Voice of the Heart (113 page)

Suddenly her plans for the coming weeks loomed. She reviewed everything Estelle had told her on the telephone ten days ago. None of them wanted to see her—not Ryan nor Nicky nor Francesca. There was a question mark next to Victor’s name. He was in Mexico at the moment. She understood their reluctance, their reasoning. She had caused them grief and hurt and pain. They did not trust her. But they were wrong. She was different now. She had changed, and so radically she was almost unrecognizable to herself. It’s over a decade, she mused. No, longer than that. It’s at least twelve years since I’ve seen them. She pondered, fixing her thoughts on each one of them, and asked herself how
they
had weathered the years, wondering what life’s hardships had wrought in
them
.

She saw Beau running lightly down the steps from the terrace, watched him striding the length of the lawn, until finally he drew to a standstill in front of her.

‘How’s Scott? Is everything all right?’ she asked him as he sat down opposite her, lifted her hand, kissed her fingertips.

‘Hello, Monkey Face. You look ravishing this morning. And Scott’s in the pink. He sends you his love. I have to
toddle off to Beverly Hills next week. He needs me to sign some papers, discuss a few important business matters at length. Won’t you come along, my darling?’

‘I can’t, Beau.’ She smiled wistfully.

‘Yes, that place always did give you the willies, didn’t it?’

‘Sometimes. But you know very well that’s not the reason I can’t go with you.’

‘Mmm.’ Beau sat back, his eyes grew thoughtful. ‘I wish you wouldn’t insist on going back to New York.’

‘I have to go.’

Beau shook his head. ‘No, you don’t.’ He leaned forward, clasped her hand in his. ‘Even if you only lift the fid of that box of magic the tiniest fraction, something horrid is bound to fly out and hit you in that beautiful kisser of yours, Monkey Face. I can’t imagine why you should want to see those people. If I recall correctly, only Estelle and I have been around in the last ten years. Where were they when you needed them?’

She dropped her eyes, said nothing.

He waited expectantly, and held his breath. The last thing he wanted was for her to leave Ravenswood. She had finally come back, with no pressure on his part, and he hoped that she would stay. Indefinitely.

Finally she answered, ‘They weren’t around because they were furious with me.’

‘So why in God’s name do you want to see them?’ he demanded, looking at her in puzzlement.

Her gaze was level, unflickering. Without hesitation she said, ‘To ask their forgiveness.’

Amazement sprang onto his face. ‘What could
you
have possibly done to
them
?’

‘Oh, it’s a long story. I don’t think I’ll bore you with it on this lovely day.’ She laughed lightly, her sea-blue eyes dancing.

Her laughter, like her appearance, was still girlish and
sweet. And it seemed to Beau, at this particular moment, that she had hardly aged at all. But of course she had. They had celebrated her forty-fourth birthday a few days ago. With resignation, he remarked quietly, ‘You just got here and now you’re running off again. So much for
my
famous persuasive and irresistible charm.’ He chuckled softly. ‘Don’t look so chagrined, Monkey Face. I know you have this compulsion to see your old friends. I understand. Are you still planning to take a plane on Tuesday?’

‘Yes.’

‘And then what, my darling? What will you do after you’ve talked to them?’

‘I don’t know.’ Her brow wrinkled. ‘Maybe I’ll look for an apartment in New York. Now that I’ve put my flat in London up for sale I don’t have a home.’

‘Oh but you do, Katharine!’ Beau exclaimed, seizing on this point. ‘Ravenswood is your home. It has been for the last twenty-two years—you simply didn’t realize it. Go to New York, do what you must, and come back here. To me. Say yes quickly. Don’t think so hard.’

‘Perhaps.’

He pursed his lips, chuckled again. ‘If I thought you’d accept, I’d ask you to marry me. But since you’ve said no twice in the past four years, I’m not so sure I could stand a third rejection.’ He grinned and winked at her. ‘Let me put it this way—I won’t refuse you, should
you
decide to ask
me
to tie the knot.’

‘You’re a brave man, Beau Stanton. What’s that saying? Once bitten, twice shy.’

He made no comment for a moment, and then he asked, ‘Out of curiosity, why have you continued to say no to me?’

‘I wasn’t ready when you asked me. I’m not quite sure I’m ready now. I mean, to handle a one-to-one relationship on an intimate level, as someone’s wife. Those relapses I’ve had, having to go back into the mental home—’

‘Nursing home,’ he corrected.

‘
Mental
home, Beau,’ she countered, and squeezed his hand. ‘I have to face the truth, and so must
you
. I have been an awfully sick woman. Accepting this is part of my cure. But to return to your question, I must be absolutely certain I’m stable and rational, before I make a commitment to you, Beau. Or any other man.’

