Volpone and Other Plays (69 page)

PUPPET COLE
:
Where is he?

PUPPET LEANDER
:               
Here, Cole. What fairest of fairs Was that fare that thou landedst but now a' Trig Stairs?

COKES
: What was that, fellow? Pray thee tell me; I scarce understand ' em.

LEATHERHEAD
: Leander does ask, sir:
What fairest of fairs Was the fare that he landed but now at Trig Stairs?

140 
PUPPET COLE
:
It is lovely Hero
.

PUPPET LEANDER
:
Nero?

PUPPET COLE
:
No, Hero
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
It is Hero

Of the Bankside, he saith, to tell you truth without erring,
Is come over into Fish Street to eat some fresh herring.
Leander says no more, but as fast as he can,
Gets on all his best clothes, and will after to
the Swan
.

COKES
: Most admirable good, is't not?

LEATHERHEAD
:
Stay, sculler
.

PUPPET COLB
:                           
What say you?

LEATHERHEAD
:                                                 
You must stay for Leander
,

150        
And carry him to the wench
.

PUPPET COLE
:                            
You rogue, I am no pander
.

COKES
: He says he is no pander. 'Tis a fine language; I understand it now.

LEATHERHEAD
:
Are you no pander, Goodman Cole? Here's no man says you are
.

You' ll grow a hot Cole, it seems; pray you stay for your fare
.

PUPPET COLE
:
Will he come away?

LEATHERHEAD
:                                  
What do you say?

PUPPET COLE
:                                                                   
I' d ha' him come away
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
Would you ha' Leander come away? Why pray, sir, stay
.

You are angry, Goodman Cole; I believe the fair maid Came over w' you o' trust. Tell us, sculler, you are paid?

PUPPET COLE
:
Yes, Goodman
Hogrubber
o' Pickt-hatch
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
How, Hogrubber o' Pickt-hatch?

COKES
: Harm watch, harm catch, he says. Very good i' faith; the sculler had like to ha' knocked you, sirrah.

LEATHERHEAD
: Yes, but that his fare called him away.

PUPPET LEANDER
:                  
Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row, row
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
You are knavishly ' oaden, sculler, take heed where you go
.

PUPPET COLE
:
Knave
i'
your face, Goodman Rogue
.

PUPPET LEANDER
:                                                              
Row, row, row, row, row, row
.

COKES
: He said knave i' your face, friend.

LEATHERHEAD
: Aye, sir, I heard him. But there's no talking to

170      these watermen; they will ha' the last word.

COKES
: God's my life! I am not allied to the sculler yet; he shall be Dauphin my boy. But my
fiddle-stick
does fiddle in and out too much; I pray you speak to him on't; tell him, I would have him tarry in my sight more.

LEATHERHEAD
: I pray you be content; you' ll have enough on him, sir.

Now gentles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid,
But that you have heard of a little god of love, called Cupid;
Who out of kindness to Leander, hearing he but saw her
This present day and hour, doth turn himself to a drawer.

180    
And because he would have their first meeting to be merry,
He strikes Hero in love to him with a pint of sherry
.

COKES
: Sack? You said but e' en now it should be sherry.

PUPPET JONAS
:
Why so it is: sherry, sherry, sherry
.

COKES
: Sherry, sherry, sherry. By my troth he makes me merry.

I must have a name for Cupid too. Let me see, thou mightst

190       help me now, an' thou wouldst, Numps,
at a dead lift
, but thou art dreaming o' the stocks still! Do not think on't, I have forgot it. 'Tis but a nine days' wonder, man; let it not trouble thee.

WASP
: I would the stocks were about your neck, sir;
condition
I hung by the heels in them till the wonder were off from you, with all my heart.

COKES
: Well said, resolute Numps. But hark you, friend, where is the friendship, all this while, between my drum, Damon, and my pipe, Pythias?

LEATHERHEAD
: You shall see by and by, sir.

200 
COKES
: You think my
hobby-horse
is forgotten, too. No, I' ll see ' em all enact before I go; I shall not know which to love best, else.

KNOCKEM
: This gallant has interrupting vapours, troublesome vapours, Whit;
puff
with him.

WHIT
: No, I pre dee, Captain, let him alone. He is a child i' faith, la.

LEATHERHEAD
:
Now, gentles, to the friends, who in number are two
,

And lodged in that ale-house in which fair Hero does do:
Damon (for some kindness done him the last week)

210     
Is come fair Hero in Fish Street this morning to seek.
Pythias does śmell the knavery of the meeting,
And now you shall see their true friendly greeting
.

