Waiting for Patrick (17 page)

never mind

Well, that didn’t go as planned. Here Elliot was going to broach the subject, even though he didn’t want to, and then Ben just left. Elliot wasn’t sure how he knew, but he could sense that Ben wasn’t in the room anymore. Maybe Elliot should have asked all those questions about the teenagers instead.

He raised his voice and looked toward the ceiling. “I expect you to talk to me about this tonight.”

He didn’t get an answer, so he went about his day, working around the house on a bunch of small projects. Ben didn’t help for the longest time, but then finally, when Elliot dropped a pencil he was using to sketch plans, it floated from the floor back to his hand.

“Thanks, Ben.” Elliot grasped the pencil and glanced over at his laptop. “Are we good again now?” There was no answer, but Elliot felt Ben’s presence. Slowly, Ben started answering direct questions. Elliot tried to tell himself that Ben was just conserving energy, but he could tell that wasn’t it. Ben had been deeply angered, or hurt, and Elliot wasn’t exactly sure how.

Later in the day, he talked to Sheri.

“Come out with me tonight?” she asked over the phone. “Just for dinner?”

Elliot balanced the phone against his shoulder and ear, and continued fixing lunch for himself. “I don’t know, Cher. I’m feeling really exhausted.”

Elliot struggled getting out just the right amount of sliced ham for his sandwich, but he still heard the concern on the other end of the line.

“Are you okay, Ellie?”

“Yeah, I think so. I don’t have chest pains or anything, and I have my nitro in my pocket in case I do. I’m just really tired.”

“Well, take care of yourself. Are you eating?”

Elliot laughed. “Right this minute, actually.” He’d finally gotten the ham on the bread and turned back to the fridge for the mayonnaise. “Fixing myself a sandwich.”

“It doesn’t have loads of bacon on it, does it?” Her voice managed to be snippy and gently teasing at the same time.

“No, Mom.” Elliot sneered at the jar of mayonnaise in lieu of Sheri, since she wasn’t present.

Sheri chuckled. “I’ll leave you to it, then. I have éclair shells coming out of the oven soon anyway. I’ll check back with you later, though.”

Elliot abandoned the effort of trying to hold the jar, scoop out some mayonnaise, and hold the phone to his ear, all at the same time. “Okay, Cher. Have fun filling your éclairs.”

He pressed End and got back to making his sandwich.

ELLIOT SEEMED
to be popular that evening because Daniel called him later.

“Can I come over tonight? Or do you still have a pissed-off poltergeist?”

Elliot had barked out a laugh as he stretched out in his recliner, having given in to the exhaustion he’d felt all day. “No, I think maybe we better lay low for a while. Ben’s really upset for some reason.”

“I still think he has a crush on you.”

Elliot knew Daniel was teasing, but he wasn’t so quick to brush it off. Ben
had
said he liked Elliot. Was that how he meant it? Why else would it hurt Ben to see Elliot with Daniel? He would make it a point to ask Ben about it that night.

“But”—Daniel cut into Elliot’s musings—“you sure you don’t want company at least? We could just watch a movie or something. Nothing to earn the wrath of Beetlejuice.”

Elliot snorted out a startled laugh as it occurred to him that he didn’t really want to talk about Ben like that. He knew Daniel was just trying to lighten the mood, though, and not being any more irreverent of Ben than he was of anyone else. Elliot actually kind of appreciated Daniel treating Ben like everyone else, as far as his sense of humor was concerned.

“No.” Elliot lifted an arm above his head as he used the other to hold the phone to his ear. “I think I’m going to just putter around the house for a little while longer, then go to bed.”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “You’re feeling okay, aren’t you?”

Elliot’s first instinct was to fuss about everyone asking him that, but he reasoned that they did have a valid excuse. The heart disease had gotten this bad before diagnosis because he wasn’t tuning in to the symptoms. “Yeah. Well, as far as the heart is concerned anyway.” Elliot snuggled down into the recliner to find a more comfortable position. “Just tired.”

Daniel’s tone of voice told Elliot he didn’t really buy it. “I could come over and just be there in case you needed help.” A pause, then, “I’d even sleep on the couch if you wanted.”

Elliot shook his head and belatedly realized Daniel couldn’t see it. “No. I don’t think I need a babysitter. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” Elliot thought he heard hurt in Daniel’s voice. “Just be careful, all right?”

