupted my daydreaming.

I pulled a face, shuddering.

‘Oh God, do I have to? I’m not really keen on weddings.’

‘Of course. It’s compulsory.’ Martin’s face darkened. ‘Really, Beth, I’m not just saying this, but I do want us to stay friends. We were . . .’ he corrected himself, ‘we are good friends and I wouldn’t want that to change. And you and Sue, the two of you will get on famously. You’ll like her. I know you will.’

I bristled inside. I hated it when people said that because it just brought out the child in me. Made me want to stamp my feet and shout,
‘No, I won’t like her, not if you say I will, I’ll hate her.
’
But Martin was right, we had a great friendship and knowing that Martin would still play a part in my life was something I found immensely reassuring.

‘I’ll have to buy a new frock then, I suppose,’ I said sulkily, dropping my head onto his shoulder.

‘Definitely. New shoes, handbag, jacket, the full works.’ He twirled his fingers through my hair like he’d always done, but for the first time in years I felt truly relaxed and content in his company.

‘In that case,’ I giggled, ‘I’ll have to come.’

We stayed like that curled up together for what seemed like ages, reminiscing, laughing, and listening to the rain that was now plopping onto the roof above. I think I must have been close to nodding off because, when Millie leapt up off the floor, ears pricked, and barked heartily at a movement outside, I jumped out of my skin, pleased to find Martin’s reassuring arm around me.

I glanced up at him as the sound of footsteps reverberated through the deck above, followed by what sounded like someone landing in one of the galvanised steel planters.

There was a thud, followed by an almighty, ‘Shit!’

There was no mistaking that voice or the sight of the looming figure, now standing legs astride in the doorway, his hands seeming to hold aloft the doorframe. His hair, wet from the rain, clung to his cheeks and dripped raindrops down onto his shoulders. His jaw was tight, his eyes thunderous.

‘What the fuck’s going on here?’

‘Rocco!’ I said, easing myself out of Martin’s hold. ‘I wasn’t expecting you back until tomorrow.’

‘That much is obvious. What the hell are you doing?’

I felt the heat rush to my cheeks and the words lodge at the back of my throat as an inexplicable surge of guilt swept over me. Damn this man! What gave him the right to make me feel this way, I had nothing to feel guilty about!

Martin jumped to my rescue. ‘Good to meet you, Rocco,’ he said, standing up, holding open his hand in greeting. ‘I’m Martin, an old friend of Beth’s. She’s told me all about you.’

‘Really.’ Rocco’s eyes swept away the friendly gesture with a look of disdain. ‘Funny,’ he said, his eyes boring into mine, ‘because she never mentioned your name.’

Why was Rocco being so rude? I couldn’t understand it. It was my day off for goodness sake and hadn’t he said I could always use the boat if I needed to get away at all? What exactly was his problem?

Martin smiled benignly. If Rocco’s intention was to rile Martin then I knew he wouldn’t succeed.

‘Well, it was nice meeting you, but really, I ought to make a move.’ Martin rose from his seat; his voice was calm and soothing. He patted my hand before collecting his coat from the chair.

‘Yeah, I’ll come with you,’ I said, glaring at Rocco as he stood, unmoving, intimidating, in the doorway.

He stood back, tight-lipped, letting us pass, his cold eyes unwavering as Millie looked from Rocco to me, unsure of her loyalties.

‘Millie!’ he hissed, as she made a move to follow me. Obediently, her eyes watching me, she sat down at his side.

As Martin and I left to begin our walk home along the towpath, following the beam of my torch in the darkness, I heard the clattering of that steel bucket again as it toppled along the deck, followed by a heartfelt, ‘Fuck it!’

* * *

‘I’m sorry about that. I can only apologise for my boss’s behaviour.’ We were back at the house and Martin had climbed into his car, winding down the window and smiling at me as he turned on the ignition.

‘Oh, don’t worry about it. It didn’t spoil my afternoon. We had a great time, didn’t we? And I’m glad we were able to chat and get a few things sorted.’

‘Me too,’ I said, meaning it. I leant down to kiss him through the window. ‘I’ll expect my invitation soon, then?’

‘Too true. And, Beth, a word of advice. Be gentle on Rocco. He’s obviously got it bad.’

I looked at him, puzzled. Martin laughed, his face gently mocking me.

‘God, Beth, I hate to say this, but sometimes you are so dense! Rocco — he was jealous. Seeing me and you together, he didn’t like it one bit.’ Martin’s shoulders jiggled up and down in laughter. ‘Poor man. He’s fallen for you, Beth, you mark my words.’

I shook my head vehemently, about to protest at such a ridiculous suggestion.

‘And judging by the way you couldn’t stop talking about him, I’m guessing you feel the same way about him too.’

My heart lurched. Martin tooted on his horn, waving jauntily, before driving away down the long drive to the main road. I watched him until his car disappeared out of sight, as an overwhelming cloud of confusion, trepidation and excitement descended over me.