Waiter Rant (11 page)
Authors: Steve Dublanica
A few years ago a study claimed that if waiters employed certain subtle nonverbal tactics, they could increase their tip percentage. The study suggested drawing a smiley face on the customer’s check, gently touching a patron’s shoulder, or kneeling at the table, ostensibly to be at eye level with the diners.
When I read that study, I dismissed it out of hand. First off, touching the customer and adding saccharine artwork to the check works only if the server is a girl—and a blond, big-titted girl at that. Yes, the Cornell School of Hotel Administration spent good money on a study which proved that blond female
servers with low body fat and large cup sizes made more money than their less-endowed female counterparts or male waiters. Never mind that if a guy draws a smiley face on the check, it’s just plain creepy. And kneeling at the table? That shit might fly at Applebee’s or the Outback but not at a high-end place. Can you imagine a waiter copping a squat next to a table at Gordon Ramsey’s London? Gordon would rip the server’s balls clean off.
The other 30 percent of what determines a waiter’s tip boils down to how customers view themselves as people. If patrons perceive themselves as generous persons, and a waiter nurtures that feeling by treating them like a million bucks, then they will leave a good tip. Some customers like to think they’re in touch with the plight of the workingman. If waiters properly exploit that bourgeoisie guilt, then they’re going to pick up some extra cash. Then you get the customers who are snobs, people for whom owning brand names, wearing the right clothes, drinking rare vintages, and maintaining social standing are all that matter. If waiters project a subtle sense of deferral commingled with a slight hint of obsequiousness, these customers will view them like servants who’ve been in the family for generations and tip accordingly. Ass-kissing maître d’s are especially good at this. The surest way for a server to increase his or her tips is to follow the biggest vein of weakness in a customer’s personality and mine it for all it’s worth.
A good waiter needs to push the right buttons in order to seduce a customer. In order to find those buttons, a server, like any good salesman, has to have a firm grasp of human weakness. Don’t think I’m immune, either. I like to be coddled, flattered, and made to feel like I’m the only person in the room, too. That’s why those lap dancers have so much of my money.
Waiters also have to contend with the dreaded customer who’s never going to leave a good tip. Tight-fisted patrons incapable of generosity, these people are so afraid of losing whatever they have that they are unable to part with the tiniest piece. Giving gifts or money to others is painful, although they seldom have problems
spending money on themselves. Chronically self-centered, they live in a world where they think people exist to serve them for little or no compensation.
Case in point: I once had a man who started choking at one of my tables. He waved off all attempts for assistance, but when he started to turn blue, I stepped in and Heimliched him. (It wouldn’t do to have a customer die in my section.) I applied a few quick abdominal thrusts and the bolus obstructing the man’s airway projectiled out of his mouth and splattered onto the table. Can you guess what kind of tip the man gave me after saving his life? Eight percent! I also found out from the name of the credit card that this guy was a doctor. Next time I let him die.
Customers like these are never going to change. The best way for a waiter to deal with these patrons is to fuck with them so they never darken the doorway of his establishment again. I know what you’re thinking. You think I should have more sympathy for my tip-challenged customers. “Maybe he or she grew up poor and fears growing broke?” That’s bullshit. Working-class people with far less money than their well-heeled counterparts with generosity issues are often the best tippers. I’ve known plenty of wealthy people who started out in life with nothing and are good tippers till this day. Shitty tippers are bad for business, and they’ve got to go. If you think I’m being callous, remember, a restaurant is a business—it’s not your dining room. I’m an independent contactor trying to make a living. If you have a business and you’ve got customers who chronically underpay or have invoices 90 days late, do you want to do business with them in the future if you don’t have to? No? I rest my case.
Since tipping is a social behavior it should come as no surprise that patterns emerge regarding how people tip. I’ve noticed that patrons can be classified into several categories when it comes to tipping. For the sake of convenience, I’ve listed them for your perusal. See if you fit into any of these categories.
The Verbal Tipper
—Heavy on praise but cheap with the cash. I’m surprised they don’t put happy-face stickers on the check. I got enough of those cheap rewards in grammar school. Waiters don’t want hugs. Show us the money.
The Accountant
—Customers who tip on the amount of the check
before
tax. If forced to split a check of $100.01 between two credit cards, one guy will tip $7.50 and the other will tip $7.49. Always asking for duplicate copies of the check and complaining about the prices, these people enjoy a special place in hell. Oh, who am I kidding? These tightwads would ask Charon for a receipt before he ferried them across the river Styx.
The Compensator
—Usually cocaine-snorting, hooker-squiring, wealthy Neanderthal types who heap abuse on the waitstaff. These patrons, almost exclusively men, tip lavishly as a way to apologize for their boorish behavior. Waiters tend to have ambivalent feelings toward these patrons. We love how they pass out the cash but don’t like how they make us feel like whores.
The Flat Tipper
—You could spill hot soup on their baby or treat them like the sultan of Brunei, they’ll always tip you 15 percent.
The Ingratiator
—People (usually rich) afflicted with bourgeoisie guilt who want to demonstrate to themselves and everybody else that they’re “down with the workingman.” They give nice tips, encourage you to call them by their first names, and
sing your praises to the owner. But if you start dating their daughter, they’ll freak the fuck out. Guess who’s coming to dinner?
The Sugar Daddy
—Out-of-shape, wealthy Lotharios who try securing sexual favors from waitresses by giving them embarrassingly large tips. These mono-browed guys, who should be popping Zoloft instead of Viagra, think cash is going to make that hot-bodied twenty-five-year-old overlook their shocking lack of social graces, three ex-wives, personality disorders, and the wily thicket of hair growing out of their ears. Repulsed at the thought of being purchased like cattle, most waitresses can spot these guys coming a mile away. They’ll take these men’s money, of course, but just when the guys start licking their lips in anticipation, the waitresses’ll turn around and tell them they have a boyfriend, are married, are lesbian, are trangendered, or are some combination thereof. Sadly, not all waitresses are immune to this nonsense. We’ve all seen nebbishy-looking rich guys squiring unbelievably hot babes while the much better-looking waiters, doormen, and busboys burn with envy. Money can create an alternate sex appeal. Every server knows at least one waitress who gave it up to a rich guy. Yes, I know I’m being a tad misogynistic, but don’t be outraged. Male waiters are far worse. They’ll screw anything that moves for free.
The Average Joe
