Voices of Islam (145 page)

Another right of men that is specified in Islamic jurisprudence is the right to maintain one’s lineage, which means the right of the man to give to his offspring his family name. In Islam, an orphan keeps the original family name of her father and cannot take the name of the family who raises her, even if she would want to. Similarly, a Muslim wife keeps her father’s name, thus preserving her own family lineage. Muslim women normally do not take their husband’s family name. In most Muslim societies, a person’s family name and lineage are important aspects of identity. To lose these is, in a sense, to lose oneself. The right to lineage is also a reason why fornication and adultery are forbidden in Islam. Not only do sexual relations outside of marriage break the bonds of trust between husband and wife, but also sexual relations before marriage, especially on the part of women, carry the danger of producing children who will suffer throughout their lives because they have no established lineage, and hence no clear family identity. In most local cultures of the Muslim world, such children are for all practical purposes unmarriage- able because it is feared that their lack of lineage will somehow ‘‘dilute’’ or morally ‘‘sully’’ the lineages of respectable families.

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Another important right of husbands in Islamic law that may come as a surprise to the reader is the right of a father to have his children breastfed. The Qur’an even specifi the length of time for breastfeeding. A woman who is not able to suckle her own child may hire a wet nurse. Indeed, breast- feeding is considered so important that if a divorce occurs while a woman is breastfeeding a child, the husband must compensate his wife with payment during the breastfeeding period. Children who are breastfed by wet nurses develop very close relationships with them, almost as between biological mother and child. It is believed in Muslim cultures that a child absorbs some of the nature of the person who suckles him. ‘‘The Arabs hold that the breast is one of the channels of heredity and that a suckling drinks qualities into his nature from the nurse who suckles him.’’
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This is why it is forbidden to marry close relatives of the wet nurse (
murdi‘a
) in Islamic law. A man may not marry his ‘‘milk’’ mother, ‘‘milk’’ sister, or ‘‘milk’’ aunt under any circumstances. Similarly, Muslim girls are forbidden from marrying their ‘‘milk’’ brothers.

The schools of law differ as to whether housework is an essential part of a wife’s duties. The requirement of doing household chores and the responsibility of looking after the children have become important causes of marital strife in many parts of the modern Muslim world where women have started to enter the workforce. Most traditional jurists agree that since a woman is responsible for her household, such responsibilities include house- hold chores. However, many hadith accounts relate how the Prophet Muhammad regularly assisted in household work in his own home. The belief that women should be responsible for the endless chores generated by housekeeping is often abused by Muslim husbands who expect the wife to contribute to the family income as well as maintain the house and bring up the children.

Finally, mention must be made of the often disputed Qur’anic passage, ‘‘Men have authority over women in that God has favored some over others and in what they spend of their possessions for them’’ (Qur’an 4:34). Commentators on the Qur’an generally interpret this passage as meaning that men have a certain authority over women in so far as they maintain them eco- nomically. This is a plausible interpretation because of the wording of the pas- sage itself. However, the Prophet’s cousin Ibn ‘Abbas, one of the great early commentators on the Qur’an, felt that the verse also referred to the willing- ness of men to give up some of their marital rights from time to time for the sake of their wives. By acting altruistically or ‘‘expending themselves’’ for their wives, they enjoy a sort of ‘‘precedence’’ as human beings. A similar idea is expressed in the following hadith account: ‘‘If a man’s wife behaves in a dis- agreeable manner but he responds with kindness and patience, God will reward him as much as Job was rewarded for his forbearance.’’
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This tradition and the opinion of Ibn ‘Abbas express the concept of
husn al-‘ishra,
‘‘harmo- nious coexistence’’ or ‘‘mutual companionship,’’ which is both a goal of

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87

Islamic marriage and a right that both husband and wife can expect from each other. In an Islamic marriage, both spouses have a fundamental right to be treated with kindness, respect, and dignity at all times.