“Sure thing.” Elliot tried to turn it into a joke. “You know me. Take care of number one.”

It fell flat, however, as Daniel ignored it. “Yeah, um, call me if you need me, okay?” Daniel said and then hung up.

ELLIOT DIDN’T
get nearly as much more done on the house. He was a little afraid to push himself. He had a couple of episodes where he had trouble getting his breath or his heart felt like it was racing, but they subsided quickly enough, so he put them out of his head for now. He grabbed the laptop to take upstairs. Taking it everywhere with him so that Ben could talk whenever he wanted had become second nature.

As he pulled his weary body up the stairs to the master bedroom, he couldn’t wait to hit the bed.

ELLIOT SITS
up in bed and Ben is there, standing by the window. He’s not on the bed.

So he’s still mad at me
, Elliot thinks. It isn’t unusual for them to end up by the window, but Ben almost always starts out wherever Elliot is. Aloud he says, “I was hoping you’d be here.” Elliot gets right to the point. “You want to tell me what that was all about today?”

“I don’t like him.” Ben whirls around to face Elliot, with his arms across his chest like a petulant child.

“I get that. But why can’t I like him?”

Ben looks shocked and suddenly deflates as he sinks back against the windowsill. “Do you like him?”

“I’m not asking him to pick out china patterns or anything, but he’s fun to be with.” Elliot gets out of bed and joins Ben at the window.

“I’m fun to be with.” Ben’s pouting, and Elliot thinks Daniel might be onto something.

“Ben, you’re a ghost.” Elliot touches Ben’s hand. “I love our nightly meetings, and even talking to you with the laptop, but it’s not like we can truly have a relationship.”

Ben puts his hand over Elliot’s. “Why not?”

Elliot’s mouth falls open as he stares at Ben. “Daniel was right. You’re jealous.” He touches Ben’s cheek with the backs of his fingertips. “Ben, we can’t—” The rest of his words are swallowed as Ben kisses him. It is such a gentle and loving kiss.

“We can have it here.” Ben pulls away long enough to look him in the eye. “Can’t that be enough?”

Elliot runs his hands through Ben’s hair just above his ear. “I know you must be lonely, Ben, but—”

“It’s not only loneliness.”

“What else could it be? You don’t even know me,” Elliot says tenderly, and Ben pushes into his touch.

“I know you.” Ben brushes Elliot’s hair out of his face. “Better than you think.” He leans forward to kiss him again.

Elliot leans into the kiss, and then, when they break apart, he touches his forehead to Ben’s. “I do feel as if I’ve known you my whole life.”

“Then be with me, not Darrell.” Ben talks without moving his forehead.

Elliot chuckles and kisses the tip of Ben’s nose. “You know his name’s not really Darrell, right?”

Ben tries to smile, probably trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I know.”

“Ben.” Elliot becomes serious again and strokes Ben’s cheek. “Can’t I be with you both? Cuddling in dreams really isn’t gonna cut it for me.”

Ben pulls away a little. “We can do more than cuddle.” He cups Elliot’s cheek. “I
want
to do more than cuddle.”

“Even still”—Elliot continues to pet Ben’s face—“anything we do will only be a dream to me.” When Ben bristles and starts to pull away, Elliot hooks a finger under his chin; their gazes meet. “A beautiful dream, Ben. But I need more.”

Ben looks at Elliot a long time, then finally nods dejectedly, like he had given up something monumental. “Okay,” he says, so softly Elliot can barely hear him, but then he looks up through his lashes. “Does it have to be here? I know it’s your house now, but there’s really no way for me not to watch. I’m aware of everything that happens in the house, even if I’m not consciously in that room, but especially anything that happens in the bedroom. Because I died here, I guess. No matter how much I will myself to be elsewhere, I know exactly what goes on here, every second, in intimate detail.” He looks away again.

Elliot moves even closer to Ben and enfolds him into strong arms. “Oh, Ben.” Elliot hugs him as tightly as he can, to let him know Elliot will never let him go. He’s surprised at how strongly he feels that way. He’s never told, or even implied to anyone before, that he would always be there. But he does feel that way with Ben. “I didn’t know that. I wouldn’t have continued if I’d known that, Ben. I swear.” They pull apart a little, just enough to make eye contact again. “I thought you could go somewhere else in the house.” Elliot runs his hands through that gorgeous blond hair again. “I’m not sure when it started feeling so normal to have you around, but I’ve been sort of treating you like any other roommate.”