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:
You whoremasterly slave, you
.

COKES
: Whoremasterly slave you? Very friendly and familiar, that!

PUPPET DAMON
:                                        
Whoremaster i' thy face
,

Thou hast lien with her thyself, I' ll prove 't i' this place
.

COKES
: Damon says Pythias has lien with her himself; he' ll prove't in this place.

LEATHERHEAD
:
They are whoremasters both, sir, that's a plain case
.     220

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:
You lie like a rogue
.

LEATHERHEAD
:                                          
Do I lie like a rogue?

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:
A pimp and a
scab
.

LEATHERHEAD
:                                         
A pimp and a scab?

I say between you, you have both but one drab
.

PUPPET DAMON
:
You lie again
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
Do I lie again?

PUPPET DAMON
:
Like a rogue again
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
Like a rogue again?

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:
And you are a pimp again
.

COKES
: And you are a pimp again, he says.

230 
PUPPET DAMON
:
And a scab again
.

COKES
: And a scab again, he says.

LEATHERHEAD
:
And I say again you are both whoremasters again,

And you have both but one drab again
.                   They fight.

PUPPETS DAMON
and
PYTHIAS
:
Dost thou, dost thou, dost thou?

LEATHERHEAD
:
What, both at once?

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:
Down with him, Damon
.

PUPPET DAMON
:
Pink
his guts, Pythias
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
What, so malicious?

Will ye murder me, masters both
, i'
mine own house?

240 
COKES
: Ho! well acted, my drum, well acted, my pipe, well acted still.

WASP
: Well acted, with all my heart.

LEATHERHEAD
:
Hold, hold your hands
.

COKES
: Ay, both your hands, for my sake! for you ha' both done well.

PUPPET DAMON
:
Gramercy, pure Pythias
.

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:
Gramercy, dear Damon
.

COKES
: Gramercy to you both, my pipe and my drum.

PUPPETS DAMON
and
PYTHIAS
:
Come now we' ll together to breakfast to Hero
.

250 
LEATHERHEAD
:
'Tis well, you can now go to breakfast to Hero, You have given me my breakfast, with a
hone and honero
.

COKES
: How is't, friend, ha' they hurt thee?

LEATHERHEAD
:                                                  O no!

Between you and I, sir, we do but make show.
Thus, gentles, you perceive, without any denial,
'Twixt Damon and Pythias here, friendship's true trial.
Though hourly they quarrel thus and roar each with other,
They fight you no more than does brother with brother.
But friendly together, at the next man they meet,
They let fly their anger, as here you might see't
.

260  
COKES
: Well, we have seen't, and thou hast felt it, whatsoever thou sayest. What's next? What's next?

LEATHERHEAD
:
This while young Leander with fair Hero is drinking
,

And Hero grown drunk, to any man's thinking!
Yet was it not three pints of sherry could flaw her,
Till Cupid, distinguished like Jonas the drawer,
From under his apron, where his lechery lurks,
Put love in her sack. Now mark how it works
.

PUPPET HERO
: O
Leander, Leander, my dear, my dear Leander, I' ll forever be thy goose, so thou' lt be my gander
.

270 
COKES
: Excellently well said, fiddle! She' ll ever be his goose, so he' ll be her gander: was't not so?

LEATHERHEAD
: Yes, sir, but mark his answer, now.

PUPPET LEANDER
:
And sweetest of geese, before I go to bed, I' ll swim o' er the Thames, my goose, thee to
tread
.

COKES
: Brave! he will swim o' er the Thames and tread his goose tonight, he says.

LEATHERHEAD
: Ay, peace, sir, they' ll be angry if they hear you eavesdropping, now they are
setting their match
.

PUPPET LEANDER
:
But lest the Thames should be dark, my goose, my dear friend
.

280     
Let thy window be provided of a candle's end
.

PUPPET HERO
:
Fear not, my gander, I protest I should handle

My matters very ill, if I had not a whole candle
.

PUPPET LEANDER
:
Well then, look to 't, and kiss me to boot
.

PUPPET PYTHIAS
Drawer, fill some wine here
.

LEATHERHEAD
:                                                    
How, some wine there?

There's company already, sir, pray forbear!

PUPPET DAMON
:
'Tis Hero
.

LEATHERHEAD
:                        
Yes, but she will not be taken
,

After sack and fresh herring, with your
Dunmow-bacon
.

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:
You lie, it's
westfabian
.

LEATHERHEAD
:                                                       
Westphalian, you should
.     290