Leaning across the table, he kissed her cheek. ‘Patience is one of my strong suits, Monkey Face. And I’m awfully proud of you, the strides you’ve made. You’ve come a long way.’

‘Thank you, and I agree. I think I’ve done pretty well, under the circumstances.’

A worrying thought intruded into Beau’s mind and, regarding her closely, he said slowly, in a sombre tone, ‘You’re not going to see Mike Lazarus, are you?’

Katharine straightened up and the light in her eyes faded. ‘I must, if I want to get to Vanessa. And I want that more than I could ever tell you, Beau,’ she said in a grave voice.

‘I know, I know, my darling. But he’ll never let you near the child. He’s as obsessive and possessive about
her
as he was about
you
. He worships her, keeps her by his side night and day. And practically under lock and key.’

Katharine frowned. ‘You’ve never mentioned this before, it doesn’t sound too healthy to me. And how do you know? You’ve not spoken to him for years.’

‘No I haven’t, because of his treatment of you, amongst other things. And there was no point in my telling you. Not when you were ill and living in London. Now that you’re back in the States and intend to stay, I believe you should understand exactly what you’re facing. And how do I know about his attitude towards Vanessa? It’s common knowledge in the industry that he idolizes his daughter.’

‘She’s also my daughter.’

‘He won custody.’

‘Yes… I was furious when he did. However… this past
year I’ve come to accept the facts. I wasn’t capable of looking after myself, never mind a child.’

Beau sighed heavily. ‘He’s an abysmal man, and what he did to you is unforgivable.’ Beau gave her a pointed look. ‘I’ve always felt
that
divorce pushed you over the edge.’

‘Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. I’ve had to confront a lot of truths lately, and I understand Mike’s behaviour now. You see, Beau, I let him down.’

‘You! That’s a load of codswallop, my darling. Why I—’

Katharine reached out, lightly pressed a forefinger on his lips. ‘Listen to me, Beau. I
did
let him down, or perhaps I should say I disappointed him. For years and years before we married he had an image of me in his head. I was the beautiful work of art he could not buy, but which he wanted desperately, longed to add to his collection. To Mike I was priceless, flawless, beautiful, divine. Eventually he married me. Vanessa was born. I started to become—you know, weird. To Mike’s shock and horror his piece of art was not perfect at all. For him it was like finding a fissure in the bronze, a crack in the marble, or a rip in the canvas… whatever. In other words he owned something that was actually
flawed
. Even worse, the piece of art had
always
been flawed, and despite his connoisseur’s eye, he had never spotted it. Because I was not the perfect object he had envisioned me to be, he no longer wanted me. I offended him. Offended his eyes.’

‘The bloody fool! Flaw or no flaw, you were, and are, one of the world’s great beauties. But you
are
a woman, flesh and blood, not marble. And like the rest of us humans, you have your imperfections. He must have been unbalanced to… to punish you the way he did.’ Beau rose, suppressing his sudden anger, an uncommon emotion for him, yet easily induced when he contemplated Mike Lazarus. He walked up and down, his hands pushed into his trouser pockets, his head bent, thinking. He sought a way to persuade her to abandon the idea of tangling with her former second
husband but reluctantly acknowledged he was powerless to do anything. Because of her child.

He stopped, rested his hands on the table, bent towards her. ‘Let me come to New York with you. I’ll feel better if I’m there.’

She shook her head emphatically. ‘No, Beau. I appreciate it, but I have to do this alone.’

‘All right. I suppose there’s no alternative, you’ll have to approach him. But couldn’t you do it on the ’phone, rather than in person?’ he suggested.

‘Perhaps. I’ll certainly try,’ she promised, glancing away. Much as she herself loathed the idea of confronting Mike Lazarus she did not have much option.
My child
, her heart said. I
must see my child
. Turning to Beau, she murmured softly, ‘Vanessa will be eleven this coming June. I haven’t seen her in nine years.’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I know.’ Beau sat down, and added, ‘You’re looking suddenly very pensive. Worrying about Vanessa? About seeing her?’

‘No, not really. I’m very hopeful, in fact. I was thinking of something else… something I’ve been wanting to ask you for years. I never had the nerve until today.’

‘Is it that bad?’ A brow lifted, and an amused smile touched his humorous mouth.

‘No, it’s not. I was afraid of hearing the answer. I’m not any more. I wanted to know what happened to us? Why you pulled away from me after two years of marriage? Why you suggested, be it ever so sweetly and gently, that we divorce?’

