Waiting to Believe (39 page)

Up ahead, the lights of Blessed Sacrament welcomed them. Kacey had thought she wasn't ready to leave home, but as they pulled into the convent driveway, she realized she was relieved to be retreating back into her own world again.

64

Kacey's bed, narrow and hard as it was, felt good. She thought of her father, her sisters and brothers. They were all at the farm, cleaning up. Tomorrow they'd make decisions that wouldn't include her: what to do with the leftover food, who would write the thank-you notes, what to do with Rose's clothes. It didn't seem right to leave her mother at the cemetery and not be a part of those after-death realities that consume families and add to their grief.

I should be there, making coffee, making out the to-do list.
She had to wrestle away resentment.

The morning bell came before she was ready, but she stumbled from bed and slipped into her now familiar and comfortable routine.
No, this is good, this is where I should be. This feels like home
. . . She was full of contradictions as she walked to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Kacey was summoned to the office of the mistress of juniors after breakfast. Sister Mary Julian's eyes were filled with kindness as she welcomed Kacey, handing her a cup of tea. “I want to know how you are, Sister Mary Laurence.”

It was a difficult question to answer. “Thank you for asking,” Kacey replied. “I believe I'm doing well.”

“Do I sense some hesitation?”

“Oh, no, Sister. It was important to be there with my family, and I found comfort in the requiem liturgy. I think it's sustaining me.”

“God is our rock, but
tradition
anchors our lives, my dear. You've just experienced that firsthand—yet you seem surprised by it.”

Kacey blushed. “Well, maybe a little.”

“I've always appreciated your honesty.”

They both sipped their tea. “Thank you, Sister Mary Julian. Honesty is important to me. It's my compass.”

“Ah, I think I know that about you. Tell me again what inscription you've chosen for the ring you'll receive at final vows.”

“Live the Truth in Love.” Kacey spoke the words tenderly.

“Yes, yes. I thought that was it. You chose well. And I
know
you'll be able to honor it.”

Kacey smiled but did not speak. “Well,” Mary Julian stood, “you'll be receiving that ring in a few weeks, but there's still much to do before that! I take it you're ready to step back into your life with us.”

“Yes, Sister.”

Mary Julian chuckled. “Good answer!”

“What are the magic words from the legend of Ali Baba? Ten letters.” Sister Mary Bartholomew sat alone in the rec room, a crossword puzzle on the table before her. She looked up at Kacey, who was on her way to join others playing five hundred rummy.

Kacey stopped and sat down opposite her old roommate. “Well, let's see. How about ‘open sesame'?”

Bartholomew counted off the spaces across the puzzle. “You got it! Thanks!”

“No problem. I'm here to help!” Kacey teased.

Her friend pushed the newspaper aside. “How ya doing?”

“Oh, I don't know. I've got a lot going on up here.” She tapped her forehead with her index finger.

“I'm not surprised. Are we ever ready for the death of a parent?”

“I doubt it,” Kacey replied. “It was almost otherworldly being back there. It'd been a long time. So much had changed, and yet so much is the same.”

“Was it good to be with your family?”

Kacey shifted, the game of rummy now forgotten. She picked up a deck of cards from the table and began shuffling them. “Yeah, it was good. But you know, they've grown up without me. I don't think I was ready for it.”

“How about your dad?”

Kacey continued shuffling. “My dad,” she repeated. “I think I saw a side of him I hadn't seen before. A softness, maybe. Maybe
he's
grown up without me, too!”

It was good to talk with Bartholomew, who was still Elaine in Kacey's mind. They had been through a lot together in six years. Kacey smiled. “There's nothing like death to make a person take a hard look at life,” she declared.

“Is that what you're doing,” Bartholomew tapped her own forehead, “up here?”

“I think it is. Still trying to figure it all out.”

“What are you coming up with?”

Kacey shrugged. “Oh, gol, nothing's entirely black or white, I guess. After all this time, I still feel I have a foot in both worlds. That's unsettling for me.”

Bartholomew was puzzled. Her face showed her concern. “Is there anything you
are
sure of?”

Kacey was quiet for a moment. It was a powerful silence. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm finally coming to terms with myself. That I'm on the right track.”

Relief spread across Bartholomew's face. “Oh, thank goodness! For final vows, you mean.”

“I didn't say that,” Kacey said with some irritation. “I just said I'm on the right track, but I'm not sure which track it is. I know it doesn't make sense.”

Someone had turned up the volume on the phonograph, and Kate Smith was belting out “God Bless America” for the third time that evening. It was the Fourth of July, and Kacey was glad to have a break from Lefty Frizzell's “Mom and Dad's Waltz.” She had never particularly liked the song, but after hearing it regularly now for six years, she felt like screaming when Lefty began his whine: “I'd walk for miles, cry or smile, for my mama and my daddy.”

Kacey immediately regretted her response. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap . . .”

Bartholomew looked right at Kacey. “What do you want, Mary Laurence?”

The question startled Kacey in its directness. She was silent for a moment and then, in a rush, blurted out the truth of what she wanted. “I want to hear the Rolling Stones. And the Byrds and the Turtles! I want to be a part of the
world!
I want to walk outside!” There it was again. “That's what I want!” She stopped herself, her eyes filling with tears. “Ya know, I think I just want to talk with someone. I want to talk to Mary Leo. I
need
to talk!”

“Then do it, Mary Laurence. Do it tomorrow. Don't wait!”

“You're back.” Sister Mary Leo smiled at the pale young nun standing before her. Kacey could not speak.

“Come,” Mary Leo said. “Let's go down to the garden, shall we?”

Kacey fell in step with her beloved teacher. They walked in silence down two flights of stairs and then out into the sweet sunshine of the gardens. Surrounded by beauty, the two sat on the glider tucked between a blaze of orange poppies and midnight-blue delphiniums.

Kacey felt surprisingly strong. She began. “I think I've prayed more in the last couple of weeks than I have in my entire life.”

“That's a good sign!” Mary Leo said, almost playfully.

“But it hasn't been the Prayer to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I've pretty much worn that one out. It's just been me, trying to get through to God. Or maybe me wanting God to get through to me.”

Mary Leo looked intently into Kacey's face. There was silence between them. Kacey could feel it, could hear it in her ears. She swallowed deeply. “When I met with Sister Mary Julian earlier, we talked about the inscription I chose for my ring: ‘Live the Truth in Love.' That's what I want for my life. It's become that simple.”

“And?”

“I can't do that here.”

“Oh, my dear.”

“I'm committed to the works of mercy. I want to be a
person
of mercy! I want the world to be a little better because I'm in it . . . But I don't think that will happen if I stay.”

Kacey could not believe the words coming out of her mouth. After all this time, she was finally claiming it.

Mary Leo lowered her head, her distress emanating through her entire being. “Oh, Mary Laurence.”

Kacey was not to be stopped. “I've prayed the prayers, I've tried to do what was asked of me—” She broke for a moment. “But I can't make myself believe what I don't believe.”

“Mary Laurence.” Her teacher's anguish showed on her face.

“It's true, Sister! It's finally become clear to me that I have to leave!”

There. It was said.

The intensity of the conversation had brought both to the edge of their seats, but now they both leaned back, trying to take in the enormity of it.

“But it's more than the beliefs, Sister. It's the community's unrelenting efforts to take away the humanity of each young woman who enters.”

Mary Leo raised an eyebrow but Kacey continued. “The day I made my temporary vows my mother gave me a robe.” Tears now rushed down her cheeks, puddling in the corners of her mouth. “She
made
it for me. Do you have any idea what that meant to me?”

“My dear, my dear.”

“And it was
taken
from me by Mother Mary Bernard!
My
robe! The only gift I ever remember from my mother!”

Mary Leo reached across to Kacey, placing a gentle hand on Kacey's arm.

“I do understand your loss, Mary Laurence, but surely you must understand we were simply trying to create a new life of devotion for you. With no distractions from the outside world so you could—”

But Kacey interrupted, her tears still streaming, her nose running. “You didn't
need
to do that! I came willingly.” She shook her head back and forth. “Now, after all these years, I'm not sure I even really know who I am anymore.” She lifted her eyes and looked directly at Sister Mary Leo. “The community did that to me.” Her shoulders moved in rhythm with her soft sobs. “It was inhumane,” she said in a firm voice.

The morning sun had shifted. They now sat in dancing shadows. Finally, there was a respite. Mary Leo looked at Mary Laurence, her heart breaking at the sight of the distraught young sister. “I'm so sorry for your pain, Mary Laurence . . . So very sorry . . . And for your long struggle.”

Kacey wiped her eyes and looked at her teacher. Mary Leo's eyes reflected her sadness. Her words were gentle as she said, “You're an honorable young woman, Mary Laurence. A woman of great integrity. You'll find your own way,” she paused for a moment, “but it will be our loss.”

Kacey stopped in the kitchen for a cup of coffee as Lisa came storming through, looking for her. Lisa's voice was harsh as she waved a newspaper in front of Kacey. “This'll make your Irish blood boil!”

“Not now, Lisa.” Kacey looked away.

“Yes! Now!” Lisa was not to be denied. “The pope's just issued an encyclical condemning birth control! How out of touch can—”

Kacey interrupted her again with a whisper. “Not now, Lisa.”

Lisa stopped abruptly, seeing Kacey's anguish. “What's wrong?”

“Come with me to the chapel.”

“We can't go into the chapel together! You know that!”