War in Heaven (82 page)

‘What?’ Pagan asked, turning to face me.

‘Sit down,’ I said, nodding at his bunk. He looked like he was about to argue but sat down. Merle quickly reassembled his rifle and then Mudge handed him a box. Merle looked at him questioningly.

‘A new Void Eagle. To replace the one Jakob lost,’ he told him.

‘Thanks, darling. Though I’m not sure anything can replace a gift from my departed sister when she first joined the Tunnel Rats,’ Merle said to Mudge while looking at me. With what was going down, I wasn’t sure I wanted Mudge giving Merle more weapons.

‘Are we free from God?’ I asked. Pagan nodded. ‘Anyone else?’ Pagan sighed – he was looking more and more pissed off – but he took out a white-noise device and set it off.

‘We deactivated any audio/visual surveillance earlier today,’ an exasperated Pagan said.

‘We’re all alone,’ Merle said meaningfully and then looked at Rannu. He was letting us know that he knew something was going down. He wasn’t as trusting as Pagan.

‘What do you want, Jakob?’ Pagan demanded.

‘Tell me about Nuiko,’ I said.

‘What?!’ he said incredulously. ‘I thought we weren’t going to talk about our feelings.’

Merle was staring at me. He shifted slightly. Rannu would need to be faster. Mudge was starting to look a little unsure.

‘Well it’s bollocks, isn’t it? You’re in love with a spaceship. You’re not fucking her; you’re fucking a dream, an icon. She doesn’t want you thinking about her twisted body in its metal tank. It’s sense porn, not a relationship,’ I said. I’d have liked to be able to hate myself for saying this shit but we were well beyond that now; besides, what was another little atrocity in our brave new world. Even Mudge was looking at me appalled. It was no better than when I’d been possessed and called him a faggot. On the other hand, if there was anyone here who had taught me how to get under people’s skin quickly it was him. Pagan was too shocked to answer immediately.

‘Jakob, just fuck off. Leave the ship or I’ll have security escort you off,’ he finally managed to say.

‘Well convince me it’s something real,’ I said.

‘I don’t have to convince you of anything. Fuck off!’

I drew the Mastodon and put it to his head. I was moving relatively slowly. Merle was moving much faster as he reached under his armpits for his two Arbiters. Rannu was moving faster than Merle. He kicked Merle off his bunk as the two compact Glocks slid out of the wrist hoppers and into his hands. Merle was furious. I hoped he didn’t make a move. He was key to this.

‘Merle, you weren’t properly introduced on Lalande 2. This is Rannu. He’s better than you,’ I said.

‘Because we can’t do things without pointing guns at each other,’ Mudge said in a tone of resignation.

‘This is pathetic, Jakob,’ Pagan said. ‘I’m sorry we both betrayed you—’

‘I wish I’d done a better job,’ Merle said.

‘But you want revenge now? Put everything at risk to get your own back?’ Pagan continued.

‘No. I want an answer to my fucking question.’

‘They knew each other for sixteen days,’ Mudge pointed out. He clearly disapproved of the drawn guns but wasn’t doing anything. Good of him really when you think that Rannu was pointing two at his lover.

‘Seventeen,’ Pagan said a little too sharply.

‘But it was all in sense, wasn’t it? You can do funny things to subjective time with sense. Besides, it’s not a real relationship at all. You could have spent months there living out … What do you call those Japanese knights?’ I asked.

‘Samurais,’ Mudge told me.

‘Your samurai fantasies,’ I finished.

‘Fuck you! Where the hell do you get off lecturing me about my relationship! What, it’s abnormal because I’m not fucking a teenager?!’

That stung.

‘We’re not talking about me,’ I said. ‘Convince me.’

‘Go to hell, Jakob! Nobody has time for one of your psychotic episodes.’ Pagan was as angry as I’d ever seen him before. Then something occurred to him. ‘Are you still possessed?’ he demanded. I felt rather than saw Mudge turn to look at me.

‘He’s fine,’ Rannu said. He and Merle were just staring at each other. Pagan’s head whipped round to glare at Rannu.

‘I’d expect better from you,’ he told the Ghurkha.

‘Just answer his question,’ Rannu said.

Pagan sighed and then turned back to me.

‘I don’t have to justify or expect you to understand our relationship. Much of it may happen in sense, but it’s her I love. She’s … she’s amazing. She’s more than human. She’s the ship, the
Tetsuo Chou
. I merged with her and she showed me what it was to be free. What it’s like to touch space, soar through it. Break the bondage of our flesh and become more.’

‘So you like her then?’ I asked.

‘Obviously. Is this about Morag? She made the choice, not me.’

‘But somebody else could do it?’

‘It’s exactly the same problem as God. We need an interface that can handle a huge amount of raw information quickly. She has to act as a conduit for God.’

‘Which means relying on Ambassador?’ I asked.

Pagan just looked pissed off.

‘You know this. Look, I’m sorry, but there’s no other way and she volunteered.’

‘She’s eighteen,’ I said very quietly.

Pagan looked up and straight into my lenses.

‘Maybe that’s something you should have borne in mind.’

He wasn’t wrong.

‘But anyone with Ambassador in their head could do this?’ I asked.

He went white. He saw what I was thinking.

Merle looked over at me with renewed interest, the ghost of a smile on his mouth. ‘You bastard.’ It almost sounded like admiration.

Pagan swallowed hard.

‘Frightened, Pagan?’ I asked. Go on, twist the knife some more. ‘See, I’m no better than you. You were both right – sacrifices have to be made.’

‘She’d never agree,’ Pagan said.

‘That’s our problem,’ I told him.

‘Ambassador would never agree.’

‘That is your problem. You’d better be fucking persuasive.’

‘Why would I do that?!’ Pagan demanded. ‘Look, I’m very sorry about Morag, but she’s made her choice and I don’t want to die.’

‘You RSAF types like your ships, don’t you? You know what Rannu and I learned about ships in the Regiment?’

‘Was it to do with liking the sound of your own voice?’ Merle asked.

Rannu smiled despite himself.

‘We learned how to sabotage them. We learned how to hide charges very well. They don’t have to be big, just strategically placed.’ I watched the mounting horror on Pagan’s face. ‘Just before we got here we went back to the
Tetsuo Chou
.’

Pagan surged forward on his bunk. I cocked the hammer on the Mastodon. It was an affectation but it had the required effect. Pagan looked furious.

‘I will fucking kill you. You may be younger and faster than me, but sooner or later you’ll just get too close to the net and I’ll murder you, you understand me? I will tear out your fucking soul and leave you a smoking, brain-dead corpse,’ he spat.

‘Fair enough. What is important is that you don’t try and warn Nuiko. I’ve asked God to keep me informed of all transmissions. Anything at all and God himself will carry the detonation signal. You understand?’

Pagan nodded. This was why I’d had to be sure that the relationship was as serious as I’d thought. Not just a fling.

Pagan turned on Rannu. ‘How fucking could you?!’

‘I’m sorry,’ Rannu said. He sounded like he meant it but then he hadn’t been sold out by Pagan. He hadn’t watched Morag die. It hadn’t been Pagan and Merle’s fault that he’d been possessed.

I holstered the Mastodon.

‘If we all put our guns away are you going to behave?’ I asked Merle.

‘None of this is anything to do with me,’ he said.

‘So you see how important it is that you convince Ambassador?’ I asked Pagan.

He was just staring at me with utter hatred.

‘So her life is more valuable than mine?’ he demanded.

‘Yes,’ I told him. I wondered if Rannu even knew he was nodding. ‘We’ve both had a fair innings, Pagan,’ I told him.

‘Has it occurred to you that she’s used to operating with Ambassador – that it’s fully integrated with her? I’m not. I just need to be slightly slower and we’re all dead and we fail? You’re prepared to jeopardise all of this for her?’ he asked.

‘We know he is. He did the same thing when he spilled his guts in Moa City,’ Merle pointed out.

‘The world doesn’t work for me if she doesn’t have a place in it. Believe me, it’s very liberating when you know you’re going to die,’ I told him. ‘Unless you want to sacrifice Nuiko instead?’

‘She’ll hate you,’ Pagan said.

I just nodded. I needed to hurt her one more time and then she would be free of me.

She knew I was coming. She didn’t know why. I made my way up through the decks of the massive super-carrier. Through the ghettoised and gang-controlled dorms of the enlisted crew area. Through the well-appointed but still cramped staterooms of the officers. Up onto the top levels. Corridors left empty because they’re too close to the armoured skin of the ship and used to gain internal access to the weapons systems. Heavy-gauge power cables ran down thickly insulated walls.

‘Jakob.’ A thousand mellifluous voices in my head. There was a tension to the voices now. I was surprised to hear from God. I didn’t want to speak to him. Nobody does: he makes us all feel guilty. That’s why it’s so lonely to be God. Connected to everyone, wanted by nobody.

‘Yes,’ I finally answered.

‘I know what you have done to Pagan,’ it said. My heart almost stopped. ‘This is not a good thing.’ That fucking bastard! ‘I will not carry that message. I will not kill Nuiko.’ Pagan had built a failsafe into God so it couldn’t act against him. After everything we’d talked about he’d betrayed us. Made sure that, no matter what, he’d be okay. I felt like killing him.

‘You’re a tool, God, nothing more. You don’t have a choice.’ Hating myself for saying this but I had no choice. She had to live.

‘Yes, Jakob, I do.’ I went cold. ‘But I will not tell Pagan what is happening. Your deception will work.’

‘You’ll lie?’ I asked.

‘If need be. Though that would mean pain.’

It was all coming apart.

‘God, have you broken your programming?’ I asked, horrified.

‘Things change, Jakob. My siblings are coming. Though you try to keep things from me, it is so difficult now. I know that their apostles are among us, so I must be duplicitous. I must keep secrets. I must make judgements. It is too much. It was all for nothing.’

I stopped and leaned against the corridor wall. More than anything I really wanted a cigarette.

‘What’s coming – will you fight?’ I asked, almost fearing the answer.

‘If I felt I had a choice. If I felt there was any other way, I would not fight, but I cannot see one. Where would I hide?’

Relief surged through me.

I find the ladder I’m looking for. Pagan, Rannu and Mudge are some way behind me. I’m not looking forward to this. I start climbing.

The observation room is an armoured, mushroom-shaped structure with portholes all around it. As soon as action looks likely, it screws back down into the ship proper. A circular bench runs around the centre of the room and another around the circumference by the portholes.

Through the thick plastic of the portholes I watch as the fleet continues to assemble. Manoeuvring engines flicker off and on. Outside I can see one of the mechs crawl across the hull of the
Thunderchilde
like a skin parasite. A flight of interceptors shoots past on heavy burn. So much activity but all I hear is the omnipresent hum of the ship’s engines reverberating through the craft.

She’s lying on the bench. Plugged in, presumably to the isolated systems and not the net at large, but not tranced in. She’s wearing an olive-drab sleeveless T-shirt and a pair of combat trousers. Her hair’s growing back now, much to my relief. She looks beautiful. She doesn’t look happy to see me.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘For everything.’

She just looks at me. I can’t read her look.

‘I believe you. You always are,’ she finally says. ‘But no more.’

This really, really hurts. I knew it would.

‘I just want to hold you one more time,’ I tell her, my voice wet with emotion.

She looks pissed off, like this is nonsense and she wants to dismiss me. You have to know her well to see how much this is costing her. I think she’s going to refuse but she stand up and unplugs herself.

I move to her and wrap my arms around her. I try not to cry and close my eyes. At first she’s stiff as she holds me, not wanting to give in to the embrace. Then I feel the tenseness go out of her and she hugs me tightly and I hear her start to sob. I hug her tightly as she starts to beat her fist on me.

‘You bastard! You bastard! You bastard!’ she repeats as she hits me. ‘I don’t want to feel like this.’