‘Because I was an idiot,’ he laughed. Gravity entered his face. ‘No, seriously, I mean it. I should have talked to you, tried to understand you, Katharine, not bowed out. I was cowardly, I believe, on reflection. And I’ve had years to reflect, you know. My ego came between us. You were oddly distant and removed, sexually I mean. I began to think I didn’t have any appeal for you as a man, as a
lover, and probably turned you off. I was fifty-one and going through some sort of male crisis, I think. You were only twenty-two, and the age difference really worried me. I persuaded myself I was too old for you.’

Katharine shook her head, said mildly, ‘You should have helped me, Beau, that’s true. After all, you’d had four wives before me, were much more experienced than I. On the other hand, I can’t blame you… I was frigid, and nervous of sex and intimacy.’ She looked down, twisted her hands together tightly, and then it struck her how greatly she
had
progressed to be able to pronounce these things to him.

Beau lifted her chin, looked into her face, gave her a warm smile. ‘You had such an air of sexuality about you, it never occurred to me you had problems.’ His eyes crinkled at the corners, gleamed wryly. ‘I have a confession. After we called it quits,
I
went into analysis, trying to understand myself and you, and I soon realized your coolness had had nothing to do with me. But by then we were long divorced.’

‘Weren’t we foolish.’

‘Oh yes, indeed.’

‘I’m glad we’ve had this discussion. It’s made me feel better.’ Katharine smiled her incomparable smile. ‘I’ve enjoyed being here with you, Beau. Ravenswood is so restful. It nourishes my spirit. So do you. You’re a wonderful man. I don’t know what I would have done without you through all my troubles. Knowing you were there, so strong and compassionate and caring, gave me courage.’ She leaned her head on one side, and her eyes swept his face, searching. ‘We were happy here once, weren’t we, darling?’

‘So very happy, Monkey Face.’ Beau Stanton wanted to add: And we could be again. But he refrained.

Francesca put down her coffee cup and regarded her husband through startled eyes. She said slowly, ‘It would be awfully difficult for me to cancel the lunch with Nicholas Latimer. It’s
today
, Harry.’

Harrison Avery appeared to be as surprised as she, when he replied, ‘I didn’t suggest you should cancel it, my dear. I simply said I hoped it would not lead to a meeting with Katharine Tempest. I should have thought that you and Nicholas, of all people, would want to steer clear of her. From what you’ve both told me, at different times, I gather she behaved abominably to you and Nicholas.’

‘Well, yes, that’s true of course. But what makes you think either of us would see her?’ A blonde brow rose.

The kind and infinitely wise grey eyes behind the horn-rimmed glasses sharpened slightly. ‘Isn’t Katharine Tempest the reason for this luncheon? Aren’t you going to discuss her impending return?’

‘I’m sure we’ll touch on it—briefly,’ Francesca admitted. ‘And on her too. But she’s really not the reason for the lunch, Harry, although, in a sense, she was the catalyst that brought us together again after almost five years. On the spur of the moment, Nick asked me to meet him, to catch up on our lives, what we’ve been doing, and I accepted. Do you object, darling? I always thought you liked Nicky.’

‘I do, and I don’t object. I’m merely being protective of you, Francesca. I remember how hurt you were in 1968, when we started seeing each other on a more serious basis. I hate to think you’re exposing yourself, that she might hurt you again, darling girl.’

‘Apart from the fact that I am much much wiser, Nicky
and I have a pact. We’re going to support each other in our decision. If either of us begins to weaken in any way, we’re going to ’phone each other instantly.’ She laughed lightly. ‘You know, like Alcoholics Anonymous.’

A trickle of dismay ran through Harrison Avery. Was the Tempest woman so seductive and compelling and persuasive that these two intelligent people needed to
support
each other in order to resist her request? The idea was unacceptable to him, and yet Francesca
had
implied that with her words. He thought of Katharine Tempest’s brother, the Senator, and the dismay intensified. The Ambassador equated Ryan O’Rourke with pain: the pain he had caused Francesca. But as one of the world’s greatest diplomats, Harrison was nothing if not tactful and he resisted the temptation to caution his wife about Senator O’Rourke, her former lover. It would be tasteless, since Francesca was impeccable. Nor did he think she would fall prey to the Senator’s not inconsiderable charms; also, he trusted her absolutely. On the other hand, if she became entangled with Katharine Tempest again she might brush up against the brother, and this possibility appalled the Ambassador. He did not have much time for O’Rourke, whatever some of his Democratic Party cronies thought of the Senator. Nor did he relish his wife mixing with the Hollywood crowd who had been her friends in her younger days. Altogether too racy, particularly these days. You’re worrying over nothing, he rationalized. Francesca is level-headed, sound of judgment, and mature. She will know how to handle…