MARRIAGE AND MOTHERHOOD

I am God (
Allah
) and I am the Merciful (
al-Rahman
). I created the womb (
rahm
) and I gave it a name derived from My own name. If someone cuts off the womb, I will cut him off, but if someone joins the womb, I will join him to Me.
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This divine tradition (
hadith qudsi
) expresses the sanctity and importance of the womb in Islam as a symbol of femininity and as a reflection of God’s mercy in creation. This concept is also expressed in the first verse of
Surat al-Nisa’
(The Women) of the Qur’an: ‘‘Be mindful of God, by whom you claim rights of one another and be mindful of the wombs’’ (Qur’an 4:1). The connection in the Arabic language between the womb and the concept of mercy is clear in both form and meaning. The Arabic root
rahima,
‘‘to be merciful,’’ produces the noun
rahma,
‘‘mercy,’’ and the divine names,
al-Rahman,
the Merciful, and
al-Rahim,
the Compassionate, which open almost every
Sura
of the Qur’an. The same root produces the word
rahm,
‘‘womb.’’ This powerful linking of terms stresses the sacredness of the womb and provides a strong justification for the respect given to mothers in Islam. The divine attribute of mercy is reflected in the mercy bestowed by a mother on her children from pregnancy through birth, and even after her children are brought into the world. Divine mercy is also reflected in the care that a mother gives to the child that is born from her womb. The essence of motherhood in Islam is mercy, and mercy is the most important of God’s attributes. As the Qur’an affi ‘‘Call on God (
Allah
) or call on the Merciful (
al-Rahman
)’’ (Qur’an 17:1).

For most women, carrying out the duties of motherhood comes easily, as nurturing is in the nature of femininity. The love and care that a mother extends toward her children is a reflection of the loving mercy of God toward all of His creatures. The importance of mercy as a sign of God is confirmed in the following hadith: ‘‘Verily, on the same day that God created the Heavens and the Earth, he created one hundred parts of mercy (
rahma
). Every part of mercy is analogous to the space between the Heavens and the Earth. Out of this mercy He sent one part to the world, and it is from this that a mother shows affection to her child.’’
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The quality of nurturing, so essential in bringing up and educating children, is a natural God-given gift to women. In man, nurturing is also possible, but it is less ‘‘natural’’ and usually has to be acquired. If the reward of compensation to mothers for their self-sacrifice in this world is not always evident, Islam guarantees it in the next world: ‘‘Paradise is at the feet of mothers’’ is a well-known hadith. It has already been mentioned that one of

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the primary responsibilities of men in Islam is to assure that females are protected and honored, precisely because of their role as the bearers and nurturers of new life.

FILIAL LOYALTY AND FAMILY BONDS

Oh humankind! Be mindful of your duty to your Lord Who created you from a single soul; the He created its mate from it and from the twain He spread abroad a multitude of men and women. Be mindful of your duty toward Allah in whom you claim your rights of one another, and toward the wombs. Verily, God has always been a watcher over you.

(Qur’an 4:1)

This verse, the opening of the chapter (
Sura
) of the Qur’an titled ‘‘The Women,’’ reminds us of the responsibilities we have toward the wombs that bore us but also toward those born of the same womb, who are thus our closest kin. ‘‘Womb bonds’’ (
silat al-rahm
) such as these are created by marriage. The above Qur’anic verse reiterates the importance of generosity and loyalty toward those who are closest to us by virtue of kinship. This verse also implies that Eve was the bearer of the first womb: ‘‘And from the twain [Adam and Eve] He spread abroad a multitude of men and women.’’ The marriage of a man and a woman has a great impact on other people, bringing together two sets of fathers and mothers, and then uncles, aunts, and other relatives. As we start moving outward, drawing greater circles of people into the marital bond, the total number may include up to a hundred people. Theoretically, we could continue drawing wider and wider circles of relation- ships, until we included everyone in the world, such that all of us become ‘‘universal brothers and sisters’’ descended from the common womb of
Sayyidatuna Hawa,
‘‘Our Lady Eve’’ in Arabic.
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This may be another reason why the Qur’an extols us not to sever the bonds of the womb.

Not only do we have a responsibility toward our nearest of kin, but we also have a responsibility to honor and sustain what was left behind. We owe gratitude to those who went before us, as we are sustained in their shadow. Marriage thus produces both family ties and filial loyalty. The Prophet Muhammad exemplified this perfectly by maintaining excellent relationships with everyone in his large extended family and circle of companions. Like marriage, the practice of filial loyalty, honoring those who came before us, has been an obligatory part of all the world’s cultures except our modern culture, which prides itself on innovation and departing from the usages of the past. Filial loyalty, by contrast, prepares us for the future by encouraging us to honor the past.