Elliot leans in to kiss him again. This feels so good, so natural. Somehow Elliot fits with Ben in a way he’s never fit with anyone else. Not even Daniel. He feels equal parts bliss and fear. Elliot doesn’t do relationships. He doesn’t fall in love. But he instinctively knows he could do just that with Ben. He might have already started.

“Ben.” Elliot looks him in the eye and caresses his face, but he’s no longer sure of what he wanted to say. He doesn’t know how to put what he’s feeling into words. So he settles for merely standing there, petting Ben’s face and neck and hair. “Ben.”

ELLIOT TRIED
to keep the morning routine the same, but it felt awkward. He wasn’t even sure last night actually happened. It could have easily been a regular dream. But he couldn’t make himself believe that. He loaded the coffeemaker and stabbed the button, then got a bowl down from the cabinet, grabbed the cereal sitting on the counter, and went to the refrigerator to get the milk.

“Ben?” He couldn’t abide the uncertainty any longer. He wasn’t sure what made him look at the ceiling when he spoke to Ben outside the dreams, but he did, at least until Ben started typing or moving things. “Was last night real?”

The keys moved almost immediately.

Yes

Elliot wasn’t sure what to do with that information, so it didn’t truly advance the conversation or relieve the tension. He poured the cereal into the bowl, added a generous amount of milk, and grabbed a spoon from the drawer. By then the coffee was ready, so he poured a cup and sat down at his usual place at the table. He decided to simply be honest. “I’m not sure what to say this morning… how to act.”

He thought he felt a touch on his hand, then the keys moved.

Just talk

Elliot smiled and shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, not even waiting to swallow before he said, “Okay. I can do that.” Belying his words, he ate in silence for a long while. Even the keys stayed still, but Ben was in the room, and Elliot enjoyed simply having him there, once again relishing that easygoing camaraderie that they’d always shared.

Eventually he found himself talking about the repairs he wanted to make that day. “So, I thought I’d repair the molding in the living room. I’m going to keep it true to the period. I love the detail.” He gulped down the rest of his rapidly cooling coffee.

U always di
flashed up on the screen, but quickly started disappearing. Ben was erasing it.

Then he started over.

U have been keeping the feel of the time period very well

Ben answered laboriously, but he was getting faster on the keyboard all the time.

I like that

Elliot smiled and grabbed his empty cup and the bowl of leftover milk and shuffled to the sink. “I’m glad. I know you said it’s not your house, but I want you to like it.”

:-)

Elliot didn’t see Ben’s response until he got back to the table, and he decided he was quite glad about that. He would have dropped the dishes for sure. “Really? Where did you learn to make that?”

told u I c everything

Elliot continued laughing and liked to believe that Ben was right beside him, laughing with him.

ELLIOT MET
Daniel for lunch two days after that, and the conversation worked its way around to sex, as it usually did with them.

“I think we better get together at your place from now on.” Elliot took a sip of soda.

“I’m up for either place. But why?” Daniel bit off a huge portion of his tuna sandwich.

“Um….” Elliot wasn’t quite sure how to say this. He ran his fingertip absently around the rim of his glass. “Ben sort of… um… watches us when we’re at my house.”

Daniel practically choked on the sandwich but then adopted an expression of victorious glee. “See, I
told
you I could feel him watching.”

“Well, it wasn’t like he meant to,” Elliot defended Ben as he continued caressing the glassware. “He can’t help it.”

“Why can’t he help it?” Daniel stuffed another bite into his mouth.

Since Daniel was almost finished his sandwich, Elliot decided he better actually eat something to catch up. “He sees everything in the house.” Elliot sipped a spoonful of his tomato soup. “Whether he wants to or not.”

Daniel took a drink of his sweet tea. “That would be frustrating.”

Elliot nodded his agreement. “So, I think we better meet at your house for….”

“Sex?” Daniel pronounced in a raised voice, causing some of the other patrons in the diner to turn and look at him. One elderly lady gave them a particularly disgusted glance, but Daniel just smiled sweetly at her, and she hurriedly looked back to her salad.