Each traditional culture places a different emphasis on fi al loyalty. The Islamic version of this concept focuses primarily on honoring the mother. For males, filial loyalty means that a father has the right for a child to take

The Spiritual Significance of Marriage in Islam
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his name such that his name is perpetuated through continuing generations. Muslim children take their father’s name but a wife retains her own father’s name, thus honoring her own posterity. In their most extreme forms, rebellion against one’s parents and the ‘‘Generation Gap’’ that have been so typical of our age are rebellions against filial loyalty. As such, if they are not prompted by actual cases of abuse but are simply expressions of disrespect, they constitute a rebellion not only against one’s parents and traditions but also against God.

POLYGYNY AS A POSSIBLE RELATIONSHIP IN MARRIAGE

Some years ago, I was privileged to know and study under a well-known teacher of Qur’anic recitation, Sheikh Abdeslam Derkaoui of Sale´ in Morocco. The Derkaoui family has an honored spiritual lineage in Morocco because they founded a great spiritual brotherhood, the Darqawiyya Sufi order, in the eighteenth century. Sheikh Abdeslam moved from the moun- tains of northern Morocco to the Rabat-Sale´ area to teach the Qur’an in the public school system. Before moving, he had married a woman from his own clan. The couple never had children. When his wife had passed the age of menopause and it was clear that she would not be able to bear any children, the Sheikh took a second wife from his native mountain region. Before marrying his second wife, he obtained his fi wife’s permission. Within several years, at the age of 70, the Sheikh was the proud father of six offspring. The first wife retained a position of honor in the family until her death. The second wife, always in deference to the first, devoted herself to the upbringing of her children. In this way, the Derkaoui lineage, posterity, and traditions were preserved.

Let us now return to Ali, Wafa, and Aziza, the polygynous Egyptian family that we met at the beginning of this chapter. The marriage was successful because each partner in the triangular relationship was willing to sacrifice a lesser good for a greater benefit. Ali married a girl with a disability and vowed to sustain her economically and emotionally for the rest of their lives. Wafa agreed to Aziza’s becoming part of the family, thus sacrifi some of her marital rights in return for the prospect of having children. Aziza sacrificed some of her marital rights by sharing her husband’s attentions with Wafa, who had already been married to Ali for more than 15 years.

The objective of permitting polygyny in Islam is to regulate, albeit strictly, the desires that are natural to many men, with a view to preserving marital relationships within the framework of sacred law. This is in contrast to most Western societies, where sexual freedom has become commonplace and even adultery may be considered ‘‘normal.’’ Islamic rulings seek to limit the irresponsible gratification of desires by sanctifying human sexuality and chan- neling desire to obtain spiritual and social benefits. In criticizing polygyny in

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Islamic society, non-Muslims forget that, according to anthropologists, polygyny has existed in almost every society. The Qur’an clearly allows for polygyny, but it also points out, ‘‘You will not be able to treat all of [your] women equally, even though you may desire to do so’’ (Qur’an 4:129). Many women in the Muslim world are unaware that under most Sunni schools of law, a woman can stipulate monogamy in her marriage contract.

Most Islamic scholars today believe that the permission to practice polyg- yny in early Islam was a response to the needs of the time. During the early period of Islamic history, this ruling was a grace, since it allowed for widows and orphans to be cared for in an environment of constant warfare, which took the lives of many early Muslims and left many widows. Mention should also be made of the polygynous marriages of the Prophet Muhammad. One should not forget, however, that Muhammad’s first wife, Khadija, was his only wife for the entire 24 years of their marriage. Later marriages of the Prophet coincided with the more social phase of his delivering the Islamic revelation. The Prophet’s wives were called ‘‘Mothers of the Believers,’’ and they have been likened to jewels in a crown. They considered themselves blessed and privileged to be members of the Prophet’s household. Despite the inevitable diffi ulties that arose in the Prophet’s household because of human nature, none of his wives ever wanted a divorce. In his Introduction to
Sura
66 (
al-Tahrim
) of the Qur’an, Mohammad M. Pickthall summarizes the Islamic position on polygyny thusly: